(Author's Note: This is a rewrite of a story I wrote called "Happiness Damn Near Destroys You." But I decided that I wanted to delve a little deeper into the characters' feelings and experiences and write at least a couple of chapters. So I deleted that story and reposted it as this. If you read that one, some parts are almost exactly the same. But some parts are very different. Anyway, enjoy. And leave a review if you're so inclined. Warning: if you don't like reading sex scenes…well, this story might not be for you. Also, you've probably figured out where the title of the story comes from. *cough*B26*cough* The chapter titles are from lines in the song.)

Chapter One
(Gone for Now) Feels a Lot Like Gone for Good

I stood outside Ezra's apartment next to his car as he loaded his last bag into the trunk. Last night, he'd told me that my father had him fired from Hollis. His last class was supposed to be on Monday, but he'd made the decision this morning to cancel the last two classes (tomorrow and Monday) and just leave now. No sense putting off the inevitable. He was heading to his mom's in New York for a while to try to figure out his next move. I'd spent the night here last night, and this morning, he'd been almost eerily quiet as he packed a couple of bags to go and try to pick up the pieces of his broken life. The life I'd broken.

Okay, so it had been his choice too. He could have chosen to be a responsible adult and not start a relationship with one of his students. Then he'd still be teaching at Rosewood High. He could have taken that job in New Orleans and left. Then we'd be apart but at least he'd still have a job. Now he had nothing. And it was because of me. He'd told me that he didn't blame me, but I wasn't sure I believed it. Because how could he not?

"Aria," he said, bringing me out of my thoughts.

I realized he was standing right in front of me. How long had he been just standing there? Was I really that out of it? I'd never seen him look quite the way he did right now. He looked sad and pensive and...some other emotion that I couldn't name.

"So I guess this is it," I said, looking down and trying to keep back the tears that were threatening to break free.

"Hey," Ezra said softly, tilting my chin up so I would look at him again. "This isn't goodbye. Not forever."

He kissed me, as soft and sweet as a whisper. Memories of last night flooded my mind. I tried to push them back. I couldn't even start to process last night right now. I had to get through this first.

"I love you," he whispered.

A few of the tears I was fighting back crept their way out.

"I love you too," I said, my voice catching in a sob. "Ezra, I'm so sorry."

"I'm not. I'm not sorry for any of it. I don't regret a thing. I don't regret leaving Rosewood High. I don't regret standing up to your father. And I absolutely don't regret a second of the time I've had with you. If I could go back, I wouldn't change anything."

"Except maybe my dad getting you fired," I sniffled.

He chuckled. "I knew that was a possibility the second I suggested telling your parents about us."

"Then why did you?"

"Because I was tired of having to hide the way I feel about you."

"Look where it got us though. Now you're leaving anyway."

"I'll be back at some point," he said. "There's still an apartment full of stuff that guarantees that."

I tried to chuckle, but I sounded more like a wounded puppy. Ezra pulled me into his arms. God, the way he'd held me last night...No. I had to snap out of it. I could be tortured by those memories later.

...Or now. Damn it, the floodgates were about to open. I started crying a little more.

He pulled back to look at me, and he looked like he was about to start crying too. He wiped some of the tears off my cheeks and kissed me again.

"Listen, if I don't go now, I'll never leave," he said. "But I don't want this to be the last thing I remember. Can you try to smile? Please?"

I risked one small memory of last night, just sweet enough to make me smile, but not enough to torture me. What he'd said right before everything had happened. Basically the thing that had started it all. He'd just looked right into my eyes and said, "Do you have any idea how much I love you?" The look on his face as he'd said that had made me melt.

And it worked. I smiled through my tears.

Ezra walked me back into the empty parking spot next to his car and kissed me again. I felt every bit of his heartache and more love than I could even comprehend coming through in this connection.

"I love you," I told him. I had to say it one last time. He had to hear it.

He smiled. "I love you too. Now close your eyes and count to 50. You don't need to see this part."

