Back to the Batpig, a digimon fanfic

Back to the Batpig

The Caped Crusader still doesn't have a clue.

Before I start, I just checked my archives and realized that the one-year anniversary of the birth of Batpig is August 18^th.

Oh joy. Just what we've all been waiting for.

I do not need your sarcasm, Yamato. In preparation to this joyous event, I invite my faithful readers to create their own adventure for the Pork Knight.

Another contest?

Yup. Winner(s) will be featured in an upcoming Batpig episode as well as awarded with a Batpig-related doodle by yours truly.

Deadline's August 18, so shake a leg, Batpig fans!

Questions and comments can be sent to moi, at elizagh@yahoo.com where my staff of underpaid lackeys (namely the other Digidestined) are standing by.

No rules, just write.

Gotham City, a trashy town where the old tin cans, banana peels, coffee grounds, and other veritable mucky things live. The one janitor around to clean it up? Batpig! Yes, despite the threat of the author's fearless super-squad, the Alliance of Night's Vigilantes, our hero is still the all-around…well, hero.

Despite the influence of the Pork Knight, the televisions were still on the fritz, doing nothing but replaying those cheap Digimon commercials FOX mass-produced to keep the ratings up while season three was still under the careful, skillful handling of the dubbers.

Subliminal messaging at its best.

Meanwhile, at Turkey Wall Manor, Patamon was busily doodling on a large piece of paper with a purple crayon. Biyomon and Wizardmon were in the middle of playing some medieval magicky video game.

"Damn you, Wizardmon! You let me get eaten by the phantasm!"

"Be grateful I let you play. Lia can't do squat when it comes to anything with a joystick. Pig, what are you doing over there?"

Patamon glanced up. "Trying to figure out how to break into Ken's Gotham City penthouse."

"Dare we ask why?" Biyomon inquired, using one of her precious lives.

"So I can steal his time machine (patent pending) and go back in time so I can stop Lia from ever coming up with the Alliance in the first place! Or at least transport myself to their headquarters and catch them with their masks off."

Wizardmon and Biyomon stared at their fearless and slightly clueless leader in shock. This was the smartest plan he had come up with to date.

"I'll be back in five, ten minutes tops if I can get past the guard dogs, the high-tech security system, and Wormmon. Boy, for a caterpillar that guy is vicious!"

Biyomon and Wizardmon exchanged glances as the porcine monster darted down the secret passage in the bookcase to the Batpig Cave.

"I'll run and get the first aid kit."

"I'll call 9-1-1 and make sure they have an ambulance standing by."

~*~

Exactly ten minutes, two seconds…three seconds…four seconds…you get the idea…later, Patamon returned with a large cardboard box. Wizardmon and Biyomon eyed it suspiciously as the orange pig thing plunked it down onto the carpet, the contents rattling loudly.

"And what is this?" Wizardmon questioned.

"The time machine," Patamon replied simply. "Um, some assembly required."

Biyomon flicked the box flaps back with a wing and peered inside.

"The whole thing's in pieces!"

"Yeah, well Ken just got the thing! I figured I could use my super fantastic Batpig powers and assemble it lickety-split."

Biyomon sweatdropped. "You don't have super fantastic Batpig powers."

"Oh?"

Wizardmon rolled his eyes and flicked a finger at the box, causing the bits and pieces of metal and whatnot to float through the air and finally assemble themselves into an apparatus that looked like a bad combination between a motorcycle, the blue dinosaur time machine thingy from Flint, and a hover-scooter thing from Star Wars.

Patamon dropped his ratchet and his socket wrench in shock. "How come you got to put it together? I wanted to do that!"

"For the sake of getting this stupid story over with faster."

Patamon raised a chubby black finger to the sky, striking a pose and crying, "To the Batpig Time Mobile, Dead Wonder!"

The superhero digimon quickly donned their capes and cowls and hopped into/onto the machine. Joe scampered out of the kitchen, wearing Matt's lurid pink apron and holding a dishtowel.

