AUTHORESS'S NOTES: All my comments will be in []. The characters' thoughts will be in {}. And, some actions and emotions are in (). Get? Reader(s): GOT IT! GOOD!
SCENE: Brightly lit stage with main curtains drawn.
*Out steps everyone favorite neko-jin walks onstage, dressed up in tux and wearing a smile like an info-merical host. *
Chaine: Konichi wa, mina-san! This is your beloved host, Chaine-sama! (Waits for the applause, but gets only silence. A cricket chirps in the distance.) * Clicks his tongue. * Okay, I assume you all ready for our feature presentation, but before we get under way, there are several warnings I'm obligated to give. First, this fic WILL contain YOAI and shouen-ai related material. If you don't know what the freak YOAI is, let me enlighten you: its guy and guy relationships. Yes, that's right: HOMOSEXUALITY. So, if you don't like those kinds of shenanigans, BUGGER OFF! (Sound of a few people leaving.) All right, next, there will be some use of strong language and more conventional adult situations, hence why this fic is rated 'PG-13'. And finally, a note on the cast: This is solely a Gundam Wing fic. There will be NO cameos by any characters form other anime. No...nada...zip...zilch....NONE! Let me say this one more time: There will be no...
*As if on cue, Trunks [DBZ], walks onstage, pushing a piano in front of him. *
Trunks: Umm...Chaine-san. Where should I put this?
Chaine: (Annoyed.) Trunks-kun, didn't I tell you to wait backstage until I finished the intro?
Trunks: Well...yes, but then that guy with the braid started making passes at me, AGAIN!
Chaine: *Sighs. * Figures he'd do that. Look, just plant you sorry monkey butt in the orchestra pit.
*Relieved, Trunks leaves, pushing his piano along with him. *
*Duo prances onstage. *
Duo: Oi, Abel! Have you seen that gorgeous purple haired bishouen around here?
Chaine: (Going SD enraged.) WHY YOU LITTLE...
*Chaine grabs him by the throat and proceeds to throttle the overly perky Gundam pilot. Another curtain falls. *
*Cautiously, Xellos [Slayers] pokes his head out and looks around, before trotting on out into the spotlight. *
Xellos: (Smiling as usual.) Well, since Chaine is preoccupied at the moment, I guess I have to finish the intro. So, without further adieu my dear friends, we proudly present:
Gundam Wing Does "Dracula"
SCENE: A Rumanian village deep in the heart of the Balkans, circa 1880 or so, just before sunset.
*A carriage pulls up to an inn and out steps a dapper young English man. *
Duo (As Renfield): May, what a charmingly quaint little village! (Grimaces in distaste.) Man, that line suck! Who the hell wrote this script, FUNamition?
*An elderly innkeeper [Howard] walks over to him. *
Howard: Excuse me, sir. There are plenty of rooms here for you to spend the night.
Duo: No thank you. I have an appointment with the Count this evening, so I have to be going.
Howard: (Goes SD from shock.) You aren't serious about this?
Duo: You bet your wrinkled butt I am! Now, where can I get a ride up to the castle?
Howard: (Still SD.) Are you crazy? This place is rife with the most vile and foul undead beasts! If you so much as set foot out doors after the sun has set, they'll get you! And don't even get me started on the Castle!
Duo: (Sarcastic.) Oh no! Not the vile undead! Oh, woe is me, what ever shall I do? Do you really believe all of this vampire bullshit?
Howard: (Nods.)
Duo: ... Okay...Well, if you're quite done, I really have to be going now.
*A mysterious, black carriage rolls to a stop in front of the inn. *
Duo: Wow, now that's convenient.
*He starts to board the carriage. *
Voice: Wait!
*Out of nowhere, Noin, dressed up like Luna from 'Lunar Story Complete' [Trust me, if you've seen that outfit, you'd be having a fit right about now. - V-chan], bounds up to Duo. *
Noin: (Doing a crappy Gypsy impersonation.) Oh, please my dear Herr do not go! There is much danger laying ahead if you choose to travel at night. The mountains are crawling with...
Duo: I know, I know! There are vampire loose in those mountains! (He picks up his luggage.) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment to keep!
Noin: Very well, but please take this. (She offers Duo her rosary. [You know, one of those crosses on the beads.]) It's holy aura shall protect you against the vile undead.
Duo: Oh no, I couldn't possiblly...
Noin: Please!
