Saved At Any Cost

by Ilaria

This is a "what if" story: what would have happened if Proximo sold Maximus to a mysterious person after the "Battle Of Carthage"? And this person took him away from Rome? Would Maximus have been able to get his revenge?

Saved At Any Cost

By Ilaria

NOTE: The story switches back and forth between points of view. 

Prologue

Amor. Odium.

Love. Hatred.

They probably are the strongest feelings a man can experience. And I have experienced both: a love so deep that I was actually one with my beloved, two bodies but only one soul, and a hate so strong that drowned my heart in a black pool of blinding fury and desire of revenge.

Some people say love and hate are sides of the same coin, and that you can come to hate the person you first loved and vice-versa, but I have never truly believed it. However I must attest I now love a person I believed I hated with all my being, even if she never hated me.

I am speaking of my wife, the woman who saved my life, not only in the most material way - taking me away from the danger to be killed every day - but most important, rescuing my soul from the deep abyss it has fallen into because of my hate for Commodus.

*

I think everyone knows by now about my story: the general who became a slave, the slave who became a gladiator, the gladiator who killed an emperor and became Rome's master.

Everyone knows about what Commodus did to my family, and I won't write about it in these memories. Even if it happened many years ago and even if I found happiness again, it is impossible for me to put in words what I felt when I discovered Selene's and Marcus' broken bodies, because it is indescribable. Only someone who had my same experience can understand my emotions and, frankly, I hope no one among the persons reading these pages will ever suffer such a terrible tragedy.

So I will start this little writing from the moment I met the woman I thought I hated with all my being and who I now love more than my life itself.

I

It was the second night after the 'Battle of Carthage' and my appearance in front of Commodus.

It was a quiet night, with a pale moon, the silence broken only by the occasional words exchanged by the men guarding the Ludus Magnus.

I was sleeping in my cell but still I was vigilant. The many years spent on the Danube frontier or in some other forsaken place had me able to jump awake to the slightest noise. It is a habit I still have, even now, after years of peace and quiet, when the only attack I might suffer is from one of my children wanting to start me awake by tickling me.

It was not so that night in Rome. Then I feared the hooded arrival of an assassin, sent by Commodus to finish what the Praetorians had not be able to do in Germania. I was still in a phase of mourning when I did not mind to die, if that enabled me to join my family in the Elysian Fields, so my fear was not connected with me being killed  - after all, as Marcus Aurelius once said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back" - but to the fact I would not be able to have my revenge, leaving Lucilla and her son prey of her brother's cruel hands.

Having said this, it was not surprising I awoke at once when a strong commotion entered the cell from the courtyard. I quickly sat up on my straw-filled bed and squinted my eyes in the dark, trying to understand what was going on outside. From the noises I was able to recognize, it seemed as a cart had arrived and stopped in the indoor yard of the Ludus Magnus: I could hear the pawing and the snorting of the horses and the creaking of the wheels.

My ears still concentrated on the sounds coming from outside, I turned to look in Juba's direction. My Numidian cell mate and friend was almost invisible in the room, his black skin having the same color of the darkness enveloping us.

"What is happening?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied, a thousand of possibilities dancing in my mind, none of them pleasurable.

Suddenly the door was open and Proximo, my lanista, come inside the room and said, "Dress up, General, we must leave this place soon."

I was stunned. "What's going on?" I enquired but the gray haired and bearded man did not answer.

"Be quick and silent." Two guards took his place as Proximo left the cell and I could not do anything but obey. My heart was full of worry as once again my thoughts returned to Selene, to my son, to Marcus Aurelius' dream and to his daughter and to what would happen if I was killed then. As I dressed I felt Juba's eyes on me, silently asking what he had to do but I had no answer to give to him.

Few minutes later Proximo returned inside and threw on my shoulders a dark robe with a hood. Then he said aloud to the guards, "We are ready; take the Spaniard to the wagon."

With a final glance to my Numidian friend, a glance which wanted to express all the words I had no time to say, I was led outside by the guards, but to my surprise I was not pushed to the wagon but near a darkened corner of the building, where Proximo was staying, he too dressed with black clothes. From that position I saw another gladiator getting up the wagon and, as the iron door was locked behind him, a man loudly said, "The Spaniard is on board."

To that Proximo clearly replied, "Good; take him to Tibur, I will follow shortly."

"Yes, master."

As that exchange continued I shifted my gaze from Proximo to the cart. It seemed evident the lanista wanted to create a diversion for the Praetorian Guards who were probably surveying the Ludus Magnus, but of course I did not know WHY he was doing so.

We stayed silent, pressed against the wall for a long time, watching the cart depart and waiting till the gladiator school was once again quiet. Then Proximo spoke softly, "Come with me."

"Where are we going?"

"It is not the moment to ask questions, General. Just let me say nothing is going to happen to you. And now be silent and follow me."

I pursed my lips and I began to walk behind him, the two guards always at my sides. We crossed the compound, always careful to stay near the walls, till we reached a stair. Proximo grabbed a torch, lit it, and lightened the way for us. The stair led to an underground tunnel  with a stone pavement and bricks walls.

I don't know for how much time we walked inside it but finally we met another stair which led us back to the surface.

Outside the landscape had changed. There were no buildings in sight, but only a clearing with bushes and a solitary oak in its center. And near the tree I saw two human figures standing near several horses. One was smaller than the other, but their long cloaks made impossible to discern some other detail.

Proximo approached them and said, "He is here."

"Good," replied a male voice. "Have him mount a horse, we must leave for Ostia at once."

Ostia? My heart began to beat wildly when I thought about the city. Even if I had never been in there I knew it hosted a military camp and my mind began to wonder if it would have been possible for me to reach the castrum and learn where my men, my legion, were. The guards seemed to read my mind because they suddenly put chains to my wrists. Then they helped me to mount one of the horses and we were off on the road.

*

The travel to Ostia was very fast, because we stopped midway to change the horses and before the sun began to rise we reached the great harbor, the smell of the sea and the cold air sharpening my senses. I was weary and tense. During the ride, Proximo had been totally silent I had no clues to what was happening. I have always hated to be left without information because it leaves me powerless to evaluate the situation I am on. I felt like a lamb led to the slaughterhouse, Proximo's earlier words forgotten.

When we finally arrived to the port, one of the figures we had met outside Rome pointed to one of the ships whose shapes were clearly visible in the pale light and said, "That's the one. It is only waiting us for depart."

"Good." said Proximo.

I was terribly confused. Things were moving too fast for me and my brain was barely able to register what was happening around me. It seemed clear we were going to board that ship but for what end? Were we going to return in Africa?

The horses stopped and the guards dragged me not too gently down the saddle. My instinct finally rebelled and I began to resist to them. I was tired to be treated like a sack of flour and I had no intention to board that ship till I knew where they were taking me.

Proximo walked near me and said, "Now, General, don't be stubborn. I told you nothing bad is going to happen to you."

"Where are we going?" I hissed glaring at him but he simply motioned the guards to drag me away. One of our 'guides' joined the two men. With the three of them pulling at my chains and pushing my back it was impossible to me to resist for long. And so, even if I fought along every inch of the way, I finally found myself on the ship and closed in a small cabin, my chains fixed to a ring in the wall. I pulled at them, trying their strength, and in the end I sat down the bed which was the room only furniture along with a basin, trying to understand my situation. From the noises coming from outside it looked like the ship was preparing to leave the dock.

Suddenly the door opened. I sprung on my feet as I recognized Proximo.

"What is happening?" I asked for what seemed to be the tenth time.

"This is a farewell, General. Our paths are going to follow different roads."

"What?"

"I am no longer your master....You have been sold, Maximus."

I was shocked, my mind trying to gasp what he had just told to me. "S-sold?"

"Yes. To someone who does not want to have you ever again put a foot in an arena....You are going to have a very good life from now on."

"Why? Why are you doing this to me?" I asked, cold fury having replaced my surprise.

"Doing this to you? Aside the fact I am your owner and I can do everything I wish with you, I am not sending you to the salt mines of Carthage. I am sending you in a place where you will be safe."

"I don't want to be safe!" I roared furious, stepping forward till the chains stopped me. "You know what I want!"

"Yes, I know what you want. You want to stay in front of Commodus and kill him, to avenge your family and Marcus Aurelius but, unfortunately, you won't be able to do so, because someone has bought you just to avoid seeing you killed." He was beginning to lose his patience but I could not care less.... "Proximo.."

"I am sorry, General, but I am an entertainer. And an old one too. The money I was given for you will allow me to live in comfort for the rest of my life and it was an offer I could not refuse. And maybe you will feel better if I tell you all of your fellow gladiators are now freedmen...I no longer need them and they had earned their freedom."

I stayed silent, glaring at my former owner. There was nothing more to say. Everything had been already decided. I was acutely aware I was powerless, totally at the mercy of the gods and other people. Also, inside myself, something was breaking.

Betrayal.

Once more I had been betrayed by someone I considered a friend.

"I had been a fool to trust you," I darkly said.

Proximo stayed silent for a long while, biting his lip as if refraining to say something, and then whispered, "Goodbye, General. May you have a long life."

I did not reply but turned my back to him in the most offensive gesture I could make as a slave. Few second later I heard the door open and then close.

*

Time passed.

I was aware the ship had left Ostia and it was now in open sea, I could feel it by the gentle rolling of the vessel. From the light entering a small window in the higher portion of the wall I knew it was now full morning and even if I had not sleep all night I was not able to settle down on the bed.

