A/N- Hello all. This is my first fanfiction in years and is my first Torchwood fanfiction. It was born while working an overnight shift with nothing to do but watch my box set of Torchwood. Keep in mind that I am American, so I appoligize if my writing doesn't come out British enough or whatever. Also, I do not have spell check, and I have bad spelling on my own, so sorry for that as well.
Moving on, this fic takes place post-Cyberwoman (I know, the storyline has been done to death, but I really just wanted to throw my own out here) and has a bit of an alternate ending. The scene at the end does come from the deleted scenes of the episode, but I changed it a bit. It's a great scene that I really wish had been in the episode, but I tweeked it a bit for my own purposes.
*~*~*
Ianto had been sitting on the sofa in his small flat for nearly ten hours. No lights were on and the blinds shut out the light from outside. In one hand he held a now nearly empty bottle of Jack Daniel's and in the other he held a framed photo. Lisa's blood still covered him, now dried and flaking, but he would not wash it off. To him it was something of her he could still hold onto, and he did not want it gone.
It was 2 in the afternoon when there was finally a knock at his door. He wasn't surprised. He had been expecting it since he had left the hub in the early hous of the morning. He was only surprised it hadn't come earlier. "It's open," he said. His voice cracked only slightly. The door opened and Jack stood in the doorway. "Come in, then," Ianto said softly.
Jack walked in and stood at the foot of the sofa, his face a blank mask.
"Care for a drink?" Ianto held up the bottle invitingly. Still, Jack made no response. "More for me, then." Ianto tipped the bottle back and drank the last of it. "Bloody hell," he said in quiet annoyance and studied the bottle as if more would appear. An idea seemed to occur to him and he stood unsteadily then made his way to the kitchen. He fumbeled around for several moments he eventually pulled out a full bottle of Jack Daniel's triumphantly. He uncapped it and took a long swallow.
"So what's it to be then? Retcon? Or a bullet?" Ianto smirked slightly as he made his way back to the sofa, forgetting the bottle on the counter. For the amount of alcohol he had consumed and how drunk he obviously was he was speaking very clearly.
Jack still said nothing.
Ianto picked up the photograph and looked at it. Almost studied it. He seemed to get lost in it.
Finally Jack spoke. "You didn't show up for work this morning."
Ianto looked up and for a moment his eyes showed how truly lost he was. "Sorry," he finally offered. "Thought we'd be doing it here." He sat down slowly, clutching the photo to his chest. "Thought it'd be easier. Make it look like a suicide, or a break-in or something."
"Who said anything about killing you?"
"You did," Ianto said. His voice held no accusation, just a statement of a fact.
"I'm guessing we both said some things we didn't really mean.
"I suppose we did," Ianto said. Niether man offered an appology. Finally Ianto spoke again. "So retcon it is."
"No retcon either. You're not fit to work today, but I expect you in first thing tomorrow morning." Jack turned to leave
Ianto stood up quickly, swayed, and nearly fell. "What are you talking about?" he cried. "You can't do that!" Ianto crossed the room and grabbed Jack's arm. "You have to make me forget!" His legs buckled and Jack caught him before he hit the ground.
"Come on, Ianto. Sit down." Jack led the younger man to the sofa.
"You have to make me forget, Jack," Ianto grasped at the sleeve of the military coat as they sat down. His eyes were full of desperation. "I don't want to remember. Please! You can make me forget, just make me forget, alright?"
"I can't do that," Jack gently put his hand on Ianto's shoulder. "We need you."
Ianto let go of Jack's sleave and jerked away. "Need me?" he sounded more bitter than Jack had ever heard him. The calm, level headed tea-boy had never shown much of himself. Jack hadn't thought about it, but before last night, appart from the occasional glimpse of dry humour, the young man had never really shown any of his personality to his coworkers.
"You don't need me," Ianto continued. "Never have. You didn't even want me at Torchwood." He picked up the photo again. "Lisa needed me. She needed me to save her and I couldn't…" He looked desperatly at Jack, tears beginning to fall. "I couldn't even save the woman I loved. What bloody use am I?"
Ianti stood abruptly and went to the kitchen for the alcohol. He took a long drink, then let out a harsh half-sob, then took another drink.
"You've got it wrong," Jack came up behind Ianto. "You did save Lisa. You got her out of Torchwood One. You tried--" Ianto shook his head, but Jack grabbed him and forced him to turn around. "Ianto, listen to me, you tried to bring her back, but she was to far gone. There was nothing you caould have done. Nothing anyone could have done!"
"I promised her!" Ianto sobbed, eyes squeezed shut, trying to push Jack away. "I promised her I'd fix her! I promised--" He trailed off, crying to hard to speak anymore. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself as if that was the only thing he could do to keep himself together. And he cried. He cried for Lisa, and for himself.
