Well, you read the summary. I'm not gonna say much here, that would just spoil it and you probably don't care very much anyway. I'll just say that, being neither British nor Japanese, I cannot own Naruto, the Discworld or any personnage or mannerism therein. Well that's done, I'll babble more after you read.
A few months had passed since the disbanding of the Great Shinobi Alliance, and the definitive demise of Akatsuki. Without the threat of the underground organization, the Kage didn't have much an incentive to maintain their alliance, and all the factions had gone their separate ways after signing a couple of formal agreement not to wage war on each other. And life in the hidden villages fell back on a routine. Well, as much a routine as can be found in a place with a high concentration of battle hardened and quirky ninjas, anyway. And after such a tense period on their life, everyone found rather comforting to be coming back to regular contract work. Still, there were jobs to be done for the benefits of the village itself.
It was one of those missions that sent Team 8 on the northern border of the Land of Fire. That particular squad tended to specialize on recon jobs, and included Aburame Shino, a tall and quiet person with an affinity for insects, Inuzuka Kiba, an energetic, some would say brash, young man who never went anywhere without his dog Akamaru and Hyuuga Hinata, a shy girl with strange white eyes. They were usually led by their former Jounin instructor, a stern woman called Yuhi Kurenai, but with the latter in maternity leave, the leadership was assumed by Shino, while Uzumaki Naruto, an enthusiast blond and fellow ninja, had been temporarily assigned to their team.
The reason the Fifth Hokage Tsunade had chosen that particular affectation was, officially, that Naruto's unique approach of the Shadow Clones technique made him an assets for such mission. The reason most people thought about, though no one dared say it out loud, was that his seemingly endless energy was much better spent far away from the village, on the border. Or anywhere else, really, as long as it was out of hearing range.
As it is, Shino was more and more ready to believe the officious version. The guy just. Would. Not. Shut. Up! He sighed. Being the quiet one was all very well, but sometimes it seemed like internal screaming just didn't cut it, and that he would feel a lot better if took the time to actually yell at someone. For now, he decided, firm disapproval would do. Hopefully.
"Naruto, recon missions require for ninja to move stealthily; for the success of the assignment and the physical integrity of the squad members demand that no ill-intentioned third party be able to take notice of their approach"
The blond only answered with a blank stare and a raised eyebrow, which simultaneously made Shino despair, Kiba laugh and Hinata look a little awkward. Still, she charitably supplied:
"Err… he means that we should not risk alerting an enemy."
Inwardly, Shino groaned. "We". Apparently, his teammate just couldn't bring herself to openly blame Naruto. This was getting old.
"I get that!" Naruto answered, "I just can't believe he manage to make himself THAT complicated! I mean, it's like every time he actually speak he wants to make up for all the stuff he hasn't said!"
"You know it and yet you're still talking…" Kiba's muttered comment was actually only meant for Akamaru, but Naruto heard it anyway. Quite maturely, he responded by pouting and didn't add a word until they stopped for the night, for which the other boys felt grateful. Hinata, on the other hand, had a hard time resisting the urge to giggle every time she saw her crush's face.
"You said something?" asked a curious voice.
Slightly thrown off by Naruto's direct question, Hinata fell back on an old tick of hers and nervously twiddled her fingers. Noticing that, she angrily shoved her hands in her pockets and, putting on a neutral face, mumbled something about finding some kindling and took off, leaving behind a bewildered Naruto.
Later that night, while they were enjoying their meal (grilled rabbit, courtesy of the canine duo), the four started discussing sleeping arrangements; on a regular Team 8 mission, the boys would take one of the two small tents, and Hinata and Kurenai would take the other, and that was it. On a regular Team 7 mission, Yamato would create a large wooden cabin (or a small wooden house, depending on his mood and how you looked at it) and every one had their own room. This time, they would need to come up with a new arrangement, because for some reason, Shino and Kiba were not convinced by Naruto's relatively easy solution:
"Aw, c'mon! Just do like you usually do and I'll take whichever spot is left, what's with all the fuss?"
Despite Hinata's most sincere efforts to stay out of the conversation, she couldn't help but feel the red slowly rising in her cheeks. God, that was so embarrassing! And the worst part was, they were actually trying to help her! They had no doubt that spending the whole night next to him would be too much for her nerves, and they were probably right. Still, if it didn't get better, she would have to give her input…
Eventually fed up with the continual hesitation from the other two, Naruto rolled his eyes, turned to the awkward young woman and said, in his usual blunt way:
"Well then let's just ask her! Hey, Hinata, which one of us would you rather sleep with? Hinata? Hinata?"
