Dialogues

"I was just wondering, Jamesie dearest, why there's honey on my pillow."

"Honey? Now, why would there be honey on your pillow?"

"See, James, that's the thing—I don't know. I was hoping you could help me understand better?"

"How?"

"Well, you could just explain to me what I did this time that prompted you to pour honey on my pillow."

"Me? Now, why would I pour honey on your pillow?"

"See, James, that's the thing—I don't know. I was hoping you could help me understand better?"

"Well… what would help you understand better?"

"Not what you're thinking, I'm sure."

"Oh, but Lily—I think that would help a great deal."

"Yes, I'm quite sure you do. I'm also quite sure that you're a teenaged boy—"

"Man."

"—boy—with rampaging hormones. Therefore, I somewhat disagree with your thinking that sex and kisses will help me to better understand this problem."

"I said nothing about sex!"

"You thought it."

"Well, yes, but that's beside the point, Lils. Anyway, don't you just instantly forgive me? Judging by this face?"

"Frankly, sweetie, that face makes me want to puke. So do those puppy-dog eyes. You do them horribly."

"Could you do better?"

"Yes, actually."

"Demonstrate, please…oh, those are good."

"Thank you."

"Welcome."

"Yes, now—I believe we were discussing the honey on my pillow?"

"Actually, we were discussing how to resolve the issue."

"Ah yes. Have you any ideas? Other than sex and snogging, if you please."

"Dammit, I'm clean out, if you count out those."

"Are you sure?"

"You are good at puppy-dog eyes, Lils."

"Jamesie darling, do you have any ideas, or will I just have to go to bed now?"

"I thought there was honey on your pillow."

"Yes, but I can always switch it with yours."

"Dammit, you're right. Hm… maybe we could share a bed tonight?"

"Mm, I believe I said other than sex and snogging, Jamesie."

"Oh, right. Sorry."

"All's forgiven."

"You philanthropist, you."

"I try."

"Mm, so am I coming up with ideas now?"

"Ideally."

"All right, let's see then…"

"Taking your precious time, aren't you?"

"It takes a lot for my brain to get off sex and snogging."

"Yes, dear, I noticed."

"Ahm. Well, I can't seem to think of anything else, darling Lils."

"I wonder why that is?"

"Well, your robes are unbuttoned a couple more buttons than usual…"

"I have a shirt on, dimwit!"

"Yes, but I was thinking, what if you didn't have tha—OUCH! Lily! Don't slap me!"

"Well, you deserved it."

"Oh, aren't you Little Miss Prim?"

"I told you, sweetie, I try."

"Yes, well, since I can't get my mind off sex and snogging, what ought we do?"

"Well, I suppose I'll just have to go to bed. Without you. And without a honied-up pillow. Because that will be on your bed."

"Oh, Lils, you're too smart for me."

"Don't I know it."

"But we have to resolve the issue! You can't just go to bed… without me."

"Fine, then, one itsy bitsy kiss. And then I go to bed, without you, and without your honied-up pillow."

"Deal, Miss Prim."

"On second thought… mmph, Jaaamph…"

"Moony, is that what you'd call one itsy bitsy kiss?"

"No, Padfoot, it is not."

"Because itsy bitsy kisses don't involve tongues, do they?"

"Nor do they involve groping, especially on the part of our dear Mr. Prongs."

"Although fair Lils isn't doing so badly, either…"

"Well, aren't you sorry you aren't her soulmate now?"

"Are her and James soulmates?"

"Bedmates, at least."

"Remus! Shut up!"

"Yes, Prongs…Anyway, Padfoot, which one of us'll be the best man?"

"What about Peter?"

"Oh, we're much more buff."

"Don't we know it."

"Yes, we do."

"Well, you've my permission to be best man."

"No, no, my dear Padfoot—it must be you."

"I admit, I have known him longer…"

"Yes, quite. So it's agreed?"

"Yes, Moony—Oi, James! Don't get to carried away! There are innocent minds and eyes to protect!"

"Like yours, Padfoot?"

"No, yours, Moony."

"Deep stab."

"Quite."

"Lily—that isn't innocent-maiden behavior!"

"Yes, well, I'm not an innocent maiden, am I?"

"Ooooooh, so James did get lucky?"

"Moony! Padfoot!"

"Yes, Prongs?"

"Go away!"

"But Lily likes us here…"

"I do not!"

"Oh, dammit, that was my last hope…ah well."

"Yes, now, Padfoot, let's go—they can't properly screw each other with us here."

"MOONY!"

"Yes, Lily? Prongs?"

"Take Padfoot and go to bed."

"But I'm not—I mean, we're not—at least, I'm not—"

"Thanks a lot, Moony."

"Pleasure's all mine, Paddy."

"Oi, not that!"

"Well, you had to expect it."

"Dammit, Moony."

"Padfoot?"

"Yes, Lilsie?"

"Moony?"

"Yes, Jamesie's schnookums?"

"Go. To. Bed."

"Yes, Lily…"

"Thank God they're gone."

"No, we aren't!"

"But you will be, right?"

"Oh, Moony, I think she's threatening us."

"Hm, I do too. Maybe we should go to bed, then."

"Maybe."

"Yeah."

"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."

"GO TO BED!"

"Dammit. They heard us."

"Well, you were awfully loud."

"Me? Sirius Black? Loud? You're mistaken, Moony."

"I doubt it."

"I don't. It's true."

"Is not."

"Is so."

"Is not."

"Is so."

"Is not!"

"Is so!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Y—"

"SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO TO YOUR GODDAMN ROOMS!"

"Fine, Jamesie."

"And Lilsie."

"And Lilsie."

"Yes, fine Jamesie."

"And Lilsie."

"Yes, and Lilsie."

"What's going on in here?"

"Oh, hi, Professor…"