Feeling Blue
"'But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you...'"
Kitty sang along as she danced in her room to Rogue's newest Stain'd CD before school. Kurt walked past the open door, looking depressed.
"Vill you turn zat zong off?!" he shouted, glaring at her.
"Huh? Oh! Kurt. Why? It's just, like, Stain'd, you know?" Kitty said, turning off the song.
"I...just can't stand zat zong," he muttered, looking away. Before Kitty could reply, he bamfed to the front hallway.
That was close, he thought. I almost flipped out, right in front of Kitty. For it was Kurt's well kept secret that every morning he got up, hating himself. Every night he went to sleep, hating himself. Hating himself and the way he looked. I'm such a freak.
He shouldered his backpack and started off for school without waiting for the others.
***
The bell rang, signaling the end of fifth period. Kurt sighed. He was going to be late for lunch. Again.
"Mr. Wagner, your grades have been slipping this past month," his English teacher, Mr. Smith admonished.
"I am zorry. I vill try harder," Kurt said, fingering his watch, glancing at the time.
"Will you please stop fidgeting! Every time I try to talk to you, you start fidgeting with that watch. I'm sick of it! Hand it over," Smith shouted.
Kurt gulped. What am I supposed to say?
"Uhhh...I don't zink zat zat vill be possible. You see, I left my vatch at home today. Zis is, um, Scott's vatch. Scott Zummers. So, you zee zat vould be...awkward. I promise zough, I vill try not to fidget," he babbled, thinking furiously.
"Fine, Wagner. Just, get yourself to lunch."
Kurt left quickly, before Smith could change his mind. That was close. This is just so not my day.
Kurt hurried down the hall, his eyes on the ground, his hands in his pockets. Suddenly, he bumped into somebody.
"Zorry," he muttered, looking up.
"Like, watch where you're going," Kitty admonished. "Jean sent me to look for you. She was, like, worried, you know? You're, like, fifteen minutes late."
"Zmith kept me."
"Yeah, well at least you have an excuse for failing English. You're from, like, Germany! Evan's flunking too. I'll have to, like, start a study group for us three, you know? We're the only ones who have that guy for a teacher."
"Really?" Kurt asked, pausing outside the door to the cafeteria.
"Why not? It's not like I have anything else to do tonight," Kitty shrugged, breezing past him as he held open the door.
After getting his lunch, Kurt walked over to where Scott was sitting. The rest of their group was a little ways off.
"Scott? Can I talk vith you?" Kurt asked, sitting across from him.
"Sure," Scott said offhandedly, watching Jean.
"Vell, I have zis...problem," he began, swallowing nervously. How am I supposed to say this? He wouldn't understand. He's...so normal looking. I'm so jealous of him sometimes.
"I'm...uhmm...flunking English," he finished lamely. "Do you zink zat ze Professor vill be villing to let Evan, Kitty, und I use one of ze extra rooms for a ztudy group?"
"Oh. Is that all? I'm sure he'd be glad to let you," Scott said. He was relieved that that was all that it was. Not that flunking English was a good thing, but compared to suicide or something. Scott shrugged. He had known that something was bothering Nightcrawler, but he had been willing to let his friend bring it up. He'd talk to the Prof later, or maybe Jean.
The bell rang, signaling the start of the next class.
***
Later, at the end of ninth period, Kurt stood in front of the mirror in the abandoned boy's locker room in his uniform. He contemplated his reflection, his watch turned on. Rather good-looking, if I do say so myself. Not outstanding in any way, but normal. His thoughts took another turn. He didn't need to turn the watch off to know what he'd look like "normally." Skinny legs, wiry arms, no outstanding muscles like Logan's. Pointed ears, fangs, yellow eyes, tail, a few crooked fingers, huge feet, huge toes. Not to mention the occasional shedding of fur. And the blue. Blue everywhere. Blue fur, blue hair, blue everything. Unbidden, a line from a song ran through his head. Against my will I stand beside my own reflection...
***
"Jean, I think that something's wrong with Kurt," Scott said, sitting on her bed as Jean combed out her hair at the mirror, getting ready for their date.
"Why would you think that?"
"Well, he just hasn't been his normal self lately. No jokes, no pranks, just moping around."
"I think you're right. He has been awful depressed lately."
