A/N: So, this is what happens when I am bored at work and I find discarded drafts in my Fanfiction folder. I hope it entertains you ;)
DISCLAIMER: Uh huh, yeah. They're totally mine. Does anyone believe it?
Letter from Despair Land
He sneaked into the bullpen at around 5:30 am. The place was practically empty, the only signs of life coming from the break room, where some of the guys working the night shift were gathered around the espresso machine; probably trying to stay awake until they got home, back into the warmth of their beds.
He walked to Beckett's desk, opened the right, top drawer and slid the white envelope inside, placing it in a strategic spot, where she would find it for sure.
He sighed as he closed the drawer and ran his finger along the length of the desk, taking in all the decorations and knick-knacks that made it unique; that made it Beckett's. Then, he looked at his chair; the ragged, brown dirty thing that had become his, and just his. So many things in that room that had become so important to him…
He grabbed the chair by the backrest and dragged it to the corner where he had found it three years before. That was its place now, as his was back home, away from the 12th; away from Esposito, Ryan and detective Kate Beckett.
Kate strolled through the bullpen, checking on her phone, to see if there was a message confirming the search warrant they had requested the night before. Nothing. She placed the iphone on her desk with a huff and took off her coat, placing it on the back of her chair and then, sitting down to turn on her computer.
She went through all her morning work routine until something caught her eye. There was something wrong, something missing, and she couldn't figure out what it was.
She looked around her, taking in every single detail, every figurine, pen-holder and paper on her desk, her computer, the file folder rack, everything, but she just couldn't put her finger on it.
It wasn't until she turned to look at Captain Gates entering her office, that she noticed what was missing.
She got up and turned around, scanning the room for the missing object. "Where is Castle's chair?" She asked out loud so everyone in the room could hear her.
Ryan lifted his gaze from his paperwork and frowned. "What?"
"Castle's chair. Someone's moved it from its place."
Ryan joined her beside her desk while Espo started the mission searching around the now crowded bullpen.
"Beckett, it's over here." Espo pointed at the old piece of furniture sitting under the staircase, behind a deep grey column. "Johnson says Castle was here this morning and put it there himself."
Kate walked towards her partner and the young uniform, her brows furrowed and looking completely confused. "What? What time was that? Why would he do that?" She stammered. "It's ridiculous."
Johnson licked her lips and shrugged. "I don't know, detective Beckett. I found it really odd too. It wasn't even 6 when he arrived. He stood in front of your desk for a while, he took the chair, put it here and then he left. Just like that."
She was back at her desk, working on her paperwork, while they waited for that damn warrant to arrive, but her mind wasn't focused entirely on work.
He moved his chair. He came by early, when he knew none of them would be around, and then he took the chair and discarded it; put it in a corner, away from her; away from where it should be. Why?
He had been acting weird since their last case. He seemed sad, absent, sometimes, like his head wasn't where it should be, but why was he drifting away? Had she done something wrong? Had she hurt him in someway without realizing it? She needed to talk to him as soon as possible.
The day went by fast. They got the warrant, and after that, everything had been madness.
They searched the apartment, interrogated the guy, waited on CSU and ME reports and finally arrested their killer. By the time they were done, it was past 7 pm.
Kate started collecting her stuff and putting it away, pens in their holder, files in the rack, and a few notes she had been taking along the way, that she wanted to keep in her drawer.
That was when she finally saw it, the thin, white envelope with her name on it, resting on top of her paperclip case.
There was no doubt about who was the letter from. The cursive, elegant scrawl that formed the four letters of her name made it more than clear.
She opened the envelope, took a big breath and let the air out slowly, preparing herself for what she was about to read.
xxxxx
Dear Kate,
I'm writing this letter that I hope you'll read, because I need to let out all these words that are crowding my mind right now. All these words I'm dying to tell you, but I never find the courage to let out in front of you.
I need to empty my soul of this stupid feeling of loss I have since I heard you confess you heard me at the cemetery. Since I discovered that, what I've been dreaming about for years is not meant to be, because you don't feel the same way.
I want to let go. I want to be able to convince myself that I don't need you in my life. That everything I feel is stupid, and that I can shut you out and go on as if this never happened.
I want to think that someday I'll be able to lock out this stupid hope I have about you and me ever happening; about being able to kiss you, and hold you, and make love to you as I've been wishing to do for such a long time now.
I want to believe that it will all pass; that I'll stop feeling empty and cheated by life. I want to believe that, but the sad thing is that I know it will never happen.
