You! Off my planet!

"small brown taco dogs eat rabid weasels" (me and my creepy friend Alyssa don't ask.)

"there are no dead centipedes on the moon!" (spoken in british accent and also me and my creepy friend Alyssa)

anything involving the words goat and slinky in the same sentence. thats always fun!

"I reject your reality, and substitute my own!" myth busters (i love that show! yeay explosions!)

Hughes:Hey, I've got a message from Roy
Ed:You mean the Colonel?
Hughes:He said "Don't die under my command, your enough of a pain without the paper work" that was it.
Ed:Tell him fine, there's no way I'm dying before you do, you morally bankrupt Colonel with a God complex

"Al's busy with his little hand-picked group of alchemist draftees, trying to give them a crash course in what to do when the world is blowing up around you.—Full Circle, by Nike Femme

So the afterlife smelled like frying bacon and eggs, the blonde man thought. Interesting.—Full Circle, by Nike Femme

faster than a rabid squirrel on coffee

Beer commercials usually have big men, manly men doing manly things: 'You just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer.' Why not a realistic beer commercial like, 'It's five o'clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.'--Robin Williams, Comedian and Actor

I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

"I SWEAR IRONY IS ONE OF THE HOMUNCULI AND HE'S FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE!" Ed exploded.

We are both marked by our dark pasts, and though we try our best to change it, there is precious little we can do. We are slaves to fate

Cheers to Ed, the Master of Midgets

You think you can mess with me? Think again you canine fiend! I, EDWARD ELRIC WILL FIGHT YOU WITH MY ENTIRE BODY AND SOUL!" Ed yelled as he chased the dog around the library.

"I TOLD YOU CANINE FIEND THAT I, EDWARD ELRIC THE STATE ALCHEMIST WILL FIGHT YOU AND WIN!" He then started chasing the dog around the library. Everyone laughed at Ed who was chasing the dog around the room hysterically.

He turned the knob and went in slowly then from above something fell on him, something that was crispy and good and smelled like…. popcorn shrimp? "MY BRETHREN!" Full metal fell to his knees sobbing.

Be patient my little muffins

"Yes, sir. Colonel Bastard, sir!"

Fate is – we can but change how we deal with it.—Full Circle, by Nike Femme

ATTACK THE LIGHT SIDE! THEY HAVE MILK! COME MY MINIONS, ATTACK! ATTACK!"

I'm Envy. Bring on the ninnies!

"Peter: "Brian, there's a message in my alphabet, and it says o-o-o..."
Brian: "Peter, those are cheerios."

"No sir really, I gave my homework to the pink monkey on the golf course. he said he was the new football coach...snores"

"Run and hide, InuYasha, for your stupidity knows no bounds."-- Sesshoumaru, InuYasha

"Where were you when they handed out the brains!"

"Shippo your village called, they want their idiot back."-- InuYasha, InuYasha

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

-If love isn't a game, then how come there are so many players?

-Life isn't like a Burger King, you can't always have it your way.

-When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head.

-Few women admit their age, few men act theirs.

-I'm a nobody. Nobody's perfect. Therefore, that makes me perfect.

-I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

-Family is like fudge: mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Bob: But mom! All my friends are doing it!
Bob's Mom: If you friends jumped off of a building, would you?
Bob: Yes, because then there would be padding for when I landed!

-Save a tree, eat a beaver.

-Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.

-How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

-people will believe anything if you whisper it.

-A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work,

-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

-Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

-If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him "GOD is crying." And when he asks why god is crying, I tell him, "probably because of something you did."

-Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

-"Everything has a purpose" he said for no reason at all.

-I'm not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.

-Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied history are doomed to know its repeating.

-Despite the rising costs of living, it remains a popular activity.

-like Daddy always said: If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense.

-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If the #2 pencil is most popular, why is it still #2?

-If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

-I don't suffer from insanity…I enjoy every minute of it.

-Reason to smile: every seven minutes of every day, someone in aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

-P.E.T.A: people eating tasty animals.

-Why is abbreviation such a long word?

-Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.

-There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

-Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and have their shoes!

-Don't drink and drive… you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

-Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

Happiness is like peeing your pants... every one can see it, but only you can feel the warmth!

-When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

-Why is it when we laugh in school, teachers ask us if we find something funny, when obviously we do?

-Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?

-Why is it that when something says "Do not eat" on the package, it makes it extra tempting to eat?

-If you were under house arrest, and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you be able to go any where you want?

-Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?

-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

-Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say "See that chicken over there... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt?

-Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', it comes out to be 'Woman hitler'?

"Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss."—Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy

-"Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run - He hates that."

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."

-"It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty... drink it and get on with your life."

-"Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!"

-What does the k in K-mart actually stand for?

-How did the headless horseman know where he was going?

-if you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

-Its all fun and games till someone loses an eye...Then its even funnier!

Where in the nursery rhymes does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

-How can there be self help groups?

-Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an 's' in it?

-What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

-why do they have handicapped parking spaces in front of a skating ring?

-If quizzez are quizzical, then what are tests? (wow… that one's really quite dirty…)

-I love to give home-made gifts: So, which of the children do you want?

-Dont look at me in that tone of voice!

-Therapy is expensive, but bubblewrap is cheap!

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - - Henny Youngman

The first thing we do, let's kill all lawyers. - - William Shakespeare

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. – - Charlotte Whitton

Thank God I'm an atheist.- - Luis Bunuel

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. - - Spike Milligan

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - - Mark Russell