Title: but the voices call out
Author: siriuslynow
Warning(s): N/A
Pairing(s): N/A
Authors Notes: This little bit of introspective probably takes place right as Dick has started to settle into Bludhaven, perhaps right in the early days of Officer Grayson. I'm not entirely sure if these fics come together as coherently as I'd like them to, but hopefully that just comes with time. Indirectly!requested by cocopops1995. (Cross-posted to AO3).
Comparing himself to Bruce has sort of become a habit.
It was never meant to be, and Dick is honest enough with himself to realize it's become a bit of a hindrance. It's nigh on impossible to be raised the way he has without a couple of complexes though, so Dick doesn't dwell on the issue and half the time he isn't even aware he's doing it. At least, not until insecurities and self-doubts begin to fester and boil over, rearing dark and ugly heads that speak in uncomfortably familiar tones of you can do better, Dick, he would do better. It is hard, after all, growing up on the other side of "and" without it becoming his defining feature in life, leaving whatever is left of his own identity to stew in its own resentment. But he's moved passed that. Swallowed the bitterness that came with his departure from Robin (his mother's name, his name, how could you Bruce), and carved out his own path (Nightwing), his own legacy (Tim), his own family (Titans). He's done more than the pixie-boot clad Boy Orphan could ever have dreamed of, and lost more than that same boy had vowed to ever let happen again. But for every betrayal, every heartache, every death and tragedy that he's weathered, there's been love and victory and triumph. There's been the heartfelt laugher and cries of relief of another life saved, another family kept together, another person kept from the brink of destruction. And maybe that's why he's never learned to stop trusting in others, to stop confiding, to stop letting people into his life.
Because when it comes down to it, despite the multitudes of shortcomings that he knows he'll never live up to, Dick's learned to move on from his own tragic beginnings, and Bruce - well, Bruce is still that little boy who would give anything for another chance to save his parents.
So yeah, comparing himself to Bruce has sort of become a habit, and he knows how irrational that process has become. Dick is everything Bruce wishes he could be in all the ways that matters. If Bruce shields himself with anger and guilt and grief, Dick let's those emotions flow and rushes head first into the fray, refusing to stop even a minute for fear of having to hear himself think. Dick doesn't allow the enclosing darkness that grows around him to keep him from pushing forward, from trying. Can't allow it. Because Dick is not entirely sure what he would do if he gave in to it the way Bruce has. Isn't sure he's strong enough to withstand it the way the Batman can. Isn't entirely sure Bruce himself would be able to withstand it, because for every awkwardly mended piece of their relationship that only serves as a testament to all the ways they no longer fit, there is an unspoken understanding, a bond, a dependency that conveys just how much Bruce needs Dick to break up those heavy, suffocating silences he cloaks himself in. So if Dick is a touch too aggressive when they argue, if he laughs a bit too loudly and grins a bit too widely, it's because Dick needs to prove to Bruce (to himself), that there is life somewhere in those cold dark caves.