" Boy " interrupted
Disclaimers :
Xander Harris and ço belong to Joss Whedon ( the lucky bastard ) , and maybe that's best .
Anyone who knows my stories , something which I seriously doubt , knows that I never ever intend to make a good ending .
This story is very loosely based on the movie 'girl , interrupted ' , a movie that , just like ' A flew over the cuckoo's nest ' , sent shivers over my spine . The series Willow Interrupted from Challie were the basis for these new series .
This is my first Spike/Xander fic . Warned ...
The song that is used is from Jon Bon Jovi's album Destination anywhere . My personal favorite .
Second one if from the Cropdusters, the song Song for you , from the Homegrown Agent Orange album . Punk . Anarchy ! Yes !
Also , I'm having troubles with using the word ' lover(s) ' . I do not think they're suited for the relationship that Xander and Spike have here in this story .
Summary : Love/hate relationship with Xander and Spike
Rating : NC-17 , just to be safe .
Archive : Yes . Just drop a message in my box to let me know the address of the site . Have fun ! Orban_stephanie@yahoo.fr
" Boy " interupted part one
Xander just stared in shock as he saw his girlfriend stand in front of him , in all her glory . Her beautiful face turned into this .... demon . Her eyes turned red . Full of hate . No love at all .
" Anya ... " , he stammered as he paced backwards , away from her . Away . Away was good .
She shook her head slowly , staring to him in dismay . " Not Anya . Anyanka . "
She walked closer to her former lover , and smiled evilly .
" I guess I owe you an explanation . After all , t'was you that I spent three years of my life with . Fucking , fucking and again fucking . What a wonderful time . "
Xander frantically wanted to get out of her way , but was trapped . With his back against the wall . Looking right and left , he could see no ways of escape . Trapped .
" You know that I want to see the Demon council . Asked to get my locker back . Didn't get it . " She licked her lips as she evilly looked into Xander's eyes . " Went there again , not long after that . Asked it again . They told me that they'd reconsider . "
With her hand , she reached for Xander's cheek , but stopped when she saw him cringe under her touch . Power . She had power . She yet again feared the humans . What a great feeling .
" They set me before a challenge . If I could live as a complete human for the next three years , bearing the same weaknesses , I could become a revenge demon again . And I accepted it . "
She reached for the new locker around her neck that was hers . " And as I was forced to spend those three years on the hellmouth , I thought that I better could spend it with someone worth it . Someone who was any good at fucking . Someone neglected by his
friends . Someone whose soul was so dark , that the loss of being a demon , was less hard . "
Anyanka smiled again , but this time it was less vicous . Almost a friendly smile . " And merely for that fact , I will let you live . "
But her voice grew angry again , her eyes vicious . Her lips hard . " But your friends ... they will perish underneath my touch . "
She observed the human , who stood shaking against the wall . She sniffed in the smell of fear , and threw her head back , let out a burst of evil laughter . Then she returned her attention to the human . Xander .
" Now , flee , human . Don't return . " She pointed her hand towards the exit . " Flee . "
Xander tried to regain all his courage as he ran towards the exit , trying not to look her in the face . He ran as hard and as fast as he could , hearing her evil laughter ring in his ears , until he could no more . Panting heavily , he bent over to grab hold of his knees , as he tried to control his breathing , growing aware of his environment . A cemetary . In his haste to run away from her , he had not looked where he was running . And around two o'clock in the night , cemetaries weren't very safe places .
" Ah look , dinner . "
# God no ! Not now . Not now ! Not a vampire . Please , not a vampire . # , Xander thought frantically as he slowly rose , aware that the vampire was merely inches away . A bad , mean vampire . Not good at all . Weakly Xander spun around , retrieving the stake out of his jacket . But the vampire merely looked at it , and slammed it away . Just like that .
" Now , let's get to business . About time . " The vampire grabbed him quickly , holding him in an iron embrace , his arm clenched aroun his ribs . Face in vamp mode . Xander closed his eyes , feverlishly trying to get some air , as the vampire let his fangs grew and bent over to his neck . He waited for the pain to come , but it didn't . He felt a hard blow , and he was dropped to the ground .
Looking up , still trying to catch his breath , he saw Spike . Spike . Fighting with this vampire . Xander winced as the vampire turned to dust . So close ... so very close .
" You okay , droopy boy ? You look like a freaked out zombie ."
Xander managed to shake a shaky no before he passed out cold . Sighing , Spike picked up the human and draped him over his shoulder , then set his way to the Magic Box .
" Big boy dropped out cold after I rescued him from a vampire . And you don't have to thank me , Buffy . My miserable life is a big a reward . "
Buffy smiled annoyed as she saw Spike grin about his own joke .
" Oh my God ! Is he okay ? " Willow ran to him , pulling at him , trying to get him of Spike's shoulders . Spike let go of the human , and laid him down on the counter .
" Looks like it . Vamp didn't hurt 'im . Just squeezed his ribs a bit . Never hurt anyone , that . " Spike felt into the pockets of his leather jacket to find his pack of cigarettes . Taking it out of the pocket , he continued the search ofr his Zippo , but didn't find it . He put the cigarette between his lips and turned his sideaways , and lit it with the burning candle .
" And besides , he's coming back to world , can hear his heartbeat fasten , Buf . Put that stake away , or I'll be happy to turn over this candle . " , Spike said , placing his hand on the candlebra , and turned it slightly over . " No problem . "
Rolling her eyes , Buffy placed the stake next to her , on the table . She never wanted a stake for away from her for long , especially not when this *vampire* was around .
" Xander ? You okay ? " Tara had run to the kitchen and brought back a glass of water ; and now was handing it to him . With shaking hands , he accepted the glass and drank from it , never breaking eye-contact with the door . " What happened ? "
" Anya . " , he sighed as he put down the empty glass . " She fooled us all . She's a demon again . " Deeply considering that it was not a good thing for them to know that Anya wanted to kill them .
