When Bella and Jane compete in a contest for the chance to be Edward's bride, all hell breaks lose in this OOC entry for the Trust In Advertising crackfic contest.

*~*~*~*

"What's this about, Edward?" Jane snarled, standing with her hands on her hips in front of his desk.

Bella perched on the edge of the chair, nervously twisting her hands in her lap. She was baffled as to why Edward would call a meeting with the three of them at four o'clock on a Friday afternoon. He'd even sent everyone in the office home, claiming it was a reward for their hard work. Everyone except for Bella. At first she'd worried that Edward was going to fire her, but why would Jane be here if that were true? Instead she tried to calm her nerves and looked expectantly at her boss's unreadable face.

Edward leaned back in his chair, his feet propped up on his desk.

"Jane, Bella, I have an announcement to make." He shifted so that he was sitting up, leaning slightly forward toward the both of them. He cleared his throat before he continued. "I realized that I have feelings for the both of you."

"What?" Jane spat. She whirled on Bella, her rage like pointy spikes in her eyes. "I knew it, you sneaky, lying tramp! If you think you can sink your homely claws into my boyfriend, you've got another thing coming!"

Bella sat stunned, her mouth hanging open, more shocked at Edward's pronouncement than at Jane's outburst. Edward has feelings for me? She blinked back tears. After more than ten years of secretly loving him, hearing those words sent a wave of happiness through her.

Edward continued, a smile growing on his face. "Because I'm having trouble deciding between the two of you, I decided to devise a test. You both will need to compete in the Win Edward Games. Winner takes all."

"Huh?" Bella asked, shocked again by the words coming from Edward's mouth. She pinched her arm to see if she was dreaming, since this whole situation seemed impossible. Ow. Nope, I'm awake.

"I beg your pardon? You're holding a contest to see who will be your girlfriend?"

Jane didn't say a word, sizing up Bella and glaring at Edward.

He nodded. "Three rounds, one winner. Each round has escalating levels of prizes."

"What do you mean?" Jane asked, the wheels spinning in her head. While Bella was bigger than she was, she was a scrapper and had longer nails. If they had to do hand to hand combat, she could probably take Bella if she aimed for the eyes and the tits.

"The first round is tonight, and the prize is a kiss from me. The second is tomorrow evening, and the winner gets an evening in my bed. The last will be Sunday, and this…" he paused, pulling open his top desk drawer.

Bella sucked in a breath when she saw the sparking diamond band in his palm.

"This is an engagement ring and it's the prize for the finale."

"Yes," Jane hissed as she pumped her fist in the air. "Bring it on. You're so mine, Masen."

Did I hit my head or has everyone gone crazy? Bella gaped at him. Her heart fluttered in her chest. The prospect of marrying Edward made her want to shriek in joy. At the same time it saddened her. She had to win a contest before he would pick her as his wife?

"You're dead, twat face," Jane smirked. "I'm kicking your ass in the dirt."

Bella squinted at her, shock turning into fury and righteous justice. A part of her wanted to refuse to participate based on principle, but Jane pushed her over the edge. She exploded like an erupting volcano and she truly contemplated hurting the woman standing beside her. Maybe I can finally get back at this cruel Lilliputian bitch for all the hell she's put me through.

"Keep talking, Jane and eventually you may say something intelligent." Bella said as she balled her fists at her sides. She desperately wanted to punched this blonde midget in her surgically enhanced nose.

"Fuck you!" Jane shrieked.

"Go eat a dick," Bella mumbled under her breath, her eyes narrowed to thin slits.

Jane heard her and threw her head back in laughter. "Oh, I will, and it will be Edward's dick when I win this contest. And you know what the first order of business will be when I'm Mrs. Edward Masen? Firing your fat ass."

"I'm not fat, you hateful troll!" Bella yelled as she shot up from her chair. "At least I can eat a meal without vomiting it up. When was the last time you actually digested something, Skeletor?"

"Ladies, ladies," Edward held up his hands to stop the bickering. "I'm glad you're both enthusiastic about the contest."

Bella and Jane glared at each other, still whispering insults as they turned to face Edward. Bella dropped back down in the chair in a huff, crossing her arms over her chest.