I kept on pacing back and forth like a caged lion, too upset and angry to even contemplate rest.

The door opened again to admit two men who looked like guards. One of them was tall and slim, the other  shorter and sturdier and was lame to his right leg. They were both armed and one of them, the taller one, turned a spear in my direction, pressing its point against my chest.

"Be still and stretch out your arms," said the other man, a familiar Spanish accent in his voice.

Powerless to do anything else but obey to his command, I watched with some surprise as the man freed my right wrist by the chains, leaving me tied to the wall only by my left arm. The change gave me more freedom and made me very perplexed. After that the guard exited the cabin leaving me under the control of his colleague with the spear but he returned soon carrying a wooden tray full of food.

"This is you breakfast," said the man, "Eat it, we will be back to retrieve the tray in a hour."

I did not even glance at it. "I am not hungry. I want to see the person who bought me." I asked.

"Your new owner is busy now."

"Tell him I want to see him!" I shouted. I was so furious that I forgot my situation was that of a chained slave.

The stocky man smiled, "Calm down, General. There will be enough time to meet your new master. Now eat and rest....the journey will be long."

Speaking thus they both backed to the door and left, leaving me once more alone and without answers.

I walked to the bed and inspected the food on the tray: there was honey-dipped bread, cheese, fruits and milk. It was a very abundant breakfast and that, added to the reduction of the bindings, seemed to confirm Proximo's words I was going to be treated well. But that did not assuage my rage, nor my anxiety. I was so agitated I could not eat. I needed to know who my new owner - oh how strange those words sounded in my mind! I needed to look in the face the man who had deprived me of the only chance I had to be so close to Commodus, to avenge my family and carry on my emperor's last command. After having been so close to reach my goal, I could not bear to be taken away. I wanted to watch the person who had done it and show him all the hate and the contempt I was feeling in my heart.

II

It is time for me to enter this story; Maximus insists my point of view be included along with his.

He also wants me to keep some mystery in my writing and not to reveal my identity at once....as if the people reading these pages don't already know who I am! But I will do as he asks, beginning my tale from the third day of our sea journey.

I remember I was in my cabin reading some of the letters written to me by my late father. They were practically all I had of him because my half-brother had adamantly refused to give me the statues and the jewels tata had left to me in his will.

I was sitting at a small desk, the rolling on the ship making the flames of my table lamp dance in front of me, when I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in," I said, and Titus stepped inside. He was a ex-soldier, a centurion from Terraconensis that after twenty five years of service in the legions had been chosen by my father to be the chief of my guards. He was stocky and muscular like a mastiff, and loyal to the death to me. His wife and daughter had died of the plague and since then he had sort of adopted me.

Titus stooped in front of my chair, assuming that at-attention position which never failed to bring a smile on my lips and began to speak, "My Lady, I am sorry for bothering you, but you told me you wanted to be informed at once if the General still refused to eat." His voice sounded like he was making a report to a superior officer.

I nodded, "Thank you, Titus. So he is still being stubborn?"

"Yes, domina. He refuses to eat and wash and keeps on demanding to meet you. We have tried to convince him in many ways but it has been useless."

"You did not beat him, did you?" I asked worried.

"No, domina, we did not touch the General. However, if I am allowed to speak, we will need to force him to consume food because he cannot go on much longer without eating."

I pursed my lips, knowing he was right. I already knew Maximus was a stubborn man but I did not predict he would be so against me. At that time I was a bit naive in many things, but that sea travel and the events which followed it made me grow up very quickly. I stood up and said, "You are right, Titus, it is time for me to visit him. Let's go."

And speaking thus I led the way till the cabin adjoining mine.

*****

 I did not bother to rise from my couch when I heard the door open, fully expecting to see the two guards coming to retrieve the untouched tray full of food they had left a hour before. I was used to this routine and so I only opened one eye to check what they were doing, ready to return to my nap. However this time there were three persons in the room. And one of them was a woman. She was very young, around her late teens, tall and with a shapely figure. Her air was dark blond-light chestnut and her eyes were blue. She was beautiful by any standard but I was not in the mood to appreciate it. I slowly rose to a sitting position and belligerently stared at her. I knew I should have stood up and bowed to her but I was too angry and resentful to be polite and respectful.

We stared at each other for a long time and then she broke the silence, "I have been told you refuse to eat and that you wanted to meet me." she said with a quiet voice.

I quirked an eyebrow, "You lady? I want to speak with my new owner, your father or your husband, I presume."

"My father is dead and I am not married," she said matter of factly, "I am your new owner."

"What?" I stammered. I was so stunned. "Why did you buy me?"

"I have my reasons, nothing which concerns you, General." She replied.

The cold, almost unfeeling tone of her answer made my temper snap. That woman had taken away any chance I might had have to obtain my revenge and she had the audacity to refuse me to say why. I felt my anger escalate to dangerous levels. I stood up quickly, staggering a little because I was weak for the lack of food, and moved against her, until the chain stopped me.

"Tell me why!!!" I shouted to her and the guards reacted by pushing their spears against my chest. I did not care, my eyes burning in the woman's.

She stepped back and after few seconds she said, "You are such a beautiful man....It would be a useless waste to have you killed in the arena. Especially since I have other plans for you. Much more pleasurable plans, I might add."

She was looking at me with a calculating look I did not like a bit and I felt a shiver run along my spine at her words. I knew women seemed to be morbidly fascinated by the gladiators....Lucilla too has used that excuse to see me in the Colosseum.

"What do you mean?" I asked, my voice very low.

She stared boldly to my body, as if she was evaluating a horse she wanted to buy, and said, "I own a....breeding facility in Melita (Malta) and I need a good stallion for it. And I think you are perfect for the job. I am sure you will father many strong and beautiful babies." She smirked at me and then fell silent, all the while watching at me with a look of....expectation? The guards seemed to think I was going to react badly because they grabbed they spears more tightly, as if fearing an attack.

But I did not react in that way. The anger that I had felt till that moment had disappeared, replaced only by calm and deadly determination. The future that woman was planning for me might have sounded like paradise for some men but not for me. It was such a debasing, contemptible and humiliating prospect that I could not even consider it. Till that moment, even if I had lost my freedom and everything which mattered to me, I had retained my dignity, my self esteem and my honor. But what that woman wanted to do to me, to transform in a stallion was the last straw on a weary back, the final indignity for me, for my wife's memory and for my ancestors. I felt nauseous.  'What we do in life echoes in eternity' and I did not want to be branded as a chattel. I wanted to be able to meet ancestors in Elysium keeping my head high.

My gaze hardened as I decided there was only a thing remained to be done. I had to die. And I wanted a Roman's death. Feeling calmer I have been in months, I slowly turned my back to the guards and the woman and collected my strength. Then, quick as a lighting , I spun on my heels and threw myself against the spear still pointed against my chest. I closed my eyes as I felt the blade enter my flesh. I sank to my knees....The last thing I remember before I succumbed to the horrible pain was the bout of satisfaction I felt when I heard the woman scream at the loss of her prized stud.

*****

Many years have passed since that afternoon but even now that scene sometimes reappears to haunt me in my dreams. And I see it again: Maximus throwing himself against the spear, the iron point at the height of his heart. I see myself understand at the last possible instant what he was going to do and react by pushing Titus's arm just before Maximus' body hit the weapon. And I hear my terrified scream when I saw him collapse on his knees and then crumble to the floor, a horrible red stain rapidly enlarging on his chest...

That afternoon I realized how much damage lies can do even if they are said for a good reason.

For many terrible moments I believed Maximus to be dead, and all because of me. I panicked but Titus' cold head saved the day... and saved the man my father had loved so much that I had sacrificed practically everything to take away from Commodus' paws.

It was Titus who was the one to give Maximus the first medical attentions... It was he who called the family doctor who traveled with us. It was he who took me away as the physician fought to save the General's life, and pressed my head against his chest while I cried.

Titus... the best friend I ever had.

III

I watched in silence as the doctor, Antonius, removed the bandages from Maximus' wounded shoulder, sniffed them and nodded with approval.

"There is no longer any sign of infection." he commented and I sighed with the relief. However my happiness was short lived. "If he is improving, why he is not waking up?" I asked frowning. It was the fourth day after Maximus had tried to kill himself and he had yet to open his eyes.

"Well, my Lady, his body is very weak for the blood loss and for the lack of food... and also, if I can speak freely, I don't think he wants to live. After all he tried to commit a suicide, so he is not willing to fight for his life."

I nodded darkly, knowing that it was only my fault if the General was now lying unconscious on the bed.

Antonius finished putting away his tools and then left the room, promising me to return later in the afternoon.

As soon as I was alone, I took Maximus' hand between mine and I began to talk to him, hoping my words might reach him...

*****

The first sensations I became aware of when I returned to consciousness were the painful throbbing of my left shoulder, the loose grip of a hand around mine, and the coolness of gentle fingers smoothing the beard on my cheeks or my hair.

Then I heard a voice speak near to me.

HER voice.

"Please General, don't die," she was saying, "What I told to you was a lie, I have no intention to transform you in a stud...Please believe me.. please..."

I stayed silent and motionless, keeping my eyes closed as my tired mind tried to absorb what I had just heard. The woman had lied...I was not going to be forced to mate...but could I believe her? Weariness enveloped me again and I fell asleep before I could answer to my own question.