I sniffled and took a deep breath, memorizing everything about his face. I didn't want to close my eyes, because I knew when I opened them again he'd be gone. But he was right. I didn't need to see him drive away. That would be the last memory and I had and it would torture me. So I obeyed.

He gave me one last soft kiss that made me go weak at the knees.

"Keep your eyes closed and start counting," he whispered.

I felt Ezra's hand on my face and his lips on my forehead. Then I started counting. I heard him backing out of the space and driving out of the lot, but I didn't open my eyes until I got to 50. And he was nowhere in sight. He was gone. Really gone.

I must have been a masochist. There was no other reason for me to go back upstairs and into his apartment. But that was what I did.

Well, yes, there was another reason for it. I needed to process what had happened last night. I needed to let myself remember every moment of it and get all the tears out now. I could tell my friends he was gone. I could even tell my mom that. But the fact that we'd had sex last night for the first time? That it was my first time, period? And that now he was gone and I didn't know if I'd ever see him again after we'd shared something so personal and intimate? That was private. I couldn't talk to anyone about that.

I walked in the door and just went and laid back down on the bed. It still smelled like him. And that did it. Everything came flooding back. Every sweet, tender, perfect moment. And the tears fell.

Ezra and I were lying on the bed, and we seemed to be incapable of separating our entwined lips, like each of us was the oxygen the other one needed to breathe. We'd gone on like this for probably the better part of an hour. For some reason, Ezra seemed more nervous to follow this through to its inevitable conclusion than I was. I wasn't sure why; this wasn't new territory for him. But suddenly he sat up, pulling me with him, and with his hands at the hem of my tank top, he stopped and looked me straight in the eyes.

"Are you sure?" he asked, seeming to search my face for any sign of hesitation.

I nodded. I'd never been surer of anything in my life than I was of this. I wanted this. No matter what happened tomorrow, we would have tonight. Regardless of what today's events meant for our future, this was the present. I wanted my first time to be with someone I loved. And I'd never felt about anyone the way I felt about Ezra.

He pulled my tank top off and then kissed me again as he undid my bra and pulled it down my arms. As I laid back down, he just sat there looking at me for a minute.

"You're so beautiful," he said, smiling, and came back down to kiss me again. "I love you."

"I love you," I said quietly, suddenly a little more nervous, but just as sure as I'd been a minute ago.

Ezra kissed me again, keeping one arm wrapped tightly around me as he slowly ran his other hand down my now-bare side, seeming like he was trying to memorize every curve. He took a shaky breath as his lips left mine, seeming as nervous as I was. He looked right into my eyes, seeming to ask without words if I was still okay. If I was still sure I wanted this. I didn't blink or let my eyes leave his as I stroked his cheek softly, trying to reassure him.

Apparently that was the assurance he needed, because his lips were back on mine within a second, but only briefly. He kissed me softly, gently tugging at my bottom lip. Then he started at one of my shoulders, slowly trailing kisses up my collarbone and across my neck, then back down the other collarbone. As he worked his way back up my neck again, my breath caught as his lips touched a spot right by my jugular that seemed to catch on fire. He clearly heard that, because he kissed the same spot again, softly sucking on it this time. Not enough to leave a mark, just enough to send a shiver all the way down my spine.

And that was the point at which I couldn't take it anymore. I needed another kiss. I pulled back and pulled him in. As his tongue explored my mouth as if for the first time, he slowly stroked from my hip up my side, this time stopping at the side of my breast. He didn't do anything other than just let his hand rest there. It was obvious he was taking his time, going out of his way to make sure I was comfortable with what he was doing.

When Ezra finally stopped kissing me to catch his breath, the way he looked at me could have set this apartment on fire. There was so much love and passion and desire in his eyes. More than I'd ever seen before. It was clear that he'd wanted this for a while, but that he'd waited for me to make the move. He'd wanted this to be completely my decision, and he wanted to make sure I wasn't going to regret it.

Instead of going back for my lips, he went a little further down, slowly trailing kisses across the top of my chest, then down my sternum and stomach. As he got to my belly button, he stopped and looked up at me, his hands on my hips.

