Sonic the Hedgehog stepped lightly out the door to his shack. The palm leaves hung still in the balmy late afternoon, and the sky was just the way he liked it: clear and blue. Lacing his fingers behind his head, Sonic absently admired the view as he made his way, intent on a destination.

The peace was suddenly broken by the sound of laser fire aimed at his direction, and Sonic reacted almost purely out of muscle memory - executing a spinning leap out of the way and landing to face the threat. In this case, the usual threat.

Sure enough, the sort-of-dastardly Eggman hovered there in his Eggmobile, with a maniacal grin beneath his generous mustache. A back-up army of lesser bots waited in the sky behind him.

Unable to hold back a sigh, Sonic put a hand on his hip and candidly addressed the man.

"Look. Can we just skip to the part where your bots are in pieces and you fly off into the sunset in defeat? I kinda have somewhere else to be."

Eggman's grin widened. "But what could be more pressing than a sound thrashing, courtesy of my new Bash N' Burnbot?" With great flair, he pushed at a button on his control panel.

From somewhere behind Sonic's home, a hulking robot came flying to land in front of the teenage hedgehog. Now that Sonic looked a little more closely, he could see that the basic design of Eggman's latest creation was very similar to regular old Burnbot. In addition to the wicked pincers extending out from each side, the bot was outfitted with long arms and huge, spiked fists that did look quite capable of bashing things. The flamethrower additions spewed out searing flames, just to complete the picture.

Casually confident in the face of this death machine, Sonic closed his eyes and waved a hand as he explained. "Well, y'see, the gang's waiting on me. Amy's been wanting to try that new Big Meh Burger, and I owe her one."

After a beat, when neither a response nor an attack seemed forthcoming, Sonic looked up to find that Eggman had suddenly dropped the evil sneer and was rubbing at the back of his head in what seemed like embarrassment. "Actually, Sonic, you've reminded me that there was something I came here to talk to you about."

Sonic raised an eyeridge. "Was that going to be before or after I stopped your attempt to reduce the beachfront to char?"

"Well, after, but I'm flexible," Eggman replied. "When the moment's right, the moment's right, you know?" He raised a shoulder in a 'What can you do?' gesture. Then he pressed another button at his controls, and Bash 'N Burnbot whirred, then quieted. All of its dangerous appendages lowered to less hostile positions, while the flamethrowers shut off but still glowed orange, reverting to what looked like some sort of standby mode.

Sonic hesitated, a frown developing. What seemed like a lifetime of fighting Eggman had conditioned him to distrust anything that came from the man's mouth. But then again...it wouldn't be the first time he and his enemy had shared a non-confrontational moment, and those moments honestly didn't bother him as much as they probably should.

With a mental shrug, Sonic folded his arms and settled back on his heels a little. "Go for it, Eggy. I'm listening. I guess."

"Let's see...how do I put this?" Eggman mumbled to himself. Louder, he went on: "The other day, if you'll recall - we were doing the whole designated one-on-one thing - I came upon you sleeping on the sand."

Sonic racked his brain for a moment. The memory was there, though a little vague. Considering he had actually slipped up enough to be captured by Eggman and then abandoned there with said villain (by his own friends, no less), he had already shoved that day's events into the 'Unnecessary Embarrassment To Forget As Soon As Possible' file and moved on.

"Yeeeees...?" He drawled, wanting to hurry this along.

"Well, I noticed that you were...mumbling in your sleep as I arrived."

Sonic blinked. Huh. Not that common as far as he knew, but also not much to worry about. "Okaaay. Yeah, so?"

"You see," Eggman went on, looking more and more uncomfortable by the moment, "Looming over you in such a menacing manner, I couldn't help but overhear something a little...concerning." Sonic sighed.

"Was it the chili dog dream again? Yes, I do dream about chili dogs sometimes, and no, I'm not ashamed." He added, defensively, "Tails told me food dreams are actually pretty common -"

"Er, if only that were the case, I'm afraid," Eggman interrupted, scratching the side of his face nervously. "It was - "

"Ah," Sonic said with a sly smirk. "Was I sleep-talking about kicking your butt? It's true, even when I'm not awake, I'm too awesome to handle."

Eggman glowered, but still tried again. "No, that's not what -"

Now Sonic was preening, looking over his gloved fingers and buffing them on his chest fur, then pretending to blow off imaginary dust. "Yeah, I'm sure it burned you to know you lose constantly, even in my dreams - "

With a growl of frustration, Eggman finally cut him off. "It was about that pink little girlfriend of yours!"

Sonic couldn't help the way he suddenly froze up, eyes wide. It was all he could do to sputter out an automatic, "She-She's not my girlfriend!"

