Title : It starts
Rating : R
Characters : Lavi/Timothy Hearst, mentions Allen/Kanda
Summary : Lavi/Timothy. From start to end (which is, really - another start). Allen/Kanda make random appearances. Also there are things being thrown by various people. It's all very cute - and mad.
Spoilers/Warnings : No spoilers. Also I'm pretending chapters 185 and beyond don't exist, so AU in 'those events didn't happen' way.
Disclaimer : DGM be Hoshino's baby, I write fic for no sane reason.
A/N : Written for dgm_fuh_q (Round 3: Lavi). I had lots of fun writing this, heh. Also with the rating and the pairing - erm it's not shota, I make Timothy age as the fic progresses. I tried to make the idea of Lavi and Timothy seem cute and believable so... it's not as weird as it sounds? ^^;
Oh and also, the guilt will kill me if I don't admit, I borrowed the gratuitous repetition of the line 'It starts' from a KHR fic (Solfège) by ranty_rie (on LJ) which is a lovely read. Hopefully, I borrowed nothing more ^^
It starts not with one but with several, like tiny interlocking rings of metal that join together. Like a mesh, like chain mail; armour, Lavi thinks and likes the analogy. Rings that clink and join together, events that merge together and make you who you are. Instances that form and forge and keep – protect, he thinks, to keep the analogy intact – protect a person from falling apart and fading into nothing.
It starts not with one but with several things.
It starts not once but several times.
---
It starts with him doing his job. Timothy Hearst steps into the Black Order and within 48 hours Bookman Jr knows every scrap of information regarding the newest exorcist.
Ferreting out information is easy, all it takes is big smiles and waves and knowing when to listen, when to talk, when to wheedle. It's easy as pie, his whole life has been about knowing truths behind truths, secrets hidden in lies, and a nine year old boy can only have so many secrets.
-
It starts when he finally meets the brown eyed, blue haired boy. Said boy ploughs through him and skates away (wearing skates in the Black Order?) running from an utterly irritated woman. A child, he thinks in amusement, some life in the order. Then he sees Kanda and Allen exchanging death threats and hears about the newest bizarre invention and thinks the Order has a little too much life and Timothy fits in just fine.
-
It starts with a more civilized meeting, when in the library Lavi finds him sprawled over textbooks nearly sobbing and the pretty brown haired woman hovering over him with an air of frightening determination.
Tutoring, lessons, he remembers the time when he used to be drilled constantly, taught without break and randomly attacked to become stronger. The difference appears to be that Lavi wanted to learn, wanted to know. The kid looks like he's ready to jump out a window.
When the woman (Emilia, he learns) leaves for a bit, he reaches over and explains what is ridiculously simple because the boy looks like he understood nothing.
The kid looks delighted and sparkly-eyed and Bookman Jr feels a puff of pride because clearly he's a very good teacher.
And then the boy promptly tries to shove all his work on him.
Such a child, Lavi thinks as Lau Shimin hops on a book and scares Timothy senseless.
-
It starts when they get sent on a mission together and Timothy looks excited at the prospect of no studying.
It goes to hell when Bookman Jr discovers they are terrible together.
It's a huge shock.
Lavi has always been able to fight with ease with Old Panda and Kanda and Allen and Lenalee and Krory; he's been able to always work and fight well with all kinds of people, like clay that can be moulded, an observer that fits into any role.
Timothy abandons his body and Lavi's left in charge of it, which he does not expect and it's annoying to be left to guard a limp body and he feels like, like, like – and Lenalee would punch him for this, but he feels like a stereotypical girl.
Then the currently- possessed-by-the-Great- Timothy-Hearst-level-two-akuma gets thrown towards Lavi by the level three.
The redhead evades it easily, but since lifeless bodies can't do similar feats of athleticism and he realizes that only after there's an exorcist flying in the air; he ends up spending several minutes scrabbling over the edge of a goddamn cliff trying not to drop a deceptively heavy ten year old.