" Xander , I'm so sorry for you ... " Willow . Willow again .
" You do look pretty shook up , Xander . Maybe you sould go home , and get a rest . We could talk tomorrow about this ... unfortunate circumstance ." , Giles proposed to him , as Xander jumped of the counter , wearily , shook up . Scared .
Frantically the boy shook his head . " NO ! Anya could just decide to make a last trip back home . And I have no intention at all to see her again . "
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Spike angrily shook his head . Why him ? Why Xander ? He observed the human as he sat in the
chair , his *only* chair , his hands in his hair , not far from the edge from plucking it out and he looked like he could cry . Again . The bloody poof .
" And don't thank me for saving your life , mate . "
The boy looked up , his eyes depressed . " Spike , this is *not* the time . So not the time . So shut up and do what you usually do . "
" What I *usually* did , I can't do no more . " He moved to besides Xander , and showed him a prefect smirk . " Thanks to those guys of the Inniative . And soldier boy . "
The last words came out of him as a growl . Xander shut his ears , closed his eyes , and tried not to listen to the noisy vampire , but that became impossible as pushed the top of the tomb aside , what made a screeching sound . It made Xander look up and saw in amazement how Spike carefully reached into the tomb with his righthand , and plucked out a skull , it's under cheek missing .
" What *are* you doing ? "
" Making up my bed . " Spike threw the skull in a corner of the crypt , and reached back inside the tomb to retrieve some more
bones . " You didn't seriously think that , just because I let you sleep in *my* bed , that I was going to sleep on dry bones and worms , now was you ? "
CLANK . It only took him a minute to clean out the tomb . Then he spread out a couple of spare blankets over the cold granite stone , knowing that he was going to be hell of stiff the next morning .
" Spike , that's just disgusting . " Xander managed to tear his eyes away from the pile of bones that once had been a human , and instead of that just looked at Spike .
" That's just what I have to do when a petrified human sleeps in *MY* bed . " , was Spike's only answer as he went to his little fridge and opened it .
" Oh yeah . One big bottle of Vodka for me alone . " , he muttered quietly , lost in himself for a couple of seconds . Then he quickly looked aside . " But we can share , if you like . Just you and me . The old mates of the basement . You can even tie me up in that chair if you like . "
Xander closed his and muttered : " Why ? Why ? " , shaking his head . He just wanted to sleep , make Spike fade away to a faraway past . One that rather hadn't happened .
" I think I'm going to bed . " Xander get up , and slowly walked to the bed , his eyes sore from crying in the arms of Willow , his head aching from the many questions that Buffy had kept on asking but that he didn't want to answer , his heart aching from such a wonderful loss . Anya . Almost his wife . Almost his true mate .
He pulled the blankets aside for a moment , hesistating to undress himself . But then firmly reminding himself that Spike had probably seen every part of his body during his stay in his basement , he pulled his shirt over his head and put it on his bed . Then , the hesistation and shame totally gone , he pulled of his shoes and unstripped his jeans , and got in bed and pulled the blankets over him .
They felt cool , and smelled of Spike . Spike's cigarettes , Spike's booze .
Closing his eyes , it took him a long , long time to fall asleep .
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Spike startled out of his sleep . The human was moaning , yelling ... Sweating if his senses weren't deceiving him . He sighed as he forced himself to drag his asleep body towards his bed , where the human was sleeping . Reaching out a hand meaning to shake him awake , it drifted to the boy's hair , staying there an inch higher . Then he moved his hands towards the boy's shoulder and shook him hard . He moaned , still in the dream . He shook him again , this time waking the boy . He bolted upright in bed , grabbing Spike's throat , almost squeezing it thight .
Xander , his eyes small from the lack of a good sleep , slowly removed his hand from Spike's throat , not speaking .
" Sorry about waking you , Xan , but you were even awakening the undead . "
A small smirk . His eyes laughing . Xander found himself studying that vampire , watching every move , as if the vampire fascinated him . As he sat there , he tried to understand what had made him reach for Spike's throat . He tried to remember ... and found out that he couldn't . Feeling the need to apoligze towards Spike , he stammered , seeking the right words .
" Sorry will bloody do . Thanks for your concern to try to kill William The Bloody alias Spike . " Another smirk as he eased himself back into the tomb , although not even day .
Confused but dazed , Xander let himself drop back onto the bed , not ready to cope with anything else at all except for sleep .
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Xander awoke , looking around , hearing noise coming from somewhere , obviously the TV , and saw Spike seated in his sofa watching ' Passions ' , totally lost in the current episode .
Xander found out that he couldn't stop staring at him . He looked so gorgeous , just like that , at his ease , with ruffled hair , and a wrinkled shirt , a cigarette in his hand , a bottle of whiskey in the other , eyes weary of the little sleep he'd had . Without the pretentious attitude he always carried around with him . Just simply ... Spike ... in a moment that he was totally unaware of anyone at all . Or was it William ? While his eyes were observing every movement of the vampire , Xander remained quiet , not even trying to breathe out loud .
Finally Spike looked up from the television as the program was finished , and loked towards Xander .
" Do you enjoy it , staring at me ? " Spike lit another cigarette , throwing the lighter on the small coffee table . So very much on his ease . Xander groaned softly , trying to resist this desire inside of him .
" Very much so ." Xander responded bluntly as he sat up , and drafted a few fingers through his dark and messy hair , not losing Spike out of the eye .
" Glad to know . " The vampire stood up , walking to the television set to push on the power button . The Tv went out with a weak ' plonk ' , and Spike turned towards Xander again , eyes glittering of pleasure .
