Hiyaaa! I'm back, and once again here is my apology for being a bad person. My other stories aren't exactly finished but meh, this enticed me. Hope you enjoy! I loved writing this while i was away :)
"Abi, I'm…I'm sorry," I told her, almost a whisper, my eyes drooping at her words. I could see I'd hurt her, but I didn't realise how much. Her words stung as they hit me, I'd actually ruined her life. Everything she'd ever wanted, I'd ruined it. Talk about selfish eh Lauren? Well done. The reality of my actions and behaviour months ago finally was sinking in.
"I don't want to hear it," she snapped at me, followed by a glare before pushing past and storming out of the house. I glanced left, braving a look at Jay. His expression was strained; he looked torn between sympathetic and frustrated. He had a right to be. I smiled weakly at him and he shrugged his shoulders in response before heading out after Abi. I sighed deeply and ran my hands through my hair.
"Lauren?" I heard behind me as Dex walked into the kitchen, "Where have Abi and Jay gone? I'm hungry mate,"
"Erm, Abi had to run, she had a meeting with something at college…" I lied, forcing a smile, "something about next year, she apologised."
"And Jay?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, clearly not buying my bullshit.
"Support," I smiled at him, averting his eyes, "Maybe you should go, I should have checked with her before,"
"Hmm, okay cous, see ya around yeah?" Dex nodded towards me and I reciprocated with a forced smile.
"See ya Lauren," I heard Lola shout from the hallway, peeking her head to glimpse at me.
"Bye," I called falsely. I wasn't in the mood to talk to people, yet I was still determined that nobody would see me crumble. All I could think about at the moment is Abi, I'd hurt her so much more than she'd let on and for once, I didn't know how to fix this. I decided after several minutes that the least I could do was try and find Abi, the grovelling and apologising would have to start sometime. I grabbed my keys and headed out the house.
Walking through the market it felt like everyone knew what I'd done, how I'd made Abi feel. I could feel numerous eyes on me, which wasn't unusual in the last couple of months and previously I wouldn't have cared, but the sober me wanted to become invisible. I didn't want all the attention because it was the wrong attention; everyone pitied me or even worse, was disappointed in me. The truth was they probably stared because they were all waiting for me to fail, to fall off the wagon and relapse. Well tough, it wasn't going to happen, especially not after what I'd done to Abi.
"Lo?" I heard a voice from behind me as I walked past the club. I automatically closed my eyes, hoping to god I'd imagined his voice. "Lauren?!" No he was definitely there… I sighed deeply knowing now was not the time I wanted to be dealing with him, now I was vulnerable and quite honestly; I could do with a drink. I felt his presence behind me, like directly behind me now and I realised I couldn't run away from this situation, as much as I'd of liked to.
I hadn't seen him for a few days, the last time being when I decided I didn't need him anymore, when I told him I was done and that I'd recover by myself. Honestly, that relieved me a lot, I felt a great weight lift off my chest as I mentally blocked out Joey Branning, for how long, who knows?
I turned, desperately not wanting to look at him, petrified that as soon as I did I would crumble. Just one glance of his eyes could break me. I did a full sweep of his body involuntarily, my eyes finishing locked with his. His expression was odd, one I had seen a lot recently, a cross between worry and apprehension. It was obvious he was completely unaware of how to react around me since my return and it had honestly pissed me off to begin with. Everyone had acted very differently with me to start with, annoying me until I realised it would take a long time for people to treat me normally again due to the last time most people saw me I was unconscious looking rather yellow. I shuddered at the memory, something that didn't go a miss from Joey.
"Yes?" I replied after a short while, very matter-of-factly.
He looked taken aback by my reply as if he'd expected us to go back to normal, as if what I said the other day in the R&R never happened. Well he was wrong.
"Are you okay?" he stuttered, his stance turning slightly nervous, which actually filled me with a little joy, I'm glad he was the nervous one for once.
"Why?" I retorted shortly. I still felt angry, about the whole Whitney thing, you know the 'my ex fucked my best friend.' That.
"What do you mean?" he asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.
"Why do you even ask that?" I raised my eyebrow, "Conversation starter? Or is the question really, 'Hey Lauren you look upset, have you drank anything yet?' What does it even matter to you?"