Lenalee arrives to help, bless that woman, and she thinks its funny to watch as an akuma and exorcist scream at each other while Lavi tries not to let go and just let Timothy Hearst get dashed into tiny, tiny, small pieces.
Lenalee, Lavi thinks, for the nth time, is a truly terrifying woman.
-
It starts when he keeps getting assigned with Timothy and he thinks the Black Order must really hate him.
Both of them always wind up with bruises and scratches with lots of yelling in between, but the job's always done.
It jolts him when Bookman throws him out a window and says he should stop acting like a child.
He doesn't remember being a child, he hasn't been a child since he's been Bookman Jr and he's been that for what feels like a lifetime. It's unnerving.
-
It starts when Road tries to take over his mind. Again.
Lavi is left feeling wounded and wonders if there is a sign on his head that says 'For Rent'. He knows how to break out of her dream world, but Timothy doesn't know he knows and decides possessing him and fighting off Road in his head together is a good idea.
It is a terrible nightmare.
It feels like someone is trying to force themselves in his head and all he can do is hear screaming and yelling and it feels like everything is dying in and around him.
When he opens his eye he realizes back up has arrived and all is well.
Timothy seems huddled in the corner and Lavi reaches to pat the eleven year old reassuringly because something happened, something he doesn't know but obviously something that requires comfort – but the boy flinches. He flinches and stares at Lavi with wide horrified eyes.
Bookman Jr leaves him there and goes to help Allen fight.
-
It starts when Timothy doesn't get assigned with him.
Lavi thinks he should celebrate but wonders if the boy said anything and that stings a little, but it shouldn't because he's Bookman Jr and he's only supposed to do his job.
-
It starts to unravel when Timothy, aged twelve and now curious and not just a brat finally does approach and asks, why does he have so many people in his head.
Bookman Jr explains who he is, explains his job, explains his aliases, the names, the identities. He explains and the kid listens.
When he's done the kid says he's crazy. Also, all the people in his head are rude and kept yelling at him and won't let the Great Timothy help and they're all great big twats. Also, the boy takes a deep breath, no one can not have a heart and clearly Lavi's the insanest of them all for believing that shit.
Timothy then throws a potato at him and Lavi realizes they've just had some sort of manly bonding complete with abuses. So he throws a spoon back.
-
It starts when the war ends.
Surprisingly the Noah turn out to be more of a trouble than taking care of the Earl. The Noah are vengeful and furious and tricky and the war doesn't end till they're all finally killed.
Allen looks hollowed out, almost transparent and a bit startled to be alive.
He isn't the only one.
Kanda looks solid and there but there's an edge of vulnerability in him that is surprising and unexpected.
Everyone notices, but no one says anything as they become inseparable. Watching them sit together, Bookman Jr observes how close their hands and fingers are, how they're not coy or blushing but too worn out and not strong enough to function as two people separately but can survive as two broken halves together.
It's bittersweet and heart wrenching and painful and melancholy and beautiful and Lavi is jealous.
He has always loved, has had a heart larger than most and he has known them for years, longer than anyone he's ever known. Years and he's loved them, truly loved them, he's loved Lenalee too, but he's loved the two of them more. Just because they're too strong and too determined not to need anyone, Lavi finds himself wanting to help them more, love them more because they act like they don't need it.
And watching them together, without them realizing they are together, it hurts and he wishes he could be a part of that. But Bookman have no need for a heart, no need to be part of things, so he decides to stop observing and get some fresh air.
It can be blamed on alcohol.
Alcohol is nice, it is warms and crackles and dulls everything. It's beautiful and rich and entrancing. It blurs people's edges and makes them say and do things they want to do.
It's a damn pity he has incredible capacity for all things booze.
He's not drunk, but feeling content and mellow and old and walking towards the aim of getting some fresh air from the currently-mostly-drunk and happy Black Order when he stumbles into a Timothy who clearly can't hold his drink and who would let a fourteen year boy drink and he smiles because it's funny and silly and –
Timothy Hearst decides to slobber into his mouth.
