Hi, Im in danger of becoming an alcoholic. It is true and Im scared but I need that time where I forget myself and the problems I have. I started when my father died and I just cant seem to stop.

I felt myself slip with the nasty taste of it all. Its true, its nasty stuff, but I just ignore that and go on to Wonderland. I don't do any drugs, I just drink. I don't dream about tequila all day or talk about vodka. I just show everyone my normal life and hide my secret which is that I drink more and more.

It started once every week, then twice every two days, now its every night that I have more drinks. Possible hangovers are there but now Im just used to them and I take lots of Advil in the mornings, but then my mother wouldnt notice me wearing my sunglasses that early.

My mother is the reason why Im here in this new country, new house, new car, new dilemma. She married some well off Japanese man who studies mummies and what not. She didnt think of my brother or me when they decided to bring us with them here. She didnt know us or who our friends were. She didnt know our lives.

She didnt know her own children.

She's been married seven times and widowed about twice, but only one man is who I care about. My own father. He wasn't crazy and he wasn't drunk that night he ran off a bridge and it wasn't suicide because he was going to win a custody battle for my brother and me the day after. He wanted us forever and not just a day. He loved us and he would have never killed himself.

My mothers marriages make me think: Does real love even exist? Do people love each other at one point but then realized that they weren't the people they knew before and fall out of love with them? Does any of it ever last?

Does love last?

&&&

I was to go to the school and register my brother and me. When I was there though, passing by the classrooms just to get to the office in tacky blue slip ons, I knew the students saw me. They knew I was the new kid, a new kid with a body and a pretty face. I didnt want to have a pretty face, it was just a natural thing. I didnt wear any make up. I just shaped my eye brows and put on chap stick. My hair was no big deal, it just hung to my waist and was completely straight. I didnt want to be pretty.

I couldn't help my body either. I play tennis and do martial arts. I don't do this to impress, I do it because I can and I will and because Im good. I don't try to look sexy or like a slut. My body was never naturally skinny, I was fat in the sixth grade. My body now is muscular and fit. I couldn't help any of it.

I couldn't help it either when girls saw me as a threat to their own beauty and position in school, their stupid cliques. I ignored them my whole life, but had beaten them bad enough to make them stay away. Of course it was all self defense and I had friends who would admit the truth of what was really going on.

When I had to stop at the counter and talk with the lady behind it, I was completely in tuned with what I was supposed to do that I didnt notice the stare of a couple girls on the other side of the room. Well I didnt notice until bitch echoed throughout the room. I looked up, saw them, and I knew they were talking about me.

High school was just a phase we teens go through and then some of us just don't get over it and carry high school drama around with us forever. I just smiled at them and they just sneered. I could tell that the one girl with long black hair was their leader and can immediately tell we will not be going to get along.

I just ignore them and continue what ever the lady gave me. I was about done when the door slammed closed behind me. Slamming doors bugged me because mostly the person who did the slamming was some person that just cant go on with life and get over some pathetic reason.

Behind me stood a tall guy. Handsome? Yes, big time. Nice looking? Not a chance. This guy looked unwelcoming and wild. His body was slim but from the cloths he was wearing, it was all natural. You can say he caught my eye like I caught his because his unconscious stare was becoming annoying. Another guy with a conceded personality.

They lady called him over to where I stood signing papers and got into conversation with him. He was definitely talker then I am and stronger, but it was very intimidating to me. I dealt with guys like him before and they never ceased to bother me. They lady introduced us and his hand lingered in mine when I tried to pull away but he didnt let go. I looked at his face and there was a little smirk. Then I heard slut vibrate to my ear and I saw that the black hair girl was standing there, red face, obviously angry.

I had made an enemy.

&&&

When I got home, my mother was eating lunch with her husband number seven. She looked happy, but I felt like there was something about them being together was different from before. Something was completely and utterly different. I couldn't explain what but I knew it was there.

