Remembrance
WARNING: contains spoilers for both Captain America films. Hope you like it.
The icy winds tore at his clothes as he clung desperately to the metal bar, the only thing that was keeping him alive. Frozen mountains surrounded him and snow glistened in every direction. His muscles screamed in protest when he refused to let go and give in.
"Bucky!" Steve shouted, the fear written all over his face. "Grab my hand!" Bucky stretched out one hand desperately trying to grasp Steve's reaching hand. Bucky knew he wouldn't make it, he couldn't reach Steve. And before he knew it the bar he was holding onto shuddered and ripped free.
"NO!" Steve screamed.
Bucky still reached towards Bucky even as he fell. He saw Steve's horrified and pain filled expression as the wind rippled through his clothes.
The train grew distant and the wind screamed in his ears.
Bucky's eyes flew open and he began gasping for the oxygen his lungs longed for.
Bucky quickly sat up on his bed and put his head between his knees. Gradually he calmed. He relaxed his tensed muscles which seemed to ache from the memory. Memory...Bucky ran a hand across his sweaty brow. A memory. It had been a month since the helicarrier and...Steve, ever since that day Bucky had been having nightmares, flashes of another life.
"Till the end of the line" Bucky squeezed his eyes shut trying to block the voice out. It didn't work. It never worked. He didn't know who he was anymore. He was often referred to as the winter soldier but the man...Steve had called him Bucky. The name felt right.
When daylight began trickling through the window Bucky was still slumped on his bed. Reluctantly he slowly straightened and stretched the stiff muscles. He swung his legs off the bed and pushed himself up into a standing position and made his way to the bathroom across from his bedroom, he closed the door behind him and looked into the mirror. His long unkempt hair and scruffy beard, the face of the winter soldier not that of Bucky Barnes.
He eyed the razor and the electric hair clippers in consideration. He started on his beard first, he didn't stop until his face was smooth, no trace of his previous beard could be seen. Still hesitant Bucky reached out a hand to the electric hair clippers and took them in his flesh hand. He stared at it, then plugged it in and it began buzzing and vibrating. Bucky looked at the vibrating device in his hand, his expression hardened in determination. Taking in a deep breath, Bucky adjusted the length of the hair it would cut. He took another breath and pulled the clippers through his hair again and again and strangely with every clump that hit the ground Bucky felt his heart lighten.
It took him a good half hour and when he was finished he looked into the mirror and sharply breathed in. He remembered looking like this once...a long time ago. Bucky couldn't help but smile. After taking one more look he climbed into the shower.
Bucky observed.
He was hidden from sight and he was watching Steve take his morning run with Sam. Bucky felt pain when he caught sight of the unhappiness on his friend's face. For the last month Steve had been searching for him...relentlessly, never giving up. As Bucky watched he reluctantly remembered the helicarrier, when he had nearly killed Steve...his best friend. Or more like brother. Bucky felt tears fill his eyes when he remembered shooting Steve and punching him, and then watching him fall. Bucky's heart ached when he remembered what Steve had said "I'm with ya till the end of the line".
Bucky ran his flesh hand through his hair and sighed, he took one last longing look towards his friend and then left.
Bucky stirred restlessly in his sleep.
"I thought you were dead" Steve said whilst holding his weight.
Bucky looked up at his friend "I thought you were shorter".
The images swirled and the surroundings changed.
Bucky backed away from Steve "don't do anything stupid till I get back" he turned and started walking away. However he stopped short when Steve's voice drifted over to him"how can I? You're taking all the stupid with you."
"You're a punk" Bucky told him, however he walked back to Steve and pulled him into a tight hug.
"Jerk" Steve said fondly "be careful"
Bucky awoke and drew in a shuddering breath, unshed tears blurred his vision and he grimaced at the heavy pain in his heart.
He had been remembering more and more with every passing day.
He cleared his throat and blinked the tears away. He stayed lying in bed gazing at the ceiling for the remainder of the night. Bucky watched in subdued silence as the rays of golden light flickered through the window. Bucky closed his eyes and recalled the memories he had remembered. How Steve and himself had been best friends from a young age and how Steve was often sick and in need of protecting. Bucky felt a smile tug at his lips as he thought back to when Steve had been much shorter and skinnier and how he was always getting beat up.
"I had him on the ropes..." the words echoed through Bucky's head and he smiled fondly when he recalled that those were the words Steve would always utter after Bucky had beaten up the person picking on his friend.
Still...Bucky knew he still had a lot more to remember, a lot of the war was a blank and there were still a lot of spaces in his childhood. Suddenly, before he realized it, Bucky was being pulled into a memory. The hazy picture gradually became clear.
