Tobias's last fall
CHRISTINA
He stands at the entrance to the fear landscape room, a needle in hand, injecting the orange liquid into Zeke's neck. I see him through the door a tall muscular figure with broad shoulders. The last time I saw Tobias standing there was during the final stage of initiation, he was in that exact spot, injecting a needle into someone's neck – but this time was different. Different neck, different atmosphere, different Tobias. Back then he was just the scary instructor, capable of shooting a moving target with his left hand and his eyes closed – a machine built for dauntless training and a dauntless way of life. I didn't think he could be a calm, gentle person with feelings; I didn't stop to notice that he and Tris were secretly dating through initiation. I wasn't observant enough to realise he wasn't dauntless at all. He was abnegation, and he always would be. Underneath the lies and the tattoos he was still – is still – that little boy scared of Marcus, crying himself to sleep each night. But time changes all of us. As does love and war, and death.
I walk through the door and Shauna greets me, "Hi Christina, Zeke's about to go in, wanna watch?" she asks pointing towards the headsets.
"No, I'm fine thanks." I say quickly going towards the seats as she wheels herself over to the desks, next to Cara, Caleb and Mathew. They all plug into the headsets and I sit in the corner, where I sat the day of my final test. Will sat next to me, holding my hand as the seats slowly emptied, his eyes flicking to the clock every two seconds. Next to him sat Tris, staring straight ahead, refusing to look at the screen, just staring at the back of Tobias's (or Four as he was to me back then) head. Then there was Lynn, Marlene and Uriah. Uriah. I can't even think about him or Will – or Tris. Even when will was alive she was the most important person in my life. I worried so much when she ran off to erudite headquarters I couldn't sleep; I will never understand why she did it, although I feel like I always have.
Tobias comes and sits next to me, "Hi," he begins, "So, are you going to go through your fear landscape today?" his voice sounds gentle and reassuring, but his eyes are trained on the floor – as are mine.
"No, I wasn't going to. I don't feel like it means anything to me anymore – all of it, the factions seem like a different world after the Bureau; once you've seen that there is so much more to life that you ever thought there was, it all seems pointless. The fear landscapes never really meant anything to me anyway after that first time, I think you are a bit of dauntless phenomenon Four, you know, the number of fears, transferred from abnegation, first in your initiation class, and going through your fear landscape in your free time." I give him a pointed look and he just mutters, "Four is a dauntless phenomenon." We look up at the screen to see Zeke, jumping up and down, thrashing at some invisible creature, his eyes wide. Then he stops in his tracks breathing easily, at that moment he looks so much like Uriah I want to cry out. But I just grip the edge of the seat I am on, willing the picture of Uriah, in hospital, from my mind.
"Will you do something for me?" Tobias asks, looking me in the eyes for the first time since I pulled the memory serum from his hand and told him Tris wouldn't want him to lose their memories they shared together.
"Depends what it is," I reply, "I can't really be bothered to run to the other side of the city with you so you can – I don't know – demolish your abnegation house or something."
"No. I was just wondering – Tris went through my fear landscape with me. It made it less painful; I got my record time, I just… would you go through my fear landscape with me?"
I look up at him – shocked. This is Tobias, Four. Four fears, how can I go through his fear landscape? – But maybe he wanted me to so I could help him. I have to help him he was Tris' boyfriend for god's sake; I owe her at least that. "Yeah" I say quietly, then louder this time, "Sure Tobias, I would love to go through you fear landscape. But are you sure that-"
"Yes I'm sure Christina. I've thought about this for a long time and I really want you to – need you to – help me. Please." His eyes meet mine and I see in them something I have never seen him hold before: fear.
Zeke comes running out of the fear landscape room, a mischievous expression on his face, "I only had seven fears this time! Looks like that one about the geese has been conquered, Four your go." Tobias opens the needle box, takes one needle and hands it to me, "You know where to aim for right?" he asks. I nod, hitting the blue vein in his neck and pushing the plunger down. The orange liquid slid out of the vile and Tobias winces and then gets the other needle. "Ready?" I nod. I barely feel the needle as it goes into my body. Then the world around me shifts and then we are in the city – as it used to be – and we are on the roof of the pier. The wind is blowing; Tobias grabs my hand to steady himself and then says, "You know what we have to do right." I look up at him. "On three" I say, "One, two, three."
We leap into thin air the force of gravity dragging us downwards further and further towards the ground. In my head I hear screaming, lots of screaming, louder and louder until I realise it's her. Tris.