Jack wrapped Ianto in a hug which was niether returned nor denied. They stayed like that for several minutes. Finally Ianto choaked out in a broken voice; "I've lost everything. There's nothing left."
Jack pulled away and gripped Ianto's shoulders. "That's not true. You have us. You don't have to be alone anymore."
Ianto met Jack's gaze, his eyes slightly unfucused. "I don't want to remember," he whispered brokenly.
"I know it does, and I'm not gonna give you some shit that I know you wont believe about time healing all wounds. It will always hurt. But I can promise you that it will get easier. And I know that you don't want to forget her." Jack shook Ianto's shoulders for emphisis.
"It hurts to remember," Ianto cried.
Jack looked at Ianto for a long moment. "What about the good times?" he asked. "Before she… changed. Remember when you met. Her laugh. Her smile. All the things that made you fall in love with her. Do you really want to forget all that?"
Ianto's face was tortured, the picture of pain. "No," he finally said. "I don't want to forget."
"I didn't think so," Jack said softly. "Alright. Let's get you cleaned up. You're still covered in blood."
"It's Lisa's," Ianto said, looking lost.
"Yeah. I know, Ianto. Lets get it off."
"But it's Lisa's," Ianto said, as iff that explained why he hadnt washed it off yet. Jack suppoed it did.
"I know, Ianto." Jack said gently. "I understand that you want to hold on. But you have to wash her blood off." He retrieved the photo from the sofa. He looked it for the first time. It was of Ianto and Lisa on a beach, next to a tent. They had their arms wrapped around each other and were smiling. They looked happy. They looked in love. He handed it to Ianto. "Hold on to the good stuff now."
Ianto took the picture and hugged it to his chest, tears still falling. He nodded.
*~*~*
Ianto woke from a nightmare in the early hours of the morning. He didn't remember going to bed. He remembered sitting on the sofa, and Jack waching Lisa's blood from his hands with a warm cloth. He thought that he must have passed out from a combination of alcohol and exhaustion. Yet he woke up in bed in boxers and a clean t-shirt with the blankets covering him. A glance to his bedside table revealed it was 4:30 in the morning. He saw that Jack had put the photo of him and Lisa on the table next to him.
Ianto sat up and took the picture. He gazed at it for several minutes. He wanted to cry, but throughout the corse of the night he had ran out of tears. Slowly, he put the picture back, then started getting ready for work. Showered and dressed by 5, he made his way into the kitchen. He spotted a piece of paper on the counter, and picked it up.
Ianto-
I expect you into work by 8.
Don't skip breakfast.
-Jack
Ianto looked at the note blankly. He read it several times before he understood. Putting the note down he looked around the kitchen, thinking about following Jack's instruction to eat, but the thought of food made his stomache turn. He piched up his keyes and headed out the door.
*~*~*
Ianto had been at the information center for hours before anyone else, such was the norm. He assumed Jack was already in the hub, he lived there after all. But Tosh was the first one to come in, at quarter to 8. She was carrying coffee, and she set one of the cups in front of him. "I got you a coffee," she said with a hesitent smile.
Ianto glanced quickly at the cup, but kept his attention on the computer in front of him. "Right." He tried to smile, but it was small and fake.
"No one ever gets you a coffee," she said, then started to turn and the fake smile fell off Ianto's face.
Tosh turned back around and seemed to grope for something to say. "Doing anything nice for the weekend?" she finally offered.
Ianto stood abruptly and pushed the button to open the door. "Go on through," he said, politley professional, and sat back down in front of the computer. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Tosh's face fall. She looked at him for a moment, then headed to the door. His gaze shifted to the cup of coffee in front of him. Tosh was right. This was the first time that someone had brough him coffee here.
He looked up, Tosh was almost through the door, but he felt a sudden wave of gratitude and an irrepresible urge to say something. "Tosh-" he said softly, almost hoping he wouldn't hear.
"Yeah, Ianto?" she surned around, her face hopeful.
Ianto looked, down, then back up at Tosh. "Thanks… for" he paused, "for the coffee." For caring, the undertone read, but Ianto couldn't bring himself to say it.
Tosh nodded and her smile was brighter as she headed down into the hub,
Ianto looked at the coffee and picked it studied it a moment, then took a drink. Sugar, with no cream. The way he liked it. And Tosh had known. He was supriesed by the tears that sprung to his eyes. He sniffed and turned back to the computer, but for the first time since Lisa had died, he felt like maybe, he wasn't alone after all.
The End
A/N- so how was it for my first fanfic in 4 years? Let me know. I'm sort of thinking of doing a follow-up, some of Ianto's healing process, tell me if you'd be interested.