Steve was standing in front of him.
Bucky was saying "we can put the couch cushion on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash" Bucky had a slight hint of humour in his eyes as he said this. Seeing Steve look for the key Bucky moved and kicked a brick aside to retrieve the key and dropped it into Steve's hand. "Come on" Bucky tried to persuade Steve.
Steve replied with a sad expression "thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own".
Bucky looked at Steve intently and said "the thing is. You don't have to" Bucky clasped Steve's shoulder with his right hand "I'm with ya till the end of the line, pal".
The picture fades and Bucky opened his eyes and breathed in and grinned. So that's when he had told Steve that.
Bucky exited his apartment soon after he realized he was in desperate need of some more food. Currently he was down to milk and bread...not something Bucky considered a feast. Bucky didn't leave his apartment that much, sure he did in the mornings occasionally to see how Steve was getting along, to see whether or not he was staying healthy. However there were times when Bucky made himself go outside, if only to help adjust to his...change in situation. Whenever Bucky left his apartment he always made sure his left arm was always hidden from view, perhaps under a hoody or a jacket. He always wore gloves too. Bucky didn't particularly want to think of what he'd do when the weather got warmer.
The only problem with leaving his apartment was that he didn't live that far from Steve and there was always the chance that he'd run into the punk when he was out. He had to stay aware.
To try and avoid too much attention Bucky had dressed in blue jeans, a dark grey t-shirt and a brown leather jacket and donned some sunglasses. It would fool most.
Currently Bucky walked through the streets and approached the store he used most. It was big and had most of what Bucky could ever need.
He brought enough food to last him a while but not too much that he wouldn't be able to get back to his apartment.
He nodded politely to the man who scanned his food through, and he shoved his left hand into his jeans pocket feeling irrationally self concious.
Once he'd gotten the food Bucky quickly made his way back to his apartment. He didn't see Steve.
Bucky, as usual, didn't do a whole lot that day. He tried several times to remember something new but was repeatedly met with a sharp headache. For some reason the memories came flowing back when he fell alseep with no resulting headaches.
So when Bucky eventually gave up on memory gathering he sat at the desk in his room and opened the notebook he had bought shortly after the events of the helicarrier. Bucky was treating the little black book as a diary of sorts. It was often used to record his memories.
So for over an hour Bucky scribbled furiously.
Night soon fell.
Bucky fell asleep.
"Bucky calm down" dream Steve said weakly.
Bucky cleared his expression "I'm calm" though he really wasn't. Steve was lying in bed with blankets piled on his small form, his face was ashen and a thin layer of sweat covered his body.
Steve was ill.
Bucky sat next to him in a small creaking chair and he gently reached out and took a small hand in his larger one.
Steve let out a weak laugh "no you're not" and before Bucky could think of a reply Steve spoke again "I'll be fine, I always am."
"Just get better punk" Bucky said.
The memory shifted and Bucky found himself in a makeshift bed on hard ground. He'd just had a nightmare of the first experiments Hydra had used him for. Dream Bucky tiredly rubbed a hand over his eyes. Through the dark he could make out the shapes of his team-mates.
"Bucky?" Bucky started slightly but quickly relaxed when he recognised Steve's voice.
Briefly Bucky considered faking sleep but quickly decided against it.
"Yeah?" he whispered back.
"Are you ok?" Steve questioned, the worry in his voice was ill concealed.
"No" Bucky admitted voice breaking slightly, tears prickled his eyes.
Without another word Steve sat up and crawled into Bucky's makeshift bed. Just like when they were kids. Steve stayed awake talking to Bucky, he did this until Bucky fell asleep.
Bucky's eyes snapped open. He looked over the memories he had acquired through the night and he felt a small smile flicker on his lips.
Bucky missed Steve. He had for some time. He was also struggling with the memories of the winter soldier and Bucky shuddered just at the thought of those memories. So it really hadn't surprised Bucky when he found his feet carrying him in the direction of Steve's apartment.
He climbed the stairs and stopped outside one of the doors. Bucky stared at it for a moment before lifting his flesh fist and knocking on the door.
Bucky heard footsteps approach the door.
The door opened.
It was Steve. And as Bucky watched, Steve's expression morphed into one of stunned shock and then to one of bright eyes delight.
"Bucky" Steve breathed.
Bucky felt the grin appear on his mouth "you miss me punk?"
Steve's own smile widened into a grin "of course I did you jerk!"
Bucky stepped forward and pulled his best friend into a tight hug and Bucky buried his face into Steve's shoulder when he felt Steve's replying bear hug.