"You okay?" he asked, barely above a whisper.

"I'm good," I assured him just as quietly, almost afraid to ruin the moment with words.

He planted another kiss on my stomach as he unbuttoned and unzipped my skirt. I lifted my hips, and ever so slowly, he pulled it off, followed by my underwear. I tried to calm the butterflies in my stomach, but they weren't going anywhere. I was all nerves now, realizing I was completely exposed, and swallowed a little loudly before I could stop myself. He was back up at the head of the bed within a second, and his lips were back on mine, calming my nerves and reassuring me, as he pulled me close against him.

"I love you, Aria," he said quietly. "Are you still okay?"

I smiled and nodded, melting into a huge puddle. God, he was being so sweet and patient. I hadn't realized it was even possible to love him more than I already did, but this was me falling even more in love with him. Right here and now.

"You're safe," he whispered, kissing my neck and working his way back down my chest, this time going across the tops of my breasts. "It's just me. Just us."

Ezra was going to have to mop up a huge puddle of Aria by the time this was over. Because that would be all there was left of me. Seriously. As he continued kissing literally every inch of my upper body he could, I realized that he was still half-dressed. I knew that had to be intentional. If he'd wanted to, he could have taken the rest of his clothes off when he'd finished undressing me. But he hadn't. He was obviously trying to get me comfortable being undressed in front of him first.

I pulled him back up to kiss him again, and as we kissed, I slowly undid his belt buckle and pulled his belt off, dropping it on the floor with the rest of our clothes. He pulled me back against him, clearly not wanting me to go any further just yet. I pulled him closer by his lower back, and I felt him tense up a little. He stopped kissing me and then took a deep breath as he rolled us back over so I was on my back. His hand wandered down my chest and stomach, and he stopped right below my belly button, looking me in the eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said, giving me another soft kiss that made me weak at the knees even though I was lying down. "And I know I will if I don't do this. Do you trust me?"

I had to stop myself from laughing at that question. If I hadn't trusted him, I would never have let things progress this far. But I knew why he'd said that. And that puddle of Aria he was going to have to mop up was just getting bigger. It was unbelievably sweet that he was asking for permission first. As far as I was concerned, we'd passed the point of no return about a mile back, but I knew he didn't feel that way. One word from me would stop everything if I wanted.

"I trust you," I promised, pulling him back down for another kiss.

Not breaking the kiss except for a brief moment to catch his breath, Ezra slowly slid his hand between my legs. He just let it sit there for a second, making sure I wasn't going to say anything, before slowly sliding one finger inside me. I softly moaned into his mouth, already feeling every nerve ending in my body tingling even before this. He slowly moved it in and out, loosening me a little bit with each motion, as he kissed my neck, my breasts, my lips, everything he could reach. After a few minutes, he added a second finger, using the same motions to stretch me out. A few more minutes in, he stopped even before I could say anything. I didn't want to finish yet, because that would have tightened everything back up again, undoing everything he'd just done, and I'd been getting there.

He quickly discarded the rest of his clothes and climbed above me, kissing me again and caressing my face. His other hand gently pulled one of my legs up a little. He already knew he didn't need a condom. I'd been on the pill since before I'd even met him for medical reasons, and when this had almost happened a couple of weeks ago, we'd had that conversation. I'd stopped it then because I hadn't wanted to have our first time be hurried and rushed, and at that particular point in time it would have been. Now, we had all the time in the world.

"Still okay?" he asked, kissing the tip of my nose.

And the puddle of Aria he was going to have to mop up got a little bigger. The fact that he was asking me if I was okay with everything he was doing before he went any further, that he wasn't taking my yes twenty minutes ago or even my yes five minutes ago for granted now, was…I had no words.

"I'm fine," I told him.

"Promise you'll tell me if I hurt you," he said, his voice full of concern.

"I promise."