Duo: (Whips out his own rosary.) But I've already got one!
Noin: (Dropping the accent) Look, just take the damn thing!
Duo: (Annoyed) Okay, okay...{Geez, don't have a cow!}
*He takes the rosary and climbs into the carriage. With it's passenger safely (Well, reasonable safe that is!) aboard, the carrige speeds off toward the onimious Castle Dracula! 'Oniomious Piano Music!'
SCENE: Outside the forbodding Castle Dracula. 'Onimious Piano Music!'
*The carriage stops just inside the courtyard.*
Driver [Rashid]: My Herr, we're here.
*Duo exits the carriage and stares at the Castle (More Onimious Piano Music!) as the driver unloads his luggage.*
Duo: Whoa! Hey, who'd the Count rent this place off of, Rob Zombie? (He turns around, but the driver and the carriage have vanished.) Okay, this is getting creepy.
*He picks up his bags and walks up to the door. Hesitantly, he grasps one of the hideous doorknockers and tries to pull it back, but it's rusted to the plate. Instead, he timidly knocks on the door. With a belabored groan, the door swings open. Slowly, he walks into the dark, empty hall.*
Duo: (Looking around.) Well, looks like nobody's home. (Nervous laugh.) Guess I'll be going back to the villag now! (He bolts for the door, but it slams shut in his face.)
Voice: Now, now, Mister Renfield. I assure you that won't be necessary.
*Standing at the top of the staircase is Trowa [Who, if you haven't guess by now, is Dracula!], dressed in an evening suit. [Well, the late 19th equivalent of one!]
Trowa: I'm glad to see that you've arrived safely form England, Mister Renfield.
*He floats elegantly down the staircase. [Literally!]
Duo: (Awed.) ooooohhhh...spiffy!
Trowa: (Stares blankly at Duo.) ...
Duo: Yes...well, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, Count Dracula. (Reaches out his hand to shake.)
Trowa: (He grasps his hand in a vice-like grip.) You are most welcome in my home, Mister Renfield.
Duo: ITAI!!! (Weakly.) Trowa...could...you...let...go...of...my...hand...PLEASE!!
Trowa: Opps! errr... Sorry. (He lets go of him.) You must be tired and faminished from your journey, so allow me to offer you my hospitality. [HORSE-BRUTALITY! ^.^]
Duo: (Face lighting up at the mention of food.) Thank you! You're just too kind!
*Trowa leads him upstairs to a cozy little room with a table laden with food, an immense fireplace, and two huge [And when I say huge, I mean HUGE!] windows.*
Duo:
Duo: (Drooling.) Nice spread! [Not that kind of spread, preverts!] (He seats himself at the table and plows into the food.)
Trowa: Feel free to eat as much as you like. (He steps into the shadows near one of the windows.) I've already dined tonight, so I hope you'll excuse me for not dining with you.
Duo: (Between mouthfuls.) No problemo, senor!
*Wolves began to howl in the distance.*
Trowa: (Erriely silohuetted in front of the window.) Listen to them- The children of the night. What music they make! (Notices that Duo has stop eatting and is staring at him.) Forgive me, you must be tired! (He takes a lamp and lights it.) Allow me to show you to your room.
Duo: Uh...okay. {Man, I hope this isn't one of those lemon fics. Otherwise, Quatre's gonna kill me...}
*Trowa leads him down the hall to a spacious bedroom. (Duo sweatdrops.)*
Duo: GULP! {Okay, now I know I'm not going to like this...}
Trowa: GULP! {GOD, I hope she isn't making this a lemon scene...}
[I'm evil, aren't I? BWAHAHAHAHA!! ~ V-chan.]
Duo: (Nervously taking the lamp.) Thank you for...your hospitality. [HORSE-BRUTALITY!]
Trowa: No, thank you, my dear, dear guest. {Oh *bleep*! This is a LEMON!}
*Both whip out their scripts and check to make sure this ain't a lemon scene. [Which it isn't! PG-13, doncha' know.]*
Duo: Thank GOD!
Trowa: You said it, man! (Getting back in character.) Sleep well, Mister Renflied.
*He closes the door, leaving an unnerved Duo to get ready for bed. He crawls int the vast canopy bed.*
Duo: {It'd be a mircale if I can sleep in a messed up place like this!} (He yawns.) Well...maybe...I...just...*SNORE!* (He dozes off.)