"No, I meant 'are you okay?' I'm allowed to care Lauren," he replied almost immediately, his confusion becoming more evident.
"Are you?" I challenged him.
"This conversation is full of many questions Lauren," he stated, removing his eyes from mine and forcing them to the floor.
"I don't have time for this," I waved my hand in front of his face, trying to tell him this conversation was over before I turned round and began to hurry off, Abi still my number one priority, like I promised myself.
"Lauren! Wait yeah?" He called after me, following close behind.
"What Joey? What am I waiting for?" I snapped turning around to face him. "You to trust me again? To start believing in me? No, you and I both know that will take a very long time and that is something I don't have. I'm not waiting for you Joey, if anything it should be the other way around. I meant what I said the other day," I paused waiting to see his reaction. His face dropped, his eyes turning sad telling me I'd got to him. "This. Us. I can't do it anymore. You don't believe I can do this Joey. You think I'm going to crack like everyone else. And you know what hurts the most? My counsellor congratulated me, she actually clapped me Joey because I spat the drink out the other night, she told me that a month ago I wouldn't have been able to do that, hell a week ago I wouldn't and it should be something I and the people that care about me should be really really proud of."
"You spat it out?" he asked me, dismissing everything else I said as if that piece of information I told him the other day had finally hit home. He'd realised what a big thing that was for me.
"Yes. Has that finally sunk in?" I replied sarcastically.
"I'm sorry," he said, almost a whisper.
"I can't do this anymore." I shrugged as my words sunk in for him.
"Lau-"
"Don't yeah? I need to find my sister," I half smiled, chuckling to myself "turns out your life wasn't the only one I fucked up," I dared one last glance of his eyes before turning around and walking away. I sighed deeply when I knew he couldn't see my face or hear me. I didn't even know how I was managing to walk, how my brain was telling my legs to move because all I could see was Joey's face as I left, after telling him I couldn't do it anymore. I was doing everything in my power not to cry, not in front of people, that I still found hard. I reached the back of the community centre and leaned against the wall letting the tears fall freely down my cheeks. Maybe being here wasn't the best? It was the best for me, I needed to be surrounded by familiarity but if it was going to affect Abi like this maybe I should go back to mum? Eurgh. After composing myself, shaking thoughts of Joey from my mind I began searching for my sister. First trying the obvious places; the café, Jay's, Lola's, the Vic… but nothing, I must have left her 15 messages, all begging for her to talk to me. But of course she wasn't going to answer; I was the last person she wanted to see, surely. All I wanted to do was apologise, I hadn't figured out how to solve things yet.
"Abi look, I'm worried now. Where are you? I just want to tell you how sorry I am and let you shout at me all you like, I deserve it." I sighed deeply, "I love you" I whispered down the phone before hanging up, leaving another message. It was about an hour later when I decided to give up and it was clear she wanted nothing to do with me. I slumped down against a wall in the gardens, over-looking the play area and the stupid flower we'd once tied Joey too. I couldn't resist a small smile escaping as I reminisced. A lot of mine and Joey's relationship happened around this part of the square, I glanced over at the bench near the sheds where Joey first told me he loved me, probably my favourite ever memory of us. However it was followed by so many bad as that was the place I'd go and sit when I was down during out first break-up, wanting to be close to him…sad I know.
I sighed again, covering my face with my hands and leaning my elbows on my knees as I brought them up under my chin. In this moment I looked more vulnerable than I had shown since I'd returned but honestly, I didn't care. People would walk past and yeah they'd assume I'd been drinking again, but I didn't care at the moment. For once people can think what they want about me, they can see me crumble and only if they ask will I consider telling them my business; very different from a drunk Lauren.
"Did you find Abi?" God, how did he have this ability to find me all the time? It was like he had a tracker on me. I sighed and removed my hands from my face, still feeling slightly angry from our heated conversation earlier. Did he not get the message? I allowed myself to glance up at him, locking eyes with his. In that moment my body language relaxed and my eyes softened, he two must have noticed as he braved sitting down next to me. I couldn't argue with him now, not anymore, I didn't have the strength. I shook my head in answer to his question and turned away from him, looking forward again. "Do you want to talk about it?"