I headed up to my room and turned my stereo high and locked my door. I didnt want to be interrupted or disturbed. I didnt feel like have my brother ever seeing me the way I get when Im drunk. No one knew I drink except maybe Choco, my black cat. I guess he was a bit of a cryptic cat, always unpredictable like myself. Mysterious in our own way.

I down a bottle of tequila and lemon juice by and hour and headed on to Southern Comfort and a coke. I wasn't always this bad. I use to just drink one thing of rum with some pineapple juice, then I went for orange flavored vodka with ginger ale. The more I drank the more I wanted, the more I learned new drinks.

By twelve am, Saturday morning, I had down five bottles and seven cans of soda. I was beyond wasted and tired. My mind spun and hurt more and more by every minute. I could barely keep my eyes open and the world started to tilt. I could stand up right any more and I could no longer hear the blast from the stereo.

I was gone.

&&&

I had been in this new school for about three months already. I didnt socialize much and I hung out with my kid brother more than I did with kids my own age. He didnt know many kids his age either. We were outcast because we live not here our whole lives but in the Americas and Europe. We are the foreigners.

We are the gaijin.

Even though we were full blood of who everyone else was, it didnt matter. People here in the school have known each other since they were toddlers or they earned their respect over the course of time here. We were not respected and we knew no one from those barbies and hot wheel days, but we never really were lonely. There were others too. Others like us, we were just the newest. Those people hung with us but not by much. I wouldnt even consider them my friends just people who talk to me and I talk to them.

They told me though, they told me things about him. That guy in the office and his ruling Queen, the black hair girl. They were dominating the school and everyone knew who they were. King and Queen. Makes me sick just knowing this. I never went to a school were they actually had Kings and Queens, they were just the titles I gave to snotty kids.

Anyways, they say he's the son of a man who owns company that supports my own step fatherís business and I just didnt care. He was good at everything and all girls wanted him, but thats not my reason for talking about him, no. They said he was looking for someone else as a Queen and that he had already chosen her.

She had to have qualities like no other in this school. She had to be perfect. He was just a waste of my time. I didnt care that he wanted me or not. I didnt care to be the high and mighty queen. I just didnt care.

&&&

I was wanted to joined the tennis team at my step fathers country club. I couldn't even believe they had one here. I was given a letter one day and it came from the captain of the team. My step father told him about me and he had been watching me play my against my brother. He was my age and went to my school.

I didnt join his team because I had already joined the school team. I didnt want to compete with different countries, just different schools. I didnt want publicity about me in the world I just wanted to graduate and leave this damn city and country.

I was at a game in a neighboring school when someone shouted my name above me. It was my brother. His smile was sun shine to my eyes, but next to him stood the biggest asteroid I hate. Him. What was he doing with my brother I had no clue.

He said to meet him down by the gate. I was hot and sweaty, my cloths stuck to my skin. I was in not hurry to get there. I sat there for some time, just drinking my water and relaxing, getting my strength up. Until the end of the entire game, which we won.

Getting to the visitor locker room, taking a shower and getting dress, I had totally forgotten about him. Walking slow and thinking about nothing really, I bumped into something hard.

"What do you want?" I practically forced it out.

"Why, just to talk." He motioned me to continue on my way, but with him next to me. I watched him from the corner of my eye. He was handsome, like I said before, but his whole persona was just something I just didnt want to deal with.

"I want you to come to a party." Now that was totally not what I expected. I was thinking he was here to purpose to his future queen. He had broken up with his former queen and that didnt end up well. Heat on my back since that ungrateful day.

"Why should I?"

"Because," He grabbed my hand and pulled, I collided into his chest. His face was near mine and his breath smoothed over my nose. I hated these kinds of situations, they always made my body shake at the fact some guy was holding me and holding me very close, but then I was never one to back down.

He did it fast and he did it softly. I didnt do anything, but I had to admit. His lips were soft and they made my own lips tingle and I don't get kissed to often by guys. Its not bad for me to say I wanted more, but that went entirely against my way of thinking. I hated this guy but I wanted all of him.