"Wait! Where are you guys going?"

"To the past, faithful Alfredo! To stop Lia from coming up with the Alliance!" Patamon cried.

"But I just heard on the radio that Poison Ivy's escaped from the asylum and is wreaking havoc on downtown Gotham with her killer houseplants…and she has gimp!"

The author issues a shriek of terror from her cushy computer chair somewhere outside the fanfic.

As if emphasizing Joe's distress, the Batpig Signal flicked on outside.

Patamon smiled childishly. "Don't worry, Joe. We're only going three months into the past. We'll be back in time to truss up Palmon like a Thanksgiving turkey!"

Biyomon cocked her head up at the word 'turkey'. "Turkey? Where? Damn Thanksgiving!"

Before Joe could protest further the Caped Crusaders disappeared out of their living room in a flash of light and puff of smoke.

"And I thought having Shadowmon do that constantly was annoying."

~*~

The trio of heroes scooted through the space-time continuum quickly, popping out on the other side in a very dark Odaiba. Dark as in nighttime, that is.

"Are we three months back?" Patamon questioned, opening one big blue eye.

"No, idiot," Biyomon replied harshly. "We're eight years back. See?"

She pointed to a spot in front of them, where, sure enough, the supersized Greymon and Parrotmon were locked in head-to-head combat.

"Lookit T.K.! He's so cute!" the pigbat squeaked.

Wizardmon folded his arms across his chest. "He's a drooly four-year-old who's barely toilet trained. I don't see what's so adorable about him."

"Oh my Gawd!" Biyomon squealed. "Lookit Lia and Nicki! They're all chibi-ish!"

"Lia?! Where?" Wizardmon glanced around quickly, then took notice of his partner staring out her window in an apartment somewhere among the rest of the original cast's. Nicki was on her terrace (with one of her foster families…this was before Team Rocket picked her up), attempting to drop the pet cat seven stories.

"All right, we've seen enough, let's go," Biyomon shouted, hopping back onto the time cycle thingy.

"Wait! I wanna fly up there and spit in Matt's face!" Patamon cried.

"Eh?!"

The caped crusader grimaced. "He helped Lia create the Alliance, he must pay!"

Biyomon sighed. "Why is it that everyone around here hates him? Am I the only digimon who doesn't have a grudge with the guy?"

"That's because your Digidestined dates him fifty percent of the time," Wizardmon muttered.

~*~

So the Batpig trio hopped back on their time cycle thingy and headed towards the future.

"Are we there yet?" Patamon asked.

"No, this looks like four years later," Biyomon stated.

Wizardmon glanced around at their surroundings. "Crap."

"Crap what crap?" Patamon asked.

"We're on top of the television station. And there's Myotismon. And there's Kari. And there I am…oops, wait, I've been smacked against the wall."

Patamon got a bright idea. "Hey! Let's make it so you don't die!"

Angemon just got finished saying, "Have you had enough or do you want some more?" and Myotismon was about to answer when…

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am a time traveler sent to stop a crazed teenage author! I am Batpig!"

Everyone stopped and stared at the Pork Knight. The Dead Wonder yanked the hammish creature off his pedestal and waved his fingers, casting a little magic spell over the 01 cast.

"This didn't happen. Carry on," he said, jumping off the roof with Biyomon and Patamon in tow.

"DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE?!" Biyomon exploded. "HOW COULD YOU JUST BLATANTLY TAMPER WITH TIME?!"

"I just wanted to keep Wizardmon from dying," Patamon whimpered.

"Meathead! If you had done that, Lia never would've gone to the Digital World and met that…oh crap, we could've stopped Lia from meeting Matt!" Wizardmon moaned.

AHEM!

Are you forgetting who's in charge here?

"Oh go away!" Patamon growled.