*

The next time I woke up I was once more received by the woman's soft voice. I took me some moments to realize she was reading something aloud... a philosophical treaty. I stayed with my eyes closed for a long time, listening to her and ascertaining my conditions. My shoulder did not hurt anymore, but it was a poor consolation: I was still alive, still bound to become a stallion...still...That line of thought was interrupted when I remembered what I heard the woman say the first time I woke up. She had said she had lied to me..

I frowned and, with a determined effort, opened my eyes, deciding it was time to get some answers.

*****

I saw the movement of his head in the corner of my eye and I immediately dropped my scroll, turning all of my attention to him.

"General, you are awake!" I told him with delight. It was not the smartest thing to say, but I was too overwhelmed with relief to think straight.

Maximus grunted in acknowledgement of my words and I read on his handsome face he was now wondering if my happiness was merely due to the fact I had not lost my prized property. Our eyes locked and I felt my smile disappear as I saw the anger burning in his blue-green eyes which were staring at me accusingly.

"General," I began, bending my head, "I am so sorry for this. I did not predict you would react so badly. Otherwise, I would not even told you about the breeding facility." His eyes kept on boring in mine and I went on, admitting with shame, "It was only a lie."

"Why?" his voice was scratchy with disuse.

"I believed the idea of being considered a stud would have aroused your anger, propelling you to start to eat again, so you would be able to fight me. But I obviously miscalculated your reaction..."

I saw Maximus' eyebrows climb on his forehead, as his curiosity grew. "What do you want to do with me?" His tone was still angry and impolite, but I did not care. He had the right to feel so.

I collected my ideas before answering to him, finally decide it was time to tell him the truth, "I just want to keep you safe and away from Commodus' hatred. I cannot bear the thought of seeing you killed."

"Why?" he asked again, my reply having only increased his curiosity.

"Because my father would want me to do so. Were he still alive, his heart would break at the thought of you being a slave and a gladiator at Commodus' mercy."

"Your father?"

"Yes," I sighed deeply and went on, "My name is Aureliana Flavia Caspia; I am Marcus Aurelius' illegitimate daughter."

*****

I was stunned by her declaration. Marcus Aurelius' daughter! I tried to sit up and was able to do it with her help, resting with my back against the headboard of the bed, idly noting I was no longer chained. Still speechless at her revelation, I stared at her young face with awe. Now that I really looked at her I noticed her hair was of the same shade as Lucilla's and her cheekbones were as fine as her father's.

"You are little Pseca?" I asked in wonder.

Her face widened in an excited smile, "You know about me?"

I nodded. "Your father spoke a lot of you...." I lost myself in memories: cold nights in Germania...the wolves howling between the trees...the wind blowing the narrow paths in the castrum....a warm tent...the flames dancing on Marcus Aurelius' face as the old man told me about his youngest daughter whom he loved so much he affectionately called 'My Pseca', My Little Breadcrumb.

Aureliana smiled and replied, "He spoke a lot of you too. He loved you like a son and I know many things about you...You are like a best friend for me, even if I never met you before, and I cannot allow Commodus to kill you, not when I have the means to save you."

Her words brought me back to the present. "My lady, Aureliana," I began with concern, "what you did is very dangerous. Commodus wants me dead, he will search for me. You put your life in great jeopardy."

"First of all, General, my life was in danger since the moment my half-brother became Caesar. Commodus hates me, he never forgave his father for having taken a lover after his wife died. He was morbidly attached to his mother...and resented the fact I and my father were so close. It was only a matter of time before he ordered me killed or exiled. So I removed myself before he could do it. The night of our escape several ships I inherited from my mother's family left Ostia directed to different harbors scattered along the empire, so it will be difficult to track down the right one. We are going to reach Melita and then move in an estate belonging to my mother. Nobody except my father and another man I trust with all my being ever knew about it. We will be safe there." Aureliana stopped talking and looked at me, her clear eyes betraying her search for my approval. She was a clever woman, but inside her still lived the child she had been till a short time before. I suspected the sudden death of her father and Commodus' rise to the power had her grow up very quickly.

"But what about Rome, my Lady?" I asked her softly.

"Rome?" she frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"You told me you and your father were very close, so you must surely know that for him nothing was more important than Rome and the well being of its inhabitants. He died for it....How can we leave Commodus on the throne, free to destroy everything Marcus Aurelius did?" I spoke with sincerity and seriousness, trying to appeal to the more responsible part of her being.

Aureliana turned her head away, avoiding my gaze.

"Let me return, Aureliana," I coaxed her gently but at the same time urgently, squeezing her wrist with my right hand, "I am the only one able to stop him."

"No." Her eyes returned to lock with mine, full of stubbornness. "No, I won't let you sacrifice yourself. You will come with me in Melita and stay there while Commodus lives. Then you will be free to go away."

"Aureliana...." I tried again to reason with her, but she stood up, freeing her arm from my grip.

"That's all, General," she said with a tone that reminded me so much of the one used by her father while issuing orders when he made his mind about something, "there is nothing more to be discussed. Now rest, you need to recover before we reach the island because my estate is in the mountains and difficult to reach."

And speaking thus, she whirled on her heels and walked away, leaving me alone and desolate.

*****

Looking back to that conversation, I now see someone might think I acted like a spoiled, irresponsible, child, thinking only about myself and not of Rome. Maybe it is true. But I did it only guided by the love for my father, and ardently believing that was what he would have wanted me to do.

He really loved Maximus like his son and I was sure he would have not sacrificed his life for Rome.

Yes, I know what people might think, now that all the truth is known to everyone: Marcus Aurelius had asked Maximus in Germania to become the Protector of Rome, even knowing it was not what his general wanted and so many might be led to think he was ready to sacrifice his happiness for the good of Rome. Perhaps it was true, but I still believe my father would not want to sacrifice Maximus' life. If everything would have gone like he had planned, Maximus would have returned to his farm after his duty as Protector, ready to spend the rest of his life as he liked best. But my father was wrong: Commodus did not accept his decision and he, Maximus and his family paid the price of that mistake.

I was informed of my father's death by Lucilla. She and I had always been very close, considering the circumstances of my birth. She also told me General Maximus had been executed for treason, and I mourned the loss of a man I never met but I knew very well. The man - I may now confess - that my father once said would have been a wonderful husband for me, had not he been already married and totally in love with his wife. I think you can grant me it was more than enough to arouse my greatest curiosity about Maximus! And I think it can help to understand why, having discovered he was still alive, a gladiator fighting in the Colosseum, I used all the resources I had at my disposal to buy him and take him in a safe place. I knew about his desire of revenge, I too attended the games - courtesy of my half-brother - the day he declared them in front of fifty thousand Romans, but obtaining revenge did not seem so important to me at that time. Call me naive, if you want. Politics too were not so very important. Call me irresponsible, if you wish. But love and affection were. So I acted. I paid a small treasure to Proximo to buy Maximus and I took him away.

And I never regretted my decision, even in those dark months when he hated me with all his being.

IV

Well, I don't think now I really hated Aureliana back in that period I spent in Melita, but I certainly resented her and what she had done. I think it was natural. I intellectually know - as I knew then - that my chances to kill Commodus in the arena, after my first attempt had been aborted because of young Lucius' presence, were more than scarce because, of course, he would have taken all the precautions, but still I was furious I had been dragged away from what I believed was my final mission. I was still in a phase of deep mourning, blind to everything but revenge and pain. I now realize my singlemindedness was more of an obsession, and I am deeply grateful for the time I was forced to spend on the island because, slowly but surely, I emerged from the black abyss where I had fallen and I began to see the light again.

But it was not easy and, as I said, it took months.

Since the moment I first arrived in Melita and for a long time, my mood shifted from depression, to dark resentment to rage, with Aureliana and Titus as my primary targets. They were smart enough to leave me alone, letting me brood all the day, while keeping an eye on me, as if afraid I might try again to kill myself. There was no need, I was too angry to want to die. In the first days after my arrival, I had tried to speak with Titus, a former legionary, asking him to let me go, for the good of Rome, but he had been clear: he was totally loyal to his mistress, no help would arrive from him. And so I could do nothing else than toil all the day under the unmerciful sun, tiring myself enough to fall into exhausted sleep every night.

*

One afternoon, while I was sweeping the hay away with a pitchfork, my lips set in a hard line which underscored my determination not to succumb to tiredness or heat and to finish the job I had begun, I heard soft steps approaching me from behind. Even before she spoke I knew it was Aureliana, and I forced myself to continue to work as if she was not even there.

"What are you doing, General?" she began.

As usual her voice made my temper flare but I checked my reactions, "I think, lady, that you can see it by yourself what I am doing." My voice was very cold, not at all encouraging a conversation.

She stayed silent for a while then added, "I know what are you doing, but my question was another.... Why are you doing that? There are slaves to do the job."

"I am a slave, lady, I case you have forgotten it." I said and then went on with my work, pointedly ignoring her.

"You are a guest here."

"A guest?" I almost spat out, finally stopping to work to glare at her, "A guest who cannot leave? Who is locked in his room at night? I think you have a strange idea of hospitality."

Aureliana pursed her lips, "You are locked at night for your own safety, but you are not a prisoner here. There are many things you can do here: you can ride, you can swim in the lake, you can exercise in the gymnasium or read in the library..." her tone was gentle and kind and it made me even more furious.

"But I cannot do what I really want!!" I shouted to her, letting the pitchfork fell to the ground.

