Title: Second Chances (or lack thereof)
Author: Lily
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Hell's Bells
Distribution: Ask and ye shall receive
Disclaimer: not mine
Feedback: yes please

Takes place maybe a week or two after "Hell's Bells." Xander POV.
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We're sitting in Buffy's living room, watching some movie on TV, but I haven't really looked at the screen once. I don't even know what we're watching.

What I do know is that this whole evening is just another way not to have to talk about the wedding . In a way, all movie-watching is just a reason not to have to talk about something. I think. I look around and see that, even with my friends around me, I'm alone. Not metaphorically, even though I guess that's true too. What I mean is that Dawn is resting on Buffy's shoulder at one end of the couch, and that Willow and Tara, newly on speaking terms, are both sitting on the floor in that very tentative, almost-touching, not-a-couple-YET way. And me? I'm sitting by myself at the opposite end of the couch from the Summers girls. Alone. Not head-resty, or semi-leaning. Just alone.

Because I'm not looking at the television, I see the slight movement out of the corner of my eye. It's Willow. She and Tara are now holding hands and being smiley.

I love Willow. I really do. But right now I feel anger swell up from my stomach and I want to vomit. I clench my fists to keep from punching my best friend in the face. I don't want to sound like a baby, but it's just not fair.

It's never been fair, and it's always the same with us. I once told Giles that I had been confused about the whole "measure twice, cut once" thing, but it's a good thing I finally figured it out. I suppose it doesn't matter for people like Willow. On the rare occasion that she isn't able to find someone else to do the cutting, she can find innumerable pieces of wood. She just cuts and cuts and when she realizes that it's never going to work she takes a break, and then she grabs something else to start from scratch on. Nobody cares. It's not like she's on a deadline.

Gotta catch myself before I get over my head in the carpentry metaphor.

But take right now. It's a perfect example. Willow screwed up bad--really really bad--and Tara left. Yet Willow only had to be sad for a few weeks, and then she got her second chance. Another chance to see if it will work out. On the other hand, I decided I wasn't ready to get married (I did not, however, decide that because I was addicted to black magic, like a certain somebody who shall remain unnamed), and that's it. End of story.

The same story as always. The story where there's never been a sequel and there never can be. I don't get sequels. I don't get second chances. And that's just not fair.

I suddenly remember senior year of high school. Willow and I both screwed up that time. It was mutual screwing-up of multiple lives. But what happens? Willow gets her second chance, a romantic reunion after minimal grief time. In fact, I think Willow always knew, somewhere in her mind, that she'd get that chance--why shouldn't she? I didn't expect a second chance. No matter what I said or did, Cordy and I were over. That was the end of that.

I used to think it was because something in Willow made people love her more than they loved me. I don't think that's true though. Sure, Oz definitely loved her, and I think Tara really does now, but I also know that Anya loves (loved?) me. It's possible that there's something in her that makes them forgive her, but I doubt it's that too.

Really, I think the difference is that Willow isn't real. Okay, in Sunnydale that could easily be misconstrued. What I mean is that...Willow isn't like a grown-up yet. I don't know if that makes sense, but she's like a child. She can make a mistake without real consequences. With me, it's too real. I have to think before I act, because my actions make a difference in my life.

And it's not fair.

I wouldn't begrudge Will her second chances--I just want my own.