Disclaimer: I don't own anything regarding House, md the tv show... it only belongs to the brilliant talented people who created it, whom I thank for that!

NOW ABOUT THE STORY:

this fic focuses on House in Mayfield. AND ONLY THERE... However, TRUE TO HOUSE'S DEEPEST WISHES (revealed by his delusion at the end of season 5), this fic IS a "Huddy" fic... showing how being in Mayfield helps him realize what Cuddy means to him... and Cuddy, though not in Mayfield, will still be a character and she will appear during the storyline... and at some point in the story, the fic will become M-rated... maybe even sooner than you think... :-)

it will also introduce a new character, a psychiatrist, who will have "shrink sessions" with House, helping him deal with his issues. so this will be about WHAT HOUSE THINKS. how he adjusts to his "new life", how he copes with the loonies, the contrainst, the rules. what he feels about detox. What he hopes for, what he fears...

except for the prolog (and one or two chapters) this will be written from House's point of view.

just one more thing! there's something I want to share with you while you read this. because House, in my opinion, is strongly connected to music. so I want to link every chapter with a song. I think music is a gold mine when it comes to express feelings. so the song will give you the atmosphere of the moment, conveyed by the music itself as much as by the lyrics. (you can listen to it, before, during or after having read the chapter. or you can choose to not listen to it! just know that it's there. accessible with a link that I will put at the end of each chapter...)

Enough said now! time to let you read now!! I hope you'll enjoy it...

THE MAYFIELD HEALING PROCESS

PROLOG - Saturday, May 16th - The Breaking Point - ["I should never have left him alone"]

Cameron and Chase's wedding party must be in full swing right now, she thinks. But she isn't there. She left. She had to. The atmosphere was becoming too heavy and she was tired. Tired of pretending, tired of smiling those fake smiles to people she didn't even know. People she didn't even care for. The wedding was beautiful though. The sun was shining. The bride was glowing in her white dress. Displaying the perfect image of happiness. Living for real the exact dream she would never have for herself…

And now, she's home. Alone and weary. She has put Rachel to bed and she's waiting. Wilson said he would call her, so she's sitting on her couch and she's waiting, drinking some wine. Once in a while, she rubs her face with the back of her hand to wipe away a tear. Tears flow freely. She doesn't even try to hold them back. They've been flowing since the moment she has left him with Wilson. A silent exchange of glances, nods and he had understood everything. She was so relieved to have him in that very moment, to help her get through this. At first, she wanted to deal with that herself. She wanted to be the one who would have taken care of him. But there were reasons why she couldn't. Reasons she would painfully learn later. Because, as much as she wanted to be there for him, it was not the right thing to do. Not now. Anyone but her. For his sake. The most important thing anyway was for him to go there. Take care of himself. Heal. Get better. Deal with those issues he had. With people. With emotions. With her…

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Are you ok? She had asked him, and the first time it was a genuine concern of course, but almost tainted with reproach. All those games he played with her were getting old and she was sick of being his favorite target, every time he was confronted with an emotion he was incapable or refused to deal with.

He wanted to make her angry and he had. She was angry. But no, the truth was she was hurt. How could he have done that? Shout about an intimate moment they had shared such a long time ago. Why now? That had made no sense. Somehow she had always protected him, defended him, put herself at risk for him because she believed that, despite his bad demeanor and his provoking attitude, he would always RESPECT her. But that? No. That was beyond everything. It was as if he had thrown a memory they had been almost tenderly keeping just for themselves into a trashcan. As if he had spit in her face.

You're fired. What other choice did she have? She had NO OTHER choice. But it had felt like a sharp knife piercing through her heart just saying those words. She had run into her office to hide her tears, hide her confusion. And while she was twiddling jacks trying to calm down, it had gone away. The feeling of anger. She was there, sitting, and she had been left with only a huge feeling of sadness, almost despair. Of course she could never fire him. She needed him. In her hospital. In her life. That was where he belonged. And yet, what cost would she have to pay for that?

He didn't care. He knew her weakness too well when it came time to dealing with him, and being able to "deliver" her threats. That's why when he had shown up in her office, just right after her, she was sure he had come here to play with her. Mock her. Because he knew she would never mean what she had said for real. Yes, maybe he looked a little ill at ease, that was the least he could do! But in the end, he was just here to claim his victory, wasn't he? And she was expecting it. She was ready for anything. Anything mean. The spitefulness, the escalation, that's all she was focusing on, waiting for the cruel game to begin. A cruel game he had dragged her into and forced her to play against him.