*****

I remember so vividly Maximus' face.... how he looked that day, his fine tunic all dirty, his skin damp with sweat, his burning eyes locked with mine, handsome like an enraged Mars. I could feel the barely contained anger boiling under his bronzed skin and I found it dangerous and exciting. My father had told me Maximus was a generally gentle man but, as it often happen in such men, his rage could be terrible. But I did not feel afraid, I felt daring and bold, and I committed the most silly action of my life: I provoked him, perhaps wanting to punish him because he stubbornly refused to accept the gift I had given to him or perhaps because I enjoyed playing with fire. "What do you want?" I asked.

"As if you don't know..." he replied with sarcasm.

"Ah...I understand," I said with a knowing tone, "you want some bed sport..." Even now I could not still credit myself for having said that to him... But I did, and I had no time to react before he was on me, his strong hands bruising my upper arms as he growled, "You must stop to taunt me!" And speaking thus, he dragged me against his muscular chest and kissed me, claiming my lips brutally, his tongue invading my mouth. The attack lasted only few moments and then Maximus pulled away. "If you cannot give me what I want at least leave me alone!!!" he shouted, walking away from me with furious strides.

I watched him go, my heart beating wildly, my mind dazzled by what had just happened. I had never been kissed before and the sensations aroused by Maximus were powerful and confusing: stupor, pleasure, fear...desire. And rage, but not against him, against myself. I was ashamed for having taunted him so vulgarly. I shook my head to clear my ideas. Why did I keep on behaving in such a way? I still believed my beloved father would have wanted me to keep Maximus safe, but that did not give me the right to torment him because he was not happy about the situation. I considered myself a woman but I had just behaved like a spoiled child.

But my body's reaction to Maximus' kiss was not that of a child, it was that of a woman, a woman desperate to experience it again, a woman who might have been tempted to tease the General again, hoping he would respond in the same way..

*****

Thinking back, I believe that attack, that kiss, represents the lowest point I touched during all of my ordeal, because it made me think I was behaving like an animal. As I walked away from Aureliana I berated myself for what I had done. I always liked women and I had always respected them. In the Spanish countryside where I grew up, women had a great importance in the families and my father brought me up with the example of his respect and love for my mother. I was ashamed of myself. I, who had always been gentle and considerate even with the lowest of the slave-whores the empire put at the soldiers' disposal, had been brutal and violent with an innocent young woman whose only fault was to have wanted to save my life! I cringed inside, wondering what Selene was thinking of me in Elysium. She, whose opinion I valued more than anybody else's, would surely be shocked by my actions.

But despite my self-deprecation, I did not ask forgiveness to Aureliana till much time later, when something happened to bring us together, as if all the hostility I had harbored for her had never existed. But when that event happened, I had already began to change, I had already begun to re-emerge from my gorge of anger, I had already begun to look at Aureliana with different eyes, seeing what remarkable young woman she was. And all because that brutal, punishing kiss, because having touched the bottom I could only start to climb up again.

V

About a month after that episode, I was walking in the garden directed to my room. It was late afternoon and I was tired but satisfied, having spent the day helping the field workers to pick the oranges from the trees, longing only for a bath, a meal and my bed. I was not happy -- that feeling was such a distant memory I barely remembered what did it mean -- but at least I was not feeling totally miserable as I have been till not much more time before. When I realized that, I stopped a moment in the garden, savoring the new sensation and the peaceful atmosphere of the place. I looked to the central fountain with its pool full of little fishes, the splash of the water like a beautiful music in my ears. I looked past the well trimmed fences to the mountains and slowly descending sun, almost surprised I still --or perhaps, again -- had the sensibility to admire such spectacle. The view brought me memories of other evenings spent watching the sunset with my arms wrapped around Selene and my nose buried in her hair. But this time the memory did not raise the heart-breaking pain of the past, but a sweet sense of nostalgia. And I realized I was beginning to heal. I no longer wanted to die to be with my wife and son, because I knew they would always be with me in my heart, but still I was feeling bad because I was not able to keep faith to my promise to avenge them. I also knew I would not be totally over my past while Commodus was alive. As long as he lived I would not able to forget I had failed my Caesar's last command nor that I failed to protect my family. While he lived I won't be really free to begin a new life.

Thinking about the tyrant made me look to the villa, to the first floor terrace overlooking the garden where Aureliana spent much of her time.

She was there, but she was not reading, writing or sewing as she usually did in that time of the day. She was crying instead, her small form shaken by sobs, as her arms hugged her own chest.

In spite of myself I was moved by the desperate picture she displayed... She looked so lost and fragile and I felt the overwhelming need to go to her and enquire about what happened to her.

I practically ran up the marble stairs, slowing down as I stepped in the terrace. Aureliana heard me and raised her head, stiffening when she saw who it was and hastily brushing away her tears. I felt a pang in my heart at her reaction and at the timorous look I saw in her eyes, and once again berated myself for my shameful conduct in her regards. That brutal kiss had destroyed the trust she had in me and since that fateful day she had avoided being alone in my presence. Even now I could see her scan the terrace, looking for one of her maids or one of the guards.

"Don't be afraid, my lady," I said stopping few yards away from her. "I won't come closer."

She nodded but didn't speak, but her expressive blue eyes seemed to ask, "Why are you here?"

"I saw you are distraught, my lady, and I wanted to know if I can help you in same way."

Aureliana nodded again and I saw her eyes fill once more with tears that soon began to run along her fine cheekbones.

"What happened?" I urgently asked, overwhelmed by her pain, a nagging feeling of foreboding gripping my guts. "Tell me, please, I might be able to help you."

*****

The sincerity in his eyes and in his voice made my resolve crumble. I desperately needed someone to whom I could confide my pain, someone I could trust... Yes, because I never stopped trusting Maximus, even after the kiss. He told you I was afraid of him after that episode, but it is not exactly true. I was afraid, yes, but of myself. I didn't want to stay near him because I was afraid I might try to provoke him again in the attempt to get the same reaction from him. I already knew by then that I was in love with him, with a man who probably hated me. I think it is not surprising I tried to stay away from him to avoid increasing his hostility in my regards...

But that day I needed him too badly and he looked so concerned! And thus I told him everything.

"A...letter is just arrived from Rome..." I began.

"Yes?"

"It has been sent to me by a friend. It says Commodus has been victim of a murder attempt. It.. it failed but my half-brother reacted very badly...Many senators had been killed or exiled...and.. and.." my voice broke before I could refer the most horrible part of the letter.

Maximus approached me and dropped on his knees in front of my chair, "Aureliana, please, go on." he asked.

Even in my misery I noticed it was the first time he had called me by my name since our conversation back on the ship. "Commodus thinks Lucilla was part of the plot...He has her practically a prisoner in the Palace... and he is not allowing her to see Lucius. My friend is afraid Caesar might use the boy to force his...desires...on his sister." I had always known Commodus harbored morbid feeling for Lucilla and from the look on Maximus' face I understood he too was aware of it.

He stayed silent for several seconds and then looking deeply in my eyes he said, "Aureliana, we must do something to help them." I started to shake my head in negative but he went on, his voice soft but determined. "Lucius is only a child, an innocent child; we cannot allow Commodus to harm him or to corrupt his soul. And Lucilla... Marcus Aurelius told me she likes you, that you spent much time together. Don't you think he would want us to help them?" My resolution was beginning to crumble and Maximus saw it. He took my hands in his larger ones and added, "Please, let me return... If not for Rome, at least for your father.."

"I...don't want you to die." I said, "I don't want Commodus to kill you as he did with father."

"Who told you so?" he seemed surprised.

"It was just a supposition...I..I knew my father did not want Commodus to succeed him and the fact that instead he did made me suspicious. I am right, am I?"

"Yes, you are. Marcus Aurelius was strangled. And this is another reason we cannot leave Commodus on the throne."

*****

Aureliana stayed silent for a long time, clearly lost in thought as she pondered my words.

"How do you propose to eliminate him?"

I shook my head, "I don't really know." I sighed in frustration, then added, "You said you have a friend in Rome...the one who sent you the letter..." She nodded. "Could he be able to help me to discover where my army is?"

"Your army? You would be ready to march on Rome?" she was not shocked, merely awed.

"If it should be necessary, yes, I would do it."

"Well, my friend is a senator, I am sure he will be able to locate your men."

"Good." I smiled briefly and fell silent, as I watched Aureliana struggle with her feelings. It was clear she wanted to help her half-sister and nephew, but she still wanted to keep us safe in Melita. Finally she sighed and say, "All right, General, you win. We will return in Rome and do everything to save Lucilla and Lucius."

"Thank you, my Lady," I said squeezing her hand with relief, "But it would be better for you to stay safe  here...I just need a letter of recommendation for you friend the senator and.." she stopped me by freeing one of her hands from my grip and raising it in an imperious gesture so much alike Marcus Aurelius'.

"I will come with you and nothing will make me change idea. Also I have another condition for let you go..."

"Oh?"

"You will swear now, on the thing you value most, that you will take every possible precaution to don't be killed."

"What?" I was stunned by her request.

"Yes, I want you to swear you will do everything you can to survive. I know it might sound childish, but my father said you are a man of your word, General, and that you always keep your promises."

I looked at her face, noticing one more the strange and fascinating blend she was... The scared child was still present in the woman and now needed my promise to assuage her fear. Slowly I nodded and solemnly said, "All right Aureliana. I swear on my wife's and son's memory that I will do everything I can to stay alive."