Okay, that was it, she thought while burying her face in her hands. She could never EVER look at ANY of them in the eyes ever again, she just knew. Despite Naruto's increasingly worried demands, she buried her face a little further and allowed herself a little whimper.
"Hinata, are you alright? What's gotten into you!"
Finally, that was it. None of them could take it anymore. It was time to snap.
"For Heaven's sake, Naruto! Are you really this infuriatingly dumb! Can you really not see it! The whole promotion, heck, the whole f_ing village sees it! Every time, it's just that f_ing obvious! I can't f_ing take it anymore! She likes you, you hear me you dumbass! L-I-K-E-S, likes you! I cannot, for the love of all that crawls, swims or flies even begin to fathom what she sees in you, but she does! You get that!"
There was a heavy silence. The other three looked at him with round eyes, as if unable to believe it had happened. Now that he had calmed down, he idly wondered if they were more surprised by the fact that someone had snapped at all, or by the fact that it was him, Shino, who had done so? Either way, they spend the next five minutes in complete and utter silence.
But very few things could make Uzumaki Naruto, N°1 Hokage candidate, remain silent for a long time. Ramen was an obvious one. So was sleeping. Training and sulking were less obvious, but they did the trick. And as the people of Konoha would learn in the following weeks, inter-gender activities worked just as well, most of the time. But that was it. And even five minutes were definitely too long. He opened his mouth.
"Well I know that."
The silence came back…
"WHAT!"
… but not for long. This time, it was Kiba.
"You know?"
"Well, yes, she told me a while ago, during Pain's attack. We've been together for the last few months" He then turned to Hinata "By the way, I just won the bet so you're stuck to kitchen duty for the two weeks after we get back."
That comment, combined with her recent embarrassment and the shock at Shino's outburst, caused her to be just a little bit bitter and sarcastic in her answer:
"As you wish, Naruto-kun; it is your stomach, after all…
"Now, now," began Naruto, uneasy.
"Time out! You… and you… He… She… What? Who? When? WHY?"
"Exactly! I mean… I would not have asked with that particular choice of words, but still! Explain!"
"What do you want me to explain?" asked Hinata, bemused, "Pain had nailed him to the ground, and he was about to kill him, so I jumped in and tried to help him out. I just sort of confessed in the middle of it."
"And you got yourself almost killed" Naruto put in, but Hinata shrugged him off.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time. Beside, you do stupid stuff like that all the time"
"True enough. So she confessed, and after the battle I tried to talk to her about it, so we went on a date and… I don't know, it just all sort of… happened" said Naruto, with an confirmation nod from Hinata.
"But why did you never inform us of this? Why the secrecy?" asked a miserable Shino while his brain desperately tried to make some sense of the revelation.
"Oh, that part was my idea" said Naruto, rather proud of himself, "I figured since all of you guys had had a lot of fun watching me being clueless – and don't you try denying it! Or saying I'm always clueless, Kiba, I heard you! – we should let you in the dark and bet on whoever would figure it out, or snap and spill, first. And I won!"
"I wasn't convinced at first but he looked at me with his eyes and I…" Hinata trailed off. "But I still can't believe it was Shino; I was so sure Kiba could snap any moment!"
"See, that's because you're too smart."
"I'm sorry?"
"Smart people always assume that the loud ones are the one who will explode faster. Truth is, we rarely get angry enough for that, 'cause whenever we're a tiny bit angry, it comes out. So we've never much that stay inside", explained Naruto while deliberately ignoring the suspicious look on his girlfriend's face, "and we don't explode that way." He paused, saw her now skeptical expression and amended: "Well not often anyway. People who are more the smart and silent type, on the other hand, they keep it bottled up, so at some point… BANG!"
"Are you certain about that?" she said, dubious, "because it sounds…"
"Remember that time with the egg-beater and the cucumber?"
She froze.
"Oh." she said, faintly. "oh right."
"See?"
"Right."
"Now what's that business with the, er, whatever you say it was?" asked Kiba, almost angrily.
They looked at each other, then away.
"Don't ask."
"You do not want to know."
"That's not fair! Why you…"
"Actually, Kiba" interrupted Shino, "if the revelations we have been give this night are any indication, I am almost positive that we do not, indeed, have any desire to know."
It is a well known fact that some people can and do use long winded sentences as a coping mechanism; this would indicate 1) that Shino was among them and 2) that he was quite shaken. Incidentally, there was a theory in certain circles in Konoha that Shino used long sentences whenever he spoke at all for exactly that reason. Oddly enough, while people would scold advocates of that theory for being mean, no one ever said anything about them being wrong.
