(I own nothing)
Harry Potter and the Ploy of the Fanfiction Writer
Written by SorridoSole
Once upon a time, there was a sad little boy who sat in his cupboard, wondering why his life sucked so very badly. Was if because he did something wrong? Oh, certainly not! How could Harry Potter do something wrong? For he was, in fact, the hero of a story, and by default, he could never do anything wrong.
No, Harry was sad for one reason, and one reason only: His author was dying from lack of reviews.
You see, Harry's author did not want Harry to be sad. Quite the contrary, in fact. She wanted the boy to flourish, and become the savior the Wizarding World wanted. But as the dementors feed off of your happy memories, Harry's author feeds off of the reviews of her stories; the reviews that encourage her to become the writer she has always wanted to be.
"Then why the sad Harry?" asks a puzzled fanfiction patron, as they read the text before them with a furrowed brow. "Why must Harry be sad, when the author, similar to god, can make anything come into being by merely typing?"
"Well kind reader," the author replies, "It is a very sad tale, that begins when one accepts the quest of finding a quality fanfiction to read.-
"You see," said the author. "I once wrote dozens of stories, full of adventure, triumph, and joy. Harry was a happy lad, who faced his foes with his nose upturned, never doubting his own potential. But then, the Horrid Majority took over."
You see, the Horrid Majority is the largest amount of Harry Potter stories you will discover on the fanfiction site. The stories mostly consist of Romance, Fluff, Lemons, or, on the other side of the spectrum, Angst, Death, and Despair. This Horrid Majority is what the average fanfiction patron wants to read, wants to review, and wants to get email alerts about. But you see, Harry's author never wanted to write this way.
"When the horrid majority took over," She said, tears filling her godly eyes. "No one would even click upon my story link! If I didn't write with massive angst or slashes, unrealistic situations, and drama, my stories went unread, and unreviewed, and I would starve!"
"Surely," says the fanfiction patron, feeling very guilty, as she too only reviewed the stories of the Horrid Majority "Someone else would read your stories?"
"You would think so." says the author. "But it is not so. The Horrid Majority came about upon the needs of the fanfiction readers. That is to say, that writers wrote the stories that people wanted to read, while those who wrote within other genres were left behind, struggling to gain even two reviews per chapter."
"Well, maybe your story just sucks." says the patron, fed up with the authors sob story. The patron then rises and leaves the author behind. The emptiness in the author's stomach begs her to write something sad and cruel, something that will make Harry struggle. Finally, she rises to her chair, and begins to tell the story of a sad little boy in a cupboard, who never does anything wrong because he's a hero, but his life still sucks.
And the author loses her soul.
The end.
review so she doesn't starve, you cold hearted human being!