He took a deep breath, as if he was as nervous as I was right now. Maybe he was. I didn't know how I knew this, but somehow I just did. I knew it was different with me. Not just because I was younger, but because his feelings for me were different. Stronger.

"Ready?" he asked, looking me right in the eyes.

I nodded and kissed him again, and I gasped and grunted a little as he slowly eased himself inside me. He'd been amazingly gentle, but it still hurt a little. I knew it would pass, but I needed a minute. I was about to say something just like I'd promised I would, but as it turned out, I didn't have to. He immediately pulled back and looked at me, and the love and concern I saw in his eyes made that puddle of Aria even bigger.

"Did that hurt?" he asked.

"A little," I said.

Ezra kissed me and wrapped his arms around me like a cocoon, keeping his eyes locked on mine. If a single look could set an apartment on fire, this one would have incinerated the whole building.

"I love you," he said softly, and kissed me again. "Tell me when."

I pulled him back down for another kiss and waited to let the uncomfortable feeling pass. He just kept looking at me and kissing me every few seconds, waiting to follow my lead. And, just as I'd known it would, after a minute or so, the pain subsided completely.

"Okay, I'm good," I said.

"You sure?" he asked, again staring into my eyes like he was looking all the way into my soul.

I nodded, and he brought his lips back to mine as he slowly and gently started to move. I'd been a little nervous and scared, fearing that I wouldn't know what to do, but there hadn't been any reason for that. It felt natural to follow his lead, and he was slow and patient and oh so gentle. He took his time, seeming to want to make every kiss, every touch, and absolutely every second count. He seemed to care more about making sure I felt safe and comfortable than he cared about himself. And he absolutely cared more about making sure I finished than he did about himself. Whenever he got close, he'd stop for a minute to keep himself from going over the edge too soon. Apparently I was doing something right, because that happened a few times. But eventually I got there, and it seemed like feeling me finish was the last straw for him too, because he was right behind me, whispering my name right in my ear.

Ezra didn't move right away after we were done. He just enveloped me in his arms again as he slowly pulled out and stayed right there, kissing my forehead, my shoulders, my lips, everything he could reach without letting go of me.

"I love you," he said quietly.

I smiled and ran my hand down his back. "I love you too."

It was at least five minutes later, probably more like ten, when he finally got up and grabbed his boxers off the floor to put them back on. He got me one of his old t-shirts, which I gratefully put on; it was a little chilly in the apartment. Then he just laid back down on the bed and pulled me back into an embrace without another word. We didn't need to say anything else. Words would have just ruined the moment.

I didn't know how much later it was when I suddenly realized that I had absolutely no idea what time it was. I didn't want to leave, but I knew it had to be getting late. I turned around and glanced at the clock on his cable box. Crap. It was already almost eleven. My curfew had been almost half an hour ago. I'd already be facing my parents' wrath when I got home, and I'd have to come up with some sort of believable story for where I'd been.

"I hate to say this—" I started.

"Stay," he cut me off.

"Ezra—"

He stopped me with a kiss. "I mean it, Aria. Stay. Please. I can't stand to watch you walk out that door tonight."

I kissed him again. I was so glad he'd said that. Leaving right now would kill me too.

"Okay, I'll be right back," I told him, and got up to call my mom.

I told her I was going to be staying with Emily for the night because she was torn up about Maya being MIA and needed the company. She didn't question it. Then I texted Emily and told her she was my alibi. She didn't question it either. I'd tell her later. Maybe. I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about this yet.

I turned back towards the bed and I felt myself blush when I saw the way Ezra was looking at me. There was a fire and passion in his eyes that I had never seen before tonight. Without a word, I went back to lie next to him.

"Come here," he said, and pulled me close, kissing my forehead. "How do you feel? Sore or anything?"

I melted into another puddle. God, I loved him. He was still being so sweet and was obviously concerned.

"No, I'm okay," I promised, and kissed him softly.

"You are much better than okay," he said, staring straight into my eyes. "You're perfect. I love you."

