A Poem about the Ugliness of People

By Stupid Kitten

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the clothes on my back.

(This wasn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings.)

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Once upon a time,

There was a land called Middle Earth;

It was bigger than Lichenstein,

But smaller than (my math teacher (fatso)) Mr. Burke.



There was a race called men,

Who were stupid and ugly,

They raised big fat hens,

And were not altogether snuggly.



One man was a king,

Gondor was his land;

Aragorn couldn't sing,

And he needed to wash his hands.



His beard needed a shaving,

His hair had never been washed;

But his kingdom needed saving,

So all his hygiene was lost.



Boromir was another,

Quite loud and bold;

He must have had a fat mother

(Or so I've been told.)



He desired the Ring of power,

And died in an hour;

Can you imagine that?

And, yes, he was fat.



Another race were hobbits,

Although I think they should be called slobbits;

They have nasty large seats,

And nasty hairy feet.



Frodo bore the Ring to Mount Doom

(After going into labor)

Now he is in his room,

Fattening up on mushrooms.



He looked sort of like a girl

(I kind of wanted to hurl)

His eyes were quite freaky,

His uncle's joints are creaky.



Sam, the loyal companion,

Helped Frodo through a canyon;

But Sam was fat and couldn't fit,

And cried, "Oh shit!"



Merry was quite dumb,

And looked like a bum:

On who lives in a slum.

Now go fetch me some gum!



Pippin tried to be funny,

But to no avail.

His antics were quite crummy;

All his plans failed.



Both looked awful

(Which isn't really lawful)

Maybe they'll go to the pen:

I'll have some peace then.



Gandalf was a wizard,

And creepier than a lizard;

He somewhat resembled a gizzard,

And led the group into a blizzard.



He had a long beard,

And it looked real weird;

He fell into a hole and died,

Later we learn he lied.



Saruman was his pal,

That didn't last for long;

He beat Gandalf up,

And sang an ugly song.



He had long fingernails,

His hair was finely combed.

The tower was rather domed,

He gets not a lot of e-mails.



Short and stout were the dwarves,

They liked to play with stones,

They tried to avoid wharves,

They chilled them to the bones.



Gimli liked to have braids in his hair,

It gave his appearance an ugly flair,

Yet, I don't care,

I despise him all the same.



And last there were the elves,

Who only cared about themselves;

They pretended to know a lot,

And they smoked crack, not pot.



Legolas had blond hair,

His looks gave me a scare;

Isn't he supposed to be a guy?

That's not what meets the eye.



He never got dirty,

Or cruddy or nasty,

He wasn't real purty

(I almost expected him to curtsey!)



Arwen had fish lips,

And really wide hips,

Aragorn got married to her;

Both's I.Q.s dipped.



Galadriel went crazy,

I guess her brain got kind of hazy;

Her voice was really messed up,

So don't say, "Wassup?"



Her hair was stringy,

Ugly and greasy,

Her land is really sleazy,

So can we leave, pleasey?



Someone needs a facelift,

And Elrond is his name;

His name is quite lame,

Too much glue he sniffed.



That dude is freakin' ancient,

And has lots of wrinkles,

Now just be patient,

He must coat his food with pink sprinkles.



Now I have finished,

My tale is told.

I'll stop rhyming;

It's getting kind of old.



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So, did you like? I'm sorry if some of the stuff had nothing to do with the characters; I needed words to rhyme.

Please review!

- Stupid Kitten

P.S. Thank you to those who reviewed chapter one of my story: Have a Marshmallowy Night!