"Good," she said and suddenly the child disappeared leaving room only to the woman, "Sit with me, General, I need your help to organize our journey."

Impressed by her determined tone, I stood up and settled in the chair in front of her, my mind already planning my next 'campaign'.

VI

The journey back to Rome was completely different from the previous trip to Melita.

First of all, I was no longer a slave locked in a cabin but a freedman able to walk everywhere on the ship. Then I was no longer full of rage and resentment against the world in general and Aureliana in particular but I was feeling again purposeful and concentrate, my desire of revenge bridled by political necessities and calculations, by the need to save Lucilla and Lucius and to keep Aureliana safe. I was no more a gladiator, I was again a general, ready to serve Rome as I have always done, even if  I no longer wore its uniform.

I spent much of my time with Aureliana and Titus, revising our plans. The basic idea was to contact Aureliana's friend, a senator called Gracchus, and ask for his help to locate my army. I harbored the hope my men could be in Italy because it was where they had been originally scheduled to go after the end of the German war. The idea to march on Rome with my legion and to face the Praetorians did not scare me, my only worries were for the civilian populace which might be caught up in the fighting. That was the reason I hoped Senator Gracchus - who Aureliana assured me was a very good politician, really concerned about the well-being of the people - might had some other idea. Titus too was the same opinion. I liked him, he had surely been a competent centurion, with a practical and cold head, and I respected his inputs because he knew Rome and Italy better than me. We became good friends during that travel, and we still are.

By common agreement we decided not to go to Ostia, but to dock in Neapolis, where the harbor was less controlled, and then proceed by land, pretending to be merchants.

But not all the time was spent plotting: Aureliana and I engaged each other in long conversations or in dice games, making long days of inactivity seem shorter. During our discussions I discovered many things about her and her family. Her mother, Flavia Sabina, had been the only child of a rich merchant but far from being raised as a spoiled child, had been educated to succeed her father as if she were a boy. Her grip of economics, politic and philosophy had caught Marcus Aurelius' attention during a dinner were she had accompanied her father. The emperor's marriage was falling out because of his wife Faustina's liking for gladiators and he found comfort in the friendship with a woman who was not only interested in fashion and burly fighters. After few years of being friends, they became lovers when Faustina died of illness and they had a daughter, Aureliana. Marcus Aurelius could not adopt her for political reasons but cared for her deeply, visiting her often when he was in Rome and often taking Lucilla with him. Aureliana's mother had died three before, leaving her daughter heir to an immense fortune which included estates scattered along the empire and one of Rome largest commercial fleets.

The more I knew about Aureliana, the more I liked her. She was still young and a bit naive but had a clever brain, with a great gasp for economic matters. In politics she was smart, but too much of an idealist, not having the calculating edge of Lucilla. She was still pure, uncorrupted...it was so refreshing to speak with her, to laugh with her now that everything was all right between us.

And then, almost suddenly, I realized I was attracted by her.

It happened one day, while we were on the deck looking at the sea. The wind was blowing strongly and the ship broke a wave with strength, causing some water to splash on us. We retracted from the railing with a cry and began to laugh as children and then my eyes fell on her breasts, to which the wet silk of her dress clung like a second skin. My laughter died as I felt my body react to the sight and I turned away embarrassed and confused. I imposed myself to ignore those new feelings: Aureliana was so young, I was not yet totally over what happened to Selene, and we were traveling to Rome to kill its emperor, even if we did not know how many chance we had to do so. It was hardly the time for a romantic interlude even if  I had been the kind of man who enjoy passing affairs, which I was not. However I had to repeat that to myself a lot of times, especially when Aureliana flashed me that little smile I was beginning to adore.

*****

Maximus was not the only one fighting with his emotions.

I too was experiencing deep feelings for my traveling companion. Now that he was free again and not in such a bad mood as he had been in the past, I could see in him, in the way he spoke and moved, the real man my father had loved and esteemed, the man I had wanted to save. And it was a very special man indeed, his charismatic personality matching his physical attractiveness to create a formidable combination I was not able to resist.

I was aware I was in love with him, I had been since the day he had kissed me, and I did not know what to do. I was also very shy, not knowing how he would react to my advances. Maximus seemed to truly like the time we spent together on the ship, talking of everything and playing games but when he spoke of his lost family his eyes were so sad and melancholy I believed he was still bound to his late wife. I thought he would not welcome my attention - admitted and not granted I would have had the courage to make the first step - and so I decided to content myself with the friendship I was sure already existed between us, happy to spend hours listening to his voice as he told me stories about his early days in the army, and proud he trusted me enough to tell me what really happened in Germania that tragic day when my father died.

I was not willing to lose all of this by showing Maximus something he might not want - or be ready - to take. Right, because, even if I was inexperienced in love matters, I noticed the glances he sometimes threw in my direction, before turning his eyes away in a guilty move.

It was not very much....but it was enough to hope.

VII

Once that the ship had docked in Neapolis, we bought some horses and a wagon stocked with silk and disguised as a commercial caravan we began our journey to Rome. I did not take the role of merchant but as one the guards escorting the merchandises, while Titus and Aureliana posed like a father-daughter team.

The journey lasted twelve days and it could have been beautiful if not for the tension caused by our mission and the presence of Praetorian squads along the way. They kept on asking for our papers and searching the wagon but luckily they did not cause more trouble than shaking our nerves. These occasions made me admire Aureliana's cold blood and the way she had commanded all her servants' loyalty. In that aspect she was truly her father's daughter... And the more time I spent with her, the more I found her difficult to resist. As impossible it would have been only six months before, I was falling in love with her but I forced myself not to act. I did not know what was awaiting me, us, in Rome and I did not want to hurt her. And more importantly, I did not know if Aureliana would welcome my attentions...I can now admit I was not aware of her feelings then; so much time had passed since the last time I had fallen in love, I could not recognize the signs...

Until the evening Aureliana made very clear what she thought of me...

*****

I still remember that evening as if it happened yesterday.

We were just few miles outside away from Rome, crossing a deserted country area, surrounded only by fields and forests. I was feeling a mix of fear, excitement and expectation which increased with each passing mile.

As the sun began its slow descent, we stopped and made our camp near the Tiber. It would have been the last time. The next evening we would reach Gracchus' house.

As Titus and the other men raised our tents and began to prepare dinner, Maximus took care of the horses taking them to the river for drinking and a bath. Since I have always loved those magnificent creatures, I went to him and despite his protests I helped him to led the beasts to the water. I then sat on a fallen tree and watched him play with a colt, as he grabbed and gently pulled its tongue when the young beast opened its mouth trying to playfully bite the General. It was such a serene scene I lost myself in contemplation: there, near the murmuring river, surrounded by the quiet forest, I felt strangely at peace, as if all the dangers awaiting for us in Rome and all the worries which had accompanied our travel had disappeared.

But unfortunately peace lasted only few minutes, as the clouds which had followed us for all the day accumulated over our heads and the distant rumble of a thunder broke the silence. I have been scared by the storms since when, only four years old, I saw my nurse being killed by a lightning just few steps away from me. I consider myself a grounded person but thunders and lightings seem to bring out the irrational creature which lives in me. That day was no exception: I reacted to the first lighting I saw by jumping to my feet and running to the forest, trying to find a refuge. Which of course is the worst thing do during a storm because everyone know you must stay away from the trees, but as I told you, my mind ceased to function as terror gripped me so much I even forgot that the area around us was full of treacherous marshes.

But luckily Maximus followed me, grabbing me by an arm and stopping me before I could end in trouble or hurt myself.

*****

When I saw Aureliana spring on her feet and run away I was surprised and alarmed. Had she heard or something strange? Something which may be a menace to us? Then a flash of light made me suddenly remember a conversation I had with Marcus Aurelius during a stormy night in Germania, when commenting on the lighting he had told me his little Pseca was terrified by them.

I left the horses, confident they would not run away, and threw myself in her pursuit, calling her name aloud. During the day we had seen some little spots of marshy ground and I was afraid she might fall in one of them.

Aureliana ran fast and wild like a scared gazelle but finally I was able to reach her and grabbing her arm I brought her to a stop.

"Aureliana!" I said, turning her around to face me. "Aureliana!"

Her eyes were wide and unfocused and she tried to struggle away, saying almost imploringly, "We must escape! We must find a shelter! The lighting will kill us!"

"Shhh..." I soothed her without loosening my grip on her, "Calm down and look at the sky....do you see? The storm is moving away, not coming in our direction. There is no reason to be frightened." I pulled her in my arms and pressed her head against my chest, caressing her hair and back, feeling her small body slowly stop trembling.

*****

The first thing I became aware as sanity returned, and I snapped out of my terrified state, was the soothing sound of Maximus' heart beating near my ear. I let it lull me back to tranquility and reason but when it happened I felt myself cringe in shame as I realized what kind of spectacle I had just offered to the man I most wanted to impress favorably. I felt myself flush with embarrassment before saying, "Please let me go, General. I am fine now."

He did so, his strong arms slowly falling down from my shoulders as I stepped away from him, so ashamed by my behavior I did not have the courage to meet his eyes. We stayed silent for a long time and then he asked gently, "Are you already, my lady?"

I nodded, "Yes, thank you General." I mumbled still staring at my feet.

"It does not seems so," he commented in a low voice and I finally decided it was time to look at him. I did so and when my eyes met his, I did not see pity or anger in them but only gentleness.