It starts, admittedly, really, entirely, with that.
---
Timothy wakes up hung-over and sick and why did he think drinking was a good idea and his head hurts.
"So you're awake".
It's damn right rude to do that to someone who is too bewildered to think and if Lavi's tone is any indication he knows that.
Timothy tries back to get back into bed but he gets dragged out and oohh Lavi is mean and doesn't let him and he's thrown into the bathroom which is okay as he doesn't mind sleeping on the floor so what the hell but the redhead throws water all over him and he's forced to be awake.
When he totters out, head a little more clear he realizes it's still dark outsight.
"What time is it?"
"Six a. m.," replies the devil.
Timothy stares. Bookman Jr looks unfazed and what the hell.
"Was that your first?"
Was what his – and then he remembers. Oh.
Oh.
Oh fuck.
He remembers that very terrible, horrible kiss and now he's going to be killed.
Timothy is tempted to scoot away but self preservation brat-like instincts kick in and he snaps, "Of course not! I've been with lots of –"
"With a man?"
"Well, no – but it's the same thing and how does that make a difference?"
"It's the first," Lavi says cryptically, "people seem to be very fond of 'firsts'".
"Women are fond of firsts, dumbass," Timothy is not sentimental and the moron is a moron and a double dumbass for thinking it would bother him.
Bookman-moron smiles at that and this is a very odd conversation.
"Still," he says, "they're somewhat important".
He stalks towards Timothy and Timothy knows he's going to be smashed into tiny pieces and Tsukikami is whimpering behind the headache refusing to help and –
Lavi towers over him and and and and –
the bastard kisses him.
It must be revenge, thinks Timothy, some sort of 'You kiss sloppily and I'll show you how much you don't know you idiot ha ha!'
But it's a very chaste kiss. It makes all his other ones seem like big slobbering violent passionate ones.
"Firsts are important," the freak mutters trying to sound elusive and wise afterwards. And then promptly whacks Timothy on the head, "You're never drinking again, you're a terrible drunk".
And then he stares at Timothy, waiting as if – and well Timothy doesn't really want to do anything. He should throw something at him, a pillow or a boot to break the – the air. But Lavi looks relieved, nods and then leaves muttering about breakfast like everything is perfectly normal.
It's a tethering moment, like the centre, the very tip and Timothy has to tread carefully.
He wants everything to be normal, he doesn't want his stupidity rubbed into his face so yes – this is perfect.
But –
But why kiss then?
And it's not as if that's turned him into a hormonal mess with uncontrollable desires – it – nothing.
Nothing.
And then Timothy Hearst makes a mistake, he thinks.
Acting by instinct and not thinking also leads to all sorts of unexpected things, but thinking, stopping and thinking is what snowballs it into something more tangible, something he'll have to deal with.
He sits blankly and starts to think.
He later discovers why he was woken up at that ungodly hour when they leave. The war is over and the Bookmen and his apprentice have recorded everything and there's no reason to stay.
So they leave.
He leaves after breakfast and they're a lot of people being sentimental and the only ones that aren't are the Bookmen.
And Timothy is struck by the realization that he should have thrown a boot at him just so he isn't left with nothing and thinking and all things weird.
But then he's gone and Timothy, whether he wants it or not, is left with that inexplicable nothing.
--
Sixteen years old and off the leash from the Order, but very much under its comforting pension, Timothy finds himself feeling bored.
The Black Order is there and isn't. Exorcists are needed and not really. There is that fear, that tiny fear that the Earl left a few nasty surprises and as a few akuma do pop up – the exorcists are needed, but it's only a few surprises and for the most part – the Order isn't needed.
There is no need for them all, one exorcist is enough, Lenalee is enough and soon everyone leaves in trickles.
Timothy left with a bang, just to not be the one left watching others ago. He left the newest Koumrin loose and ran before chaos erupted.