"The first round starts in just three hours. Tonight's challenge will be hand eye coordination. This evening you'll get to choose your wardrobe. Dress appropriately. A car will arrive at seven to bring you to my house."

Edward stood. He walked to the door and held it open. "Ladies, I'll see you tonight.

Jane snatched up her purse from Edward's desk and stalked toward the door. Before she reached the threshold, she looked over her shoulder to Bella with a hateful smile. "You're going to wish you were never born."

"I'm sure your parents already wish that about you." Bella stood, marching over to her. She bent down slightly so she stood eye to eye with Jane, only a few inches separating them.

"You're going to pay for that comment, cow."

"Bring it, you wretched, whoring gnome."

"Don't push me, bitch, or I'll cut you."

Edward grinned. Seeing Jane all worked up was her default behavior, but he'd never witnessed such a fiery Bella. Her nostrils flared and streaks of read spread up her cheeks as she clenched and unclenched her fists. A surge of arousal shot through Edward, and he couldn't wait to see how she fared in the competition.

"Please," he said, gently pushing them apart with a hand on each of their shoulders. "Save your energy for this evening, okay? You'll need it."

Jane stormed off in one direction and Bella stomped off in the other. Edward watched the two of them disappear, hearing doors slam less than a minute later.

This is going to be fun.

*~*~*

Bella stepped out of the limousine in front of Edward's house. She'd been wracking her brain for hours wondering what the first challenge would be. Knowing Edward, she suspected it would be something straightforward, like video games or puzzles. Then again, she would never have predicted this behavior from her boss, or that she'd even be willing to go along with such a ridiculous way to win Edward's love. The whole thing was just insane. She wondered how far she would go for Edward, if it was worth humiliating herself for his amusement and for the promise of marriage.

As she made her way to the front door, visions of past episodes of Fear Factor danced behind her eyes. Suddenly Bella worried that Edward would ask them to do something horrible, like dig nickels out of a tank of cow eyes or give hand jobs to a line of sailors. She shook her head. That's where she drew the line. If she did anything sexual with him, it would be in his bedroom, with the door closed, and not in front of Jane.

Wait, this was Edward she was talking about. He would never do anything so tasteless. Then again, this contest was far from gentlemanly.

Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door. It swung open, revealing a scantily clad Jane hanging on Edward's arm. Bella looked down at her own outfit, dark jeans and a sleeveless shirt. She'd tried to choose clothes that gave her a wide range of motion without getting in the way. Jane, on the other hand, must have assumed that "dress appropriately" meant "dress like a ten dollar hooker."

Edward ushered her into his house, leading both women to the living room. In front of his large screen plasma TV were two joysticks. When she saw the Xbox console, Bella started chanting in her head. Please let it be Race Pro. Please let it be Race Pro.

Sure enough, when he clicked on the television set, the opening display for Race Pro appeared on the screen.

"Yes!" Bella whispered, earning a scowl from Jane and a crooked grin from Edward.

"Okay, the first challenge will demonstrate your level of hand-eye coordination. Each of you will have three races. Whoever wins the most will get a kiss from me."

Bella plopped down on the floor in front of the TV, grabbing a joystick and clicking through the menu to select a two player game. It was the one and only time she was grateful for the hours Rosalie coerced her into playing Xbox.

With confidence and a healthy dose of cockiness, she hurled the other controller at Jane's head.

Jane ducked, barely blocking the plastic from whacking her in the eye.

"Come on, you moose fellator," Bella growled. "Let's play."

"Bitch," Jane replied. She surveyed the room, trying to figure out where to sit. Rather than join Bella on the ground, she snuggled next to Edward. As she winked seductively at him, Bella started the game.

"Dammit!" she yelled, already behind Bella, whose car sped onto the track. Jane never played these stupid games. Why had Edward asked them to do this? Surely there were better ways to show her hand prowess. Jane grimaced as her car crashed into the wall and burst into flames.

Bella craned her neck behind her, wide grin on her face. "One to nothing."

"Shut up."

Edward watched the two of them play, highly amused. Bella threw herself into the game, jerking her hands above her head and leaning over as she rounded a curve. Jane spent most of her time swearing, scowling or tossing down her controller when she fell behind or lost.

Within a span of about five minutes, Bella won—three races to none.

Standing up and clapping, Edward beamed at the beautiful woman on his carpet.