We, not only, don't have a personal relationship, but we never could. Did she really believe in those words she had snapped at him with scorn? Her chin was raised high and her look full of contempt when she had said that. Her voice had not choked. Yes, she had managed to say that and perfectly hide her shudder. But that was just a lie. She had only said that because she wanted him to feel hurt just like she did. She wanted to get even. But she never could tell why. Why they were playing that game. Why they were so forcefully drawn into that sickening spiral. When everything would have been so much simpler just saying it… I want you… I need you… Stay with me… so much simpler… just saying it…

And suddenly, they had locked eyes. His gaze at that very moment. So intense! Panicked and lost. That's when she had known something was wrong. Immediately she had felt the urge to soften, show him she was not serious. Nothing that I haven't done a hundred times before. Just show him. No, she was not mad at him. She just couldn't feel anger or resentment towards him. But he was elsewhere. His thoughts were turned inwards and his mind focused on some things that seemed to disturb him. He had stumbled and it was like he was not there anymore. His eyes were dull, and he looked awestruck. An irrational and violent fear had then almost instantly pervaded her. Please, make that look cease. Please… And she had run to him. Because eventually that's what it would always be like… and it was useless to hope for it to be different. Some things just never change…

Are you ok? This time, there was not the slightest remaining trace of anger in her question. Only care. Genuine profound care. God, those eyes! How lost they were. What was passing through those eyes? She had cradled his jaw in the palm of her hand and he had gripped her shoulder, digging his knuckles into her flesh. The more she was searching in his eyes, trying to decipher what was going on, the more she had felt ill at ease, and frightened. Something was happening and it seemed to be rooted in some deep and dark places of his mind. But yet, she was almost sure this was something that had not just appeared on that day. She could have sworn it had been already slowly growing for quite a while… Maybe she didn't really know what it was but she had sensed it before, when he had come to see her in her office to ask her for sleeping pills.

House talk to me, please. But he was locked-in. Silent and stubborn just as always. He had merely confessed that he couldn't sleep through the nights since Kutner's death. But despite her knowing there was something else, she had no energy anymore for that. She wouldn't drag the words out of him. That was too distasteful. She wouldn't make any more excuses for always being the one who cared. She cared for him. Couldn't he SEE that she cared? No. To hell with those insuperable walls he had built to keep everyone away from him! She wouldn't be the one begging this time. She had a daughter to take care of. She had responsibilities to face. She had a life. And there was no place left for that crap anymore…

No. I'm not ok. His voice was wobbling. His gaze was lost in the void of confusion. He was facing her but it felt as if he was seeing through her. What was wrong? She knew it was serious. She knew it was something bad. And every second spent searching the answers inside his lost gaze had felt like an eternity to her. He was standing in front of her, here and absent at the same time, and she had started to feel a weight oppressing her chest.

House? What's wrong? Talk to me… But he was mute, flabbergasted, his hand clutching her arm, holding on to her as if she was the only safety chain that could still keep him attached to the real world. And tears… tears in his eyes when finally, he had met her gaze and stared at her, questioning her, begging for forgiveness, asking for a rational explanation, praying to understand…

Take me away from here. Take me to Wilson… Drug abuse? Sleep deprivation? Guilt? Alcohol? Anxiety…? A combination of all that? Oh God! Could it be possible that it was… hallucinations? Was that what it was all about? She had asked him, but he wouldn't tell at first. He only kept staring at her, so intensely that it almost made her feel uncomfortable.

If you want me to help you, you have to tell me what it is… Hallucinations. Yes, that's what it was. At least, that's what he had told her it was. He had said they had started not long after Kutner's death and as she had guessed, because of all the repressed anxiety, depriving him from his sleep, his rational mind had suffered a neurological crisis, causing his brain to almost make a silent seizure. Another wall built up to isolate him away from the world of the living. And now his hallucinations were his companions for the day: Amber mostly, and Kutner popping up in his mind, spreading their haunting thoughts in his brain, sucking his sanity out of him, making him lose the sense of reality… the sense of reality… She wanted to comfort him but quite oddly, something in him seemed to urge him to be far away from her. And he was not asking, he was demanding her to take him away, so that was what she had done: she had taken him out of her office and brought him to Wilson.

Wilson. Efficient, devoted, discreet, wonderful as always. Did House really realize what an amazing friend he had in him? They had locked the door of his office and tried to deal with this. Find solutions. House was the one wanting to be committed. She, she had tried first to talk him into accepting a better compromise. To try to go into a rather "normal" rehab facility first, but he had kept refusing. There were not many options left, he had said. He knew perfectly what he could and couldn't allow himself to do. He knew himself too well. He knew how unscrupulous he could be when the time would come to cheat about using drugs. But this time he had no choice. That's what he stubbornly kept on repeating, avoiding her gaze. No, this time was not about keeping up a good front in front of Tritter and just pretend to detox. The issues at stake were too big. It concerned him as a man. As a doctor. Him in every single breath that he took… and the heavy looks he and Wilson were exchanging during all that conversation had just added to her utter bafflement.