"I can guarantee you'll be there." How the hell will he guarantee that?

&&&

I found out when my brother asked to go. My mother wanted me to go with him and I couldn't say no. He wanted fun and I couldn't take it away. So were at the party, he leaves me to myself and wonders off.

Great. I bring him and he leaves me. Well, that doesn't mean he wont be able to find me. He's always been able to find me since he was born. Once when he was still a little baby and crawling, he got out of his crib one night and crawled with me in bed. He was always like that, but he'd never admit to it.

Then out of no where, his hand grabs my wrist and Im being pulled outside. Pass all the on lookers and all the jealous girls. I ignored them and tried to get away from him. He just wont leave me alone. I don't want to be with him, not here.

He was smug that he was right and that Id be here. I could tell he was happy I was here but he didnt let it show at all. He just had that blank look on his face. It was a very cute face though. I didnt want to think it was very cute or very sexy or incredible hot. I didnt want to want him.

I wasn't really paying attention to him the half-hour he sat talking with me. I didnt drink any beer either, just a soda. He keep touching my face and hand, and Id just look at him. I didnt know what kind of feeling he was getting from me, but I knew he was trying to get something from me.

He didnt get far.

My brother came to me. I notice he could barely stand up and he face was really pale. Something was wrong. Seriously wrong. I dropped my drink and went to him. I was in a mad rush and he only took two steps when I was already grabbing onto him.

"Its real cold," his voice was just a whisper. I push my ear to his chests, I knew what was wrong. His heart wasn't beating regularly. It was slow. And like I knew so much, I knew he was drugged.

"The hospital is right down the road from here, right?" I held my brother tight to me and looked to him. He was the only one who could drive while i try to keep my brothers heart steady and still beating. He ushered us to his car, everyone watched as I carried my brother and followed him. As we drove, I felt my own heart speed up.

I couldn't lose my brother.

&&&

I was sleeping and pacing by my brothers bed for five hours. My mother and step father had been called and had got there ten minutes after we did. He had gone home after I said he was not needed here.

Then, mother sent me home. She said I needed to relax and not over worry. I would have never guess she knew how I felt.

"Are you kidding me? I watched you two. Even when he was a baby, I watched him crawl to you. I knew you two would ditch school just to have a day off. I knew you beat kids because they beat him. I know more than you know because I love you two."

She finally sounded like a mother. She did care and never showed it. I guess I get that from her except I showed I care for my brother all the time and she didnt at all. She watched us and we didnt know at all. She was clever and beautiful.

&&&

Going to school the next day, I had a mission. I knew who drugged his drink and I was going to get even and to the point. These people don't think, they just don't think at all. Don't think about who the person is and don't know what they person has if they have anything.

I found her with her friends out in the school courtyard. I felt my own skin warm and my anger just rise. I couldn't help it, this is how I get and when I get like this I have that urge to drink. I got up in her face and I could tell she knew what this was about.

"What do you want?"

"What I want is an answer. Like, why do you drug people who you don't even know?"

"You got in my way. You took him from me."

"So you get back at me through my brother!"

"Yes."

"Did you know he has a weak heart? Did you know he was going to die at any minute of any day? Did you know you gave him only a couple weeks left to live?" I could tell she was shocked, but she still had that annoyed look on her face. That bitch face. That Queen-bee face.

"I did not take him from you like you took my brother from me." I slapped her face and she was more shocked then before. I could see the imprint of my hand on her cheek and I noticed everyone looked at her and not at me.

I veiled their queen as a murderer.

&&&

My brother died seven days later. I couldn't stand anyone who came to talk to me. Mother tried to get me to eat, but I pushed her away and my step father told her to give me time.

I lost the one reason to not drink myself to death. I lost my reason to go to school. I lost the one person I loved most. So, I drank and drank. I didnt eat my three meals a day. I skipped school to the point mother got me on independent study.

But I just drank.