This question was a tricky one. Joey was always the person I thought I could open up to, until I started bottling everything up again, causing me to drink more and more. I always felt like any little thing I said to Joey could scare him away, something stupid I'd say would make him realise he was mad to even look at me twice. I knew he loved me, but that wasn't enough as far as previous experience showed, he loved me twice before and still tore me to pieces and broke my heart by breaking up with me, how could I believe loving me was everything? But it was different now, I didn't even know if he still loved me and if I was honest with myself, I'd avoided the subject because I was terrified of the answer, either way it could go. We weren't together and so the scaring off theory was abolished, kind of. I still couldn't imagine not having Joey in my life, he'd been there throughout the whole drinking thing and the thought of him not being there now was completely alien.
"Yes and no" I replied after deep thought, being sceptical might get us both some answers.
"Yes and no?" he mirrored, diving deeper.
"I don't want to, but I need to," I answered, still looking directly ahead. We stayed silent again for a few minutes until I turned to look at him. He smiled gently at me and nodded.
"I understand Lo," His reply was simple but the butterflies attacked as he called me what he used to, causing me to gasp slightly and my nerves to poke out a little more. Of course he understood; he knew exactly what I meant.
"Abi failed her exams," I began, sighing and rubbing my forehead as I felt a headache come on.
"Right,"
"And she lied about it," I concluded, breathing deeply. Since I'd been back, I'd forgotten how to talk; especially to Joey and so talking about my problems were ten times harder.
"So you're annoyed with her?" he questioned, not letting me carry on.
I shook my head at his question and continued, "All she's ever wanted was to be a vet, literally for as long as I can remember," I chuckled at the memories, "And I've ruined it,"
"Lo.."
"No Joey, I've ruined it for her." I stated, looking at him again. "She didn't get the grades she needed because I was a mess. She couldn't revise properly because I was drunk all the time, I ruined her notes and now she's heartbroken Joey."
He said nothing but he moved a little closer and placed his hand over mine.
"I can't fix this one," I mumbled, partly to myself.
"She'll forgive you," Joey assured me, squeezing my hand.
"You didn't hear her," I whispered, feeling tears prick in my eyes.
"What did she say?" he asked, moving his hand to my cheeks and wiping away my tears with his thumb.
"She said she was fed up, and this is what happens when there's a drunk in the family," I sighed, moving my hand away from his. "And she's right, I ruined everything for her, she'll never forgive me and I won't forgive myself,"
"Babe…"
"Don't call me that Joey," I whispered, glancing at him sympathetically. "I don't know what to do," By then my tears were free-flowing, Joey reaching up every so often to clear them from my cheeks. My sobs broke out and almost automatically he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him. I didn't even care that this wasn't a good idea, it was what I needed right in this moment, the only place I'd felt safe for a long time.
"You tell her you love her, and you'll do everything you can to help her." I felt him kiss the top of my head as he spoke. The irony in his voice was evident; surely that is what he should of done to me.
"She won't even talk to me," I replied, dismissing the hypocrisy.
"Give her some space, she'll calm down," he whispered close to my ear. I nodded against him and sat up, half smiling at him.
"Sorry," I mumbled, motioning to the dampness on his top.
"I don't care," he shrugged, reaching up and tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I froze as he did it, knowing exactly what it meant. It took him a couple of minutes to figure out what he'd just done and as soon as he did he averted his eyes from mine. "Sorry,"
"It's okay," I mumbled, unable to look at him also.
"Lauren.."
"Mmm?" I mumbled in response.
"I am sorry about Whitney, it was a mistake and it should have been you," he paused, "It should always be you,"
"Don't Joey, don't make this harder than it already is," I sighed.
"It doesn't have it be,"
"Don't you get it Joey? It kills me. Every time I let you back in, something you say or do hurts me," I sighed again, "There are only so many times I can forgive you,"
"Let this be the last," he mumbled.
"It is," I whispered, his head shooting to look at me.
"What?" he asked, his eyes glued on me.
"I do forgive you, don't I fucking always? You know you have some hold over me." I chuckled slightly, seeing him smile as well. "But it doesn't change anything. You, me, it can't happen anymore."
He stayed silent, moving his glance away from me, almost as if he didn't know what else to say.
"I'm…" I began.
"I love you," he blurted out, still not looking at me.
"I know Joe," he reached over and brushed my hand with his, causing me to tingle.
"Feel that? It will never go away Lauren, not for me anyway." He started, "For me, you're it."