" I take that is a good thing , then . "
Spike was tempting the young male , he he *knew* it damn well . He wriggled his ass playfully as he stood up and turned his back to Xander , taking another cigarette from the nearby table .
Xander chuckled as he was aware that the vampire *was* fooling around and how much he felt like playing around , a little voice , the angel one , in his head told him that is was wrong .
* This is bad , Xander ! Bad ! "
And then the other voice in his head , the devil one , told him : * C'mon , dude ! Let's go for it ! *
" Uhm , Spike , what are you doing ? "
Spike looked at him with a rather cross face . " What does it look like that I'm doing ? I'm smoking a cigarette . "
Any sign of the seducing was gone . Spike was his normal self again , and Xander felt like usual , disgusted over Spike .
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Part two
" I see . I understand . " Xander looked up to Buffy , noticing that she had a stake clenched in her right hand , her eyes constantly lingering off to Spike . " For you it's alright , to have been shagging with Angel , but if it's me with Spike , that suddenly is *bad* . Looks like I don't have to count on sympathy or happy calls . "
" Angel is good . Nothing like Spike ! " And then softer : " How could you not have told me ? "
" I prefered to tell Willow first . After all , she knows ... if you can possibly get what I mean . And Angel just has a soul . Count the murderers on the streets with souls ! Doesn't mean that if you have a soul , you can't *kill . Look at yourself , Buf . "
" These are vampires . Bad . Just like Spike . "
Xander fiercely looked into Buffy's eyes . " And *you* dare to tell me who I should be together with ? At least Spike is predictable . "
" Predictable ? Do you have any idea what can happen if he loses that chip ? "
" Not very different from some of the ex-girlfriends that I've had in my life . And besides , since when do *I* have to ask for your persmission to shag with Spike ? After all , it's you who came into my house without knocking ! "
Xander angrily turned around , and walked up to Spike , grabbing his hand , to drag him along to the door of the shop . But then he turned around again , and said : " And you know , there's nothing you can do about it . "
Spike opened the door , leaving a really pissed off Xander Harris outside to cool off and followed Xander to the corner of the street , where he abruptly turned around , facing Spike .
" And you don't have to say a thing , Mister ! " Xander's eyes were big of anger , as he stood there , one hand lifted , one finger pointed towards Spike .
" What was there bloody left to say ? You pretty much said it all . Pretty much shut the Slayer up as
well . Good job . "
Spike rummaged around in his pockets , trying to find his unfindable smokes , until Xander silently reached in one of his front jacket pockets and retrieved the desired cigarettes .
" You always know where everything is . " , Spike teased , hoping to get Xander in a better mood . " Just like old mumsie did . "
" Don't even start . " Xander pushed the vampire aside , grumbling angrily as he walked his way home , leaving Spike behind for whatever he wanted to do . Just for this once , he just didn't care .
Spike saw the human leave , couldn't help to let all kinds of feelings wash him over . What the hell had happened ? He didn't mean just now , but things that had happened over the span of three months .
Anya had continued to give Xander deathtreats , each time frightening the hell out of him . Xander was getting depressive , seriously , and he didn't like an inch of it .
If it wasn't for Xander , he gladly would've killed that demon bint a long , long time ago . But anyway , the future was still open bright . Everything could still happen . And he just dearly hoped that they were good .
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" He , Xanpet . " Spike dropped his trousers and kicked them off him , whilst leaning against the closet so he couldn't tumble over . " You okay ? "
" Angry . Confused . Scared . " , the young man mumbled in the cushions , as he arched his back .
" Very angry . "
" Let me guess ... Goldilocks ? Don't you mind her , Xan . " , Spike said as he lifted the heavy , warm body up into his arms , cradling him like a baby . " She's stupid . After all , she's a blonde . "
" So are you . " , muttered Xander as he looked up to the eternal young face of his lover .
" But I got a teeny weenie bit more brains then she has . " He smirked as he looked down to Xander . " Buffy and me are cut out of the same wood , but I'm going to last a lot longer because mine's isn't rotten yet . "
" I guess you're right about that . "
Spike felt the human smile against his chest , and suddenly happiness hit him . Whenever his lover was happy , he was . Not a difficult thing to achieve .
" Spike ... I'm quite tired . I just want to sleep . Stay with me , please ? "
The boy lay down on the bed and and Spike laid down next to him , draping an arm over his lover's chest , and nestled his head in the cavity of Xander's neck , feeling awfully comfortable there . The boy shivered for a second , feeling cold skin touch his own , and then drew closer to Spike .
This was the way it was supposed to be . It felt good . And so wrong .
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PART THREE Four years later
The boy's knuckles hurt . badly . He absently stroked them as he looked at of the window , taking in a bit of the freedom he'd been forced to miss for so long . Maybe that was why he spent hours and hours in front of the few windows that were in the television room , seated in that rotan chair , smoking his cigarettes .
Or maybe because he just wanted some diversion from the boardgames , the TV with the same old programmes or the patients .
The boy let his head drop against the padded wall , closing his eyes for a second .
He wanted to leave . He just wanted to go home , where he belonged . But the doctors didn't think so . It was painful to see some patients leave for good , while new ones came , as he knew that they would leave him also . He'd given up on friendship .
God , he wanted to smoke so badly . Smoking calmed him down , soothed the angry feelings inside of him , but that didn't make them disappear , though . Just made him disappear for a while .
Hearing his fellow patients screaming and yelling as they watched the long-awaited football game , that the staff had been promising for so long now to diffuse , he felt locked out , just like a little kid . Sighing , he sagged down to the ground , leaned with his sore back against the white , padded wall , trying to imagine what the football match would be like ... But he had never been good at imagining .
" Damned ! " He beated against the wall , with his hands in fists , knowing very well that it wouldn't hurt . These walls weren't supposed to do him any harm . Enraged , he ran towards the iron door which wasn't padded , and starting kicking it . That *did* hurt . And it *felt* good .