When it came to Amy Rose, Sonic the Hedgehog was unsure of his feelings on a good day, oblivious to them otherwise, and definitely not looking to talk about them. Much less with Eggman, of all people. What business was it of his, or anyone's, how he felt about Amy?! Or didn't feel?! Or whatever!

Now successfully unnerved, Sonic tried to hide it by making a show of rolling his eyes. "So it was about Amy, wow, big deal!" He began tapping a foot impatiently. "C'mon, out with it, Egghead, I don't have all day!"

"If you would stop interrupting me, I could just get this over with!" Eggman shouted back. Then the man actually grimaced, as though he would have rather been doing anything else in the universe than standing in front of his nemesis, finishing an uncomfortable conversation that he, himself, started.

Clearly going for the 'just rip off the band-aid' method, Eggman took a deep breath and then let everything out in a rush. "You told Amy to go away because you weren't in the mood!"

If Sonic had felt frozen before at the mention of Amy, THIS had turned him into a hunk of wood petrified over several millenia.

He stood there, gaping for a few seconds, until he finally managed to jump-start his brain and get it to form words. "Wh-What the heck are you talking about?!" He didn't think he'd ever heard himself shriek before.

"Exactly what I said!" countered Eggman. "From what you said in your sleep, it sounded like you and Amy might be...having relations of a certain sort and I just wanted to make sure you were going about it safely!"

Great, now Sonic was not only beyond mortified but blushing like an idiot as well. He did the only thing he could think of in this situation: he shut his eyes tightly and covered his ears and hoped this would all go away.

"I'm still here, you know!" Eggman said, sounding indignant.

"Yeah, unfortunately!" Sonic shot back. He uncovered his ears and opened his eyes to glare at the evil genius. "And I am NOT talking about this with you!"

"Look," said Eggman, "I don't want to discuss this any more than you do! But as one of the few adult influences in your life - "

"Ah!" Sonic hurriedly covered his ears again. "Do you have to say it like that? You are not IN my life! Well, you are, but not, you know, like that!"

"Well, do you have any other mentor figures to whom you turn for sage and invaluable advice?" Eggman glanced around out of habit, almost expecting that grammar-nitpicking beaver to pop up and show approval over his correct usage of the word 'whom'.

Sonic's response sounded more like he was choking than actually speaking. "I don't - You're not - I just-" He broke off with an incomprehensible noise of frustration. In fact, that was pretty much all he wanted to do at this point: just screech incoherently until this conversation was over, but Eggman kept talking.

"That's right, I didn't think so. Now, certain biological instincts usually kick in around your age and it's only natural that you'd feel the urge to 'sow those wild oats,' so to speak -"

Unfamiliar with the term, Sonic was now confused on top of everything else. "But I don't even like oatmeal!"

"It's a euphemism, you simpleton!" Eggman yelled, shaking his fist. "I'm talking about intercourse, Sonic, intercourse!"

If ever there was a sentence that had no business being uttered into existence, it would be that last one. Sonic wasn't a particularly spiritual person, but the mortification he was feeling at that moment made his soul want to float right up to a better place. Any place, actually.

He could have been mildly comforted by the fact that this discussion wasn't any easier for Eggman than it was for him, but the good doctor's earlier embarrassment had apparently disappeared now that he had the chance to engage in one of his favorite pastimes: rambling on at length about things he felt he held superior knowledge about.

"Anyway," said Eggman. "I'm not going to float here and moralize at you; you are your own hedgehog, after all. But the important thing to keep in mind here is this: protection!"

As Eggman droned on, Sonic's mind tried to protect itself from the trauma by supplying images of things that made him happy: His comfy hammock. Piping hot chili dogs. Catching a killer sunset after a run. The disassociation only worked for a few seconds, though, because he inevitably pictured his friends, and one of those friends just happened to be part of the subject at hand.

As they usually did when he felt trapped, Sonic's legs began to itch in a need-to-move kind of way. Maybe he should just make a run for it. Sure, that might leave Bash 'N Burnbot to rampage around and maybe even destroy his shack, but that honestly seemed like a small price to pay in exchange for escaping this nightmare.

"Oh, and another thing," said Eggman, breaking into his desperate thoughts. "Orbot and Cubot brought up an important issue about consent that I'd be remiss not to - "

"You...You discussed this with your robot lackeys?" Sonic was not proud of how weak his voice sounded.

Eggman looked affronted. "Hey! They may be a little dim, but they're great listeners! Especially when their servomotors have been disabled. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, consent. That being express permission from your partner -"

"I know what consent is!" Sonic interrupted, incredulous. "You seriously think I would take advantage of someone like that?"