"And it would also mean Gatomon would never digivolve to Angewomon, we would've lost the final battle of 01, we'd never find the Golden Radiance, Ken would still be evil…basically everything would be a screwed mess," Biyomon recounted.

"Right. Now then, let's get to our proper time before I have to actually see myself kick the bucket."

"Flash forward to the future!!!" Patamon cried.

~*~

On their way to the future past, our heroes happened to pass another group of time travelers headed in the opposite direction.

*gasp* "It's Flint the Time Detective!" Biyomon cried.

"And just who are you?" the prehistoric pint-sized policeman questioned.

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the melted Popsicle on the sidewalk of crime! I am Batpig!"

"And I'm Batpig Girl!"

"And I'm the Dead Wonder."

"And you're a bunch of rip-offs with our voice actors!" Tony countered.

"Au contraire, you stole our voice actors, you hacks!" Patamon retorted.

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh! Gomamon was played by R. Martin Klein way before you were!"

"Yeah, so? Tony and I had our voice actors before Davis and Yolei!" Sara piped up.

"And everybody has Veemon's and Ken's, we know," Wizardmon sighed. "Can we go?"

No, we can't. Patamon and Flint are going to drag race their time machines. Fun.

~*~

So the Pork Knight and his roadies drag raced Flint and his cast, pushing Merlock and Bindi off the time stream and careening into somewhere and somewhen.

When the race finally ended, a tie, the two competing forces were nowhere near their original destinations.

"Welcome to Ancient China!" Pteri the robot bird thing chirped.

Wizardmon (once again) looked around and scowled under his collar. "This looks more like an episode of Fushigi Yuugi to me."

"Tamahome! Wait up!" came the high-pitched Jun-like squeal of a girl in an ugly brown fuku.

"You were right, it is an episode of Fushigi Yuugi!" Sara gasped.

Patamon sighed and turned their time machine back on. "We were through this already, we don't need any more of it. We're going back to our own network."

~*~

And they did. But rather than going back to that fateful May when the author cooked up her Alliance of Night's Vigilantes, the heroes returned to the present time to face Palmon.

"Eh, otherwise we'd just do nothing fun the rest of this fanfic," Patamon sighed. "Besides, I have a date tonight."

"No! What now?! Our cheesecake? Wizardmon's flan? WHAT?" Biyomon shrieked.

"Actually, I thought I'd take this cute Floramon I met in a cheesy nightclub out to dinner. We have reservations at Digitamamon's place."

"WHAT?!" Wizardmon and Biyomon facefaulted and fell over.

Patamon shrugged. "C'mon, Gotham City needs us."

Palmon was sitting in her hideout, an abandoned ChemLawn building overrun with weeds, vines, and crabgrass. Obviously those armyworm things haven't gotten to it yet. She was wearing her leafy leotard and attempting to paint her fingers/vines with fingernail polish purloined from Mimi.

"Mmm, Batpig should be here soon, my pretties. Then we shall have fun," she crooned, speaking to the plants.

"Sooner than you think, Palmon!" came the cry.

"Huh? Who? What? Where?"

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the water bottle of justice in the ninety-degree weather of evil! I am Batpig!"

"And I'm Batpig Girl!"

"And I'm the Dead Wonder."

"Plants, attack!" Palmon hollered, spilling her nail polish onto the floor. The vines leapt up at our heroes, who skillfully dodged them…sort of. Patamon slipped and fell to the ground. Fortunately, his face broke the fall.

"Hee-yah! Batpigarang, away!" Biyomon cried, chucking a boomerang-like hunk of plastic at Palmon. She caught it and snapped it in two.

"Damn you, marijuana girl!"

"That's Poison Ivy to you!" she snapped, using the attack of the same name to bind our hero.

The vines caught up to Batpig Girl and the Dead Wonder as well, and they too, were trapped.

"Damn. You know what this means," Biyomon sighed.

"Three…two…one…"

"We're the Mon Colle…" oops, wrong show. Sorry.

