A/n: Psych doesn't belong to me. This is crack and definitely not my best, but I felt that I needed to write something not Glee related.
Delicious Lesbian Relations
It was supposed to be a simple operation involving zombie make-up, zombie sounds, and a hoe, but it seemed that since he had created Psych crime got in the way of his free time.
This time it was a kidnapping. A girl by the name of Barley Gingersnap ("Ginger Harris, Shawn. How did you even get Barley?") was taken in the middle of the night in the same forest that Shawn had planned to pull his prank on Gus. In fact, the police were trying to cite his zombie gear as evidence.
Shawn was quick to tell them that that belonged to him and that the girl wasn't kidnapped. She ran away to go have delicious secret lesbian relations with her girlfriend. Hopefully she was a blonde or a redhead with double- ("Be quiet, Shawn.")
Lassie glared at him as he left the forest with his zombie gear (and so did Gus, but that would eventually go away), and Juliet shook her head. Oh, Jules. When would she learn that Shawn was always right?
Certainly not this time, anyway. The girl was found in a cabin some miles away with a headache and lots of needles. Still not sure what the hell that was about, but after some questioning, Shawn found out that she did have a secret girlfriend. Apparently she was afraid to tell her father who wanted her to marry some guy named Bob ("Kevin Carson, Shawn.") who had lots of money.
Gus laughed in the face of Shawn's failure to correctly deduce, but Shawn told Gus that he was right about the girl not being kidnapped and that she just wanted to get away from her father so she could stay with her poor, hot girlfriend and live happily lesbian after.
Gus accused Shawn of being obsessed with lesbians, and Shawn balked at the fact that Gus wasn't.
They went to the girl's house with Shawn's zombie gear in hand to talk to her father. His name was Chocolate Gingersnaps ("That doesn't sound anything like it, Shawn. His name is Elliot Harris."), and he seemed like an awful human being who didn't like lesbians.
They didn't talk to him for very long because Shawn thought he was boring, and he didn't appreciate Shawn's appreciation for zombie paraphernalia. Gus called him an idiot.
They did talk to a delicious barista at someplace called Gargantuan Gorillas ("No. I am not going to stoop to your level."), that Ginger apparently frequented, and Shawn immediately pegged her as the girlfriend. Why? Because she was a redhead.
The next day saw Shawn with the police because Ginger had gone missing again. This time, Shawn was sure that she was actually kidnapped, possibly by Bob ("No.").
Unfortunately, this was proven half wrong when the girl was found with the delicious barista. Delicious had a knife in her hand and she was crying profusely, so something was definitely wrong. As she was led out of the apartment by Lassie and McNabb, she looked at Shawn and whispered one word: Bob.
("Shawn, she didn't whisper Bob. She whispered 'Kevin.'"
"Which means the same thing-"
"No, it doesn't, Shawn, because his name isn't Bob. It's Kevin. Kevin Carson."
"Like Carson Daly? Dude, the New Year is in two days. Can you believe…Buddy, where are you going?")
When Shawn and Gus found Bob, he was planning for a black and white themed wedding.
Shawn declared that he was a convoluted madman because Gingersnaps didn't want to and wouldn't marry her kidnapper. It was all very dramatic in context, but the way this story is being told just makes it sound silly.
He pulled out a gun, like always, and Shawn just scoffed. Gus was already out of the room before the guy started telling his really creepy speech about how much he loved her, etc. etc. Lassie arrived and shot him in the arm before he could get to the part about the needles. Shawn still didn't know what the hell that was about.
Delicious was let out of prison immediately, and she introduced herself to Ginger's father. He was a complete asshole to her, but he was a complete asshole to everyone who wasn't his daughter. He didn't really care that she was a delicious lesbian. He just didn't like that his daughter was dating. Good thing he doesn't know about the hot, gay, lesbian sex going on between those two ("How would you even know that, Shawn? In fact, how did you even know she was a lesbian when all of this started?").
He has his ways.
And by that he means that he was a good friend of Delicious, and she talked about Ginger almost constantly during their zombie appreciation sessions. Sometimes, she would even talk about Bob and his creeper ways. Shawn had had his eye on Bob for the longest time. He just regretted that he kidnapped Ginger in the middle of his zombie prank on Gus.
But Shawn still doesn't know what the hell those needles were for.