Eggman's dark glasses rounded in surprise. "Actually, based on what you said in your sleep, I was leaning more the other way around! Consent issues don't only affect females, you know!"

Sonic was taken aback, as this was a matter he hadn't ever given much thought to. "Uh," he said eloquently. "I don't -"

"There's no shame in it," Eggman cut in breezily.

"I-I know that," Sonic muttered, "But that's not really -"

"In fact, Sonic, you may be more at risk! That cocksure attitude and bravado might delude you into thinking a non-consensual encounter could never happen to you!"

By now Sonic had noted that continuous interruptions were only amusing when he did it to Eggman, not the other way around. His hands balled into fists at his sides as he tried for patience. "Look," he said from between gritted teeth, "I guess I somewhat appreciate...whatever this is. But -"

"Or even cause you to fail to recognize one!" Eggman continued, as if the hedgehog hadn't spoken. He absently tapped a finger to his cheek, thinking. "Hmm. Perhaps a review of good touches and bad touches might be in order -"

Sensing more distress, Sonic began to zone out again, but this time there was no relief. He could only envision Eggman using a teacher's stick to point out (and explain in cringing detail) the private areas of an anatomically correct model. At this point, he wouldn't even be surprised if it was a hedgehog model, and something the evil weirdo genius kept handy.

How? His inner thoughts wailed. How did this afternoon go so horribly wrong?

Still, part of Sonic railed against his despair. It was the part that allowed him to stand tall before horrendous odds, the part that made him such an indomitable hero, and it gravely said, No. No more.

It was time to draw the line in the sand.

"Enough!" Sonic shouted, though he was so overcome with sheer exasperation that it came out more like, "nnnNNGRAH!"

As unintelligible as it was, his outburst somehow managed to startle Eggman into blessed silence, and Sonic pounced on the opportunity.

"So I didn't know about the stupid oats expression, but I'm not dense! I know all about bad touches!" He blinked. "Okay, that didn't come out the way I wanted it to! But I got it, alright?! And you can just quit it with the after-school special talk, Doc! Like I've been trying to tell you, it doesn't apply because I'm not 'having relations of a certain sort'!" Sonic completed the phrase with the finger-quotation marks it deserved.

Eggman had the gall to look a little deflated. "But...it sure sounded that way!"

"Well, I'm not! I've never even -" Sonic stopped himself, having realized that admitting to his inexperience in this area was probably not the best thing for his own ego. "Uh, I mean, I'm not CURRENTLY but that doesn't mean I haven't EVER, heh, you know, because of course I have. I'm just saying that it's not happening right now. With Amy."

Just mentioning Amy's name in that context made the insides of his stomach flip around, and caused his cheeks to warm up all over again.

Eggman leaned over the controls of his Eggmobile, pointing an accusatory finger. "Oh yeah? Then what's with that incriminating blush!"

Mercifully, a sudden shout of "Sonic!" from Tails spared Sonic the need to answer.

Sonic and Eggman both turned to see the young fox approaching from the direction of the village, along with Amy, Knuckles, and Sticks. Catching sight of Eggman, they tensed and dropped into ready stances.

"We waited for you over at Meh Burger, but you never showed up!" Amy was saying, sounding torn between annoyance and worry.

"Yeah, and now we can see why!" said Tails. As one, he and the others began to rush over to where the blue hedgehog seemed locked in a face-off with Eggman.

Before they had taken more than a few steps, Sonic thrust his hands outward and yelped, "Wait!"

His friends stopped their advance, though the confusion was plain on their faces.

Sonic flailed mentally for a few seconds, before going with, "I just, uh, want to handle this on my own! Yeah!" Sliding into a more confident groove, he grinned and pointed at himself with his thumb. "I've got this!"

Knuckles sounded confused. "Got what? From here it looks like you two are exchanging recipes!"

"Knuckles," Amy began in an all-knowing manner, "Eggman is hovering there with a swarm of his bot minions, and Sonic's face is clearly red from exertion!"

Knuckles tilted his head. "Maybe they're exchanging...intense recipes?"

Sonic facepalmed, partly out of habit, but mostly to hide the blush that was apparently visible from space. "Just - Just give me a minute, okay?" he shouted back.

Turning back to Eggman, Sonic spread his hands in an appeasing gesture, his ears drooped down almost flat against his head. He honestly couldn't help the pleading expression. "If I just explain, will you pleeeeease shut up about this? Forever?"

Eggman paused, then raised his chin and looked at Sonic sidelong. "Go on, then."

