"All right, I'm back, and this time… wait… where did everybody go?"

I'm not much of a Skyrim player, but I felt inspired to write this after watching my brother play more of the game.

Disclaimer: I don't own Skyrim or the Elder Scrolls in any way.

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Terms of Service

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Lydia stared at the extensive stack of paper her new Thane had handed to her mere seconds after she had introduced herself. The Dragonborn merely nodded to the yellowed pages and handed the young woman a quill with some ink.

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The following terms of service/statements applies to all Dragonborn companions, regardless of gender, race, religious/political ideals and/or origin (yes, I know you may have grown up in these parts, and no, I don't care). The Dragonborn may also choose to ignore/change/disregard any of these terms whenever he/she chooses to do so. Any conflicting opinions from the companions will be completely ignored.

…

1: I lack any sort of personality and shouldn't make an effort to get one.

1.5: However, if I do have one, I'll lose it shortly after joining the party, and won't try to stand out of the crowd in any way.

2: Killing the Thalmor on sight is mandatory, no matter which side I support in the civil war.

2.5: This doesn't apply inside cities.

3: I won't be revived or helped in any way after/during combat if I demanded money for my services before enlisting to the party. I have the money to buy health potions after all.

4: Flattery will get me far; sarcasm will get me looking for new employment.

5: I must wear whatever the Dragonborn asks me to put on, no matter how revealing or skimpy it may look on me. The Dragonborn will make hands-on inspections to ensure that the clothes fit perfectly.

5.5: As a female party member, I'm required to wear Forsworn armor whenever we find one. It looks good on me, and is the perfect disguise in the westernmost parts of Skyrim.

6: I am sworn to carry whatever loot the Dragonborn asks me to carry, no matter how heavy and/or worthless it may seem. That goes double for the housecarls.

7: I am expected to fight and (if necessary) die for the Dragonborn in combat, no matter if I fight a skeever or a dragon.

7.5: This applies to hold guards as well, even if they happen to come from my hometown.

7.5.5: This applies to any member of any faction.

8: The Dragonborn isn't brain damaged, but pointing out the surrounding is always helpful, and finding quicker paths up to mountaintops is always appreciated for future adventures in the area.

9: The Dragonborn may seem to forget my existence for hours, but I am expected to compliment him/her whenever I'm addressed, even if we're just going to trade gear.

10: I'm expected to mention the Dragonborn in my last will. I probably died because I stepped in front of his/her attack anyway, hence causing damage to weapons and/or wasting mana that could have been used to set things on fire.

11: I will not interfere with anything the Dragonborn may decide to do, even if it's "against the law". In fact, I'm supposed to help at the best of my abilities in such events (I would not want to end up in a dark torture chamber outside Dawnstar after all).

12: I know that the Dragonborn always have a plan, no matter how spontaneous/clueless our travels may seem.

13: Killing animals is a legitimate pastime, goats in particular.

…

Lydia looked up from the first page with a pale face. Questions tore into her poor head like a raging blizzard. What in Sovngarde's name is this? Who is this new Thane? She felt dizzy when she realized that this was just the first page. She hesitantly turned to the next page… there were much more to come.

…

Not much, but I was in the mood to do something spontaneous (like most Skyrim players I suppose).

Feel free to leave your thoughts and opinions (constructive of course, but that goes without saying).

Cheers and Merry Christmas from Jack Hargreave.