"I am sorry, General, I should not have behaved like I did...I know I must look totally stupid to you, to be so scared by the lighting. You are used to danger, real danger, both in battle and in the arena and you surely are thinking I was an idiot to escape like that...I have no right to be so silly, there are more terrifying things.... the barbarian hordes you met in Germania.. they are things to be scared of, not-" I don't know for how much time I would have continued to babble if Maximus had not stopped the river of words by kissing me. But unlike the punishing kiss he gave me in Melita, this one was gentle and sweet. And unlike the past time I did not stay rigid and passive, but I actively responded to him, putting in the act all the longing I had stored inside myself all of the past months.

I think my actions surprised Maximus, because he broke the connection of our lips to stare with wonder at my eyes. I smiled to him before replying to his unspoken question by cupping his bearded face and pulling his mouth once more against mine.

*****

That was the beginning: as a river breaking its banks, our feelings, so carefully hidden from the other, and perhaps even from ourselves, in the past months, broke free and overflowed us, making impossible for us to stop the tide until the waves of our passion spent by themselves.

Care, admiration, attraction and desire mingled together to create a storm of emotions which submerged us. We made love there, in the middle of the forest, with the tall and tender grass as our bed. I tried to be as gentle as I could, conscious of Aureliana's innocence, and even if it was not easy to keep my body under control after so many years of abstinence, I think I succeeded to make the experience good for both of us.

When everything was finished I looked deeply in Aureliana's eyes, silently asking how she was feeling, and she replied with the brightest smile I ever saw in my life. I answered to her with the first genuine, joyous laughter I experienced in nearly four years, before rolling on my back and hugging her little body to my chest and stayed there for a long time.

Our troubles were far from over but for the moment I was in peace.

*****

We lay there, doing nothing else but look at each other, for I don't know how much time, until my servants' voices calling for us broke the spell. Maximus helped me to dress and I was surprised once again by how gentle that man, who was such fierce warrior, was. He had been a tender and careful lover, making my first time as sweet and wonderful as I has always dreamed while reading Ovid's love poems. He had treated me as the most precious thing in the world, a sensation never experienced before.

We did not exchange words of love that evening, at least not with our lips, but we both knew there was something very deep and beautiful between us, and that made even more important for us to get even with Commodus, because only with his death we would be really free to begin a new life, with no black shadows darkening our future.

VIII

The next evening we arrived in Rome.

We were all nervous to cross the city gates but we worked hard to keep our feelings under control, not wanting to arouse suspicions in the guards. However the Praetorians were distract in their job, barely checking our documents before motioning us to move away. Aureliana thanked the gods for our good fortune, but I hoped the careless control was due to the fact the sentries were not caring a lot for their emperor.

Once inside the walls we found a inn with annex stable where Titus and the other men settled down, booking rooms for all of us while Aureliana and I went immediately to Senator Gracchus' house.

The politician lived atop the Viminal hill and I followed Aureliana across the city, surprised by how easily she was able to orient herself in that maze of streets and little roads. In the end we climbed the Vicus Patricius till we reached the gates of an elegant domus.

"Here we are," she whispered and knocked on the door.

"Who is there?" asked a servant, opening the door just a little.

"Tell Senator Gracchus Lady Pseca is here," Aureliana said. The servant, a heavily painted young Greek, arched his eyebrow upon hearing the name but obediently scurried away to inform his master.

We waited for few minutes and then the door was opened again, this time by a distinguished old man with short grey beard and hair. The man stared at Aureliana with shock, and then, took her by the elbow and pulled her inside the villa, indicating me to follow her, and then looking nervously in the street before closing the door.

"My child, what are you doing here?" he asked as soon as the bolt was safety in place, "Why have you returned here, now that you were safe in Melita?"

"You know why I returned, I could not stay away knowing what Commodus is doing to Lucilla and Lucius." Aureliana said fiercely

Gracchus smiled bitterly, "You are such an idealist, my child. And how do you propose to help them?"

"I do not presume to know how to eliminate Commodus, but I know someone who might be able to help.."

"Oh?" Gracchus raised an eyebrow, "And who might be?"

Aureliana touched my arm and signaled me to step closer to her, "Senator, let me introduce you General Maximus Decimus Meridas." I let hood the hood of my cloak slid out my head and bowed to him, "Senator Gracchus."

The older man moved his unbelieving eyes from me to Aureliana and back to me and sputtered, "What? Don't tell me he was in Melita with you?!?!"

"I was there," I answered in her place, "She bought me from Proximo and took me away from Rome."

Gracchus was too stunned to reply but recovered quickly. He cleared his throat and said, offering me his hand, "Well, General, it is a pleasure to meet you. I have heard a lot about you."

"Good things, I hope."

"Good things, General, and from the persons I trust and trusted most...Marcus Aurelius thought very well of you."

I nodded. "Senator, I have something very important to tell you about the late Caesar, but perhaps it would be better not to stay here in the atrium.."

"Oh my! Forgive me, I have totally forgotten where we are...Please follow me.."

Gracchus led us up a long stair till his elegant and large tablinium where he offered us chairs and poured three glasses of wine, before returning to the matter on hand. "What you wanted to say, General?"

*****

Maximus began to talk and in few, clear sentences told Gracchus what happened in Germania the day my father died and about his need to discover where the Felix Legion was. He concluded saying, "I have no proof to show you Marcus Aurelius wanted me to restore the Republic, but I hope my being here instead that staying safe in Melita is evidence enough I can be trusted."

Gracchus nodded slowly, "Marcus Aurelius trusted you General; his daughters trust you. I will trust you by researching where your army is stationed now and, more importantly, by telling you there is an on-going plan to eliminate him." It was not necessary to say who 'him' was. "It will be put in action tomorrow."

"So soon?" I asked.

"Yes; he forced our hands. You must know the day after tomorrow he plans to claim the consulship dressed as a gladiator, not to mention the fact he wants to change the name of the city from Rome to Colonia Commodiana. He is totally crazy and without Lucilla's hand to restrain him he is uncontrollable. He has decimated the Senate - I wonder everyday why I am still alive - and the ordo equestor to confiscate its goods to pay for his games, after he finished to sell the city grain reserves. The mob is tired of him and the Praetorians are disgusted by his ways of living...it is time to act."

"What is the plan?" Maximus asked.

"Marcia, his mistress, and the Prefect of the Praetorium are going to poison him. As you perhaps know, tomorrow is a day of vacation in celebration of Jupiter. All the offices will be closed and all the slaves, clerks and many Pretorians will be off duty. But Commodus will stay in the Palace because he has to train with a gladiator - he wants to be 'perfect' for his appearance in the arena," Gracchus snorted and went on, "He always trains alone with the fighter and Marcia plans to put the poison in his wine. It will be something very slow because Commodus has someone always testing his food and drinks, but the physical extersions of the fight with the gladiator will speed up the effect.."

"And give you a scapegoat...Someone to be pointed out to the crowd as guilty," comment Maximus bitterly, referring to the gladiator's role.

"I am afraid so," agreed Gracchus.

"How is this fighter called?"

"Narcissus, I think. The names stuck me as ridiculous for such that man since he has -"

"-a broken nose and such a ugly scarred face he always wear an helmet." finished Maximus.

"Do you know him?" I asked him.

"Yes, he too belonged to Proximo's school."

"Well, General, I am sorry, but every war has its victims." Gracchus commented.

"I know," sighed Maximus, "All too well. So, when it will happen?"

"Just after lunch..."

Silence fell on the room as we all sipped some of our wine, then I broke the stillness, "So, what we do now?"

"I think it should be better if you and the General would leave the city and wait outside the gates for the result of this conspiracy. You  - both of you -  took a terrible risk on coming back. Commodus will order you killed on the spot if he should ever know you are here. Stay away, please, for Marcus Aurelius' memory sake and in the eventuality, General, we might need you to act...in case...in case..-"

Gracchus' voice died but Maximus completed the sentence, "In case the plan fails."

"Yes."

There was nothing more to say. Gracchus escorted us to the door, kissed me on the cheek and said to Maximus, "Please, General, keep her safe."

"I will do so."

*****

The trip to the tavern was quick and uneventful, and we did it in silence, both of us lost in thought.

When we arrived, we joined Titus and the rest of our party and explained them the situation. It was decided we would leave Rome very early in the morning, return in the country and wait for news encamped near the road for Ostia.

After that, we eat and then departed for our rooms.

I escorted Aureliana to her chamber but I did not move to follow her inside.

"Don't you want to come in?" she asked me shyly, lowering her eyes, before looking at me by behind her eyelids.

I smiled at her, feeling desire mount in me but suppressing it firmly. "I would love to join you, my little Pseca, but it is better not. Tomorrow will be a long day, we need to be well rested and you know we did not have much sleep last night." I winked to her and she blushed as she remembered our past night activities. Then she smiled, "You are right."

I grinned and then pulled her in my arms, for a warm hug and a kiss, putting in them all the tenderness and the feeling I could master. It was a long kiss, as if I wanted to fix the sensations in my memory. Then our lips parted and I looked in Aureliana's shining eyes, I felt the desire to tell her I had changed idea, but I could not. So I roughly said, "Good night, Aureliana."

"Good night, Maximus."

She turned around and entered her bedroom and I waited till I hear the bolt slid in place. Then I marched down the hallway, but I did not go to my room, I stopped in front of Titus' and knocked.

"Yes?" he replied at once.

"Titus, it's Maximus. I need to talk to you. It's urgent."

The former centurion opened the door and asked worried, "What is it?"