&&&

I sat in the chair, the grass at my feet, the wind still and even, the sun glaring down. My black dress hung still and my own hair itched my back. My hand held tight to the tissue in my hand and water splashed on my skin. I felt my tears run down my cheeks and to my chin.

He was really gone. His body fully in the ground and his face the same expression forever. Before, his body was warm, soft, and smushy. Then when I touched him in his coffin, he was cold, hard, and discolored even with the make up.

He wore his only suit that he liked. He said it showed his true self. Jeans and a black ACDC t-shirt. His favorite band and most comfortable shirt. He wouldnt have had it any way. I wouldnt have had it any other way and I talked my mother to have it that way.

Before they closed his casket though I kept my hands on his and knew he was going to be ok. I knew he wasn't going to be struggling with teen peer pressure any more and he wouldnt want me to keep fighting battles for him. He was strong in his heart, but it wasn't strong enough for the world.

I left him a picture of us.

&&&

I drank my self to near death that night. Mother was scared and my step father took charge. I couldn't tell if he was angry or not. I just drank and no one was going to stop me.

No one.

That is what I thought. I was just laying in my bed with my eyes closed. I couldn't get a drink, they took it all away. I was alone. Mother understood but she just felt my hurt and it hurt her to know that if my drinking got to the public nothing will be the same.

Nothing is the same anyways. I couldn't see my own brothers face. I couldn't think of one reason why I shouldn't drink myself to death, but he had a reason.

My bed shifted and the covers come over my body. I felt his hand on my arm and his own body next to me. There was no words from him, just the time with him. He knew somehow I didnt need anymore words. He knew I felt alone.

He turned me on my back and fresh tears cascaded into my hair. I could not hold all my sadness back and all my hope that went with my brother come out. I didnt know what my hope would go to now. I didnt know what to do now.

He wiped my tears and touched my cheek. His eyes, as beautiful as they were, were one thing I can look at and feel myself crumple up inside. I crumple up with the knowledge I lost my brother, Im drinking myself away, and someone still wants me here besides my mother.

He couldn't stay long though, but I felt our time together in the silence, was one moment I can never erase from my mind.

&&&

I creep in the night and steal the liquor from the kitchen. It was for cooking and no one knew I knew it was there, but they might when they find it gone. I could care less. I just needed that taste. That horrible taste that matched my life.

But by morning I was not in control...

&&&

Mother wouldnt let me out of her sight or near reach after that. I was in the hospital and almost died. She said she didnt want to loose her surviving child. She finally looked like a mother too. She gave up her blonde hair for her natural color of black, she no longer went to tan, and she stopped putting in her belly piercing.

This was the mother I missed seeing all this time and I never stopped to realize it. I only saw that she changed as timed changed her and never the way things were working for her.

"I loved so many men because I thought they were capable to be a father too both of you and a husband to me."

"Did you love my dad?"

"Yes, but he couldn't love me."

Love for him from her did not die, it died in him. He did not love my mother, but he still loved us. It was more than understandable, it was heart known. We were his blood after all and there was no reason why he should love us, it just was that he just love us. It was just natural for him to love us.

And I loved him.

"Don't you love me?"

Yes, I love my mother. Like my father loving us, me loving her was just natural.

&&&

"Im leaving."

"Leaving?"

"Yes, my step father has a job thing to do in America."

"For how long?"

"Listen, I don't want to go, but I have to. My mom wont leave me here."

"Your not coming back are you?"

"No."

"I can have my father send me with you."

"No. You have a life here and I don't want to to go because of me. You need to stay here. Your family is here and you have a brother to take care of. Just think Im three steps away from you."

"Why three?"

"My favorite number"

"When?"

"Three hours."

&&&

That was so long ago too. I left him behind and I left my brother behind with him. I had no life there and I couldn't be one person to hold him back. I was messed up then.

I continued my drinking escapade after I left. Mother didnt know and my step father didnt know. I graduated school and went on working for my step father. I did his filing, his money, everything because I asked for it.

