For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!
Pairing(s)/Characters: Draco and Hermione
January Prompt: New Year's Resolutions – one kept, one broken
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Word count: less tjhamn a googol (1235)
Author's Notes: I've alerday been riting the kiss at midnight thang in another fic so this one is going to be resolutioons made and broke. Yeah. That's it.
A Winner: Won the "FUNNIEST ENTRY", "BEST USE OF PROMPT", and the "FAVOURITE ENTRY" awards at the LJ January 2012 FirewhiskeyFic Fest.
IN A PUB IN DIABOG ALLY, BNOT THE LEACY CAULDRON BECAUSE EVERYONE FUCKING DRINKS THERE – THIS PLACR IS OWN CED BY SEAMUS FININGANT AND IS CALLED 'YOU WILL NEVER DRINK ALONE'.
STUPID PUB NAME.
ANYWAY:
"I'm never goin g to have s3x again. I'm swearing off men, women, beats - everyrthgn." Said Hermion d.
"What's haveped happened this time?" asked Ginny, weearily.
"Are you ready for this?"
"Yes. Lay it on me.:"
":I was tryng to have an orgasm with Neville, since I struck out with Ron "The Wanker" Weasley, and Harry "The Hard On" Potter, and Fenrir "The Fancyboy" Greyback, and Blaise "The Sausage" Zabini and so on and so forgyh..."
"get to the piont, Herms." Said Ginny as she explored the inside of one nostril.
"Firght. Right. So, anysay, Neville was more gentlemanly than most, he actualyl TRID for a while to find my clit, but he ended up losing his erection and falling asleep when I tried to tell him what he was doing wrtogn. Wrong. So I si is done with sex." Finished hermionfe.
"Herms" said Ginny, flicking away a bogy.. "you talk too fuicking much. Ever thing you are boring your partners to deathy?"
"WHAT?"
"Yep. Geez, you should try fucking Percy. Maybe you two would be the right combo."
"No way! I hate his freckles!"
"WAHT?"
"I likd YOUR freck;s. amnd Ron 's frecles. And IO absofucking lutely LUST after Bill's Freckled arse and Charlie's freckeded;ed cock, but Percy's? GROSS."
"What about the twins?"
"Oh yeah, I love their freckles. Thety feel so frecking tgood inside my twat and arsehome..."
"SHUT UP, forget I asrdked!"
"...sorry, Gin. I just ./.. I just need some time to get myself back on the right patyh. So. I vow, this New Years Eve, to NOT have sex for the tne entire year. Abstinance will be my middle nam,e. I will do researh, and study, and ignore the temptations of the flesh."
"... good luck with that. Got any chocolate?"
IN ANOTHER PART OF TOWN, KIND OF HEAR NEAR DIAGON ALLY BUT NOT QUOTE BECAUSE IT WOULD BE SILLY FOR WIZARDS TO DRINK IN A WIZARDS PUB, RIGHT? I mean, rly.
"i AM GOINGa to FUCXK THGAT HERMIONE GRANGER THIS YEAR. Sorty sorry for the shounting. But I swear, I RESOVE, to fuck her." Draco stoopd on the table and made his vow.
"Why?" asked Blaise, Thoe, Harry, Romnn, Neville, Felch, and others.
"Because! She's fucked all of you, but has point-blank revused my adfances for TOO LONG! I will have her! I lust after her boobs, her butt, her knees, her bushy rat's nest of hair, her BRAN and her BRAIN..."
"Have some fiber," drawled Ron, to the ensuing laughter of all.
"Fuck off, Weasley, you lame cocktwat." Draco muttered.
"Cocktwawt? Waht's that?" wondered Harry.
:"Its your boyfriend there – Weasely. He's got a cock AND a twat so he can go FUCK HIMSELF!" Draco somirked, thinking he was so clever.
A Horse PAtronus canme gamboling into the pub hust just at that momnt, much to the confusiong of the drunk Miggles all around the place. It walked up to Harry, stopped by his side, and wishpered in his he ear before evaoprating.
Harry looked toughtful. Then,
"You want to place a bet on your being able to ve bed Hermione?" asked Potter.
"Yeajh. I bety I will have fucked Hermione Granger by next December 31. I bet 1000 Galleons."