From afar he observed things being blown up and noises and explosions and thought that Koumi was really a terrifying scientist.
He did, first, what he thought every sixteen year old was supposed to do and got rid of his virginity.
Afterwards he tried to get drunk and do it all over again. Several times.
Mission being accomplished he decided to travel because there was nothing else to do. He saw the orphanage first; saw it was still flourishing and left without meeting the director, goodbyes sucked and he didn't want to say them again.
He went to Spain because it sounded fun.
And then to Italy which was fun.
And England and so many other places and it was only after he turned eighteen did he realize he was aimless.
Not useless because he'd killed a couple of those nasty surprises left by the Earl but aimless because he didn't know what to do.
He didn't feel needed, he felt – nothing.
So he tried to fall in love, because that was the stuff of not-nothings, right?
Apparently that wasn't easy; it didn't happen and with every woman that left the nothing spread until he felt it was weighing him down.
Why, he sat and thought.
And then he knew because, because –
Because he wasn't normal, because he could close his eyes and see blood and war and none of them did and he felt weird. Odd. Out of place, like he didn't need to exist. Like he wouldn't exist with any of the people that walked so normally, couldn't identity with them, couldn't be them.
Tsukikami murmurs in his head and he doesn't feel so alone. And then he remembers the Bookmen and that idiot because he started the damn feeling of nothing.
He wanted to feel like he belonged, so he trotted to Japan.
---
It starts with a knife being thrown and Timothy wonders why on earth he had thought they'd be weird and sappy together. Allen looks delighted at seeing him; Kanda looks the same terrifying person.
They don't kick him out even though Kanda looks like he wants to.
So he tells them about his travels and crazy adventures and Allen turns seven shades of angry red till he promises he returned that big ole jewel, he just wanted to know if he could steal it, he didn't really steal it! And he left it in a tree and no one was blamed!
Kanda snorts like he's nuts and silly and Timothy gets the really uneasy feeling that he probably is.
Lenalee drops in, which is a surprise. Then he discovers that though the Black Order has drifted it hasn't fallen apart and they're still strung together by tiny strings.
He hears about Miranda. About Krory. About Marie. About Reever. Koumi and Johnny and by the time Allen stops talking, Timothy is fast asleep.
Over the days he develops a sudden fixation with tea which Kanda seems to grudgingly approve of and Timothy knows they're all mad now.
A tiny regret pinches as realises the Order is together and if only he hadn't been daft and ran out, he too could have kept in touch.
Everyone's fine and together and still bound by so many years together and there's only Lavi missing.
And then he remembers with frightening clarity why at fourteen he'd decided to kiss Lavi.
He had been watching them, watching the two and Timothy had seen that small play of jealousy and loneliness and thought it was very sad and all those voices in his stupid smart head and not a heart among them all and he felt a chill run through him; no heart, nothing. So he'd kissed him because he thought that being lonely sucked, he knew it did and also because Lavi was a fool who thought he had no heart when he clearly, really had one.
So he mutters it out loud one day when Kanda is nearby, because Allen he thinks will try to do or say something. Kanda, he thinks, will not react. He babbles about everything minus the drinking and kissing because it's embarrassing but about Lavi and his general gigantic sense of stupidity.
Kanda, as predicted doesn't react and Timothy feels a bit relieved but worried because he knows what it's like to be alone and he can imagine it will be worse for someone who seems determined not to exist. Bloody Bookmen being bloody fools, he babbles and babbles.
He stops once he realizes he is babbling.
Kanda looks at him curiously. It's embarrassing.
"Belgium," he snaps.
"What?"
"The rabbit is in Belgium," and Kanda sounds annoyed at having repeating things.
"I thought he cut all ties?"
He did, Timothy should know, he'd asked Koumi once before he left just so that he could throw something at him and not having to remember him leaving with a bloody cryptic kiss.
"The idiot doesn't let people go," Kanda grouses tentatively as if Allen will pop out of nowhere and hear, what clearly to Kanda is now a term of endearment and that would be weird.