"What do you mean?" I asked, not sure what he meant.
"As far as I'm concerned, you're all there is Lauren. I won't go looking for anyone else, it will always be you. You know that don't you?"
I didn't reply for a few moments, unsure of what to say next.
"You don't believe in me Joey," I whispered, breaching the subject that hurt me the most.
"Lauren, I do. God Lauren, you're incredible you know that? The other day, what I said… it came out all wrong. I didn't mean it like that. I do believe in you, more than you'll ever know and I do trust you. I just…worry. I've lost you more times than I'd like to remember, but coming close to actually losing you was different, you have no idea. It broke me, and every day I worry that it could actually come true. There are so many temptations babe, and I know you can overcome them, I've seen you do it every day since you've come back, but it doesn't stop the worry. And when you found out about me and Whit, I panicked-"
"Then why didn't you come after me?" I asked him.
"I tried, Sharon cornered me, I was managing that night, I was stupid not to I know," he informed me. I nodded and tilted my head, still not looking at him, "The old you would of drank, when something like that came out. But I forgot, this isn't the old you, this is the old old you. The girl I fell completely and utterly head over heels in love with and have never stopped to this day. She's had her hiccups but everything she does and even did, made me love and care for her so much more, boosting the worry to maximum." He entwined our fingers. "So you see I do believe in you and I do trust you, it just took me a while to adapt to my beautiful girl happy and healthy again."
"I'm not yours Joey.." I whispered, closing my eyes and fighting back the tears. God I wanted to be, but I couldn't not now.
"You'll always be mine Lo, you know that," he brushed his thumb over mine causing me to look down at our interlocked fingers, nodding gently.
"It isn't this simple Joe,"
"You know Lauren, I'd ask you to marry me tomorrow… if I knew you'd say yes," he shuffled closer, "it's that simple for me. But I understand for you it isn't, and that day will come when I buy you some ridiculously expensive ring that I know you'll moan so much about and I'll get down on one knee and I'll embarrass myself and tell you how much you mean to me, if I can put it into words. And then I'll ask you to be Mrs Branning."
I couldn't even respond, I had no clue what to say. He paused for a few seconds, composing his next words.
"Which brings me to what you said earlier, you shouldn't have to wait for me to trust you or believe in you, because I'm there babe, I'll wait for you. I'll wait and I'll wait and I'll wait. Because yes, you're right, as bloody per… I want you better first, 100% better. And then, I'll come and get my girl back."
I couldn't even comprehend putting two words together, he'd blown me away. In a moment of madness I acted, I moved forward, pulling his hand towards me, bringing him with it and I gently brushed my lips against his, feeling him reciprocate and deepen the kiss momentarily before pulling away, our eyes remained locked.
"Thank you," I whispered, smiling slightly. He smiled back and moved to tuck yet another piece of hair behind my ear, trailing his fingertips down my neck as I leaned into his touch causing me to shiver. I coughed slightly and blushed, "I love you too," I whispered back, looking up at him as he broke out into the most breath-taking smiles.
"I know," he responded.
"Joe… the other day, I.. I didn't mean it," I admitted.
"And this morning?" he asked, raising an eyebrow to which I nodded. He leant down and placed a kiss to my forehead, lingering longer than he should.
"Let me get better first?" I asked him hopefully, searching his eyes for any clues. He nodded and smiled.
"I told you, I'll wait and wait and wait," he replied, kissing my cheek gently after pulling me up to stand. "Now, go and find your sister,"
I nodded and smiled slightly. We both stood still for a moment unsure how to leave it, until I moved into him, wrapping my arms around his back, encouraging him to cage me in his. I snuggled into his chest, feeling the safest I had done in a very long time. His hands rubbed up and down my back, soothing me further and as we pulled away he kissed my head once more.
"Be careful yeah?" he told me rather than asked, me nodding in reply. "Here," he held his hand out passing me something.
"Is this?" I was totally confused.
"Your escape," he shrugged. "Me,"
"Keys to your house?" I repeated.
"Mhm, only for when you need some space, just thought it would work," he smiled raising an eyebrow.
"Thanks Joey," I replied, stroking the key with my index finger. "Bye," I smiled slightly and turned to find my sister, the last half an hour turning into some kind of blur. He'd knocked down my walls and climbed straight on in.