Title: The Jiggy Fallout - 1/3
Author: chinesebakery
Characters: Barney/Robin & the gang
Rating: K+
Spoilers: 3x16
Summary: "Okay, I'm trying not to be offended, but the mad race to the exit really isn't helping." An AU follow-up to "Sandcastles in the Sand".
A/N: Thanks to latante for the beta.
"This is bad."
"Hey!"
"Not that. That was – oh, this is baaad," Barney moans, his eyes wide as they scan the room, trying to locate his boxers.
"I take it we're not having lunch at your mom's on Sunday."
" – so bad."
"Okay, calm down. It doesn't have to be such a big deal," Robin says, her voice calculatingly calm, and starts feeling around on the floor next to her side of the bed.
"Have you seen my – "
"Here," she huffs as her irritation grows. If a pair of boxers straight to the head could kill, he'd be, at the very least, seriously injured. "Is your car about to turn into a pumpkin or something?"
But he's too busy hunting for his clothes in the living room to reply.
Two minutes later, he's standing by the bedroom door in his suit, his shirt not buttoned right and his tie askew. He looks so panicked she almost chuckles. Almost.
"Right. So, I'm gonna, uh – I've gotta go."
"Okay, I'm trying not to be offended, but the mad race to the exit really isn't helping," she shouts in the general direction of the closing front door. Then she buries her head in the pillow to muffle her frustrated groan.
So much for casual, complication-free, awesome sex with the most notorious man-whore she's ever met. So much for her already wounded ego. So much for dependable friendship.
Barney's right. This is bad.
--
"What's that?" Robin asks as she grabs a chair to sit at the head of their usual booth. Marshall looks like his eyes might pop out of his head any minute, he's staring so hard.
"My new iPhone," Ted beams proudly. "Awesome, right? Barney gave it to me."
On the bench next to Ted, Barney only grunts, his eyes suddenly fixed on the jukebox at the other side of the pub.
"Careful," Marshall murmurs as he cautiously lays the phone in Robin's hand as if it were a wounded bird.
"Barney gave you an iPhone?" She pinches the thing between her thumb and index finger and glares at it.
"Yeah, he had an extra one."
"Right," she says between gritted teeth and gestures violently with the phone to Wendy-the-waitress, ignoring Marshall's cupped hands which are following her every movement, ready to rescue the fallen bird from her dangerous hands. Reluctantly, she hands it back to Ted.
She makes it eight whole minutes before her irritation with Barney wins out. She would have held it together a lot longer if not for his furtive glances in her direction, his eyes falling to the table every time they caught hers.
"If you don't stop playing with that thing, it's gonna end up in the pitcher," Robin singsongs.
"Oh, come on, have you seen that touch screen?" Ted insists, oblivious to her degrading temper. "Man, I wish everything came with a touch screen. The TV, the fridge, the – HEY!" he screams as Robin swipes the phone from his hand. "ARE YOU INSANE?"
"Can't say I didn't warn you," she shrugs, and watches the little bubbles escaping from the drowning phone with some satisfaction.
"Don't worry, bro," Barney offers, laying a calming hand on Ted's sleeve. "My buddy Jeff knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows this guy who can get one sent from Malaysia for five bucks plus shipping."
He doesn't look up from his fascinating gin and tonic when Robin grabs her purse and announces she doesn't feel well. But if she'd turned back on her way out, she'd have caught his eyes following her to the door, uneasy and helpless. She misses it entirely, but Lily doesn't.
--
"Okay, what's with the, uh, outfit?" Marshall asks and gestures at her very revealing top. "I thought Simon and the Van of Heartbreak had left town."
"I have a date," she informs him with a slightly forced smile.
"Who with?" Barney inquires, his voice neutral, but the glimmer of annoyance in his eyes makes her happier than it really should.
"This guy from work, Jeremy. We don't work together, so technically, I'm not breaking the Platinum rule," she adds quickly to head Barney off. "He covered for someone today, otherwise we'd have never even met on the job."
"You met him today and you're going on a date with him tonight? Man, that's desperate," Barney shakes his head.
"You know, if I tilt my head to the side just a little, I think I can see your right nipple," Marshall informs her, but his grin fades the instant his eyes connect with Lily's.