":You're on!" said Harry.
Hands wher were shooken, Gallon of galleons sighed off in blood, etc. Midnight came. Mudnight went. Everyon e was finally drinked enough, and they Apparated home tho to their b various abodes.
Ron Splinched himself. He was down to almost no arm left, the tosser.
KJANUARY
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"Get lost, Malfoy. I do't do that sort of thing anymore."
FEBRUARY
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"What? Go away, Maflyo! I told you last month – no!"
MARCH
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"... Maflor! Go AWWAY!"
APRIL
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"... argh. What do I need to do to con vingce you, Malfoy! I don't wn at ot have sex!"
"Do you not WANT to have sex, or have you just RESOLVED NOT TO have sex?"
"...hum. um. Er. Pause. Reflect. Look embarrassed."
"That;'s what I thought."
MAY
"Wanna celebrate Beltane, Grager?"
"Fuck off, Draco.:
"Oooo, first name usage! Ytou are weekening, Granger."
"FUCK OFF!"
JUNE
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"Oh for CRUST'S SAKE! Go AWAY!"
"Hermione, I've just found you m,asturbating in the library stacks! You want to have SEX! I'm willing to FUCK YOU! So what do you say?"
"I say NO! I am perfectly happy with my own two hands. And a set of "C" batteries."
"What the fuck is a battery?"
"Never mind. Go away."
JULY
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
AUGUST
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"Can I haz cheezburger?"
"... what?"
SEPTEMBER
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"... I'll think about it."
"Really?"
"No, not really."
"Fuck."
"I saod NOT!"
OCTOBER
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"... Malfoy, what will it take for you to meave me amone? I mean alone?"
"Sex."
"Not happening."
"It will ,you ca't resist my sexinnmess. Besides././."
Ziiiiip!
FLOP
SPRONG!
"Check ot Draco Jr."
"Oh my GOD!"
NOVEMBER
" So. Granger. Wanna fuck?"
"Unf."
"Like that? I can do so much more than that, baby. I can suck your nipples, suck your clit, bring you into a screaming orgasm the likes of which you've never known..."
"That's just IT, Malfoy!"
"what's it?"
"... IK've never orgasmed!" *run away, cry, sob, scream in agony*
"...wow. I
've bot my own owrk cut out for me.:
DECEMBER
"Donm't worry, Granger. I won't hurt you. You will like this. I promios."
"I'm scared, Draco. You are so bug!"
"Granger ... Hermione. Look. My cock is so hot and hard and throbbing because of YOU. I've fiucking wanted to be with you for years, Hermione. You are beautufly, slarm, smarkt. Sexy. And the perfect fouil for me. I love you, Hermione. Let me show you how much."
"...! Og, DRACO!"
*ungh, ugnh, tyhrust, pillage, fuck, thrust, thrust, piston, thurst*
"Oh, Dragho, I'm so close! Iv I feel ... something..."
"HYah, tyeah, yes, Hermione. Uhfuck, uhfuck, fuck fuck fuck FUCK! Come for me!":
"Oh, OH! OHG! DRACO!"
*squirt cum spew fuick thrust spews spurt spurt spurt cock quim pricm cum thrust spasm groan maon gasp etc.*
"... Wow/"
"Yeah. Wow. You are tighter than a Death Eater's hoodstrings."
"... uh... thanks? You were wonderful, Draco.:"
"I know.:"
"You made me breka my new yesr's resolution. I had just one day to go and I would have been abstinant for a ytear."
"You helped me keep my resolution – and I won a bet."
"... you BET that you could have SEX with me?"
"Um... tyeah... but it was all uin fun, GHermione! Wait, STOP!"
HEX JINX HEX
*moan*
JANUARY
"Harry? Draco won the bet. Give him his money. NOW."
"Hermione? Why are you pointing your wand at me?"
"Floppius prickicus!"
"Shite, NO!"
"There. Draco was a fantastic fuck, but I do NOT like being the object of a bet. I will fuck him on my OWN terms, not anyone else's. Am I clear?"
*whimper*
"I'll take the hex off you in due course, Harry. Now. Where's Draco?"
*points*
"Ah." *slurp* "Oh, DRACO! Time for num-nums!"
*moan*
THE END
REMEMBER: For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!