Why can't everything be simple?
Diane sat on her bed, holding her legs curled close to her chest, her chin resting on top of them, and tears slowly running down her cheeks. She could hear them outside. Arguing over her. Arguing over who was best for her, who deserved to love her. She sat and listened, not wanting to, but there was no escape from the noise and shouting. Another tear silently rolled down her cheek.
She felt like a child again. The little girl who used to sit on her bed, her legs curled up under her chin, her fingers in her ears, trying to block out all the shouting and arguing from downstairs. But it never worked. She could never quite block it all out. She remembered how she used to sit on her bed, on her pink duvet and wish for them to stop yelling at each other. Wishing that she was like other families, where the mum and dad loved each other, instead of screaming abuse at each other day after day, night after night. She longed so much for the two people who she loved most in the world, to love each other. To be happy. She wanted the rowing and arguing to stop so much.
Until it did.
And then she wanted so much that she could hear it again, because she knew that if she could just hear them arguing downstairs once more, she would know that it wouldn't have actually happened. That her mum would still be alive. That she wouldn't have to see her lying on the floor, the broken vase in pieces next to her. The blood across her body. The cuts across her face. Things that a child shouldn't have to see. Things that have haunted her ever since.
Diane got up, wiping a tear from her face and looked out of the window, down onto the street below to see Alex and Ric still standing shouting at each other. Ever since that fateful day when she was nine years old, she had hated seeing people arguing. Because she knew what it could lead to. She knew more than anyone the effects and consequences that it can have when things go too far. And once it's gone too far there's no going back. You can never change anything. Things can never be the same again, how they were. She didn't want to see Ric and Alex fight. She didn't want either of them get hurt. She loved them both. She just wanted it all to stop. For everyone to be happy. Safe.
That was one of the main reasons that she had wanted to be a doctor. To make people better. Make them safe. She wanted to help people. She had wanted to help her mother. But she couldn't. She didn't know how, and she had felt guilty ever since. Guilty that she couldn't do anything to save her. And now it was happening again with Ric and Alex, right in front of her, and she didn't know how to stop them. Couldn't they see that they were both making her so unhappy? Couldn't they see that this wasn't what she wanted? She didn't want them arguing over her. She wasn't ready for either of them. She would have rather just had them both as friends. Everyone happy. Everything simple.
But this wasn't the case. 'Why did things have to be so complicated?' she thought, 'why can't everyone just get on?'. She felt guilty that all of this tension was because of her. She had never asked for it. Never. Yet it just seemed to follow her around. She wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone. Why couldn't they just understand that? If they both loved her in the way that they said they did, then they would see that she didn't want to go out with either of hem. Not now. She wasn't ready. Why couldn't they just let her be alone?
If they weren't going to end it, then maybe she should, Diane thought to herself. Maybe she should just end it all right now. Right here. It would solve things, she thought. Neither of them would be able to have her, if she wasn't here. They wouldn't be able to fight over her anymore. Or even if they did, she wouldn't know about it. Wouldn't be able to hear it. See the looks they give each other every day, because she wouldn't be here. She would be with her mother once again. Simple. Everything would be over. Everything simple. No more fighting or arguing. Everything simple.
Diane sat on her bed, holding her legs curled close to her chest, her chin resting on top of them, and tears slowly running down her cheeks. She could hear them outside. Arguing over her. Arguing over who was best for her, who deserved to love her. She sat and listened, not wanting to, but there was no escape from the noise and shouting. Another tear silently rolled down her cheek.
She felt like a child again. The little girl who used to sit on her bed, her legs curled up under her chin, her fingers in her ears, trying to block out all the shouting and arguing from downstairs. But it never worked. She could never quite block it all out. She remembered how she used to sit on her bed, on her pink duvet and wish for them to stop yelling at each other. Wishing that she was like other families, where the mum and dad loved each other, instead of screaming abuse at each other day after day, night after night. She longed so much for the two people who she loved most in the world, to love each other. To be happy. She wanted the rowing and arguing to stop so much.
Until it did.
And then she wanted so much that she could hear it again, because she knew that if she could just hear them arguing downstairs once more, she would know that it wouldn't have actually happened. That her mum would still be alive. That she wouldn't have to see her lying on the floor, the broken vase in pieces next to her. The blood across her body. The cuts across her face. Things that a child shouldn't have to see. Things that have haunted her ever since.
Diane got up, wiping a tear from her face and looked out of the window, down onto the street below to see Alex and Ric still standing shouting at each other. Ever since that fateful day when she was nine years old, she had hated seeing people arguing. Because she knew what it could lead to. She knew more than anyone the effects and consequences that it can have when things go too far. And once it's gone too far there's no going back. You can never change anything. Things can never be the same again, how they were. She didn't want to see Ric and Alex fight. She didn't want either of them get hurt. She loved them both. She just wanted it all to stop. For everyone to be happy. Safe.
That was one of the main reasons that she had wanted to be a doctor. To make people better. Make them safe. She wanted to help people. She had wanted to help her mother. But she couldn't. She didn't know how, and she had felt guilty ever since. Guilty that she couldn't do anything to save her. And now it was happening again with Ric and Alex, right in front of her, and she didn't know how to stop them. Couldn't they see that they were both making her so unhappy? Couldn't they see that this wasn't what she wanted? She didn't want them arguing over her. She wasn't ready for either of them. She would have rather just had them both as friends. Everyone happy. Everything simple.
But this wasn't the case. 'Why did things have to be so complicated?' she thought, 'why can't everyone just get on?'. She felt guilty that all of this tension was because of her. She had never asked for it. Never. Yet it just seemed to follow her around. She wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone. Why couldn't they just understand that? If they both loved her in the way that they said they did, then they would see that she didn't want to go out with either of hem. Not now. She wasn't ready. Why couldn't they just let her be alone?
If they weren't going to end it, then maybe she should, Diane thought to herself. Maybe she should just end it all right now. Right here. It would solve things, she thought. Neither of them would be able to have her, if she wasn't here. They wouldn't be able to fight over her anymore. Or even if they did, she wouldn't know about it. Wouldn't be able to hear it. See the looks they give each other every day, because she wouldn't be here. She would be with her mother once again. Simple. Everything would be over. Everything simple. No more fighting or arguing. Everything simple.