" Damn ! You fucking arseholes ! " He kicked some more , now beating with his hands too . " Let me watch the fucking match ! "
He heard the nurses of the ward run towards his cell , something that usually went together with a lot of pain , sedation , and the most feared of them all ; the shocks . But for once he wasn't thinking clearly , all logic drained out of his brains , and continued to kick , even as the nurses opened the door and tried to take hold of him .
When he saw nurse Tony coming towards him with a syringe , he started to panic , kicking even harder and faster , until Tony stabbed the needle into his right arm . Realizing that he'd been defeated , he slowed down his struggle , it finally coming to an end .
" Richard , bring Mr. Harris to the tirthteenth floor , please . " The boy heard the ice-cold voice of Tony as they placed him on a bancard and strapped him tightly with leather straps . " And make sure that he doesn't cause any more problems . "
Xander spit towards the direction that he thought the voice had come from , and yelled : " You fucking bastard ! "
Out of Xander's sight , Tony smirked as they brought the screaming boy away .
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Spike traced the outlines of the boy's face on the picture with his index finger , trying to remember how it had been to touch him for real , to hold him for what had seemed like an eternity back them , but only seemed like seconds now .
" Spike , your food is ready ! "
Footsteps came up the steps , going to his room . Broken out of his reverie , he watched , not very pleased , as someone entered his room . It only could be one person , and that was Willow . She'd moved a couple months in after Xander had disappeared , worried about his condition .
When she'd moved in , she had found the house in complete chaos , evey piece of furniture broken , the pieces of it shattered allover the house . Only Spike's and also Xander's room had been in a pristine state , so clean , so tidy that she'd been afraid to come in . Spike had looked like shit , not having fed properly over the last few weeks since that Xander had run away . Taking care of him , she quickly had gained a place in Spike's life , treating him more as a human , not as a vampire , even though the blood gave a surreal ring to it .
Spike took the damping mug out of her hands , his long , pale fingers encicrling the mug's ear as he placed the frame back where it belonged , and quickly shot her his " Thank you " look .
Willow nodded shortly , put her hands in the pockets of her jeans , and left the room . " No problem . "
Spike found himself staring at the picture again , and felt as though he was going crazy . And fed up with the situation . It had been just over two years since Xander had run away , and he hadn't heard a word of him . Starting to believe that the boy was either dead or just didn't want to return to Sunnydale , he'd tried to forget about his former lover , got the house rid of every Xander-feature that there was ; from the picture in Spike's room to Xander's CD's . But soon regret and sorrow had started to gnaw at him , and he had put every item back .
The blood was warm , and for a change it wasn't animal's blood . Looking up surprised as he realised that , Spike wondered how the hell Red had managed to get him that . She did more of those surprise things lately , as if worried he was perishing away . Two nights ago , she had almost persuaded him to go to The Bronze , with her usual enthousiasm and perkiness .
But the only thing Spike had wanted to do was to sleep . Because it had been the second anniversary of Xander's disappearance . Forgiving Willow for forgetting that , he had gone back to bed , trying to imagine Xander's body against his , but he had found that it had become difficult lately . He found himself forgetting how he smiled , how his brown eyes lit up when happy , how Xander's warm body had felt against his cold , dead body .
Bloody hell . He just wanted to say that for now . Bloody hell .
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" Bloody hell ... ", he moaned weakly as he opened his eyes .
Xander found himself strapped onto a bed , which was no doubt on the thirteenth floor . His hands and legs were hurting badly , but not bad enough for him to care about . His head was throbbing , painfully , and he wished now that he'd just stayed calm and had not freaked out . But it was too late now . Way too late . He had surrendered , and he had to pay ; they had taken up the electroshocks again .
Xander winced at the pain that went through his body . A big part of it just felt numb , as it had fallen asleep , the rest of it was painfully stressed ; every movement he made hurt him . Not that he could move a lot , strapped into a position like this .
He wanted to stay awake , show the doctors that he still wasn't so easily defeated , but some voice in his head said : " Go to bed , Xan-pet . You need it . To get better . "
Xander closed his eyes as he remembered Spike . God , how he missed him ... He missed Spike the most . The worst about being here was that he wasn't able to hold him . To hold him tight , just tangled up in eachother , quietly . He just wanted to hold him . But of course , as Spike was supposed to have died as William a good two hundred years ago , Xander was forced to keep him
a secret , for Spike's and his own sake .
He knew the doctors would find the description of a man called 'Spike' very unbelieveable , so he just kept his gob closed about him . It wasn't easy , but the best thing for both of them .
Xander closed his eyes , taking his own advice . But still , even after two years , he found it hard to fall asleep without a cold body next to his side .
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PART FOUR
Spike descended the stairs , then headed straight for the living room , stopping in front of the CD-rack . Only since recently , Willow's personal choice of CD's had joined his punk collection , and Xander's extensive collection , varying from blues to rock , a big part of them being C&W CD's. Lingering his eyes along the big choice of albums that he could choose from , he picked one of Willow's personal favorites , an album that included a spine-chilling track called ' Every word was a piece of my heart ' . Even though the song had a a rather cheesy name , Spike loved it on days like this , when the loss of Xander fell down hard on him .
Taking the CD-box out of the rack , and removing the CD from the box and placing it into the stereo , he hitted play , and sat back in his sofa , listening as the words washed out of the machine .
( Heavy rock music beat begins )
I've been staring at the page for what seems like days
I guess I put this one off for a while
Did I see a tear fall from your eyes
Or did you laugh so hard that you cried ?
