Title: Phobias
Summary: So, Dean's scared of flying, Sam doesn't like clowns, but what does Castiel fear. Crack, and no I don't mean Cass is scared of drugs... Spoilers, oh and from God's point of view, like usual... plus my theories all put into a pile of crack!
Dont own!
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The apocalypse was said and done. Good had won. Dean had agreed to let Michael possesses him, once he and Castiel had found God, who was underneath their nose the whole time, disguised as the paralysed hunter, Bobby Singer. Apparently Zachariah wanted to take heaven over and be the leader of the angels and Heavens, and had tricked Michael into sending God into a vortex which sent the Lord of all on a long trip to the end of the universe.
Zachariah had thought he'd be able to keep God away forever, but considering it was the Big Guy that created the damn vortex he should have reconsidered betraying his Father. Any who, God returned and all of Him entered His holy vessel of Bobby. Bobby, the hunter was in fact an immortal Jesus who came back down to earth a second time. Of course, Jesus was a mortal, but once combined with the Father and Holy Spirit, Bobby was God, the Almighty!
It was all very Power Rangers, when Bobby thought about it...
The Almighty wished to see what Zachariah's crappy plan was. And of course it was not planned very well. Zachariah had Raphael smite one of his poor defenceless seraphs unnecessarily, considering twenty minutes later God had brought Castiel back to life (with a certain sword placed conveniently by his side) as Lucifer rose. Bobby wasn't going to start on how annoying Lucifer was!
Stupid angels! He should have stopped at Michael!
And even he was an idjit at times.
God was forgiving and merciful so He grabbed Sam and Dean Winchester and threw them aboard a plane. He figured since the damn boys started this whole stupid thing, He'd scare Dean a bit by crashing their plane. God may have been forgiving and merciful but He had a reputation to live up to, which meant putting the fear of God in some people.
Several hours later He met up with the boys, but not before some stupid demon tried to possess Him. God willingly allowed the demon into Him; He was trying to stay hidden, you see. So He gave the demon some power and let him think that he was possessing a mere mortal, until, of course, he threatened to stab Dean in the neck. So Bobby overpowered the demon and stabbed himself. Right in the spine! God Damn it! God had thought, so many places to stab Himself, and He chose the spine.
Well, He had to go with the damn program, which was why He was sitting in the wheelchair when Castiel had called and appeared to tell Sam and Dean he was looking for God. Bobby tried hard not to wave at His stupid son and say hello, instead He settled with telling the angel to shove it up his ass, and scaring him, but the angel held his ground surprisingly.
Castiel told Dean off; Bobby had to admit was rather entertaining. And like usual the pair stared at each other intently. Before the angel disappeared, he expressed his need of Dean's necklace.
Dean handed the amulet to the angel, before they stared some more before Castiel disappeared. Bobby decided to amuse himself.
"When you find God tell him to send legs!"
Moments later Rufus called and once the brothers left, Bobby stood up, stretched and gave a yawn. He sat back down and wondered if he should have told Castiel the amulet had an on switch?
Nah, let the boy have some fun first.
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Fun was an understatement. God should have known that Dean would take His son to a freaking whorehouse. Castiel resisted Dean's advances claiming he wanted to die a virgin. Honestly, God was surprised Castiel resisted the large breasts flung at him!
Elsewhere Sam resisted Lucifer's advances.
The next morning, Castiel and Dean caught themselves a big bird, named Raphael. The archangel refused to comment on God's whereabouts, claiming the Father was dead. God's eyes rolled, seriously what didn't the angels understand about never-ending and immortal!?
So, Dean grabbed Castiel and dragged him out of the abandoned house, leaving Raphael in the house surrounded by fire and with no way to get out!
Weeks past and Castiel and Dean joined up with Sam again hunting once more, battling random demons, the other three horsemen and occasionally Lucifer himself and the angels. In the middle of a battle against the angels, two angels decided that their allegiance lay with Castiel and fought with the hunters battling the angels. The Michael appeared, in a small and young vessel, pouting. Dean roared with fury, seeing a familiar young face; Ben Braedon.
