Chapter 1
"You. My lord. I bow to thee. How may I and our zombie army assist you?"
Harry, with a lecherous wink, said "Oh, I think you know."
Harry Potter sat up in bed, sweating. This was the creepiest dream he had ever had, and he'd seen Voldemort sitting on the toilet. There was only one person he could go to with his dream- Dumbledore. He quickly scrambled together some parchment and his quill.
My DEAR Albus,
Please forgive me for the information you are about to read, but you are the only one I trust to talk about my inner sexuality with. I've had some disturbing dreams involving zombies lately, and would like to know what information you could provide me with so that I can better understand the sexual feelings arising from my zombie dreams. Do you think the Gringotts goblins can help?
With much affection, hugs, and kisses,
yours truly,
Harry Potter xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
P.S. I simply am counting down the days until I see your lovely beard once more. I love staring at it. It reminds me of good times past.
However, when you really think about it, your beard could use some work. Maybe some Neutrogena on the roots and Head & Shoulders (because with hair as long as yours, it goes everywhere) on the follicles, and then a heavy dosing of bleach on the locks. And speaking of your hygiene, your foot-warts could use a little sanding down. I recommend Deodlt's Finest Ripping Sand (from the fresh shores of the Dead Sea, no less!) for those toes. Aaayyyyy mis bocas.
I recommend Maybeline lip scratcher
any way i must go now bye bye mi senor favorita
P.P.S.
I hope you've noticed- I'm taking a Spanish class at Pigfarts.
Harryput the quill down and strapped it to Hedwig's pressure point mistakenly taking it for a lump on which to hang letters on. She screeched in agony. Tired of her screeches, Harry threw her out the window.
"And don't ever come back; have your mate give me the letter from Elvis- oh I mean Albus." Harry said exitedly/angrily/emotionally/angstily/possibly happily?
Hedwig nodded, used to this type of abuse. After all, the Dursleys had abused Harry all the time. Why shouldn't he abuse his children? It was only fair.