When I served my secrets on a silver tray to you
Hey now , I guess the night's just bringing me down
There's no love , there's no hate
I left them there for you to take
But , I know every word was a piece from my heart
You've been the blood in my veins
The only one who knows my middle name
And the smiles came easy because of you
You know that I love you , but I hate you
'Cause I know I can never escape you
Let the choir sing for tonight I'm an easy mark
Hey now , I'm just acting a little too proud ...
Spike abruptly stopped the CD , pushing on several buttons to get it out , roughly put it back into his box and back into the rack .
Then he turned over to the kitchen to grab a smoke . Wiilow had forbidden him to smoke upstairs anymore , as the white paint in Spike's ( and Xander's ) bedroom was starting to turn an ugly yellow , and she couldn't afford herself losing time with either painting the walls or cleaning them . So , hearing the seriousness in Red's voice , he'd done what she asked . Even if that included spending a lot more time in the kitchen then anywhere in the house .
You've been the blood in my veins
The only one who knows my middle name ...
Spike angrily shook his head , trying to make the song go away from his mind before that sentence would drive him crazy . A desperate call , yes he knew , but music had been made for a purpose . And if it actually worked in *his* case , he'd see no reason *not* to play it . Not as long Willow didn't figure out that he had been playing her CD's whenever he was a little blue .
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" Hey , Spike not with you ? " Buffy looked up from her books , seeing Willow enter the shops all alone .*All alone *
" One of those days again . " , she explained shortly , knowing the others would understand as she dropped her bag onto a chair and removed her jacket . " Gave him that human blood you retrieved , Buffy . I'd like to believe he drank it all . "
" Don't worry about him . In a couple of days he'll be the same old sarcastic Spike again , fighting with the demons , and calling me Goldilocks . You know him . "
' Yeah , I do ' , Willow thought bitterly as she sat behind a computer to do her research for the night . ' It's been on and off like this for two years . But you just don't seem to notice . '
She tapped a few words on her keyboard , and saw those appear on the screen . Then she tapped some more words , watching as the list grew . Since Xander's disapearance , they had made a daily routine out of trying to find him . But it looked like Xander didn't want to be found .
Aargh , she grew so stressed from this , knowing that this time wouldn't bring any good results , like the time before that , and before that , and before that . An endless list of 'before that's' . When Spike had found out , he'd said that if Xander wanted to be found , he would return to Sunnydale , without poof or paf .
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Xander looked out of the dirty window , not fully realizing what he was watching . He didn't want to , needed all his concentration to control his hunger . It had been three days since he'd been relieved of the shock theraphy , after it had lasted for one week . One week of terrible pain , one week of secretly thinking of Spike ... and not being able to tell it someone . Yes , he could write a letter to Spike , but then he had to risk that his doctor would read it , throw it away , and never post it .
He wasn't allowed to make a phonecall , not allowed to write , or to e-mail , a luxury that had been added to the seventh ward since recently . He was allowed visit , but no one knew where he was , so ...
And even though if he wanted to write a letter , his right hand wasn't the same anymore . He found it shaking everytime he held a pencil , or a cigarette , or even a knife . His own handwriting had become unreadable , even to himself .
The reason why Xander had been relieved from the shocktherapy was not because he reacted positively on it , but because he had stopped eating . He had simply *refused* to eat anymore . They had taken away his clothes , trading them in for an embarrasing hospital gown ; but as long as Xander sat down in that rotan chair in front of the window , smoking cigarettes , an action that reminded him of Spike , he didn't care .
A piece of paper flew to his head , bumping against his temples . The shock had shaken him awake , and he looked sideaways to see who it had been . Tom . One of the few lesser crazy guys on this wards . The guy was just a bit shy , that was all .
He picked it up , and unfolded it .
" He Xander , cool thing you did ! We support you , dude . The dudes of the seventh ward . "
For one of the few times throughout the two years , a smile unfolded upon Xander's lips as he lifted his left hand , showing them a peace sign . Then he tore the piece of paper apart and threw the small pieces into his ashtray , and continued to stare outside . The only thing he could do on boring days like this . Amongside these nutcases .
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" A whiskey . And leave the bottle . " Willy nodded , then went to retrieve the whiskey and a glass . Spike had been doing this at least for two years , coming four times a week to his bar , getting drunk , and then stumbling his way home .
Spike glanced around the bar , just to see who was here tonight . Nothing special . A couple of demons , two or three vamps , and two humans . As he turned his attention back to his glass and his bottle , Willy smiled gently as he set back to doing the dishes .
Of course , he heard every word that the people were saying in the bar , the curse of his supernatural hearing . The radio was playing rather cheesy music , that couldn't bother him to listen to properly . Britney Spears , The Corrs , Coldplay ... All the music washed any meaning of time away , as he was drinking his whiskey , and the contains of the bottle grew smaller .
A soft ballady music began , with a woman's voice that sounded rather depressive . Not trying to listen , but failing at that , he listened to the words of the song , and had the feeling he could cry . But he didn't . William cried , not Spike . # I'm in chains .....#
" Willy , change the fucking music . " The bartender looked up , saying : " Yeah , Spike . Sure . " He pushed on another button , and found a radiostation with rockmusic . Spike nodded , and the bartender went back to his work .
The were talking out loud , something that annoyed him greatly . Just as he wanted to turn around , they changed of conservation . And * that * was interesting .
" You know that I have a brother who works in a mental home in New Orleans . And he told me that there's a guy from Sunnydale in there . Completey nuts . Keeps on fighting the nurses and the patients . Seems that when he gets shocks , he begs for more . "
The human made the well-known sign .
" Wouldn't surprise me , after all Sunnydale IS the hellmouth . But I keep forgetting his name . Said to myself that I had to keep in mind , to tell it to you . Maybe you know him ... Damn ! "
The human drank some from his glass and then came with a triomfantic smile . " Xander ... Barryl or something . "
Spike turned around and said violently : " Xander Harris ? You're talking about Xander Harris ? "
" Yeah , that's it ! What , you know him ? " The human had a sheepish expression on his face , so stupid that Spike wanted to smash it of his face .