I smiled, blushing again. Ezra chuckled and pulled me back in for another kiss. He didn't have to say anything else. I knew he felt everything right now, just like I did. Tonight had meant every bit as much to him as it had to me. As I tried to process exactly how I felt, I couldn't come up with words. I'd always been told I would feel different afterwards, but it wasn't really like that. I didn't feel like the entire earth had shifted on its axis or anything. I just felt…right. Like everything was how it was supposed to be.

It was about three hours later when I finally stopped crying. I had a killer headache, and I knew I needed to get home. My parents would have gotten a call about me skipping school today and I'd have to explain myself. But I couldn't make myself leave.

Just then, my phone buzzed. I was sure it was my mom, but when I sat up to grab it out of my purse and checked it, it was a text from Ezra.

I'm sure you haven't left the apartment yet. You can stay as long as you need, but please don't torture yourself.

I smiled and tried to hold back a fresh wave of tears. He certainly knew me well. My phone buzzed again.

By the way, I can't stop thinking about last night either. I meant what I said. You're perfect. I love you more than I know how to say.

That did it. I started bawling again. I wanted to call him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Hearing his voice would just make it worse. So I just sent him a text back.

So are you. I love you too.

I looked next to me on the bed and realized the shirt I'd slept in last night was still there. I'd laid down on top of it without even realizing it. I knew it was stupid and overly sappy, but I grabbed it and held onto it tightly. And I decided to bring it with me. I didn't even care if my mom or dad saw me in it at this point. I needed to bring something of his with me. Something that would help me through being alone in the aftermath of what we'd shared together.

After carefully folding the shirt and putting it in my purse, I took a deep breath, got my sobs under control, and walked out the door, remembering at the last minute to lock it behind me. I took the spare key with me. It'd be safer with me than staying under the mat. I didn't want to risk someone breaking in when they realized that he wasn't coming home. And that thought brought on a fresh round of tears.

When I walked into my house, my mother's angry expression immediately changed to one of concern when she saw my face. I could only imagine what I looked like. I ran straight up to my room and shut the door. I wasn't ready to do this with her yet. She knew me too well, and she'd know. She'd know everything without me telling her.

But unfortunately, my door didn't lock and my mom followed me up to my room and sat down on the bed next to me.

"Aria, talk to me," she said.

"I can't," I said, sniffling.

"I know it's something to do with Ezra," she said, putting her hand on my shoulder. "Nothing else could make you cry this much."

Yep, she knew. I knew she would know. I wondered if it was really true what they said about people looking different after having sex for the first time. I hoped not. That was not a conversation I wanted to have with my mother. What we'd done hadn't been illegal; sixteen was the legal age of consent in Pennsylvania and he wasn't a teacher at the high school anymore. But still. It wasn't exactly the kind of conversation I wanted to have with my mom at all.

"Aria, please tell me what happened," my mom said. "Seeing you like this kills me."

Well, that made two of us who were dead inside.

"He's gone," I sobbed.

"What do you mean, he's gone?" My mom sounded genuinely confused. "Your dad told me he turned down the job in New Orleans."

Oh, was that all he'd told her? God, I hated him. I hated him so much.

"Did he also tell you that he got Ezra fired?" I scoffed.

"What?"

"They fired him yesterday. Said they no longer offer his class. And now he's gone to his mom's house in New York to try to figure out what he's going to do with his life."

"Aria, come here," my mom said.

I sat up and let my mom hug me as I drenched her shirt with my tears. She just sat there and held me for a good ten minutes, not saying anything.

"You weren't with Emily last night, were you?" she finally said.

"No," I said guiltily.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry," she said, rubbing my back. "Don't worry, I'm not going to tell your dad where you really were. That stays between us. But I am going to give him an earful when he gets home."

Just then, the front door opened and slammed shut.

"Aria!" my dad called.

"I'll deal with it," my mom said. "Stay here."

She walked out of my bedroom and shut the door behind her. I walked up and pressed my ear against the door to listen to the conversation.

"Ella, where the hell is Aria?" my dad yelled. "I got a call that she skipped school today."