"We're the Power Ran…" Did it again.

"We're the Austin Powers Tri…" Not you guys.

"Need a hand?" Fallen Angel questioned, dropping in with the rest of the Alliance.

"Who's this?" Palmon mused.

"The Alliance of Night's Vigilantes, and you're about to be whacked, weed," Kaiser snapped.

"Bad cliché, man. That sucked a** in the worst f***ing way," DarkScythe stated.

"Um, can I ask you guys a favor?" Patamon asked meekly.

"Wha?" Wormmon asked, nuzzling the ankle of the human in the Emperor guise.

"Can you guys please reveal your secret identities? Pleasepleaseplease? It's gonna be my one year anniversary and I gotta know!"

"Eh? You want them to just take off their disguises and show you? Did somebody hit him on the head or is he tripping on LSD?" Phantomon questioned, eyeing Wizardmon and smiling (inside his cloak).

"No-oh, not you," the Dead Wonder groaned. "Get back! I already have enough girls chasing me! Who do I look like, Matt?"

"Maybe later, Pig. Kaiser, torch those vines!" Fallen Angel commanded.

Kaiser used laser heat vision thing (without ever taking off his purple shades)…it's super effective!

Biyomon and Wizardmon dropped onto the ground and rooted around in their utility belts for hacksaws.

"Lookit! Lia did what we wanted for once and gave us Batpig Hacksaws! Quick, Dead Wonder, let's get going!" Biyomon cheeped.

They hacked at the vines, causing Palmon to wail and moan. "My babies! My babies!"

"Hello? I'm still caught here!" Patamon hollered.

DarkScythe and Phantomon (occasionally called DeathBlade by his Alliance cronies) used their super magic scythes to untangle Batpig.

"Grrr! You can't win that easily! I've planted a special seed in this building…one that will explode in five minutes and spread Miracle Gro all over Gotham! Every plant in the city will grow to incredible heights and choke the life out of the Gothamites! And then the plants and I will rule forever! MWEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!"

"What kind of a laugh is that?" Batpig mocked. "It's deranged!"

"We have to find that bomb and turn it off!" Fallen Angel cried.

"And how are we going to do that?" Wizardmon snapped.

"Infrared goggles, courtesy of the Austin Powers Trio!" Shadowmon cried, popping into the fanfic. "Here ya go, Wizzie. Just cuz you hate BakaYama just as much as Nicki and it was funny watching you put that goldfish in his water bottle last Thursday."

Kaiser and Fallen Angel scowled. "Oh, I see."

"Scowl later, b****es, we have to find that f***ing bomb before that a**hole ruins this f***ing city!" DarkScythe shouted.

But before any of our heroes could find the bomb, Poison Ivy unleashed her most heinous of flora…the Audrey II!!!

A/N: For any of you who are absolutely clueless…the Audrey II is the name of the giant plant in Little Shop of Horrors. A musical and a movie starring Rick Moranis. Where you get the great line, "Feed me, Seymour."

"ACK! It's a giant evil plant and it's gonna eat us and then because Palmon set up us the bomb it'll grow super-huge just like the rest of the plants in Gotham City and everyone'll get eaten or strangulated or become a Pod Person!" Batpig babbled.

"Feed me, Palmon!" the Audrey II cried.

The plant digimon grinned. "Tonight's entrée is superhero…rare. Bon appetite, my darlings!"

And with that, Palmon took off to probably rob something else, or maybe let Catwomon or Mr. Freeze out of the asylum.

"Somebody better do something quick, or else we're all gonna be plant food!" Batpig Girl moaned.

Batpig started rummaging around in his utility belt, seeing if he could locate the Batpig Weed Whacker, or at least a can of Weed-B-Gone. But little did he know that Audrey II was creeping up behind him.

"Patamon, look out!" Fallen Angel shrieked, diving and shoving him out of the way just as the plant's jaw snapped.