But I still drank.

I had lovers too. They were no secret either. I partied with them, I made out with them. I did everything with them. We had fun doing normal things like amusement parks, fast food, a lot of things. Of course being my step fathers step daughter, I had publicity on me, but not all the time.

Now, Im back in the place I left behind. This place where my thoughts of meeting him again were created but had died as my life progressed. I felt like those images of our meeting would never come true and they didnt and probably never will. I did not keep touch with him because I was too messed up.

Then something stopped me.

I had stopped my drink escapade after ending up in a hospital a second time. No, I did not over drink, but something else happened that caused me to think. I was hurting my mother and step father. I was living with them because I could not hold a job and I could live with them forever. I had to prove I could be better. So I joined AA meetings, Alcoholic Anonymous. I had to make a live for one I could not provide.

To do this, I started at junior college classes and eventually, got into a four year university for my remaining two years. There I majored in English Lit. and writing. After I graduated, I worked for my step father in managing his finances, which I had college experience doing.

Through all this, I did one thing I could do to make my life a little more easier. I was telling to world of my life, of my brother, my mother and her husbands, my father, and the young man I had first loved and never told. I had to say what I had to say. It was relieving.

So, when I published my book I sold over 10 million nation wide in the United States, then world wide I sold more. People wanted to hear the story of a broken hearted, former alcoholic, who admitted to everything they had done right and everything they had done wrong. They wanted to be in someone else's life and they got mine.

They wanted to hear of my lost love.

&&&

I was surprised when I got a letter from the front desk of the hotel. I was more surprise when I saw who it was from. I stared at the senders name and walked deafly to the elevator and to my room, where I just collapsed and finally opened the flap.

It was from him. Him the one I loved and never told. Him, the one who still wanted me after all that happened after my brothers death. He still remembers me. It was hard to believe.

He wanted to met. Tomorrow. At a cafe. Down the street from his work. and at the end the letter was signed:

Sincerely,
Sesshomaru

&&&

"I didnt think you'd remember me," my hand played with the rim of my glass cup. Real crystal and the sound from it was beautiful.

"I remember a lot," Yes, Sesshomaru was a very clever, confusing, handsome man. He grew out of his boyish looks and into a more mature persona. I still wanted him, but I wont admit it to him or to the world. "I remembered your name when I saw your book."

"Where did you see my book?"

"My secretary was reading it."

"I didnt use real names."

"I wouldnt have mind."

"It just felt right."

"Is everything in it true?" No one has asked me that. Only certain parts but never the whole thing. Im even more surprised he read it, but then Im not.

"Yes."

"What made you change?"

"What do you mean?"

"What made you stop drinking?" It was the hardest question I had yet to answer. I ignored every time someone else asked me. I didnt want them to get that personal with my life, because if I did they would know my heart inside-out.

I looked at the water swirl in my cup. It only life was as simple as water, but its not. It would not be very great to tell someone the life thats like water. Clear, simple, tasteless. "I was pregnant, but lost the baby from drinking. I didnt even know."

"Now what are you going to do? You told the world your story. You have a life of your own. What are you going to do?"

"Truthfully, I have no idea."

We were completely done with lunch and walking to no where in particular, when he said, "I know what you need."

I was stumped. I didnt even know what I needed. I have no where to go from this point. Only to return home and continue my work with my step father and make my mother more happy that Im still alive.

He stopped, grabbed my hand, and pulled me slowly into his arms. Looking in his eyes, they shined and I felt numb. I was always lost in them, even when I didnt know it. They still make me thoughtless now.

His lips touched mine.

I was mindless and clueless. I had only kissed him once. It was possible for me to love him with just one kiss from him because before in fantasy I was always kissing him.

"You need a family."

"I do?"

"Yes, with me."

"Why you?"

"Because Im the one who loves you, Kagome."

End

OMG! Finally Im done! YAY! 10 pages you guys! 10 pages! And I didnt run out of ideas!

PLEASE REVIEW!!!