"Congratulations, Bella. You've won round one."

Standing next to her, he held out his hands to help her up. He paused, tilting her chin up with his thumb, then pressed his lips to hers. At first the kiss was slow and sweet, but it quickly grew into breathless hunger. Bella tugged at his copper-colored nest of hair, while Edward's palms sunk lower on her back.

Behind them, Jane glared at both of them, simpering and sighing. "You're my boyfriend now, Edward," she whined. Shouldn't I get to kiss you regardless of who wins?"

When Edward finally broke away from the kiss, panting and visibly aroused, he rolled his eyes at Jane.

"Sorry. For the duration of the contest you don't get any special privileges."

Bella brought her hand to her forehead. Kissing Edward made her feel dizzy and euphoric. This is so worth it, she thought. I'd do almost anything for a lifetime of kissing Edward. What was a little bit of embarrassment if he was the ultimate prize?

"This sucks," Jane glowered. She yanked a fallen strap from her teddy up her shoulder and tossed her head as if she wasn't bothered at all that her boyfriend was sucking the face of some miserable slob. "Enjoy it while you can, sow beast. You won't be winning tomorrow."

Edward smiled at Bella, dragging one last swipe of his knuckle across her cheekbone. "I've wanted to kiss you again for weeks, Bella. I'm so glad you won," he purred.

With a swoony smile, Bella nodded.

He straightened, his gaze moving between the two women. "Tomorrow night, a car will again arrive for you at 7 pm. Both of you will need to wear the outfit in this bag. I assume I chose the correct show size." He walked to a cabinet near the front door, motioning for them to join him. He pulled out two large, sealed, black plastic bags with each of their names taped on them.

"Jane, here's yours."

She started to rip open the corner.

"Stop! Don't open it yet. In fact don't open it until you wake up tomorrow. There's a sensor on the bag that shows if you've followed my instructions or not. You will be penalized if you open it early." Edward raised an eyebrow in warning. Jane had trouble with patience, and she huffed in protest at having to wait.

"Bella," he said, handing her the remaining bag.

It felt heavy and lumpy, and Bella had to grasp the handles with both hands before she dropped it.

"Oh, by the way, the theme for the next challenge will be 'Lowering inhibitions.'"

With that he opened the door, again indicating that they should leave. "Goodnight ladies. I'll see you tomorrow."

*~*~*

Lowering inhibitions.

Bella's stomach flipped and flopped.

What the hell was Edward thinking? This was what he wanted them to wear?

She stood in front of her full length mirror in a vinyl catsuit that zipped up the front and four-inch, knee-high boots. In her plastic bag was a note:

Wear your hair up. I love your graceful neck.

Her buzzer indicated that the driver had arrived. With a loud sigh, she wobbled out her door and locked it. What was I getting myself into?

Getting out of the limo was an impressive feat of balance, but she'd nearly snapped her ankle walking to the front door. She finally made it into Edward's living room, propped up against the wall.

Jane, as usual, had added her own personal touch to the outfit. She'd affixed absurdly long fake eyelashes with dots of red glitter at the tips to her eyes, along with about twenty pounds of make up. She'd also cut slits up the sides of her catsuit and held the ends together with large silver safety pins. Bella lip curled in disgust.

Edward had pushed most of his furniture to the side, clearing a path through the middle. A thin, red rug ran the length of the room. On one end was a brown leather chair. At the other were two pedestals, each with a silvery domed tray like the ones used for room service at a hotel. Two dining room chairs sat behind the pedestals.

"Jane, Bella, follow me."

He strode to the other end of the room. Circling the pedestals, he stood facing the women, with one hand on each of the silver domes. When the two women took their places across from them, he began the instructions.

"Each of you will need to complete a task this evening. You've already met half of the challenge by wearing your outfit. The other half is this: starting from your pedestal, you must transport an object from here to there," he said as he jerked his chin toward the leather chair, "and you must do it as sensuously as possible."

Edward looked pointedly at Jane. "You may not disrobe." He attempted to cut off her imminent thoughts of swaying him to victory with her penchant for nakedness. "You must remain in your catsuits."