"LIA!" Kaiser howled, incinerating the botanical beast.

"Lia?!" the Batpig threesome gasped.

The brunette, coughing and covered in slime and blood, pulled herself out of the plant carcass.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?" the Emperor snapped.

"Thinking was obviously the last thing she was doing," DarkScythe retorted.

"Stay out of this."

"Patamon would've died if I hadn't done something!" the heroine cried, jerking her hand in the direction of the smoldering plant.

"You almost died!" Kaiser shrieked hysterically.

"Then I would've died doing the one thing this team hasn't done," she hissed. "Act like real heroes. I forged our Alliance to help Batpig, not wage war on him. But you two didn't listen because I was the girl. You know what? I'm glad I nearly committed suicide, because maybe now you'll appreciate me more, Yamato!"

The Caped Crusaders gasped again.

"Digimon Kaiser Yamato, I should've known," Wizardmon sighed.

Patamon leaned over to DarkScythe. "We're two for two. You wanna make it an even three?"

"One, no. Two, three isn't an even number. Three, f*** off, Pig!"

"What makes you think I don't appreciate you?"

"You spend more time with Sora than with me!"

"You write more Sorato fics!"

"It gets more reviews!"

"Would you two stop b****ing and f***ing get your a**es in gear? That b**** plant is still out there and we never found that f***ing bomb!"

"Stay out of it, Reo!"

Patamon held up a paw in triumph. "We have a winner!"

"Gee, the entire Alliance unmasked in two lousy paragraphs. After all that suspense," Biyomon sighed.

"Well, while they're fighting, we can find the bomb, disarm it, and catch Poison Ivy before she destroys Gotham City," Wizardmon suggested.

"I like the way you think, Dead Wonder! Let's do it!" Patamon cried.

~*~

So the Caped Crusaders put on their infrared goggles and hunted around the ChemLawn building, finally finding the bomb in a pile of manure.

"Oh no, I'm not sticking my paws in meadow muffins. Find some other digimon, not me," Patamon stated nervously, backing away from the compost.

"I have to disarm the bomb, and Biyomon is checking the Batpig D-Terminal for Poison Ivy's location. That leaves you, fearless leader."

"I liked you better when you were actually dead, Wizardmon."

So Patamon was up to his ears in bulls***, literally. After some scrabbling and complaints about the smell, he managed to pull the bomb out.

"Quick, Dead Wonder, cut that wire!"

"Okay…let's see…you're always supposed to cut the green wire. Or was it the red one? Or was it the purple one? Crap!"

"I know, that's what I had to wade through," Patamon groaned.

"No, not that crap! I can't remember which wire to cut!" Wizardmon moaned.

"Gimme the wire cutters," Biyomon instructed. Wizardmon forked them over.

"Are you sure you can do this, Batpig Girl?" Patamon questioned warily.

"Eenie, meenie, mynie, mo!" And with that, Biyomon cut the red wire, stopping the bomb with two and a half hours to spare.

"Two and a half hours?" the Caped Crusaders moaned, falling over and sweatdropping.

~*~

Palmon, while the others were doing their thangs, was liberating the houseplants in the Takenouchi florist shop.

"Go free, my beauties! Go free and run wild!" she cried, throwing potted plants out the windows. The precut stuff she gathered up into her arms.

"Don't worry, we'll give you a proper funeral, my beautiful blossoms. How dare someone cut you in your prime! It's inhumane!"

She was about to burn the home of a local Christmas tree farmer when suddenly…

"Hold it right there, you pitiful wad of crabgrass!"

"EH?"

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the stubborn dandelion of righteousness in the lawn of wrongdoing! I am Batpig!"

"And I'm Batpig Girl!"

"And I'm the Dead Wonder."

Palmon rolled her eyes. "You three just won't die. What more must I do?"

"Stuff it, sistah. Your bomb's been deactivated, the city is safe, and now all we have to do is haul your sorry keister back to Archam," Patamon retorted.