"That's the least of your worries, Byron," my mom said. I knew that tone. This wasn't going to end well for him.

"What are you talking about?" my dad screeched. "You knew about this?"

"Yes, I did. And I also know about what you did."

"Don't turn this on me, Ella," he spat. "Our daughter is running around skipping school, and I can bet I know where she is. I'm going to go over there right now and drag her out by her hair."

"She's not at Ezra's," she spat right back. "Because Ezra left town this morning. After you had him fired."

"It's about damn time."

"That's really all you have to say?" my mom scoffed. "Byron, you've just broken your daughter."

"She'll get over it," he said.

"If you could have seen the look on Aria's face when she walked in the door today. She'll never get over this. Not really. And she's going to blame you, and she won't be wrong."

"I'm not the one who did this to us, Ella," my dad challenged.

"Aria's only crime here is falling in love," my mom said. "She's a teenager. She's supposed to fall in love. And quite frankly, the only thing wrong with Ezra is his age. He's respectful, he clearly cares about her, and he was brave enough to tell us, knowing full well what would happen when he did. You're the one who turned this into a war. She didn't do this to us. You did."

I had to smile. Maybe my mom was warming to the idea of this after all. But it didn't matter. Because there was a very good chance I would never see Ezra again.

After a few more minutes of my parents yelling at each other and my mother telling my father that under no circumstances was he allowed to come into my room tonight, my mom came back into my room and shut the door behind her. She came back to the bed and sat down next to me.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked.

I chuckled dryly. "Well, you can't bring him back, so no."

"I wish I could," she sighed. "Regardless of how I feel about him, I can't in good conscience support your father doing anything at all that leaves you this devastated. If he comes back, I'll make sure your father doesn't cause any more trouble. I'm not condoning this, but I'm not going to stop it either."

I sniffled. "That's a big if. He can't teach anywhere in this town. He's got no reason to come back, other than to pack up the rest of his apartment."

My mom chuckled. "Oh, I think he might realize he's got one reason to come back. If he's smart."

I couldn't help it. I chuckled too, and smiled a little. I hoped she was right.

"Hey, there she is," she said, smiling. "Look, you don't have to tell me what happened last night, but I can guess. And I am going to tell you one thing. If Ezra does come to his senses and come back here, I'm going to give him an earful for leaving you like this the very next day."

I laughed a little. I'd be lucky if Ezra was brave enough to even talk to me again after that conversation.

"Go easy on him," I told her. "It's Dad's fault, not his. And for the love of God, don't tell him you guessed what happened. I'm mortified enough that you did."

"I can't promise to go easy on him," she told me. "But you have my word this conversation doesn't leave this room. I know nothing. Besides, you didn't actually tell me anything. I could be wrong. You could have been playing Parcheesi all night until you called me for all I know."

And that got an actual laugh out of me. She couldn't have at least gone with Scrabble or Monopoly? But in all seriousness, it was things like this that my mom was awesome with. I knew she didn't judge either of us for the choice we'd made. She was just mad at him for making me this upset in the aftermath. But if she did end up talking to him, I knew she wouldn't betray my confidence.

"Listen, sweetie, I know I'm probably the last person you want to talk to about any of this, but if you need to talk about how you're feeling, I'm here," she said, laughing with me. "I won't judge you and I won't tell anyone what you tell me. I know the person you really want to talk to isn't here and I'm sure you don't want to talk to him about it over the phone."

"Thanks, Mom," I sighed. "But you're right. You are the last person I want to talk to about this. It's nothing personal. It's just not the kind of conversation I really want to have with my mother."

"Oh, I get it. Trust me, I wouldn't have wanted to talk about my first time with your grandmother either," she teased.

"I thought you didn't know anything," I shot back, giggling a little.

"Right. You were playing Parcheesi," she chuckled.

"Parcheesi? Really? You couldn't have at least gone with Scrabble?" I teased.

"Well, I was going to go with Go Fish, but…" my mom laughed.