You kinky fucker, Jane thought. She loved to see the competitive side of Edward, but this took it to a whole new level. She never knew he was such a tiger. Jane glanced at Bella, smiling to herself as she compared herself to McFrumpy Frumperson. This round was totes in the bag. Casper over there had about as much sex appeal as a half dead walrus. She met Edward's gaze and winked.

Bella snorted. Her annoyance at Jane momentarily displaced her anxiety. What was underneath those silver domes? What would Edward ask them to do? Her mind pictured oversized sex toys…or maybe it was something on the other end of the spectrum. Something totally unsexy. Again Bella hoped her Fear Factor nightmare wouldn't come to pass.

"Here you go," Edward said, lifting up the domes with a flourish.

Jane blinked at the pink object and started to laugh. "Sweet."

"Huh?" Bella tilted her head, not at all expecting what she saw on the pedestal. "A cupcake?"

On each fluted, porcelain plate sat a large, strawberry cupcake with a pile of white icing and a cherry on top.

"Yes, a cupcake. You know how I love those carbs. Bella since you won the last round, you get to go first."

"I have a question," Bella asked nervously.

"Yes?"

"Can we eat it?" The cupcake?"

"Sure. You can do whatever you like with it. Be creative. And sensuous."

With that, Edward threw the silver domes on the sofa and settled into the leather chair. Removing a remote from his pocket, he pointed it at the stereo against the wall. Ru Paul's "Supermodel (You Better Work)" song blasted out of the speakers. Edward reached behind his chair and pulled out a clipboard and a pen, resting it on his knee.

He waved at Bella expectantly. "Go on."

Bella stared at her cupcake. What was I supposed to do with it? Her eyes flicked at Edward and back to the pastry. Ooookay. She picked up it up, accidentally smooshing frosting along her finger.

"Oops," she said, moving the cupcake to her other hand and licking off the pink smear. Right, sensuous. She slowed down her movements, closing her eyes. "Mmmm…tasty," she murmured. God, I feel like an idiot.

Bella peeled off the paper on the outside, dropping it on the plate. Holding it in both hands, she awkwardly shimmied her hips as she made her way down the rug. She stopped every few steps and took a small bite out of the cupcake. In a moment of boldness, she tossed her head and the ends of her ponytail flew across her face got stuck in the mound of frosting.

"Ugh," she grunted, momentarily forgetting that she had an audience. She frowned as she grabbed her hair and sucked off the tips. Jane's hyena-like guffaws behind her jolted her back to reality.

Sighing in defeat, she hustled to Edward and held out her mangled dessert.

Edward raised his eyebrows as he whipped out a garbage can, watching Bella drop the remains of the cupcake in it. He clapped half-heartedly.

"Nice job, Bella. Jane, you're up."

Jane pick up her cupcake. Her eyes were wide and she licked her lips hungrily. As she danced around the pedestal, shaking her ass and lifting the cupcake over her head, Bella shook her head. The woman pranced around like she wore four-inch heels every day. She probably did. She probably had her own stripper pole in her basement.

Jane took a few steps down the rug, digging her fingertips into the frosting and sucking them off with a loud slurping sound. She strutted up and down the room, bending over and grinding her hips as her tongue flicked around the base of the cake. Jane threw back her head, rubbing her icing covered hand on the front of her catsuit, smearing pink across her breast and stomach. All the while she made loud, porn-style noises and pushed her fingers deeper into her mouth.

Bella looked on in horror. Who would have thought that Jane could make eating a cupcake so obscene?

By now the cake was either eaten, crumbled or spread across herself, so Jane fell to her hands and knees, crawling like an animal toward Edward. A glob of icing stuck to her fake eyelashes, and she blinked repeatedly so it wouldn't glue her eye shut.

Edward nodded appreciatively and made notes on his clipboard.

Ru Paul was on repeat, and it took Jane two times through the song to finally reach Edward. On her hands and knees in front of him, through her clenched teeth, she offered the topping of her cupcake to him.

"Baby, do you wanna eat my cherry?"

Bella grunted, trying not to throw up. Her cupcake now sat in her belly like lead ball. She grew ever sickened by Jane's crazy, sex eyes and Edward's apparent approval of her. Between her smeared mascara and pink, greasy catsuit, she looked like some fetish gone horribly awry.

She closed her eyes to the scene in front of her and the annoying chorus of the one-hit wonder drag queen. Can I go home now?