Spike got up , leaving his drink on the counter , and walked up to the group of humans . " Listen , I don't know whose vampire toy you are , but I suggest you'd better tell me quickly where that Xander Harris is in . " Putting his gameface on , he neared the humans . The pain came , but Spike tried to hold it back .
" In New O-o-orl---e---ans . ", the human stammered . " In a mental home . "
" What mental home ? " , he growled as he slowly lifted the human from his chair by his collar , trying to fight back the pain .
" Hey , Spike , knock it out . " , Willy yelled from behind the bar . Spike shrugged and growled some more . This was really hurting .
" There's only one in New Orleans . "
Satisfied with this answer , Spike dropped the human , relieved as the pain in his head faded . He walked up to the bar , as he heard Willy utter : " You're not coming in anymore ! Scaring my clients ! "
Spike dropped the money on the counter , and left . " See ya ! "
He had hurried to be home . Seeing that the lights were on , Willow hadn't gone asleep yet . As he pulled the door open , he saw that Giles and Buffy had joined her .
" Hey , Spike . " , they greeted him absently as they were researching in the books , furtherly not caring about Spike .
" I know where Xander is ! "
" Huh ? " All the faces turned towards him , and Spike sneered as Giles asked if he were sure .
" Of course ! Bloody hell , would I be lying about Xander ? "
" No , I ... I ... gu... ess not . Where is he ? "
" In a-fucking Anne -Rice's New Orleans . In a mental home . And , as in a matter of a fact , I'm going there right now . "
" I'm coming with you . " , Willow said . " I'll drive . "
" Hold it ! Hold it ! " Buffy lifted her hands as in a way to stop them from doing crazy things . " No one is going away to New Orleans without me ! "
" Why would you care ? " Spike looked her in the eye , with a look that she knew . He wanted to kill her . Rape her . No big deal .
" Xander's is one of my friends too . Remember ? "
" Yeah , I noticed a lot of that over the past two years . " , Spike shot back as he sat down in the sofa , litting another cigarette as Giles paced around the living room .
" Maybe we should all go . " Giles looked up to the gang , and smiled . " After all , we are all *friends* of Xander . "
Now they were in a car , driving through New Orleans , trying to find the hospital . He didn't know why Buffy and Giles had even bothered to come with them , because they had been the ones against their 'relationship' . Glancing towards Buffy , who was singing along on her walkman , he wished that he could kill her .
Rip her heart out . Hang her hearts up in the trees . Cut her hair off and use it as filling for his pillow . Give her clothes to a big , fat
dog . Because it had been her that had driven Xander to the edge , and she didn't realize it at all . And the demon bint . And others that he was too fed about . They had left for New Orleans immediately .
" We're there , Spike . " , he heard Willow say . " Better get this blanket over you . " Willow threw it to him , and as the door went open , he ran out , with the blanket to cover him .
Just as in Sunnydale , nobody looked up strange as a smoking vampire entered the home , throwing the blanket of him as Willow went up to the desk , and asked : " Could we see Alexander Harris , please ? "
The nurse , bored of everyday's routine , tapped some words on the computer and said : Ward seven , take the elevators and stop at the fourth floor ."
Buffy smiled and said : " Looks like we're in a bit of luck . "
Inside the elevators , Willow could not help but notice how relaxed Spike was . As if it was a normal thing to visit Xander in a hospital . As if it was the easiest thing to do after two years of total absence .
They walked through the hall , a rather odd company , Buffy in mini skirt and a low cut top , Giles in tweed and Spike in his usual black ensemble . " Seems like this is the ward . "
Giles glanced at the number . " Yes , it is . " He walked up to the office , and said : " Visitors for Alexander Harris ? "
The nurse smiled gently as she got up and said : " I'll tell him that you are here . If you would follow
me . " She walked through the hall , and called out : " Xander Harris , visitors ! " Then she made a sign that they could enter the room , but Spike remained in the dark hall .
Xander looked up , expecting to see his parents . Willow came out of the hall , then Giles and then Buffy .
Thinking that he was dreaming , he turned his head back to the window , and looked at the traffic passing by .
" Xander ? " Willow touched him on the shoulder . " It's me , Willow . Giles and Buffy are here as
well . "
" I don't want to see them . " , he said blankly . " I don't want to see Buffy . "
" But she drove all the way down here for you . You must see her. "
" Well , I DON'T . " , Xander repeated again , with anger in his voice . " I just don't want to see her. "
" Spike is here . "
Xander turned his head towards the dark hall , and saw a figure all black standing in the hall .
" I don't know or if I can see him , Willow . "
" Why can't you ? " Willow kneeled down next to him , and carefully put her hand on his lap ." He's been looking for you all this time. " Her voice grew quieter . " He's been blue since you've been away . He hasn't been with another ever since . Not even once . "
" I don't want to , Willow . I can't . "
" You have to . Please make him feel better . " , Willow whispered softly , with tears almost in her
eyes ." Look at him. He's a wreck. "
Xander looked at Spike again , and slowly got up , supporting himself with his left hand , as he held his shaking righthand clutched to his side . He slowly made his way to the room , ignoring Buffy and Giles .
" Spike ... "
" Xan ... " Spike carefully lifted Xander's chin with his fingers . " Just make sure that you get home ... With me . "
Spike embraced him gently , his arms encicrling the o so gaunted boy , as afraid to break his ribs , and let his head rest upon Xander's head , calmly taking in the scents that he had been forced to miss for so long . Along the old , familiar smells , he also smelled the heavy scent of cigarette smoke . Closing his eyes , he wished that this feeling would last forever .
But it wouldn't . And Spike knew that .
