CAFETERIA SLOP IS A GREAT DISTRACTION
written by A. E. Stover
this version is not edited

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What a great first step out of a long hiatus.

—Not.

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"You lying sack of shit."

Eren ignored the violent hiss coming from across the cafeteria table. He knew from experience Jean overplayed whatever life gave birth to on a daily basis; the immature fist-pounding that rattled the table was a sure indication that what happened probably had an easy fix. Instead of rising to the bait, Eren stirred the red sauce in the plastic tray and fished for some leftover bits of overcooked pasta. "Hi to you, too, asswipe."

"You're the asswipe. You told Mikasa I was the one who ran over her cat. You know it wasn't me!" Jean groaned and ducked his head into his hands, fingers tangling in the short mess he called 'hair.' "She wouldn't even look at me this morning!"

Eren's mindless stirring had produced a fine specimen for observational study — the pointed end of a rigatoni. Eren speared the pitiful piece with his plastic spork, thought seriously for a moment, and changed the angle of his spork to let cold tomato sauce pool into the curve. Then he lifted it up and, carefully, bent back his spork with his thumb.

"You fling that at me and I'll end you."

Eren rolled his eyes at his best friend of ten years. "It's not at you, but it's not my fault your long-ass horseface is in my way." That was enough to clear some of the misery on Jean's face. Curiosity began to gleam in place of the dark morning gloom, and Jean turned to see who was behind them.

In that moment, Eren launched the cold pasta sauce (and rigatoni end) from his flimsy spork. The food landed wetly on the flawless skin of Mikasa Ackerman's nose.

Acting quickly, Eren shoved his tray across the table and threw his spork at Jean. He watched the idiot's reflexes kick in to catch it just as Mikasa finished calculating the trajectory of the food that was still on her face. He watched the two lock eyes.

Jean actually paled. Then he turned red and whirled around. "Eren, you bastard piece of motherfucking shit—!"

That was all Eren heard, because he was out of the cafeteria and out of harm's way.

There was no way Mikasa could guess Eren had run over her cat now.

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