Sonic took one last furtive look towards his waiting friends, then leaned in and began in a hushed and hurried voice: "Okay, look. The dream I was having...I don't remember all of it, but it's not like what you're thinking." He hesitated, but then plowed on. "I have these...other dreams sometimes. Where all of my friends are mostly the same, but with these weird differences. Like, Knuckles isn't a muscle-bound dork, and he can fly!"

He then frowned. "Sticks isn't around though. And Tails...well, Tails is pretty much the same. But Amy is this totally annoying, clingy fangirl who's always chasing me! Which is really disturbing, considering the real Amy's independence is one of the things I like - " He caught himself and frantically added, "- O-Or don't like! - about her.

"Anyway, sometimes this...dream Amy tackles me or hangs all over me and that's probably why I said I wasn't in the mood. So...er...yeah."

Having put all of this out there, and having been roped into this stupid conversation in the first place, Sonic now felt thoroughly awkward and it showed for once. He ran a nervous hand through his quills and stubornly kept his eyes on the sand at his feet. Eggman's silence wasn't helping any.

Maybe the explanation wasn't as mortifying as it would've been had he and Amy actually been doing intimate stuff, but those strange dreams were quite personal to Sonic. They usually left him feeling oddly content. It was comforting, somehow, to know that even though they weren't the exact same friends he was used to, they were all still together and having crazy adventures.

"Interesting," Eggman finally said, in that overly-sinister way of his. Sonic glanced up to find the man stroking his mustache and peering thoughtfully into the distance.

"Ah, this Knuckles from your dream," said Eggman. "He wouldn't happen to live elsewhere, would he? And have something to do with a giant green rock?"

Sonic blinked. He was grateful that Eggman chose that to fixate on, instead of ribbing him more about Amy or for having silly dreams like some little kid. He shrugged. "Dunno, haven't seen anything like that yet. Why?"

"Ah, no matter, no matter!" blustered Eggman. "Just trying to appear interested! As if I actually cared about your ridiculous little dreams, hedgehog!"

Sonic bristled and jabbed a finger at the villain. "Hey, you're the one who brought all this up in the first place, Eggface -"

He was interrupted by Tails calling out again, sounding worried. "Sonic! Are you sure everything's okay over there?"

"Uh, yeah, buddy, just fine!" Sonic babbled loudly. "I'm handling it! Look at me, handling this!" Having been abruptly reminded that his friends were still there, nearly within earshot of this whole embarrassing mess, Sonic realized he really had to wrap this up.

"Anyway, there!" He snapped at Eggman. "Not that it was any of your business in the first place, but I'm not doing the oats thing, and no one's taking advantage of me. Happy now?" He folded his arms and did his best to scowl, but his face still felt like a burning tomato and he knew it looked like one as well.

"There is, however, just one more thing I want to know, hedgehog."

Sonic was pretty sure Eggman had already exhausted all possible ways to embarrass him by now. What was one more question?

He sighed. "Shoot."

Eggman leaned closer. "So, dream Amy was all over you and you said you weren't in the mood. Naturally, that implies there are some occassions when you ARE in the mood. Is this Sonamy confirmed?"

It was the hint of hopeful excitement hanging at the end of Eggman's words that finally did it.

Sonic's eyes narrowed just seconds before he jumped in the air and spun, readying for a homing attack aimed right at Eggman.

"N-Now, Sonic, no need to get touchy!" The villain bumbled nervously. As he got his round hovercraft in gear for a hasty retreat, he could be heard mumbling, "Geez, can't even...just a little advice between bros...'brovice'...ooh, I'll have to remember that one..." Preoccupied with his own genius, Eggman finally took his leave, with Bash N' Burnbot and the flying robot horde following quickly after.

Sonic felt intensely relieved to watch the man go, but couldn't allow himself to relax just yet. Before his friends could reach him and start asking questions, he sped over to them and then past them, saying quickly as he went: "Well that was fun, but man, I'm starved! Meet you guys back at Meh Burger? Okay great, see ya!" He made sure to really put on the speed so that he'd get there in just a few seconds, leaving plenty of time to compose himself.

As Sonic's slipstream faded, his friends regained their balance and smoothed down wayward quills, fur and clothing.

"Seriously?" Amy asked flatly, fists on her hips. "And after we came all the way back, too!"

The others grumbled a few mild complaints as well, which soon tapered off. Hanging around Sonic meant they had all long grown used to being left behind in his wake. The four of them began the trek back to meet up with the blue speedster.

And so, the 'Unnecessary Embarrassment To Forget As Soon As Possible' file gained another (long and especially disturbing) entry that day, and Sonic would never look at oatmeal the same way again.