"May come inside?"

"Oh, forgive me, General. Come in, come in." He moved aside and let me pass.

I  paced back and forth in the room for some moments then I looked at the older man, "Titus, I must ask a favor to you."

He looked at me curiously.

"As a soldier you know the importance of honor," I began and he silently nodded, "and I think  you were a good centurion, always fighting with his men and not shouting orders away from the battles. Titus nodded again, "I too was that kind of officer, even when I was promoted to general I still kept to lead the cavalry charges.."

He stared at me and said, "General, where are you getting on?"

"I am not leaving Rome with you, Titus. I am going to stay here to assure that Commodus won't see another day." I replied finally voicing aloud the thought which was tormenting me from the moment Gracchus had revealed his plan.

"What?!?"

"I cannot risk that he survives the poisoning, it would be too dangerous, not only for Aureliana, Lucilla and Lucius, but for everyone in Rome. If he survives he will unleash his rage on everyone and everything. And he will become so paranoid it could be impossible to get another chance to eliminate him." I was brutally frank with Titus, and the former centurion nodded.

"You don't have to convince me, General, I have served Rome for twenty five years and I don't want to see it in ruins because of a madman. Do what you need to do, I will keep the mistress safe. I will take her out the city and wait for you near the cross-road for Ostia."

I smiled, "Thank you Titus. Now I must go, I need to make some enquires."

"All right. Good luck."

"Good luck," I said as we shook hands, "and, 'strength and honor'".

"Strength and honor.....and General?" Titus' tone made me stop with my hand already on the door knob.

"Yes?"

"Return alive: I can protect Aureliana, but I won't never be able to heal her broken heart if you don't come back."

"I will be back, Titus. Tell her I will be back."

And speaking thus I exchanged a last glance with him before leaving the room.

IX

Finding where Narcissus lived was easier than I hoped: everyone seemed to know he was the emperor's sparring partner and it was not difficult to find a boy ready to take me to his house in change of same copper coins.

The gladiator lived near the Suburra, at the second floor of a six stories high insula. Since the price of the rent is higher for the lower - and safer - floors than for the higher, I deduced my old aquitance was making money and having a good life. One more reason more to keep him away from what was going to happen the next day.

Perhaps it would be better if I tell you something about Narcissus. He was a gladiator because he had been sentenced to the arena for killing a man. In reality he never did it but was fixed by his wife and her lover, a rich landowner in Zucchabar. A basically gentle man, he had been forced to fight for his life and used his great agility as former gymnast as a weapon in the ring. He had always been friendly with me and I hated the idea of seeing him used as a scapegoat. He had been already saddled with a crime he had not committed, and he deserved better than it.

*

I spent the night sleeping with my back resting against the wall of Narcissus' apartment, covered with my cloak. I woke up at the first light of the new day and after stretching my sore muscles, I knocked on the door.

"Who is?" thundered a voice from inside.

"A friend from Zucchabar." I replied. The door was thrown open with force and Narcissus appeared on the threshold. He was not wearing his helmet and his horribly scarred face showed all of his surprise.

"Good morning, Narcissus, do you remember me?"

There was a moment of stunned silence and then he smiled, "Maximus! What a pleasure to see you!" He embraced me quickly, before leading me inside his house. "Where are you been? We were so afraid something had happened to you. What have you been doing?" He covered me with questions, clearly happy to see me again. I too was content to see him but unfortunately that was not the time for a friendly reunion.

"It is a long story, Narcissus, and I am going to tell you all of it as soon as you close the door." He obeyed me, made me sit at his kitchen table, and then I told him exactly what had happened to me and what was going to happen that day. The gladiator was first comprehensibly shocked by the fact they wanted to use him as a scapegoat and then he became enraged, "I won't let them trap me another time!"

"Of course not, because you won't go to the Palace today. I shall go."

"What?"

"I will take your place Narcissus. I will kill Commodus, finishing what I was not able to do in the Colosseum." I said with decision.

"But it is dangerous..." My friend was really concerned and it warmed my heart, even if did not change my mind.

"I know it but I cannot do otherwise. It is my duty to my family and my emperor... and it is my destiny."

We locked gazes and Narcissus slowly nodded, "I understand. How can I help you?"

"I need you to explain to me your exact activities and movements in the Palace. From where do you enter? Where is the gym? Do you speak with the guards? I need to know everything. I have been told you always wear a helmet during your training session....is it true?"

"Yes, the brat cannot stand my face." Narcissus smiled then suddenly got up, "Wait me here, I want you show something you will find interesting." He walked to another room and came back few seconds later carrying a metal item in his hands, "Here, this is the helmet I use."

I took it and grinned broadly when I looked at it: it was the same helmet I wore during the Battle of Carthage. I seemed like a sign of the gods and I laughed aloud remembering Commodus' scared face in the arena. Narcissus briefly joined me before returning serious, "You won't be able to carry any weapons with you, Maximus."

"I know, but I will use my bare hands if necessary."

"If you say so....All right, what do you say about breakfast? It is still too early to go to the Palace and I can tell you what you need to know while we eat." He quirked an eyebrow in enquiry.

I smiled and shook my head remembering how Narcissus had the reputation of always being hungry, and then helped him to set the table.

*

We ate in an amicable atmosphere, and Narcissus was very exhaustive in his explanations about the Palace and his usual activities in there.

Then he helped me to dress: luckily we were almost of the same size and the fine tunic Commodus had given to him fitted me well. Our eyes met as Narcissus put the helmet over my head and I saw tears brimming in his. "Please don't die," he said in his very low voice, revealing once again the gentle heart he his under his ferocious features, "I would never forgive myself if something should happen to you."

"Nothing will happen to me," I replied, "I have a promise to keep."

He did not understand my reference but nodded all the same. We shook hands again and with a final, "Strength and honor" I left his apartment and directed to the Palace and my appointment with destiny.

*****

Writing these lines is extremely difficult for me because it makes me experience again the emotions I felt that distant morning, when anger and fear gripped me in their strong arms. And even if  many years had passed, I feel the urge to smack Maximus, to punish him for what I suffered that interminable day.

It had been Titus to tell me what Maximus intended to do and my first reaction had been to go and find him, to bring him back with us outside the city walls. However Titus' cool head bested my frantic mind, making me reflect it was too late to stop Maximus: making enquires about Narcissus could have risen suspicion in the Praetorians or in Commodus' spies scattered in the city. Thus I could not do anything else but agree with my old friend and prepare to leave the city, with my heart crushed by worries and my lips silently praying the gods for Maximus' safe return.

X

Entering the Palace was almost too simple.

There were only two Praetorians guarding the servants' entrance where Narcissus' explanations had directed me, also telling me to stop in front of them, bow my head and stretch out my arms so I could have being searched for hidden weapons. I did exactly as I have been instructed and everything went fine. As the guards let me inside with a distract wave of their hands, I wondered if their slack attitude with which the search was carried of, so similar to whose of the sentries guarding the city gates, was merely due to the fact they were upset to be on duty while all of their companions were enjoying the vacation or it was a symptom of Commodus' decreasing grip on his men.

Once inside the building, nothing but empty corridors and halls greeted me. I moved quickly through the deserted rooms, remembering the way Narcissus indicated to me, and I reached the gymnasium in only few minutes.

Narcissus had told me that since Commodus spent a lot of time inside that room - surely much more of that he spent doing his job of ruler - it looked more like a reception hall than a simple gym. I pushed the door open and stepped inside an ante-chamber with chests and coat pegs were to hang the clothes. The room was beautiful, decorated  with green and pink marble but I had not much time to look at it better because my attention was attracted by an angry voice coming from a door which opened in the wall in front of me. I recognized it as Commodus' and a shiver of revulsion ran along my spine. Silent as a cat I walked across the pavement and pressed against the wall, poking my head to see what was going on in near room. It was the real gymnasium, with low mattresses on the floor and other kind of athletic tools, but in a corner there was also a low table surrounded by couches and divans, put there so people can recline on them as they observed the athletes working out.

However the room occupants were not enjoying a boxing match... As soon as my mind realized what was going on I understood the plan to poison Commodus had failed. Not only he was in full health but he was aware of what had been tempted against him. He was standing near the couches, pointing to one of them, speaking angrily to another man, who I recognized as Quintus, the Prefect of the Praetorium and my former friend.

"-- She tried to kill me!" Commodus was saying, "And she will now pay the price of her treason!"

"It's not true!" cried a woman's voice, coming from one of the couches and I stretched my neck to see better. There was a black haired young woman sitting on the divan, her body almost obscured by Commodus' and Quintus' and she looked fearful as she added, "Please believe me, you are feeling unwell because you eat something which didn't agree with your stomach."

"Really? Then, my dear Marcia, you will be happy to ease my doubts by drinking the wine you served to me." Commodus' voice was falsely sweet.

"But, Caesar, it could have not been the wine, it had been tasted before...." Now it was Quintus' turn to speak, and I could hear from his tone he was scared.

Commodus noticed it too. I saw his back stiffen and he shook with rage, "You too, Quintus? You too are plotting against me?"

"No, Caesar...I.."

Commodus thrust a cup to the Praetorian and ordered, "Drink it!"

"Caesar.."

"DRINK IT! Or I will have you killed even if the wine should prove innocuous! Drink!"

I saw Quintus take the cup to his lips, but his hand was shaking so badly he spilled most of its content. He made the move to drink but then he threw the cup to the floor, the clangor of the metal hitting the marble echoing in the silence. Quintus stood in front of Commodus with a resolute expression on his face, ready to die as a soldier.

