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Italics - First person (just the persons thoughts/memories)
Normal - Third person
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Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club or any of it's characters.
Five Years
I knew you looked at her constantly. It was nice to see you smile. Not just the smiles after a good joke or when we were thinking up a plan. You really smiled when you looked at her. It was happy, calm... natural. Not forced. I still wonder if I have ever been the reason you looked like that. Probably not I guess. But I worried because she was the one that made you happy.
Was I the only one who noticed that her irritated looks had become softer? Our Lords antics now producing a smile rather than a frown.
For all your watching, you did not know her heart was already taken. I wanted you to open your eyes and see. I wished you would give up, but I wasn't able to bear it when you finally realised how hopeless your efforts were. The heartborken look that flitted across your face before you tried to laugh it off, teasing our Lord , saying that you would win her back. But it wasn't just a joke, and your words were only half teasing.
As much as I loved the smile you had reserved for her, I couldn't help but cry for you. Is it really worth it? Can you stand back and watch, when you were always born to be out in front.
I guess that all this is funny coming from me. A person who can't follow there own words of wisdom. Maybe it's because I know how much the watching hurts. For me though, it fits. My personality has always been that of someone on the sidelines.
I have no doubt that had we not been twins, I would be different. Even saying that, I would never change a single thing. I loved to watch you shine, only too happy to move out of your way. And the closeness we once shared, I would never trade it in for anything in the world, even if I could forget the pain.
I still remember the day you found out. That you didn't hold the place you wanted in her heart. There was the act you played for all the others. The one you tried to play for me. You should have known better. You will never be able to fool me.
How was I to know you would get so angry at being confronted? Did you really expect me to play along.
I remember the feel of your lips, your hands tugging at my clothes. You asked me over and over to make it stop. To make the pain go away.
I never stopped you as you freed me of my clothing. I let you release your anger, frustration and complete sadness upon my body. You were brutal, not even slowing at my pained screams. I gave you everything I had, asking for only your warmth in return.
You apologized over and over again the next morning. You cried as I held you, telling you it was okay, it would all be alright, I understood. But even with all your sorry's, you would come back. Whenever you were upset or pissed at the world, more often than not at her. I guess it was just how you released stress.
I knew you were using me. You knew. We both knew that what we were doing was utterly sick. Stupid thing was, neither of us bothered to stop it.
I was just so happy to be needed. So what if this didn't make us as close as we once were. What did it matter if I still had you?
I fell more and more in love with you. You... You grew to see me as an object. My feelings meant nothing. I was just a toy.
I found out later on that not only was I a toy to you... I was one of the many toys.
Walking in on you with someone else. In our bed. Our bed. You didn't stop, even though you noticed me. You even pretended not to see my tears as I left.
Even though you hurt me. Even though you broke my heart over and over, I still stayed. Stupidly I thought it was enough just to be near you.
I kept a smile on my face and acted as if I hadn't seen you with what felt like millions of other people. I didn't want to lose you. I couldn't lose you.
You never said sorry. Not once was there any guilt in your now cold eyes. I resented her. For breaking your heart and turning you into the man you had become. At the same time though, I knew it wasn't her fault. How could it be. She would be the first to tell anyone that her now husband was definitely not who she would have chosen to fall in love with. It just happened. You can't force the heart to do anything.
I hated it when you would say you loved me. I hated it because I knew it was a lie, but I would still let the hope rise in my chest. Sure I tried to push it down. But I would always give in to your empty words. I would let a true smile start to play on my lips - until I saw you with your latest that is.
I saw one of our sempai's from school. We hadn't met since graduation, though all of us members had promised to keep in touch. He asked why I stayed. I of course pretended not to know what he was talking of. I was suprised that I didn't expect him to know what was going on, I mean really. He knew anything and everything about those he cared about. I guess I was still under that catagory.
There are a few things about our conversation I remember. One of them being that you didn't deserve me. Funny. I always thought it was the other way round. He told me that if I ever grew a brain and left you, his servants wiould always let me in. I had to laugh at that.
Maybe it was that that gave me the courage to pack. Which helped me work through my tears. I'm glad I was just finishing when you arrived home.
Typical you though, you thought it was all a joke. Said I would be back begging within a few days. I secretly thought you were right.
I looked at you, still in love, just broken. I tried to remember every detail, knowing that if I had any chance of keeping my resolve, this would be the last time I would see you.
"I may need you to be alive, but I do not need you to live."
My statement seemed to confuse you, seeing as you were looking at me like I was crazy.
I stepped out the door whispering words I hoped you would never forget.
"I love you still..."
-.-
"Five years."
Kaoru turned around, to shocked and frightened to even gasp.
"You were gone for five years."
"I-I-I"
"I thought you would be back in a few days, a week at most, but five years. I looked everywhere for you. I sold our business just so I could look for you. Did you have Kyouya help you?" He blocked off the smaller mans attempts to leave.
"Why didn't you come back?" At this, Kaoru turned around angrily.
"How could you expect me to?!" He could barely look at the other man before he was pulled into a tight embrace.
"I love you."
"Don't! I won't fall for it again! I won't... not again." Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he tried to push the larger man away.
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry." Hikaru collapsed to the ground, a sobbing Kaoru still in his arms.
"You said you couldn't be alive without me, but could live without me. I never understood, but I do now." He lifted Kaoru's chin with shaking fingers.
"I can't live without you, really can't. It's not a matter of feeling alive, I can't even find the will to breath. The only thing that kept me going was the need... the need to see you again."
"I ca... can't get hurt again... I just can't." Kaoru tried to turn his head to the side, only to be pulled in even tighter.
"I know, I know."
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Woh, wierd ending aye? Oh well. Soo0oo... what do you think? Good/Bad Fantastic/Crap?
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