More Random Stupidity. This one was inspired by an article I read about bad pick up lines in the newspaper.
Thanks once again to Star for being brave enough to beta for me.
The usual Bioware owns all stuff. Apologies to Jacob, lmao
Would you like Cheese with That?
Kaidan walked into the cabin and sank onto the lounge as Shepard came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her.
"I should leave the cabin more often, if this is the sight that greets me when I get back." He grinned as she pulled a face at him.
"Oh, the show's only just started Kaidan." Shepard pulled a scrap of silk from her drawer and waved it at him as she dropped the towel.
Kaidan stood and pulled her towards him. "Why do you do this to me? You know you don't have time now. Although I'm not sure if I should be worried about you putting on that underwear to meet with the Alliance brass."
"Well I do it because I can. It's fun. Besides, the anticipation will be good for you. Or me." She laughed as she pulled herself out of his arms. "I thought you guys were going off to do some male bonding."
"Yeah we are, although I'm not looking forward to it. Joker has a plan for Garrus. He and Jacob have been dusting off their best pick up lines to teach Garrus because they've decided he needs some female companionship."
"I like that idea, it will cheer Garrus up." Shepard finished dressing and sat down to pull on her boots.
"You only say that because you haven't heard some of Joker's lines. You know what happens whenever he gets involved in something. It will come back to bite me on the ass."
"Hey, tell Joker any biting of your ass better be done by me." Shepard stood up and gave him a quick kiss before heading out of the cabin.
Kaidan shook his head and sighed. "I'll hold you to that, as long as you kiss it better afterwards," he called after her as he started changing for his night out with the boys.
A couple of hours later Kaidan sat at a table in a sleazy bar nursing the same drink he'd started with. There was no way he was going to drink too much and not be able to keep his eyes on Joker. He was determined now to stay seated at their table. He'd already had his ass pinched more times than he could count. There will be hell to pay if Shepard notices any bruises. He was relieved that at the moment the pilot seemed to be focused on getting Garrus to the point where he would be silly enough to make a fool of himself. For once he wasn't the target of Joker's prank, and he intended to keep it that way. To make matters worse, Jack had joined their little party. So much for male bonding as Shepard called it. Joker was bad enough on his own but now he had Jack to egg him on as well.
Joker leaned towards Garrus. "So Garrus, you see any girls that take your fancy? You've been too tense lately, you need to try out a bit of that reach that you told Shepard about. Some of these girls look pretty flexible."
Kaidan gave Joker a puzzled look. "Do I even want to know?"
Jack laughed. "Don't worry Mr. Shepard, Garrus was just trying out his best lines on your girlfriend. I hear she's pretty flexible."
"Yeah but that didn't work out well for him so he should be listening to me and Jacob." Joker drained his glass and signaled the waitress for another round.
"So let's hear your best lines Joker. We already know about Jacob's prize line. It's a wonder he hasn't been kicked in the balls for it." Jack turned towards Jacob, "Come to think of it, what line did you use to pick up the Cerberus cheerleader?"
Jacob turned his attention away from a girl he'd been winking at and cleared his throat. "If you must know it was, 'What has 142 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.' The ladies all want to know about the prize that awaits them."
Kaidan rolled his eyes. If Jacob had tried that line on Shepard he would be worrying more about a different set of teeth than the ones on his zipper.
Jack who had been in the process of taking a mouthful of drink spat it across the table. "Fuck me. Even the cheerleader wouldn't fall for that one. Anyway I hear that steroids have the opposite effect." She looked suggestively at his crotch. "You know, I think I'd like to see that one in action Jacob."
Jacob stood up and smirked at Jack. "Watch and learn gentlemen."
They watched as Jacob sidled up to a woman at the bar. Her smile froze on her face as he started speaking. Before any of them could comment on his technique her knee connected with his groin.
He staggered back to them and clutched at the table with one hand while the other one clutched his groin. He was rocking up and down on his toes like a demented ballerina.
Jack wiped tears from her eyes as she spoke. "Should I ask the band to play the Nutcracker Suite in your honour, Jacob?"
Joker chuckled. "Hey I liked that one Jacob, but I don't think I'll bother taking notes at the moment. Good thing you showed us how it's done."
"It can't be worse than any of your prize winning lines, Joker," Kaidan said sardonically, reaching forward to take a cracker from the tray on their table.
"Would you like some cheese with that Alenko?" Joker asked pointing to the tray.
"Are you kidding? There's more than enough cheese around here already."