"You are dead, Laetus," said coldly Commodus, unsheathing the sword he had with him.

It was then I made my move, stepping out of my hiding place and walking quietly across the gymnasium. My boots echoed on the floor and Commodus turned around sharply.

"Ah, Narcissus, here you are." A slow, cruel smile appeared on his face as his eyes blazed insanely, "There is a change of program today...I want you to first kill my former Prefect of the Praetorium: he has betrayed his emperor."

My eyes shifted from Commodus to Quintus and then to the sword the younger man had in his hand. I nodded, bowed my head and, trying to imitate Narcissus' low voice, I said, "As you command, Caesar."

Commodus smirked but instead of giving me the sword he gripped it more tightly, in the stance of a man ready to strike, "I changed idea, Narcissus. I want this pleasure all for myself. Now wait here, I will be ready to begin our training session soon...." He turned his back to me and ordered to his intended victim, "Kneel!"

Quintus refused to obey and Commodus reacted by slashing him along his calves, bringing him to his knees with a pained cry.

It was enough, I could no longer wait.

I jumped on Commodus from behind and pulled his sworded arm on the side just before the blade connected with Quintus' neck. My move was sudden but he recovered quickly from his surprise. "What are you doing?" he shouted turning around, "How do you dare to strike me?" As Quintus slid away we began to fight for the sword, with me trying to disarm Commodus and he trying to stab me. In the end I kicked him on his fingers and he let the weapon fall to the pavement, where I pushed it away with my foot.

I and Commodus stayed still for several seconds, staring  at each other, my breath extraordinary loud in my ears. He probably noticed something different in my eyes because he asked, "Who are you?"

I lost no time to remove the helmet, "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridas and I am here to finish what I was not able to do in the Colosseum." I should have felt satisfaction seeing the scared expression which appeared on his face, but I only felt sadness and determination.

I saw Commodus urgently scan the room to see where the sword had ended up and then sprint in that direction. I jumped on him and we fell heavily to the floor, rolling together in a deadly grip. We stood up and threw against each other, the struggle which followed being the most brutal one I ever saw or was in. We were bare-handed, but hands and feet can be terrible weapons. Fists and kicks flied in abundance as we fought as furious wolves, my superior strength matched by Commodus' greatest fastness. But in the end, I don't even remember how it happened, I found myself straddling Commodus' chest, my hands wrapped around his neck. As I began to squeeze, he pummeled my back, stomach and face with a rain of blows, but I was insensible to pain, even when he hit me above my eye, breaking the skin, and the blood began to pour down my face, obscuring my view, and falling on Commodus' white armor as his attempts to freed himself became feebler and feebler.

And then they stopped.

I stayed with my hands around his neck, hearing my labored breath and pounding heart echo in my ears as I stared to Commodus' purple face. He looked like his father's and I wondered for a second if he had thought about it before he died.

Slowly I calmed down and I became aware of Quintus' voice speaking to me, "Maximus? Let him go, Maximus, it is finished." He kept on saying that and I finally understood. I stood up and shaking my head I looked around me. Quintus was standing, leaning heavily on his sword to stay upright. He saw my eyes rest on the blade and he reacted by limping till he was near me and offering it to me. He was putting his life in my hands, but I found myself without desire of revenge, as if Commodus' death had freed me from it. Quintus' betrayal had wounded me deeply and I knew we would have never returned to be friends, but I had no desire to kill him. Instead I needed his help.

XI

The following hours passed in a blur of activities....So many things to be done and so little time! Luckily the conspiracy - even if it would have failed without my arrival - had been well organized. The Praetorians on duty that day in the Palace were Quintus' most trusted men and they not only blocked all the accesses to the imperial residence, but were also dispatched to summon Gracchus and other senators who had opposed Commodus. While we waited for the Senators' arrival, Marcia - a remarkable young woman, I must say - took care of Quintus' wounds and then we went to free Lucilla from her prison, a wing of the Palace which looked like a gilded cage. I was shocked by her appearance: her face was pale and drawn, her body too thin, her eyes dark circled . She looked much older than I remembered but - and I cannot help to smile even now - she transformed when she saw her son, who, I was informed later, she have not seen in months, run in her arms. They embraced for a long time, then Lucilla stood up and looked at me with wonder. I tilted my head in salute and she smiled, before returning to be the skilled politician I knew. It was clear she wanted to ask me questions but both of us knew it was not the time.

When Gracchus arrived, he and Lucilla appointed me back to my rank of general of the Felix Legions, which Lucilla told me were encamped in Ostia. I was delighted to hear about it and a messager was sent to alert my men of my return.

In a private meeting it was decided to tell the mob, at least for the moment,  Commodus had died because of a heart attack, leaving the empire in his sister's and the Senate's hands. I would have acted as warrantee of peace and public order.

I worked with Lucilla and Gracchus for the greatest part of the day, as we sorted out the most immediate steps we needed to take. I wanted so badly to go to Aureliana, but it was impossible and so I had to use one of Gracchus' personal servants to carry her a message to tell her everything was all right. It was not what I wanted to do but Rome needed me.

*****

I still remember that day as one of the longest of my life.

Time seemed to never pass and the wait near the cross-road for Ostia was never-ending.

Titus and the other men tried in every way to distract and keep me busy but they too were worried, both about Maximus' fate and the possibility we might have to escape as fast as we could. Titus always kept me under his watchful gaze, perhaps afraid I might decide to take one of the horses and run back in Rome.... not that the thought did not cross my mind...

For the entire day I watched men on foot, on horse or on charts, move along the road. They were rich merchants going to Rome, farmers taking their products to the Ostia market, field workers returning to their homes. Nothing special, only the simple life of everyday.

And the, when I was really risking to get crazy, something happened: I saw a rider gallop in our direction as if pursued by the Furies. The man was bearded and for few seconds my heart rejoiced believing him to be Maximus. But it was not him. It was a senatorial courier who did not stop near us but proceeded to Ostia.

As I watched the man and horse thunder past us I felt desperation crush on me and I let out a choked sound. Titus came near me and wrapping his arms around my shoulders he said, "I am sure the General is alright, my Lady." I embraced him, taking comfort from his solid form and began to wait again.

Two hours later another horse arrived galloping along the paved road, but this time its rider slowed down as he approached the cross-road and my heart began to run as I recognized Gracchus' secretary. Our gazes locked and he smiled to me, before dismounting and walking to my position. Unable to stand still I approached him, withholding my breath in expectation.

"Domina," he said after a respectful bow, "I have a message for you."

I took the folded papyrus he offered to me and I almost tore it open when I saw it bore Lucilla's seal. But the words inside were not my half-sister's:

My Lady,

Everything is fine. Commodus is no more.

Please return to Gracchus' house; I will be there to meet you.

Maximus

I had barely finished to read the letter that I was ordering my escort to get ready to move. My heart was almost bursting with joy: Maximus was alive, Commodud was dead, Lucilla, her son and Rome were safe...What more could I ask from life? That the road to the Urbe was shorter, of course!

*

When we arrived in Rome, I found another of Gracchus' servants awaiting for me near the gate, carrying a special permission which allowed us to enter the walls, since nobody could enter or leave because of the delicate political situation.

I was quickly led to the senator's villa and hoisted inside where, after a long embrace with my old friend, I finally saw Maximus again.

He was standing atop the stair which opened in the hall of the domus and was wearing a military uniform, his general uniform. He looked impressive and powerful and dangerous.... but not his face. His face bore the gentlest and happiest smile I ever saw. His eyes shone so much I was mesmerized by their gleam, barely noticing his bruised cheekbones and cut eyebrow and lips. We looked at each other in silence, then we began to move at the same time, meeting in the middle of the stairs and embracing with all our might, your happiness almost a tangible thing.

Epilogue

All of this took place ten years ago.

Many things happened since that day. The attempt to restore the Republic as Marcus Aurelius had asked me failed because of the ambitions harbored by many senators who wished to become emperors themselves.

Lucilla, Gracchus and I tried everything to get the politicians work together and not against each other, but in the end we had to admit defeat: Rome needed a strong man on the throne and that man was me. I did my duty and served as Protector for eight years until I left the reins of power to Lucius Septimius Severus, another provincial general who I hope will do well for the empire.

Now I am here back in Melita, enjoying the simple life and work I dreamed of while I was in Germania. These fields are different from those in Hispania but it is better so. I have returned in Trujillo only once, to give a deign burial to Selene and Marcus and to have the villa rebuilt. I have entrusted the lands to friend and I don't know if I will ever be back, too many sad memories are connected with that place. My home is here now, on this little island where there is no arena and where Rome and its politics seem so far away.

Aureliana and I married two months after our return in Rome and our union is beautiful and blessed by the birth of three children, a boy, Maximus Iunior and two girls, Annia and Flavia. I love all of them so much and I am so glad I can stay near them all the time. Someone will think I am crazy, because I given up power to retire in a little corner of world, but I don't care.

I am happy. And, even more importantly for a man who had spent much of his life fighting, I am in peace, with myself and with the world.

What else I could ask for?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

The End

Historical note: In 192AD Marcia, Commodus' mistress and the Prefect of the Praetorium Quintus Aemilius Letus tried to kill the emperor by poisoning him. However it was not to eliminate him and the help of the wrestler Narcissus was required. He killed Commodus by strangling him.