"Robin, will you please come to the bathroom with me?" Lily asks and gets up, crossing her arms and tapping her foot expectantly.
"Well, that depends. Will you let me copy your History test if I'm really stealthy?"
"I would, if 'stealthy' really was your strong suit," she says sweetly, giving Robin a long, meaningful look that makes her all but run to the bathroom.
The second the door closes on them, Lily turns her bad cop on and starts pacing around Robin, eyeing her dangerously, which would be a lot more intimidating if she didn't look so tiny and sweet.
"So, you and Barney have been acting weird," she states, watching Robin's face closely.
"If we're gonna hide in the public restrooms to talk about boys, you'll have to at least braid my hair before we leave."
"Did you and Barney get jiggy with it?"
"Uh, what?" Robin gasps and chuckles at the same time, her expression horrified.
"Do the mattress dance? Visit the Netherlands? Rock the casbah? Dance the horizontal mambo? See the full moan? Hide the s– "
"Thanks, Lily, I think I'm picking up what you're laying down."
"Well?" Lily crosses her arm over her chest and stares at her expectantly.
"No," Robin tries, and dissolves into nervous giggles.
"Oh, Robin..."
"It's all right, really. So, it's a little awkward right now, but things are gonna fall back into place. Someday."
"You two need to fix this. Does Ted know? Of course he doesn't. Oh, this is baaad."
"Look, it's already fixed. We're just never mentioning it ever, ever, ever again. There. Done and done."
Lily shakes her head and bites her lip, but can't keep her face from brightening as she asks, "So, how was it?"
--
"She showed you the video? The video?"
"Yup," Barney nods and downs his drink, his eyes locked on the bathroom door.
"Of her own free will?" Marshall asks doubtfully. "Was she drunk? Unconscious? You didn't blackmail her, did you?"
"No!" Barney groans, outraged. "She wanted me to see it!"
Marshall glares at him for a moment, pondering, but his curiosity wins him over and the next moment, he's leaning over the table, grinning widely.
"So, how was it?"
"Oh, man, it was awesome. Possibly the most glorious, depraved, expertly filmed video I've ever seen. Just thinking about it now is getting me a little worked up," he admits, and clears his throat.
"Was she wearing that weird hat again?" Marshall giggles, his eyes sparkling.
"No. But last night, I dreamed she did," he whispers in confidence.
Marshall is beyond excited – he's literally bouncing in his seat with glee.
"What about Simon? I'll bet he wore ridiculously tight pants. Oh, did he have a mullet? Please, tell me he had a mullet."
"I, uh, didn't pay much attention to him," Barney says, wrinkling his nose, much to Marshall's disappointment.
"I wish she'd show it to me," he sighs dreamily.
"I think I want to watch the video again. In fact, I'd watch it over and over. Man, I really, really want to watch it again," Barney's voice trails off.
"Why don't you ask her? She showed it to you once."
Barney considers that for a minute before asking abruptly, "Do you think Ted would like a plasma TV? A MacBook Air? A boat?"
"What are you two talking about?" Lily inquires as she suddenly appears behind Marshall.
"Barney wants to watch Robin's secret video again and buy new things for Ted," Marshall supplies diligently. Robin winces as she sits down, keeping her body as far away from Barney's as the booth will allow.
Then everything gets speeded up. Lily and Marshall engage in one of their frantic silent conversations, raising eyebrows, rolling eyes, pursing their mouths until finally, Marshall gasps with shock.
The next moment, his gigantic hand collides with Barney's cheek, harder than it ever has before. "That's four," he growls.
"My date's here," Robin announces weakly, her eyes jumping from Barney's horror-struck face to the man standing by the door.
"I think – no, you definitely broke my jaw," Barney moans before fishing an ice cube out of his gin and tonic and holding it against the side of his face.
"How could you let him watch your secret video?" Marshall half demands, half whines.
"Wait, did you say he wanted to watch it again?" Lily says excitedly. "But she said – you want to have sex with her! Again! And you," she points an accusing finger at Robin, "you wanna make whoopee with him too!"
"Eww!" says Marshall.
"I've got to go," Robin and Barney exclaim at exactly the same time, and practically fall over each other as they try to extract themselves from the booth simultaneously, intent on getting as far away from the other as they possibly can.