And sappy, thinks Timothy. He's tempted to make some sort of joke about 'Like he didn't let you go' but remembers the knife being thrown and keeps his tongue in check.
-
He leaves but he doesn't go to bloody Belgium.
He calculates and thinks Lavi at twenty seven will be old and even more of a fool so really – why bother and most of all why and chooses not to think.
He goes instead to India and thinks they're all really mad there and it's brilliant and maybe he fits.
But he doesn't.
It's like an itch and he remembers how when he was with Allen and Kanda there was no itch. But there was also the sense he wasn't needed. Like with Lenalee. He fit with them but he wasn't needed and everyone in the Order had clung together and –
He pries himself apart and realizes the nothing is with Lavi was an absence of emotion. It wasn't so much as love or hate or lust or anything really – it was odd but comforting.
Timothy Hearst is odd, so it doesn't surprise him.
-
After gnawing himself apart for days he calls them. Kanda picks up the phone, more like growls into it in warning and Timothy squeaks a bit.
"Russia," Kanda snaps after Timothy babbles. And then he promptly slams the phone down.
Timothy holds the phone and thinks Kanda hasn't mellowed one bit, Allen's clearly a bad influence.
He trots to Russia to find him for no damn reason he can think of.
-
He finds him. Easily. Far too easily for it to not freak Timothy out.
Lavi doesn't look old or craggy but on the other hand looks nice. Really nice if the women staring at him are to be believed. A bit too nice, Timothy reluctantly admits and throws a snowball as a way of saying hello.
He looks absolutely startled and Timothy laughs a bit hysterically.
-
Alcohol again, what is the connection with alcohol and growing up?
Still, he reminds himself that he's not fourteen and he won't do silly things again. But Lavi is looking at him like he expects Timothy to make a grand spectacle of himself right in front of all the people.
"Bookman," he corrects and Timothy notices the singular, no prefix, suffix, anything, the only one and he realizes.
He then ignores all signs pointing towards maturity and calls him 'Lavi' again.
He twitches every time Timothy calls him 'Lavi' and it's a little twitch, barely there but it's there so Timothy doesn't stop calling him that.
He increases the frequency of the name the more he drinks and wonders why the nothing won't go away and what did he expect?
-
Timothy wakes up hung-over again.
Lavi announces, "You seem to like drooling on my neck".
Despite the silent pounding in his head he knows he did nothing, except maybe, fall asleep on him but that's okay.
"Where are you going now?"
And Lavi flinches at the possibility of why he wants to know.
-
It starts as a game.
He doesn't know what to do and he doesn't know what he wants to do and he thinks Lavi with the bright red hair is good enough as a target.
So he follows him.
Over states and cities and places and dignity streets and grand palaces and dusty libraries and it drives Bookman slightly mad.
"Bookman," he keeps correcting.
"Lavi," Timothy repeats.
Timothy realizes, finally, after watching Bookman ferret out information and watching him pretend he's several things and several names; he finally realizes what makes him want to prod him.
"You're still trying to have no heart, aren't you?"
"Look. It's not very tough, I don't know why you don't understand Bookman have no need –"
And because he hasn't thrown anything at Lavi after that snowball, it catches Lavi by surprise when he flings a boot at him.
-
It starts with them not talking and Timothy mutinously trailing behind.
"No heart, eh?" he growls at the air beside Lavi when Lavi calls Allen and Kanda regularly.
He repeats that when the moron feeds a starving cat.
He chants that when the fool destroys a stray akuma.
He whispers that as he helps an old lady.
He keeps telling the air above, besides and below Lavi that he has no heart. Timothy says it as mockingly as he can. He wants to prod, poke and annoy him. He knows the number of aliases and voices with no heart have increased, he remembers the big nothing weighing him down and thinks people shouldn't have that to go through that. So he pokes and pushes and prods and knows he's being really stupid.