"SUMAC SQUAD, GO!" Palmon shrieked.

A hoard of Floramon carrying branches appeared out of nowhere, poking our heroes with their leafy bundles. The Caped Crusaders instantly broke out in hives and started itching.

"What is this stuff, DW?" Batpig Girl whined, scratching her wings.

"Poison sumac…it's a cousin of poison ivy."

"Now that you've been rendered immobile by itchiness, I can easily escape!" Poison Ivy cackled, revealing her plan as all proper comic book villains do.

"Not quite!" Batpig snapped, rubbing his back against a telephone booth.

"What do you mean, 'not quite?' You're all so itchy you can't get at your utility belts!"

"Ah, but we aren't!" came the retort as the Alliance appeared.

"Are you three done squabbling?" Wizardmon questioned. "And what's more, do you happen to have a bottle of calamine lotion?"

"Not quite," Angel replied. "But we did buy you guys a barrel of weed killer. Bombs away!"

The barrel fell to the ground with a sickening *thud*, barely missing our heroes.

"Watch where you aim, girl!"

"It slipped! It's heavy!"

"Klutz," Batpig Girl muttered.

"Batpig Girl, hand me the superdeluxe Batpig Power Sprayers!"

"Righty-o!"

Biyomon yanked a couple spray bottle things out of her bottomless belt and handed them to her rash-cursed superior. Patamon filled the bottles with the weed killer and spun them around on his fingers, Wild West gunslinger style.

"I'm calling you out, Poison Ivy. Ten paces and then fire," he drawled.

"Wait, I don't have a weapon!"

A random Floramon handed Palmon a squirt gun.

"Floramon number 249, what's this?"

"It's full of a super-strong pollen solution that'll make everyone's allergies act up so much that they're rendered helpless."

"You stole this from Flint, didn't you?"

"Yup I did!"

Palmon and Patamon fired, and Patamon's weed killer hit its mark before the pollen made his eyes and nose water.

"Spiral Twister!" Biyomon fired her attack at the pollen ray, disintegrating the blast harmlessly. Palmon was staring at the hole Patamon blasted through her, well, more like staring through the hole. You could see right through her.

"Damn. This isn't good," she muttered.

"Ah, a little plant food and a sunny cell in Archam and you'll be good as new," Wormmon said, tying up the evil plant.

~*~

Batpig, Batpig Girl and the Dead Wonder stood with the Alliance on a rooftop after Poison Ivy was carted back to the asylum.

"Something still puzzles me. Why does Wormmon follow you guys around?" Patamon asked.

Matt shrugged. "To throw you off. Besides, I need a digimon sidekick and Gabumon is too obsessed with ice cream to be useful."

"And are you guys like a team again?" Biyomon queried.

"For now," Reo answered. "With these two girls around, who knows."

"And are you going to kick your sister out of my bunk tonight, Lia? I had to sleep in the freaking closet and it's a thousand degrees in there! You got to sleep in air conditioned pleasure!" Wizardmon complained.

"If you're lucky. C'mon guys, we've got to go off and work."

"Work on what?" Patamon asked.

Reo grinned. "Dirty Cardcaptor Sakura lemons."

Matt sighed. "Stopping Gabumon from blowing up another ice cream truck."

Lia winked. "The Batpig One-Year Anniversary Special…a few new Sorato fics, updating some stuff…the usual. And if you ever need the Alliance, just whistle."

The two authors, the muse, and their digimon sidekicks took off, leaving our heroes in dazed confusion.

"So, are they like, on our side?"

"They've always been on our side, dolt. They just hated us."

"Do you think my lemon-lime Gatorade is going to get mad because I'm taking that Floramon out?"

"PATAMON!"

"Just a question!"

~*~

And thus ends one really…really weird Batpig.

What possessed you to write this one?

Nicki. And my own random stupidity. And gimp.