"Couldn't you just do a little rummaging and-"
"Scott! No! Why do you think he's depressed? We'll wait until he tells us or we guess. I am not going to poke around in his brain."
"Well, he did mention that he was flunking English. Do you think that that could be it?"
"Most likely. Not that flunking English is a good thing," she said, clipping her hair back. "So, how do I look?"
"Great."
***
Kurt hung upside down from the bar in his room's ceiling. That song, "Outside," actually wasn't such a bad song. Except for the refrain. He couldn't stand the refrain. He decided to just bamf into Rouge' and Kitty's room and "borrow" it. He knew they were both in the Danger Room, so he wouldn't accidentally see something they wouldn't want them to see.
A minute later, he was listening to the song. It pretty much described him.
'And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door...
...All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone...
...All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be OK...'
He made a face at the floor, switching the CD for something just as depressing, but less perceptive. A little while later, he glanced over at the clock. Eight o'clock. Time for the study session. Everybody should be back from dinner by now. He hadn't gone down. For once in his life, he wasn't hungry. He gathered up his books and teleported to the empty classroom that they had agreed to meet in. He was a few minutes early.
I better turn my holo-watch on. I don't think that I can stand to see Kitty cringe every time she looks at me for one more minute.
Evan and Kitty walked in just as he finished laying out his books.
"Hey, 'Crawler, man, why are you wearing the hologram?" Evan asked.
"I just felt like it, okay! Und my name is Kurt, not Nightcrawler! Kurt!" Kurt snapped.
Evan blinked, taken aback. Kurt, snapping at somebody?
***
As the studying went on, Kurt noticed that looking normal just wasn't enough. Every time Kitty brushed against his bare skin, she shuddered as if she was touching something slimy, distasteful. Suddenly, Kurt just couldn't take it anymore.
"Look, I may not look like zome teen idol, but I'm not a demon!" he shouted standing up and throwing his chair back in an angry gesture. "Just because I look different from you, it, it doesn't mean zat I am not human! I have feelings, dammit, und zey are apparently stronger zen yours! I don't cringe every time zat I look at you!" he finished. Embarrassed, he bamfed outside, into the hall.
"Kurt, like, wait!" he heard Kitty a second before she phased through the wall.
"No! I vill not! I just can't take...me...anymore! You don't wince every zime you look in the mirror!" he shouted, squaring up with her and turning the hologram off. She was going to look at him straight. "Your biggest vorry is zat your ponytail vill look crooked or zomething, not that your vatch vill fail you und you vill be driven out of your town, spit on, screamed at, mobbed, just because you're different looking zan everybody else!" Even through his storm of anger and frustration, he just couldn't resist. Kitty just stood there, her lips slightly parted, gazing up at him. He leaned down slightly, and ever so gently, kissed her softly, on the lips.
"Oh...hell! Vat am I doing?!" With that, he bamfed again, to the hall outside their bedrooms.
He stood there, leaning his head against the cool wood paneling of the wall.
I can't believe I just did that, he thought. Now she'll hate me and Evan and everybody will think I'm some kind of freak. Not that I'm not already, he said to himself, a self-mocking smile on his lips.
Suddenly, Kitty phased through the floor, tapping him on the shoulder.
"Kurt, I have to tell you something," she started.
When Kurt opened his mouth, she placed a finger on his lips, silencing him.
"No, let me finish. I don't cringe because you look the way you do. I just think, every time I look at you, how handsome you are, that you'll go after someone beautiful. Rogue, or someone at school. Every time I touch you, I think of the way it would feel to have you hug me, touch my face. You're just so outgoing and, I don't know, swashbuckling," at this Kurt grinned crookedly, "that you'd never want someone like me. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, if you want, you can kiss me. You know? Oh, and by the way, I think that blue is very sexy."
Kurt grinned and leaned down, placing his lips softly on Kitty's. Then, Kitty pulled him towards her, opening his mouth with her tongue. She placed hers inside his mouth. Kurt responded, putting his arms around her. Suddenly, the iron taste of blood filled his mouth. Realizing what had happened, he pulled away.
"You cut yourself on my fangs," he said. "Vas the pain vorth it?"
"The pain just adds another dimension to the thrill," she whispered, pulling him back to her.
This time, they wasted no time in getting back into their kiss, going at it for all a simple kiss was worth.