Edward stood, clapping. Jane bounced up and down, surely realizing she'd taken the cake tonight. He met Bella's gaze for a moment, and something—amusement? regret? mockery? flashed in his eyes. Then he focused his attention back on Jane.

"The round two winner is Jane!" Edward announced.

Bella unzipped her boots, dropping them onto the carpeting. She stood, suddenly exhausted.

At first she'd agreed to this contest just to spite Jane. She still loved Edward, even though he was acting like an ass. But tonight she felt nothing but sadness and indignation. Shouldn't Edward love me for who I was, and now for how I could mouth fuck a cupcake or saunter in fuck-me boots?

As she trudged to the front door, she heard Edward's voice. "The car will arrive at seven tomorrow for the final round, Bella! The theme is 'Dedication.'"

*~*~*

"Tonight I've decided to pull out the big guns. Jane, Bella, please sit down on the sofa."

Edward started digging through box near his feet. Before he could explain his statement or the box, his front door burst open. Mike Newton and Felix barged in.

"What is the meaning of this?" Edward demanded.

"Jane!" Mike cried out.

"Bella! Thank goodness we got here in time," Felix yelled.

Bella's confusion grew as he raced toward her, clutching her arms in his hands.

"What's going on, Felix? Why are you here?"

Before he could answer, Mike pulled out a thick envelope from his pocket. "Jane, we've been trying to set up a contract for you for months. I want you to be the primary model for my company. You will be the face for all of our ad campaigns in both the United States and Europe. Eventually, it could even become a movie deal if you play your cards right."

Jane's outrage immediately fizzled as dollar signs and publicity possibilities swirled in her mind. "Go on."

"Here's the three year contract. It's for thirty million dollars. We'll even throw in a Porsche and the keys to a villa in Paris."

As Mike went over the details, Felix tugged on Bella's arm.

"Stop doing that!" she yelped as she batted his hand away. "What's going on?"

"Look, Bella, everything you know about Edward is a lie. I'm not his bitter cousin in the company. I'm a secret FBI agent and we've been doing an investigation on him for ten years. Edward's a criminal—we're going to nail him for embezzlement, fraud, money laundering. You should see the wrap sheet on this guy. Mone's kept him free so far, but we've finally got enough evidence to put him away for life."

"That's impossible!" Bella shouted, spinning at Edward.

His green eyes burned into Felix, his mouth a vicious snarl. "Don't listen to him, Bella! He's lying."

"No, I'm not. You want video? I can show you video. Audio? You got it! We've got a decade long paper trail on him."

Felix pulled out a thick manila file from under his arm. He opened it, grabbing stapled files of paper. "We've got receipts! Phone records! Offshore accounts in a dozen aliases! We've even got him tied to the mafia!"

"Edward?" Bella asked, confused. What did she really know about Edward? She thought he was a kind, hard working man, but two days ago he had turned into some lunatic who thought he could choose a wife like a reality show circus. No normal man would have asked her to do what she'd done in the past three nights.

Maybe she'd been wrong about Edward this whole time.

"Edward!" Jane shrieked. "I'm out of here!"

"Wait! What about the contest?"

"Fuck the contest. With 30 million I don't need you. That's all I ever really wanted from you anyway, Edward. I wanted to be famous and I thought you could help me. Now I see that Mike here can get me what I want instead. Don't be sad, Eddie. You were losing your sense of fun anyway. That's why you'll be perfect with your secretary." Jane linked her arm through Mike's. "Come on, Mikey. Let's make me a star." She sauntered off, giggling at her new boyfriend.

Edward stalked toward Bella, instantly forgetting Jane. He grasped both of her hands and stared at her, his eyes imploring. "Please, Bella. You've got to believe me. I would never do what Felix claims I would do."

Bella studied the two men, trying to sort through the chaos in her mind. She remembered Edward in high school, at the office, and how he made her feel whenever she saw him. She did the same with Felix, focusing on his eyes and her gut reaction to his words.

She made up her mind, shrugging out of Edward's grip.

"Well?" Felix asked. "Can we count on you as a witness? Can we also move you to a safe place so that he can't hurt you anymore?"

"No Felix. You can't. I don't believe you." Bella turned to Edward, tears now dripping down her face. "I know you're not a criminal, Edward. I don't know what the hell is going on here, but I do know that you would never break the law."