The archangel possessed the kid, after a lot of coaxing from Zachariah and Raphael, the latter two decided to blackmail Dean through the child.
Perhaps Bobby should have stopped at Himself.
Of course no one was expecting Castiel to threaten to kill the child and Michael as he held Michael's throat close to Lucifer's sword. Dean was worried for a moment, but waited.
"GO!" Castiel snarled at the angels and one by one they retreated except for two, who had helped them. It was then God realised that the female was dressed in a magenta nightgown and the male in a clown's outfit; baggy red pants with green spots, large shoes, and a baggy shirt with suspenders, ridiculous fuzzy green hair and the even more ridiculous makeup! Sam hid behind his brother eyeing the angel fearfully.
"You two forget to change?" Bobby asked, bluntly.
"Gabriel? Azrael?" Castiel asked hesitantly, still holding Michael, as Michael cursed at them angrily in several dead languages. Gabriel growled back at him and soon the pair where screaming at each other. Just like old times.
Michael claimed Castiel betrayed them! Gabriel said NO! Zachariah lies! Michael yelled that Castiel freed Sam! Gabriel growled on Zachariah's orders. And then Michael was confused, really, really confused.
"I should have stayed home!" Michael grunted, in English finally.
"Get out of Ben!? Why are you in him anyway!?" Dean snapped.
"He is your son," Azrael said, coldly. Bobby shivered slightly, the angel looked positively homicidal. No wonder Sam was scared of clowns.
"I shall smite Zachariah! After I smite Lucifer," Michael grumbled. Bobby smiled; his eldest looked so cute dressed up as a child! "What is our plan?"
"We find God," Castiel said, putting the sword down. He pulled out the amulet, and showed it to Michael. Dean sighed, in relief at the sight of the amulet. "So far we have had no luck."
"My amulet!" Michael cried.
"Your amulet?" growled Dean, furiously. "First I'm your condom! And now it's your amulet!?"
"I used that to find Father when it was just He and I," Michael explained. "It's a bitch trying to find one person in the entire galaxy. What's a condom? Lemme see!"
God watched as Castiel handed it to the smallest being in the room, and immediately Michael worked out the problem.
"It is not switched on," Michael informed.
"It has an on switch?" Dean asked.
"Indeed, here we- OUCH!" the angel dropped the amulet and looked up in surprise. Bobby chuckled and everyone stared at him.
"You bloody idjits," God grinned. The grin fell, as he was tackled down off the wheelchair by the two archangels, death angel and seraph!
"DADDY!"
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So, eventually, Dean agreed to be Michael's condom and together the pair defeated Lucifer, his head resting uncomfortably under Dean's boot before he was banished back to hell forever and ever.
Bobby treated the angels and hunters to a trip down to the nearest fair. They lost Azrael in the first five minutes as he was dragged into a tent to be prepared for the next clown show, much to Sam's relief. Michael tagged along in Ben's body, enjoying himself as he was being spoiled rotten by his two fathers.
Later on, Dean and Castiel entered an animals nursery were Castiel sat happily carrying a bunny rabbit, when Dean picked up a fuzzy yellow creature.
"What is that?" Castiel asked, eying the creature nervously. The small creature cheeped in Dean's hand.
"A duckling," Dean replied. The angel shivered, "You okay?"
"Uh, yeah," Castiel nodded, looking down at his shoe. He screeched in surprise and jumped up.
"What!?" Dean asked. His question was answered as Castiel pranced away, a larger duck quacking away after him.
"Quack!"
"Save me, Father!" Castiel cried. Heh, who knew the angel had a fear of ducks, Bobby thought.
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Epilogue.
Now, whenever God needed a laugh, He knew just what to do. Throw Dean in a plane, send a clown after Sammy or simply say quack!
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Peace and Checking grease!
Agro!
Ducks.
I was going to call this ducks, but then i thought it would ruin Cass's fear