The End
"'But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you...'"
Kitty sang along as she danced in her room to Rogue's newest Stain'd CD before school. Kurt walked past the open door, looking depressed.
"Vill you turn zat zong off?!" he shouted, glaring at her.
"Huh? Oh! Kurt. Why? It's just, like, Stain'd, you know?" Kitty said, turning off the song.
"I...just can't stand zat zong," he muttered, looking away. Before Kitty could reply, he bamfed to the front hallway.
That was close, he thought. I almost flipped out, right in front of Kitty. For it was Kurt's well kept secret that every morning he got up, hating himself. Every night he went to sleep, hating himself. Hating himself and the way he looked. I'm such a freak.
He shouldered his backpack and started off for school without waiting for the others.
***
The bell rang, signaling the end of fifth period. Kurt sighed. He was going to be late for lunch. Again.
"Mr. Wagner, your grades have been slipping this past month," his English teacher, Mr. Smith admonished.
"I am zorry. I vill try harder," Kurt said, fingering his watch, glancing at the time.
"Will you please stop fidgeting! Every time I try to talk to you, you start fidgeting with that watch. I'm sick of it! Hand it over," Smith shouted.
Kurt gulped. What am I supposed to say?
"Uhhh...I don't zink zat zat vill be possible. You see, I left my vatch at home today. Zis is, um, Scott's vatch. Scott Zummers. So, you zee zat vould be...awkward. I promise zough, I vill try not to fidget," he babbled, thinking furiously.
"Fine, Wagner. Just, get yourself to lunch."
Kurt left quickly, before Smith could change his mind. That was close. This is just so not my day.
Kurt hurried down the hall, his eyes on the ground, his hands in his pockets. Suddenly, he bumped into somebody.
"Zorry," he muttered, looking up.
"Like, watch where you're going," Kitty admonished. "Jean sent me to look for you. She was, like, worried, you know? You're, like, fifteen minutes late."
"Zmith kept me."
"Yeah, well at least you have an excuse for failing English. You're from, like, Germany! Evan's flunking too. I'll have to, like, start a study group for us three, you know? We're the only ones who have that guy for a teacher."
"Really?" Kurt asked, pausing outside the door to the cafeteria.
"Why not? It's not like I have anything else to do tonight," Kitty shrugged, breezing past him as he held open the door.
After getting his lunch, Kurt walked over to where Scott was sitting. The rest of their group was a little ways off.
"Scott? Can I talk vith you?" Kurt asked, sitting across from him.
"Sure," Scott said offhandedly, watching Jean.
"Vell, I have zis...problem," he began, swallowing nervously. How am I supposed to say this? He wouldn't understand. He's...so normal looking. I'm so jealous of him sometimes.
"I'm...uhmm...flunking English," he finished lamely. "Do you zink zat ze Professor vill be villing to let Evan, Kitty, und I use one of ze extra rooms for a ztudy group?"
"Oh. Is that all? I'm sure he'd be glad to let you," Scott said. He was relieved that that was all that it was. Not that flunking English was a good thing, but compared to suicide or something. Scott shrugged. He had known that something was bothering Nightcrawler, but he had been willing to let his friend bring it up. He'd talk to the Prof later, or maybe Jean.
The bell rang, signaling the start of the next class.
***
Later, at the end of ninth period, Kurt stood in front of the mirror in the abandoned boy's locker room in his uniform. He contemplated his reflection, his watch turned on. Rather good-looking, if I do say so myself. Not outstanding in any way, but normal. His thoughts took another turn. He didn't need to turn the watch off to know what he'd look like "normally." Skinny legs, wiry arms, no outstanding muscles like Logan's. Pointed ears, fangs, yellow eyes, tail, a few crooked fingers, huge feet, huge toes. Not to mention the occasional shedding of fur. And the blue. Blue everywhere. Blue fur, blue hair, blue everything. Unbidden, a line from a song ran through his head. Against my will I stand beside my own reflection...
***
"Jean, I think that something's wrong with Kurt," Scott said, sitting on her bed as Jean combed out her hair at the mirror, getting ready for their date.
"Why would you think that?"
"Well, he just hasn't been his normal self lately. No jokes, no pranks, just moping around."
"I think you're right. He has been awful depressed lately."