She dragged her feet to the door, suddenly feeling as if her shoes were weighted in concrete.

"Wait!" Edward called after her. "Where are you going? You won the contest! Don't you want to want to marry me?"

Bella realized that both she and Jane had gotten their hearts desire. Jane got her modeling contract and pile of money, and Bella won the only thing she'd ever wanted: Edward. Her heart broke when she also realized that she'd wanted the old Edward, not this strange new version of him. And she wanted him to choose her freely, not because she'd won a contest.

"I did, Edward, but not anymore. Not like this. I'm going home."

*~*~*

The next day Bella snuck into the office to pack up her belongings. She couldn't stay here with Edward after everything that happened. As she closed her desk drawer, she heard a noise behind her.

"Edward. I…I hoped I could leave without seeing you."

"I know, Bella. That's why I came here to find you. There's something I need to tell you. The whole contest was a farce…a test of sorts. Jane had twisted my sense of love so much that I worried that maybe you were like her—that you only wanted me for my money."

"Why would you ever think that? I've never given you any indication…"

Edward held up his hand. "I know. I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking rationally. At the time I felt like I needed a way to make sure that you really loved me, that even if I was acting crazy or you heard something horrible about me, that you would still pick me. I'm sorry that I ever put you through this, Bella. Please forgive me."

Bella's mouth hung open. What could she say? While she was happy to hear Edward's apology, it didn't change the fact that he'd screwed with her head, made her perform humiliating tasks in order to win his love, and doubted her feelings for him.

"I'm sorry, Edward. This isn't something you can fix."

"Bella? Can you hear me? Bella! Bella! Oh god, honey, please! Can you hear me?"

Bella's face wrinkled in confusion at Edward's words. Of course she could hear him. He was standing right in front of her. She opened her mouth to reply when she was overcome by a violent, shooting pain in her head. Everything went black and she whimpered as strong hands gently shook her shoulders.

"Bella? Bella? Open your eyes if you can hear me!"

She recognized Edward's voice but still couldn't figure out what was going on. Again the pain gripped her, and she raised her hand to her forehead. It felt warm and sticky. Wait, had Edward struck her when she wasn't looking?

Slowly Bella opened her eyes. A wall of nausea hit her. She groaned, rolling to her side and vomiting on the floor next to her face.

Edward leaned over her, panic and relief warring on his face. "Oh thank god. The ambulance hasn't arrived yet and when you lost consciousness I freaked out. Bella? Can you hear me?"

She tried to answer, but found her tongue had turned to cotton. "Yes," she croaked. "Stop asking me that."

Edward chuckled, running his hand through his hair. "God, Bella, you scared the crap out of me. You slipped on the rug and fell forward. Your head hit the corner of your desk and you blacked out. If anything would have happened to you…"

"Hold on," Bella moaned. "What about the contest? Did you convince Felix to go along with it?"

"What are you talking about?" Edward frowned. "What contest? Did I convince Felix to go along with what?"

"The win-Edward contest. Jane chose the money over you. I won, but I didn't want to marry you just because I could play video games. Why did you ruin cupcakes, Edward? Why?"

"What is your crazy secretary rambling on about?" Jane snapped. She sat on the waiting room sofa, watching Bella bleed on the carpeting and hoping she'd die before the paramedics showed up. She put down her nail file and glared at Bella. "Trust me, Edward would never marry you. Don't kid yourself."

Two EMTs ran out of the elevator, carrying a stretcher and a first aid kit. They crouched next to Bella, lifting her up and securing her neck. As they continued to check her vitals, it dawned on Bella that she'd been hallucinating. Maybe there was no win Edward contest. That would certainly explain things.

"Shit," she groaned.

Edward stepped back to make room for the paramedics, shaking his head in total confusion. Bella thought that he'd asked her to marry him and he'd somehow "ruined cupcakes." I hope she doesn't have brain damage.

"Come on, Jane. We'll follow the ambulance in the car." He herded her up, never taking his eyes from Bella. Please be okay, Bella.

"We'll be right behind you, okay, Bella? I'll see you at the hospital."

Bella closed her eyes, only half-hearing the barking statements from the EMTs. She let the blackness take her as she slid into unconsciousness.