"It's easy to be smug when you've already got the girl, Alenko. Although Shepard wouldn't have looked at you if you didn't have that chick magnet you call an ass."
"Jealousy is a curse Joker. It must suck to be you, with only EDI and the extranet for company." Kaidan retorted.
"Hey, I also have the footage of you and Shepard to keep me amused, Alenko."
"Fuck this. Can we ignore the boyfriend's ass for now and focus on the task at hand." Jack interrupted. "I'm still waiting to hear your best lines Joker."
"I don't want you to get turned on and start stalking me Jack." He leaned close to Garrus and whispered to him.
"Yeah, no telling what EDI would do to you if she got jealous." Jacob laughed as he flexed his muscles for a passing group of asari, having recovered quickly from his previous feminine encounter.
Kaidan was really hoping that they could call it a night soon. He looked at Garrus, whose mandibles were quivering as he stared at Joker.
Garrus shook his head. "I am not saying that to any of the girls here Joker. Why don't you show me how it's done?"
"What was the line Garrus? I'll show you how it's done." Jacob stood up and pointed to a group of women seated at a nearby table.
"Is you father a lumberjack? Because whenever I look at you, I get wood in my pants." Garrus managed to choke out with a sideways look at Jack.
"Really subtle Joker. No wonder you have to rely on the extranet." Jack said, once more in danger of choking on her drink.
"I'm hurt Jack. The extranet site I got that one from said it was guaranteed."
"Yeah guaranteed to get you smashed in the face." Jack laughed and turned to point at Jacob, "Or in the balls like the cheerleader's boyfriend."
"I have loads of others, all tried and tested. 'I lost my virginity, can I have yours?' or 'Is that top felt? Would you like it to be?' The one I think that will work best for Garrus though is 'I am feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?" Joker looked towards Jacob. "Feel free to pick one and show us how it's done."
"Shit, if any of those work I'm really fucking disappointed in the entire female population of the galaxy." Jack spat out. She eyed Kaidan with a wicked grin on her face. "I hear that one of Shepard's personal favourites is 'Can I dip you in chocolate?' I'm told it works a charm on you, Alenko, care to tell us what parts you like dipped? But I guess Garrus can't eat chocolate so that one's probably out for him."
Kaidan sighed. He'd long since decided he would not rise to any bait they threw at him and took a mouthful of his drink. With any luck this night will soon be just a really bad memory.
Jacob stood up. "Watch and learn." He then turned to walk over to the women he had been eyeing off.
"For fuck's sake Jacob, sit back down before you get hurt again, because if those girls don't hurt you the cheerleader will, and she'll make sure you don't recover quite so quickly." Jack grabbed his arm and pulled him back into his chair.
Joker turned his attention back to Garrus. "C'mon Garrus, you have to try out at least one of these lines before we leave. Or you can be like Alenko here and just act all innocent and drop the 'I've enjoyed serving under you' line and let the girl do all the work. Although that one only works with your commanding officer."
Garrus jumped at the opportunity to shift the focus onto Kaidan. "Hmmm, maybe I should try that with Shepard then. What do you think Kaidan?"
Jack spoke up before Kaidan could even think of a retort. "That will never work for you with Shepard, Garrus. You don't have the ass for it."
"I'm very disappointed with you Garrus." Joker shook his head sadly. "Looks like we are all going to have to put in to raise enough to get you an appointment with the consort, unless you'd like me to give you some really stimulating extranet sites."
"I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I have calibrations waiting for me back on the Normandy. And I'm not nearly drunk enough to fall for any of your crap, Joker." Garrus laughed at the hurt expression on Joker's face.
"Your loss Garrus. I'll just settle the tab and catch up with you guys." Joker said as he left the table.
Kaidan sighed in relief as they stood up to leave and started heading towards the doors. He felt a particularly hard pinch on his ass and turned around to see one of the asari dancers smiling at him, and she spoke before he could say anything.
"Are those space pants you're wearing because your ass is out of this world."
"I'm sorry Miss, I'm not interes….." he trailed off as he noticed Joker and Jack high five each other while Garrus and Jacob laughed. "Bastards."
"You're going to have some explaining to do when Shepard sees the bruise, Alenko."
Oh yeah, wait till Shepard hears this one. She's not likely to be in a good mood after an all day meeting with the brass. I knew this night would bite me on the ass. He gave his laughing friends a disgusted look and stalked off back to the Normandy, leaving them to follow in his wake.