A/N: Still very much paying attention to The Meaning Of Family, but after seeing Swing, this idea popped into my head that Elliot really needed to get his selfishness shook out of his head. This is kind of a rewrite of the scene in the cribs between Elliot and Olivia.
The doors closed with a loud bang behind Elliot Stabler, startling Fin and Munch, who were doing paperwork at their desks.
"Jesus, Stabler! Trying to kill us with a heart attack?" Munch jokingly inquired.
"Not in the mood right now, Munch!" Elliot called abruptly, already halfway up the stairs to the cribs.
He shoved the door open angrily and lay down on one of the beds that had become so familiar when he and Kathy were going through the divorce. God, Elliot thought. Were things really better now than they were then with him and Kathy? With the job? With Olivia? He had tried to be a good man, tried to do the right thing, and God was still kicking him in the ass. It seemed, he realized, that he was right back where he started, maybe worse. He had a daughter in jail because she refused to admit she had a mental illness, who he had helped put there, a wife who was so pissed at him that he honestly didn't know when – or if – she would forgive him, and he had jeopardized his job yet again. All-Pile-On-Elliot month, he thought wryly.
The door opened quietly and he heard the sound of soft footfalls enter the crib. He knew without looking up who it was.
"Kathy called?" he said, more of a statement then a question.
"Yeah" she confirmed softly.
"Guess I'm in the doghouse with her."
The bed next to him creaked as she sat, her silence making her viewpoint very clear.
"With you too?"
She sighed. She didn't want another battle, but lately that's what all their talks seemed to consist of.
"Elliot, we've been partners for eleven years. You know almost everything about me, even..." Olivia paused, no doubt scanning the same memories as Elliot in her head: Gitano, Joe Hollister, her mother, her longing for a child...
"Why is it you never told me about your mother?"
Elliot rolled onto his back.
"Never came up" he replied dismissively.
"El..."
"Please Liv, just...I can't deal with this right now. Not with you too. You have no idea what's going on, you have no idea what it feels like when it all piles down at once." Elliot should have stopped, he knew. He should have stopped when he saw the look on Olivia's face, ready to contradict him. But something came over him, something that made him need to vent, for once without punching anything, and before he knew it, the word vomit was spilling forward.
"God Liv, every time something goes wrong, you come up here expecting me to spill my soul to you, like you're the only person I have. Does it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, I don't want to talk about it? Just because you have nobody else to talk to doesn't mean I don't! Jesus, all I'm asking is for once, for you to just leave me be!"
The words were out of his mouth before Elliot realized it, and once he saw the stricken, tear filled look on Olivia's face, he would have given absolutely anything to take it back. But just as he jumped, ready to grovel for forgiveness, Olivia spoke in a soft, strained whisper.
"Fine."
"Oh god Liv, I'm so...oh, Jesus. Liv, please you gotta know – wait. 'Fine'?" Elliot froze mid-apology as he registered the word in his mind.
"Yes, Elliot, fine. If you so badly want me to leave you alone, if you hate that I care so much, then at the very least, I know I did the right thing asking Cragen for a new partner."
Olivia turned on her heel and started to run out of the cribs, never turning, never allowing him the satisfaction of seeing the tears running down her cheeks.
Elliot stood frozen for what seemed like hours. Leaving? New partner? Had he finally done it? Had he finally hurled more shit at his partner then she could take?
As soon as his feet allowed him to move, Elliot was running through the crib and down the stairs with only one thought on his mind: I've gotta find her. I've gotta beg for forgiveness, apologize for being such an ass to her on more occasions than I can count, tell her how wonderful she is, tell her how much having her here helps...
But as soon as Elliot ran through the squad room, Fin stepped firmly in his way.
"Hey, man I don't have time for this now, I gotta find Liv, gotta tell her..." Elliot began.
"No." Fin stated simply.
This stopped Elliot in his tracks. "No?" he repeated.
" You heard me, Stabler. This has gone far enough. I heard that she asked Cragen for a new partner, and I'm not going to let you stop that. I'm not going to let you continue to drag her life down, to make her carry your weight, your problems, when god knows she has enough of her own."
Elliot stopped struggling against Fin, as the full weight of his words took effect. His defences raised, Elliot stood on his heels, in his classic intimidating stance, ready for battle to defend his relationship when his partner.
But Fin was clearly prepared for battle too, albeit not a physical battle.
"She's so caring, so good..." Fin whispered. "She protects herself from people she knows are enemies, but you're an enemy too. She tries to be strong, god knows she is, but she still needs someone to lean on. Everyone does, including you, Stabler. And she's that person to you. It makes her happy that you can trust her enough with things that you hold most personal, and we're happy you have someone like that too. But it stops when you do what you've been doing."
Elliot bristled. "And what is that?"
" Dumping all of your problems on her to carry and fix herself, and not even acknowledging that she has issues of her own. It's like you've had so many problems yourself, you've stopped caring about her."
Elliot saw red at this. "You don't know what you're talking about, Fin. In the past month, one of my daughters' pictures was found on a kiddie porn site, another daughter was diagnosed as mentally ill and is now in jail, where I helped put her, and my marriage is going downhill fast. And Liv...I asked her...she's fine. She hasn't had near enough crap dumped on her as I have."
" She has. She's in therapy. Did she tell you that?" Elliot stopped short.
"Therapy?"
Fin nodded. "For what happened at Sealview. Jesus, Stabler, none of us deny that you have problems. We all know, and if you'd take a look around, you'd see that we're not here as your enemies. We help each other. But other people hurt too. Do you realize I was sent to Sealview to protect Liv? Do you think I sleep at night, knowing that I couldn't even do that? That that bastard almost inflicted the torture she's been fighting against all her life on her, and I barely got there in time? Do you think Cragen doesn't want to crawl inside a bottle again every time he reminds himself that he almost let one of his best detectives, the woman he considers his daughter, get raped while she was defenceless? Because we can't forget. None of us can. I can't go back and protect Liv from that son of a bitch, but I can protect her from getting pushed over the line by you one too many times. Let her go." Fin ended the last sentence of his speech in a whisper, then walked away and sat down.
Elliot's head was a mess of thoughts and emotions. Anger. Hurt. Fear. But most of all, the thought rang in his head that maybe Fin was right. Olivia deserved to be happy. He certainly hadn't been helping with that. Maybe it was best for her to start fresh. And maybe that was the best thing he could do for her.
Letting her go wouldn't be easy, Elliot knew. He guessed, on some level, he had always assumed she would be there. But Fin was right, it was not fair in any way to her, and it was time he thought about her for a change.
Elliot sighed heavily and made his way out of the squad room. Forgiveness would come first, that she deserved. His heart felt heavy with the decision, but he knew it was right. He had to let her go.
A/N#2: So what did y'all think? I don't really like the ending, but I'm sick of Elliot putting Olivia through all his crap when she has enough to deal with. Please review, it would make me very happy!