This is basically my first story kind of
Disclaimer: well you all know the drill I tell u I don't own Harry Potter then im supposed to make some kind of funny and cute(but really only to the author) comment about what I do own or what id trade for the ownership of Harry Potter or how much I wish I owned Harry Potter and then maybe tell you what Id do to butcher the story if I did own Harry potter well i own nothing I'm homeless and I'm typing this at the library the clothes I'm wearing are borrowed and I need to go return them bye.
Chapter 1
Vernon Dursley had tried to be normal a for a while he tried to be normal when he played with toy trucks and action figures , he had tried to be normal when he played football outside the elementary with all of the other boys at recess instead practising his art like he wanted( his father thought you couldn't make a living off art well ha he'd shown him), he tried to e normal when he got laid for the first time at a party by his girlfriend, he'd tried to be normal found himself a "respectable' like his father wanted, he'd tried to be normal up until he was 22 when he met Peter insert last name. he saw how pitiful he was and decided that he would fix him. Peter was self hating vile disgusting loathsome the kind of person that would kill a puppy if it bit him, Vernon showed him a world(a less vile world) even he himself didn't know existed and in that he became himself who he had always been . And so he stated a life with him, quit his job became an artist and made a satanic sacrifice of there neighbour's cat to so they could impregnate Peter with a son. They had a perfect life until one day…
One day
Strange events had been happening all over the town and Vernon wondered as he got into his car to go sell some self portraits to some homeless folks foundation since he believed for some reason that a picture of his obese self would make the homeless be glad that they didn't have food on the plate(this was actually quite effective and due to his portraits self esteem in hobos had been on the rise. Really there's charts!) if it had anything to do with the magical folk who peter's homophobic sister lily had anything to do with this, He had never met the woman himself on a countof the phobia but he'd fucked her husband once (Shh don't tell Peter ) so he had seen magic for himself firsthand. He shook his head forgot about it and drove off. As he left a cat followed him with its eyes as they narrowed.
That Night
Oooh ya right there right there Arthur fuck me! FUCK ME HARD!!!!!!!!!!!
Bill ran away from the door traumatized by what he'd heard not realizing that his sister had just been conceived
That Night At the Dursley's street!
A tall stringy man dressed in what would be considered ridiculous in the muggle as well as wizarding world appeared quit suddenly around the corner and the cat jumped at his startled at being caught in the act and quickly turned away from the fogged up windows which she had been watched and pretended to be doing nothing perverse at all. The man who's name was Dumbledore walked slowly towards the cat named McGonagall as she transformed into her human form shaking his head sighing.
"I had thought you had grown out of the habit of watching muggle men having sex its rude" he lectured her while waving his finger "
b-b-b-but" she stuttered .
``And at this time especially haven't you heard the news of the potters!" he continued.
"So what" she replied "I mean I never liked them anyways lily was a homophobe(she gave Dumbledore a hard look and he blushed though you couldn't tell in the dark) and James was bisexual".
Dumbledore looked up startled " I didn't know you had anything against bisexuals!" . `
`They cant make up there damn minds!`` she yelled back at him.
`` Want a sherbet lemon `he asked all of a sudden as if he had just remembered something
"What?" She asked looking quit confuzzled. " What the hell are you talking about is that code for pot because I really don't think this is the time to be getting high!"
"No simply muggle sweet" he answered quickly "I only just remembered that I have to ask you if you want one it happens in every Harry Potter parody ive ever read and I will not allow us to be different! I WILL NOT.
McGonagall who was used to Dumbledore's eccentric nature simply changed the subject by asking "Well what's to happen to the boy sins of thy father and all that I wouldn't condemn a baby'
Dumbledore looking amused Chuckled and said " I didn't think we believed in sin McGonagall we are witches after all". "Actually now that I think about it why don't we as wizarding society have any religion I mean we have waaay more unexplained shit to think about than the muggles so in turn most of us shouldn't be able to leave our houses without praying for a couple hours let alone go around go around without any religious belief system at all!
" Don't change the subject to theology what's to happen to the boy!" She repeated "wheres he going to live Hagrids a drunk he certainly cant live with him!"
"Hes going to live there" Dumbledore muttered almost incoherently and pointed towards the house which McGonagall had been peering into up until a little while ago
Why the fuck would he live there! She said severely " they sacrificed my cousin Joey so they could have a son!"
"If that was you cousin why do you spy on them having sex!" Dumbledore asked confused 'shouldn't the sight of them make you angry?"
'Cousin Joey was an Asshole" She replied calmly " the reason he became and animagus was so he could have sex with dead kittens more effectively"
After vomiting at the mental image Dumbledore replied " There the only family that Harry has even though he hasn't met them on account of lily's homophobia oh and im sure and James having sex with the fat one didn't help either. He'll be a very happy child here…..
Ok im bored so im going to add the rest of this chapter l8ter and for now il just tell you that hagrid arrives Harrys scars is on his wrist and the Dursleys find him on there doorstep