*A few moments later, two scantily clad vampiress [Hilde and Dorothy.] float into the room and start doing...'ahem'...'naughty' things to the bedposts.*
*Groggily, Duo looks up and facevaults.*
Duo: HUH?! Who the hell are you...and what the freak are you doing to the furniture?!
*Hilde and Dorothy look at each other, than at Duo. They grin evilly and crawl into the bed.*
Duo: (Sweatdrop.) Now...ladies...let's not...do anything...rash...
*They cuddle up to Duo and start groping him.*
Duo: Uh...wait a sec... Isn't this fic supposed to be rated "PG-13"?!
*Ahem! NEway, they start doing...errr...'naughty' things to Duo.*
Duo: (Freaking out.) HEY! STOP THAT! This is WRONG! This is VERY, VERY WRONG!
*They start going at more enthuastically.*
Duo: (Getting into it.) This...is...*groan*...wrong! This is...*sigh* wrong... This is... Awah what the hell! WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY *bleep*-ING BRAINS OUT!!!!!
*Things start to get...err, AHEM! Well, you know... when Trowa walks by the wide open door. He does a double take.*
Trowa: What the... EXCUSE ME, LADIES!! [oooooohhh...cat-fight! MEEEEOOOOW! HISS-HISS!]
*They stop what [who! *Snicker*] they were doing and look up at him in surprise.*
Hilde: Awah shit!
Dorothy: And right at the fun part, too!
Trowa: ...! (DEATH GLARE!) OUT!
Hilde: Awaaaah...come on! Can't we play with him some more?
Dorothy: Pretty please?
Torwa: (Even deadlier DEATH GLARE!) *GROWLS!*
Hilde: Alright... {*bleep*-hole!}
Dorothy: You never let us have any fun! {FAG!}
*They stomp out of the room. Trowa sit down beside Duo.*
Duo: (Confused.) What the hell just happened?
Trowa: Nothing. You were having a nightmare, nothing more. [Erotic Nightmares/ Beyond any Measure!/ And Sensous Daydreams/ To treasure Forever......]
Duo: But I could have swron that there were two half-naked women in the bed with me, and they were doing the most obscene things to me! (Softly.) And the sick part is...I liked it!
*Offstage...*
Vegeta [DBZ]: You would, wouldn't you? YOU SICK LITTLE *bleep*!
Zelgadis [Slayers]: DUO NO HENTAI!! [Translation: "Duo's a perv!"]
Chaine: (Whacking both upside the head with a mallet.) I told you guys, NO CAMEOS!!
Trowa: (Sweatdrop.){Okay...} Methinks you are so fatiqued from you travels that you're halluicinating. (Smiles politely.) Perhaps I can help you sleep better with an old Romanian technique and rid you of those nightmares.
Duo: (Yawning.) Otay.
Trowa: (Sternly looking into his eyes.) Look deeply into my eyes and listen to the sound of my voice: You are getting sleepy...Very sleepy. You're eyelids are growing heavy...drooping... You will....
*Duo thups against him, asleep [...and drooling.]*
Trowa: {Great...} Duo...Wake-up Duo. (Getting pissed.) GET THE HELL OFF OF ME, DAMMIT! You fell asleep too soon! {BAKA!}
Duo: Opps...Sorry, my bad!
Trowa: (Serious again.) *AHEM!* As I was saying... You will obey my every command. You're only desire is to do my bidding and insure my safety. {Oh man...THAT didn't sound right...}
Duo: {I KNEW! THIS IS A LEMON!} Umm...no!
Trowa and Duo take out their script.
[AGAIN WITH THE SCRIPTS! Geez... Don't they trust me?]
Both: No, we DON'T!
Duo: Well...looks like we're safe...for now.
Trowa: Well, let's get it over with!
Duo: Otay! (Back in character.) Yeeeessss, master. {God, now THAT really doesn't sound right!}
Trowa: Good! (Gets up and starts toward the door.) Now get some rest, for tommorrow night we shall be on our way to London! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
'EVEN MORE ONIMIOUS PIANO MUSIC!!'
....And so, Duo succumbs to the darkest. Will V-chan continue her annoying "Rocky Horror" references? Will there be even more unwanted cameos? And what of the rest of the Gundam boys? Percisely what sort of depraved, sick, twisted things does she have in store for them in "Part 2"? Well, you just have to wait and see! Until the next fic! V-CHAN
Ja-na!