PART FIVE
Spike lay barechested next to Xander , for the first time home since three years , moving his hand to the boy's right hand , who was even trembling in his sleep . Carefully , not to awake the boy , he took the shaking hand into his .
It hadn't been easy for Xander . Since he'd found him , the boy had had another nervous breakdown , electroshocks , you bloody name it , and it had taken him another year to get home . Home , in Spike's bed , surrounded by the things that he knew .
Spike's eyes saw , even in the dark , the numerous scars on Xander's arms and chest , wished that he could make it all undone . Take every inch of his lover's pain away , and give it some lucky bastard who had luck his whole life . Because Xander just didn't disserve this . Not at all . And he also saw the scar on Xander's right eyebrow , the one *he* , Spike , had caused in his fury the night Xander had run away .
The first thing that Xander had done when they had gotten home , was to open the TV and watch a match that was on the TV for the moment . Spike had let him do as he wanted , knowing that it would take some time for him to re-adjust .
Xander moaned softly in his sleep , and Spike softly reached with his hand to his hair , and left it there , his hand surrounded by Xander's long , dark hair . He had refused to get it cut . All just fine with Spike . All just fine .
He felt the moon rise , remembering how Dru would have been in ectase by then , and how she'd take him by the hand , and lead him outside to watch the moon unfold in her great glory . Spike's fingers tightened into the boy's hair , but not hard enough to hurt him . Sometimes he hated the boy , and sometimes he really loved him , but now ... Spike shook his head , trying to make the confusion go away .
He did love the boy , or else he hadn't waited so long for him . But bearing just in mind that Spike still had eternity in front of him , and Xander just had a mortal lifetime , which was extremely limited here in Sunnyhell , those three years just were seconds . But for Xander they had been three years of his life . Three years that he could've spent in a different way . Just because Xander had not been able to define the borderline of desperateness and craziness . Just because a slayer had decided to piss them off , continiously treathening to kill his 'lover' , and an ex-girlfriend who wanted nothing else then to hurt him severly . And the strangest was , that it had brought the two of them closer then ever .
But did he love him , or hate him ? Good question .
The next evening , he found Xander in the kitchen , trying to cut some vegetables for dinner , but he failed miserably at it , and gave up when he cut in his thumb .
" Come , give me that . " Spike took the knife , and cut up the veggies and threw them in the boiling water . " Better get a plaster on that , Xan pet . "
" Don't call me like that . " , he told him forcefully as he reached for his cigarettes . " I'm not your pet . "
" Fine , then I won't . " Spike looked up , and smirked as Xander lit the cigarette with a trembling hand .
" You ain't got much control over that hand . "
The boy looked at him with hate in his eyes , and then threw the lighter upon the breakfast bar .
" I think I might go for a walk . "
Spike glanced towards the kitchen window , seeing that it was dark . " You sure ? "
" Don't bemother me , Spike . After three years in a mental home , I do know how to defend myself . "
Spike grumbled angrily as he poured himself some coffee . " I'm sure you can luv , but humans and vampires are two different
things . "
" I . CAN . TAKE . CARE . OF . MYSELF . " , he said slowy , angry . " Believe me . "
And then Xander suddenly fleed from him , after grabbing his coat and hastily putting it on . Spike silently let the shimering fire die out , and went to the bar to grab all the bottles he could find . Time to get drunk tonight . Real drunk .
He opened the bottle of Vodka , and let the liquid burn his throat . He sighed as he drank more . And more . And more .
And when Xander finally had returned home , after two hours aimlessly walking through the town and for a change not seeing any vampires at all , he noticed the empty Vodka bottle lying on the couch . The dinner still lay cold in the pots , but Xander wasn't up for dinner anyway . In the mental hospital he had learned to make many a day without dinner .
Spike . He had to be upstairs , in their room . No doubt . Xander heard punk music emerge from behind the closed doors , loud enough for him to hear . Whatever Spike was up to , it was sure as hell meant for him .
Slowly climbing the stairs , gathering courage for whatever he was going to see , he suddenly found himself wondering what there was left . What was there left in their relationship ? What at all ? What but hate and occasional love ? And the lust ?
Opening the door , he found Spike on the bed , * with all his clothes on * , halfy passed out , holding a bottle of Martini . He looked up , smirking .
" Back , Xanpet ? "
" Looks like I am , Spike . "
" Did you get to beat a vampire into hell ? "
Xander smiled softly as he sat down next to the vampire . " No . No vampires . Looks like they've all fleed . " And then suddenly , Xander got goosebumps allover his back , as Spike was slowly running his hand over it .
" Spike ... "
" Uh uh . " , Spike teased as he placed the bottle on the floor , and ... turned Xander towards him .
( Punkish rockbeat begins with nagging singing voice ( something like The Clash ))
They don't care what happens
The world can blow itself to shit
People think they can demonstrate what they want
But I don't care what kind of machines
They resent
" Spike , you're drunk . " Xander hastily pulled away from his embrace . This ... this reminded him too much of his father . All the memories were crawling back in . Not now . Not now .
" I'm NOT drunk . Just have a little haze over me brain , that's all . Come into me arms , luv . "
Stay away from me , Spike heard the boy stammer softly as he walked away from him , his wide open of fear , his arms crossed protectively around his body .
Trying to shake the drunken haze off him , Spike saw how Xander let sink himself to the ground , his head between his knees .
" Xan ..., I didn't mean it this way . " Spike walked towards the coy , and tried to embrace him , but the boy kicked his arms away .
" You're just like Dad . You really are . " Xander looked up , his lips trembling in fear .
" Didn't want to freak you out , Xan . "
" I just was thinking that I might want to be alone for the night . Without you . "
" ' Kay luv . I''l find some place to stay . " Spike felt strange , this new feeling coming into him . Was it guilt ? Nah , couldn't be ! Someone who had been called William The Bloody couldn't feel guilty over the pains of a human .