"Bottom line", said Naruto, eager to change the subject, "I can make practically anyone go mad! I'm just that amazing!"
He made a big, silly and slightly crazy grin and waggled his eyebrows which had the double effect of making Hinata giggle and all the others gag, Akamaru included.
"OK", said Kiba, "so I get the whole bet thing, but what was that thing you say about kitchen dut… Now wait a minute! You two! You actually live together!"
"No!"
"Well not technically…"
"Actually yes, but only technically, really…"
"Just explain" said Shino wearily.
Hinata took a big breath. It was one of those breaths that say, quite clearly, that the breather is about to tell a story he or she find embarrassing for some reason, and is so awkward about it that he or she is going to add as much helpful details and supplementary indications as possible, partly because they feel it might be taken the wrong way, and partly because they hope you'll be to occupied with it to notice what they're actually saying. Fortunately for us, those people never do realize that if they kept it simple and to the point, the story would be rather dull and people would just move along.
"Well, you know I turned sixteen a few weeks after that day with Pain", began Hinata as she fell back on her old fingers tic, "and at about that age it is tradition for Hyuuga to start to live by themselves well fifteen really but it is not mandatory you have to ask actually and most people prefer to wait another year so about that time I moved in my own place and Naruto walked me home after a date and he was tired so I offered him the couch and then the guest room and he is there at least five nights a week so I guess you could say but really he still has his own home I just…"
"So you haven't moved in but he usually stays?" tried Kiba, who was starting to get a headache.
"Sure. Let's go with that. I mean, yes, that's about it."
"Right." Kiba only sounded half convinced, but he decided not to pry. "So what was that about Hinata and cooking?" Not to pry too much, at least. "She's rather good at cooking; she's always doing rice balls and grilled meat on missions. I hope you don't let her do all the chores…"
"Well you see…" began Naruto uneasily, though not so much because of Kiba's rather lame attempt at subtle threats than because he wasn't quite sure how he should say it. Hinata saved him the trouble by finishing bluntly:
"That is about all I can do" she said in a relatively annoyed tone. "I never had to cook for myself when I lived on the compound and I am not good at it. Usually I just clean. Do you have other questions?"
"Actually…"
It was then that Shino decided to step in.
"I believe this is enough for tonight. Let us get some rest in order deal with the future events with maximum proficiency. Each of us will stand guard for two hours then sleep on the spot freed by the next sentry. I begin, and then Kiba, and then Naruto, Hinata you will be last. If we must, we shall talk about this when back at Konoha. No questions? Good."
It was pretty clear from his expression that they better not have questions, and this was quite telling, considering how little of his expression they could actually see. He sighed wearily and prepared himself for his two hours shift. Then, with a sudden sense of dread, he realized that Naruto, while he had gone to his tent like the others, still looked at him expectantly.
"What is it, Naruto?"
He didn't even have the courage of dismissing him anymore.
"Just a thought. Earlier, when you snapped…"
"Yes?" asked Shino, wearily.
"What did you mean, exactly, by "funderscoring?""
C'est fini les amis!
Now is the time to review; that is, if you want to, that is. You are not under any obligation to do so. If you do, here are some thing I would like to learn:
First, as you may have noticed, there are some weird phrases and the ponctuation is quite far off. This due to the fact it is my first attempt at writing in this language. I did my best, but French has probably influenced my writing. If I indeed have made mistakes like that, I simply cannot detect them. So calling me on them would be most appreciated. Incidentally, that's also why I might (again, I just can't see it) use a rather mix and match language, smart words with rude words, British, American and the others mixed together.
Second, my unofficial beta is currently out of touch, and I get the feeling that if I publish that story, it needs to be done before Chapter 559 comes out. It will probably be inconsistent with my story, and that's an issue I have mostly avoided, and I would rather keep it that way. I tend to digress, but the point is this story has not been properly checked, which for someone as openly grammar extremist as myself, is hard to accept. Do not hesitate to point out spelling mistakes or the like. I'd drink Diet Coke rather than let an error tarnish my text (I'm pretty sure that phrase is weird).
Third, on a general basis, I prefer suggesting things than spelling them out; as a result, some things might be left unclear. If you think so, just tell me, I'll answer your question and I'll see to it that other don't have the problem.
Well, that's it. If you're still reading, thank you. If you're not, I don't mind, but you probably don't know that. Button is right here. Just click it.
Enjoy your future readings.