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She holds on to her glass of wine tightly. Her vision is misty because of the tears that flow from her eyes and roll on her cheeks, and the salt leaves a stingy sensation on her skin and she feels angry, cursing herself for not being able to stop crying. She closes her eyes and she breathes deeply. In. And out. Slowly, until she calms down, a little. But it's only temporary and she knows it. It will come back, as soon as she will lower her guard, it will come overwhelming her again. The guilt, the fear, the sadness… She feels so awful. Will she ever be able to get rid of that feeling? It's her fault. That's what she keeps saying to herself. She thinks she should have known. Because she already had sensed there was something wrong so she keeps persuading herself that she should have known. And when she thinks back about it she can't help but think that there were clues to it. It doesn't help her at all to feel better. Actually it only makes her feel worse. Knowing that she was not here when he needed her. Knowing that she had left, turned her back on him and walked away.

And now he's on his way there. It feels like she's somehow losing him a little while he is being driven there. At least that's how she feels… When was the last time she saw him? She can't remember. Three days ago? Two days ago? She didn't even print one last image of him in her mind, she forgot, she didn't know, she didn't think she had to. She was sure she would see him again… Because, she wanted to do it herself. Drive him there. She really did. Even if it had to be today, the day of the wedding. The truth was, she couldn't care less about Allison and Robert's wedding. Of course, she was happy for them, sincerely happy. But they just weren't her priority. He was. So she had strongly decided that she would be the one to go. Until Wilson had come see her…

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You can't go there, Cuddy. I will. She had laughed. Yes, that was really a hell of a devoted friendship! But no, thank you Wilson, not this time. She wouldn't yield. She wanted to take care of that herself and she would. Period. Why wouldn't she anyway? Yes, why? Tell me Wilson. And then by the look on his face she had almost instantly known she wouldn't like the answer.

Because, Lisa… It was not just hallucinations. It was… it was… . And then Wilson had told her the crushing truth. Oh God! It had rendered her speechless, with a lump tightening her throat, leaving her almost unable to breathe, pangs of emotions hitting her painfully each time another question would come rushing in her mind… urging her to complete the puzzle. So… his incomprehensible little act on the hospital's balcony… that was…? Him, wanting so fiercely to make her angry… that was?... Him, asking her to… move in… that was?...

No. She couldn't believe it. Her brain had refused to process it. That was too much to bear. Too much to acknowledge as a fact. Too much. House… Why? Why didn't you tell me that? Why haven't you come to me, before? Before everything? Before all that crap? Before you were so closed up and afraid to express your feelings? Before you turned me into someone no better than yourself, forcing me to push you away, and pretend not to care, fake indifference. Why?

And the tears had started to flow. Unstoppable tears that had choked her whole body with violent shudders while she was desperately holding onto Wilson to keep her on her feet, to prevent her from falling, and breaking into small pieces. What a waste! What a cruel irony!

"This is my fault! I should have known. I should have…"

"No, Lisa. This is not your fault. You've done nothing wrong. It's House… it's… his way of dealing with… things… but you have nothing to blame yourself for…"

Wilson was gently cradling her, trying to soothe her but it was useless. She was already feeling the void, already feeling the 'lack' of him. And in that moment, as Wilson was trying to bring her comfort, she had only wished for one thing: to be in his arms instead of Wilson's and forget about that awful nightmare, to be able to go back in time…

"I should never have left him alone." She had said between her sobs.

Somehow, she was talking to herself more than to anyone else. Referring to moments that could have been any unspecific moments, talking about a time that, of course, was the night when he had insulted her, but also about any other missed occasions they hadn't been able to seize…

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Her phone rings and she jumps at the sound of it. She was asleep, exhaustion having finally taken her away from her angst and bringing her into the safe and soothing arms of Morpheus. And the screeching sound of the phone brings her back to reality. She picks it up, still feeling a little dizzy because of both the wine she drank and her interrupted sleep. It's Wilson. There's an awful silence at first and then she hears him take a deep breath.

"That's it. He's there." He says.

And she knows there is NOTHING either one of them can add to that just yet.

"Thank you." She sighs, even if she knows it won't release her from the weight of all the confused feelings she's trying to repress, as another stream of tears start to roll down her cheeks "Goodbye Wilson."

"Goodbye Cuddy."

A/N

we will enter in MAYFIELD in the next chapter and then from that moment on, House will be the one speaking... SO? do you want more...?

PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW TO LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!...

the song for this chapter is "DESTINY" by ZERO7 - you can view it on youtube site using this code adress: .com/watch?v=INn1C6ImJKg ... OR you can type the name of the song in the search section of you tube

have a nice day ~ maya