" Don't call me luv . Just leave . "
" 'Kay ... " Spike didn't want to leave the boy , especially when he was in a state like this and when he saw him shake frantically , he enclosed the boy in an iron embrace .
" I was just pretending , luv . A vampire can drink a lot , really a lot before getting drink . "
" You were just like Dad . He'd get drunk , and he'd beat me up then . " Reality struck Spike as Xander stammered the words not fully realizing what he was saying .
" I'm not going to beat you up , Xan . In fact , I'm extremely sorry of the last time . "
Xander shrugged uneasily in his arms . " I guess it had a reason . After all , I wanted to kill you . "
" I was in a two-struggle , luv . Angry because this demon bint of yours knew you still loved her and took advantage of that every free moment to scare you to death . And then the Slayer . It drove me nuts . *And* you ."
Spike traced Xander's scar on his eyebrow , and wished that he hadn't done it .
" You did that . " , Xander said , feeling how how Spike traced it . " After I tried to stake you , you threw that glass towards me , to angry to do anything sane at all . I ran away , afraid that you would chase me , and would kill me anyway . "
" Couldn't , luv . The chip . I spent the next twenty minutes cringing on the floor in pure pain . "
" Went home . Packed my bags . Went on the road . Travelling . Anyanka kept on following me , town through town . After the last time she tried to attack me , I freaked out . " Xander paused to breathe . " Put myself into the home , out of free will . Just couldn't forget what Buffy had said . Or what I had done to hurt you . Grew paranoid . For a while it seemed like that the treatement didn't work at all . I was starting to forget things , all the details like Jesse , except for Buffy , Giles , and you . Couldn't sleep at night . Needed to feel your body next to mine . Punished myself for that . "
Xander looked down to his arms , and Spike knew what he meant .
" Listen to me , luv . Don't cut in your arms . It IS bad . No punishing at all . "
" I tried to kill you , Spike ... "
" You were paranoïd . I would've been too if my ex- girlfriend would give me deadtreats all the time ." After all , realising THAT took ME two years .
" Anya ... "
" Don't say the bint's name , for God's sake ! " , Spike hissed as nervously looked around the room .
" She might appear . Some hell of a demon she is now . "
Xander nodded self assured . " She won't no more . Asked Willow to do a spell to protect the
Scoobies . Said she knew such a spell . "
Spike just nodded because he wanted Xander to feel okay about his decision , even he knew it wouldn't work . Anyanka was a demon , stronger and more powerful then she'd been before . One of Willow's spells , with all his respect but THEY were weak , couldn't compete against her powers . Not at all . But he didn't say it . The boy's self confidence was knackered enough for as it was , and Spike had no intentions to send him straight to the home again .
" Maybe ... uhm , you just should get some sleep . I'll go outside to uhm ... kick some "
" Slayers ? "
" Maybe . " , Spike said thoughtfully , toying with the idea of bringing Xander with him to have a drink . But then , the boy could get hysterical again , just like now . " Or we could just go for a stroll in the park . "
Xander fiercely shook his head . " Nah . Too much chances of meeting vamps there . "
That comment made Spike smile . " And I'm not one ? "
" Not really . You climbed the ladder . To me , you're just Spike . " , Xander said convinced , the best Spike'd seen him in all the time they'd been together as a couple . " Not a vampire . "
Spike shook his head . " First time I heard that in a hundred years . Goodness . Still surprising me , love . What do you want to ? "
" Watch some telly . Eat some pizza . Hook off the phone . Just us two . "
" Manageble , luv . "
______________________________________________________
PART FIVE
One week later
The phone suddenly rang , breaking the comfortable silence that had been between them . Silence that just showed how at ease they were with eachother , all the missteps of the past forgotten for an instance , the work momentarily out of their minds . Until now , anyway .
" I'll go and fetch it , Cor . Don't you move . "
Angel quickly ran to his personal office , wanting to get over this disturbance as quickly as possible . he had in mind to tell the person in need , whoever it was , to call back later .
" Angel investigations . "
" Am I talking with Angel ? "
" Spike ? Is that you ? " Angel's heart grew heavy as in a sudden , and his mind already made up several scenarios for the disaster that Spike had to tell him . " Is everything okay ? "
" No ... Nothing is okay , souly . " , he heard Spike whine from the other line . " I just start to feel like you , poof . "
Angel smiled softly as he heard the mockery in his Childe's voice . " Spike , are you drunk ? "
" I wish ." He *did* not sound happy .
" Spike ..." Angel knew all about his Childe's relationship with the boy Xander , and fairly said , he had been surprised to hear this . But Spike was the kind of vampire that never ceased to surprise him . Ever .
" I just don't know it anymore , Angel . I love him ,but I also hate 'im . " Spike was so angry that his Cockney accent came back without he realised it . " He killed Dru , Angel ."
In state of shock , Angel temporarily dropped the phone . Even if he was a 'soulful' vampire , he still felt affection for Drusilla , even though it wasn't the real love that had been between Spike and Drusilla . Even he knew that . And then , regaining his strength , he picked up the phone again , and took a deep breath , however , totally unnecesarry .
" Are you sure ? "
" Am I sure ?! I saw him do it . Tried to stop 'im , and would've if not for the frigging chip . Good grief , what the hell do you think ? He staked her , coldly . And I wasn't able to do anything about it . I'm trying to let it go unmentioned , so that he doesnae get back there . He doesnae talk about it , Souly . "
" I'm not sure or if I can help ... Spike . I would let things go their natural course , see what comes of
it . After all , he's been through a lot ."
A growl came over the phone . " It's hell , Angel . It really is . I love him , and hate him . "
" Do you want me to come over ? "
" Nah . I think I'll drop by some time . Sunnyhell is driving me nuts . "