-
It starts when Lavi starts to sounds tired, worn out and cracked and it is Timothy's fault and he wants him to break and why, but he does, he hates the mask of Bookman.
"What do you want?" he asks and he sounds resigned.
Nothing, Timothy thinks, nothing he can think of in all honestly and kisses him as an answer.
He wants the nothing in him to go away and he wants the nothing that is the Bookman to go away and thinks together they can do that. So he kisses him again.
Very bad idea, Timothy admits, wanting something to break when that could be the only thing in them.
Idiotic, he admits and yanks Lavi's scarf off.
He's too busy losing himself to everything that's nothing but heat and desire to think of consequences, so he reacts on instinct and grinds, wiggles and spreads his legs.
Lavi seems to intent on being slow, but that's too slow and Timothy really, really doesn't want to embarrass himself yet.
So he uses Tsukikami. Which is all sorts of weird reasons for using his Innocence and he can hear him blanch but he ignores it, too focused on breaking and nothing.
Taking possession of the Bookman's body is a hard task and his head starts to pound and the sense that he doesn't belong here starts to spread, the soft whisper of voices complain. So he forces himself to ignore, forces himself to think of sex and touching and that's distracting and hot.
He looks at his naked limp body and thinks the position will be all uncomfortable and weird legs in the air, so he flips himself over, it's a little odd handling his own body, hesitates, hopes Lavi doesn't kill him and pushes in and lets go.
He snaps his eyes open to see the pillow and waits for murder, hopefully, not before sex.
There is silence and panic is spreading when he feels Lavi shudder behind him along his spine, he watches Lavi's fingers grip the sheet threatening to tear it to shreds, he hears the moron finally rasp out, "Brat".
Timothy feels victorious. Until everything snaps back to him and he feels and it hurts –
He yells loudly.
"This is why I was going slowly," and he sounds too, too calm for someone having sex.
Timothy whimpers in response. His ass feels like it'll crack open and it hurts and hurts and hurts and why would men do this? They don't need to shove things in places where things don't need to be shoved if it hurts so damn much.
He swears and abuses and curses until Lavi starts trying to comfort him.
"Relax" and bastard at least has the decency to sound a little strained.
"Relax," Lavi repeats and distractingly strokes his stomach.
A little lower thinks Timothy, a little low – ah.
-
It starts with him positively drooling over the bed. He grips the sheets and forces air into his perpetually open mouth and moans. Behind him Lavi continues, slow, infuriatingly slow but he decides not to complain or use Tsukikami, lesson learnt.
There is a spot, an angle, a place he thinks, and every time Lavi touches, thrusts, his eyes go cross-eyed and he slobbers all over the sheets, buries his head in the pillow and thinks for the nth time, sex is wonderful.
It helps, so very much that the redhead seems to know a lot. He seems to know where to touch him; how to touch him and it can't be the same with everyone so clearly Bookman is smart. Stupidly fast learning and he's got Timothy tense and thrumming and making embarrassing noises and wanting, wanting, being teased, wanting till he's rocking into the air about ready to cry from exasperation.
Fuck.
It's sweaty and very messy and brilliant and as Lavi's hand speeds up on his cock, too damn good.
-
Afterwards he lies on his back and thinks he feels something, something, apart from being made out of jelly and hurt and utterly drained, something that's not nothing. And not so alone.
He tries to make everything change and start, so he reaches out tentatively because he thinks he fits, just a little, just a bit and he knows he's needed because everyone has a heart and someone who is in denial of one needs to be reminded of it and –
Lavi, arm sprawled over his eyes, whispers out, "You're like a plague".
"Lavi," he mocks because it's a hammer (ha, ha) with which to crack and break him bit by bit.
"La-vi," he repeats, like it's a silly song.
It starts when he doesn't object.
It starts when instead of letting Timothy follow like a pet, he waits for him.
It starts when Timothy throws a potato and Lavi a spoon and it's perfect.
It starts when there is no longer nothing between them.