"Couldn't you just do a little rummaging and-"
"Scott! No! Why do you think he's depressed? We'll wait until he tells us or we guess. I am not going to poke around in his brain."
"Well, he did mention that he was flunking English. Do you think that that could be it?"
"Most likely. Not that flunking English is a good thing," she said, clipping her hair back. "So, how do I look?"
"Great."
***
Kurt hung upside down from the bar in his room's ceiling. That song, "Outside," actually wasn't such a bad song. Except for the refrain. He couldn't stand the refrain. He decided to just bamf into Rouge' and Kitty's room and "borrow" it. He knew they were both in the Danger Room, so he wouldn't accidentally see something they wouldn't want them to see.
A minute later, he was listening to the song. It pretty much described him.
'And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door...
...All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone...
...All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be OK...'
He made a face at the floor, switching the CD for something just as depressing, but less perceptive. A little while later, he glanced over at the clock. Eight o'clock. Time for the study session. Everybody should be back from dinner by now. He hadn't gone down. For once in his life, he wasn't hungry. He gathered up his books and teleported to the empty classroom that they had agreed to meet in. He was a few minutes early.
I better turn my holo-watch on. I don't think that I can stand to see Kitty cringe every time she looks at me for one more minute.
Evan and Kitty walked in just as he finished laying out his books.
"Hey, 'Crawler, man, why are you wearing the hologram?" Evan asked.
"I just felt like it, okay! Und my name is Kurt, not Nightcrawler! Kurt!" Kurt snapped.
Evan blinked, taken aback. Kurt, snapping at somebody?
***
As the studying went on, Kurt noticed that looking normal just wasn't enough. Every time Kitty brushed against his bare skin, she shuddered as if she was touching something slimy, distasteful. Suddenly, Kurt just couldn't take it anymore.
"Look, I may not look like zome teen idol, but I'm not a demon!" he shouted standing up and throwing his chair back in an angry gesture. "Just because I look different from you, it, it doesn't mean zat I am not human! I have feelings, dammit, und zey are apparently stronger zen yours! I don't cringe every time zat I look at you!" he finished. Embarrassed, he bamfed outside, into the hall.
"Kurt, like, wait!" he heard Kitty a second before she phased through the wall.
"No! I vill not! I just can't take...me...anymore! You don't wince every zime you look in the mirror!" he shouted, squaring up with her and turning the hologram off. She was going to look at him straight. "Your biggest vorry is zat your ponytail vill look crooked or zomething, not that your vatch vill fail you und you vill be driven out of your town, spit on, screamed at, mobbed, just because you're different looking zan everybody else!" Even through his storm of anger and frustration, he just couldn't resist. Kitty just stood there, her lips slightly parted, gazing up at him. He leaned down slightly, and ever so gently, kissed her softly, on the lips.
"Oh...hell! Vat am I doing?!" With that, he bamfed again, to the hall outside their bedrooms.
He stood there, leaning his head against the cool wood paneling of the wall.
I can't believe I just did that, he thought. Now she'll hate me and Evan and everybody will think I'm some kind of freak. Not that I'm not already, he said to himself, a self-mocking smile on his lips.
Suddenly, Kitty phased through the floor, tapping him on the shoulder.
"Kurt, I have to tell you something," she started.
When Kurt opened his mouth, she placed a finger on his lips, silencing him.
"No, let me finish. I don't cringe because you look the way you do. I just think, every time I look at you, how handsome you are, that you'll go after someone beautiful. Rogue, or someone at school. Every time I touch you, I think of the way it would feel to have you hug me, touch my face. You're just so outgoing and, I don't know, swashbuckling," at this Kurt grinned crookedly, "that you'd never want someone like me. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, if you want, you can kiss me. You know? Oh, and by the way, I think that blue is very sexy."
Kurt grinned and leaned down, placing his lips softly on Kitty's. Then, Kitty pulled him towards her, opening his mouth with her tongue. She placed hers inside his mouth. Kurt responded, putting his arms around her. Suddenly, the iron taste of blood filled his mouth. Realizing what had happened, he pulled away.
"You cut yourself on my fangs," he said. "Vas the pain vorth it?"
"The pain just adds another dimension to the thrill," she whispered, pulling him back to her.
This time, they wasted no time in getting back into their kiss, going at it for all a simple kiss was worth.
The End