I also want to be mad at you, and I am, but I know there's no use to it. I know it's not even fair, because you've always made clear you didn't want anything from me but a partnership, and even that, I had to force you to accept. Who was I trying to kid?
I knew perfectly well what I was getting myself into when I walked into your precinct after that first case. I knew this was not meant to be, but I had to be my stubborn self and go for it, because, why wouldn't I try to make that wonderful, challenging and invigorating woman like me?
You brought new light to my life. You made everything start to make sense again. Everything that I had thought dead, boring, unimportant, started to look better under your presence. You made everything worth it. All the pain, the long hours, the stupid writer's block, the sleepless nights and the days surviving only on greasy take out and whisky were something I was willing to do all over again, and I was so happy about it.
Again, that you got to change my life like that doesn't mean I had the same effect on yours. I know I did shake your world with my smugness and wittiness, but it seems it was not enough to make you see the other things about myself that are not as frustrating. I know I could make you happy. I am certain of that, but I haven't been able to make you believe it. I probably never will.
Thank you for letting me share all these years with you and for making me feel as part of that wonderful family that is the precinct. I will always cherish that.
As for now, I think it'd be for the best if I just left you alone for a while, or forever, who knows. I need the time to detoxify of all that is your person, your memory, everything that makes me love you, so that I can start again and, as mother would say, switch off my feelings.
I am going to miss you so much. You have no idea. Days will be a never-ending torture, but I have to do this. We both need our lives back. You deserve to have your life back; free of my dumb theories and my constant staring that bothers you so much.
I wish you all the best, Kate. I wish you all the luck in the world, all the love in the world, because I honestly want you to be happy. You, more than anyone, deserves it.
Hoping to hear from you someday,
R.C.
xxxxx
Tears were rolling down her face when she finished reading. She was flushed, her breathing was rapid and the paper was now a scrunched mess in her hands. She was crying, yes, but she was not just sad. She was mad as hell.
"Hey, Beckett, are you ok?" Espo's voice sounded from the distance, distracting her from the task of putting on her coat.
"Yeah. Fine." She mumbled.
As soon as her coat was on, she grabbed her bag, nodded her goodbyes to the boys and practically raced through the bullpen to the elevator with the letter still cramped in her fist.
She slammed the door of her car and walked angrily to Castle's building, her feet banging the cement, making the beat of her heals against the pavement resound in her ears.
She kept playing in her head what she was going to tell her partner once he opened his door. That idiot! How dare he walk away from her like that?
Kate knocked hard, until her knuckles hurt, and then waited for him to open the door. She had to bite her tongue to keep inside the vomit of words that had been forming on the tip of her tongue, when she was faced with a very surprised Martha.
"Detective Beckett. Um… We weren't… expecting you." She blurted in a not very fashionable way, so strange for her. "May I help you?"
Kate sighed and stalled, putting her thoughts in order. She looked the redhead in the eyes and talked in her best detective voice. "I need to see him, Martha. Is he here?"
Castle's mother stepped aside and let her inside the loft, making her follow her into the kitchen area. "Detective, I know this is none of my business and that I should probably keep my mouth shut, but Richard is my son, and as you can imagine, I hate watching him suffer." She explained solemnly. "I know he can be a handful, but as far as I know about this thing between you two, he's at least been honest with you about how he feels." The woman paused, boring her eyes on Kate's. "What I am trying to say here is - please, don't hurt my boy more than necessary, Kate. If you don't feel the same way, just walk away and let him lick his wounds in peace."
Her mouth opened and closed a few times, but no sound came out. Why was everybody just assuming that she didn't love him back?
Martha raised her hand to shut her up. "You don't have to explain anything to me." The redhead said. "He's in his office. Just be gentle."
Kate gaped at the other woman while she strode out of the loft on her high heals and colorful clothes, and then turned to look at Castle's office door. She had been determined to give him a reprimand, but now, after talking to his mom, she had no idea how to deal with him.
Beckett squeezed the folded piece of paper in her pocket for the thousandth time since she arrived. She had been pacing up and down his living room for a while; trying to gather up the courage to enter his office and, at last, confront him about his stupid letter.
She took a big gulp of air, squeezed her eyes shut and pushed down the door handle, throwing it open and startling Castle in the process.
"What the h-…" He hissed, springing up from his chair to avoid the whisky he had spilled on the desk from falling down on his pants. "Don't you know how to knock, Beckett?"
The way he spit her name out, as if it were some kind of repulsing thing in his mouth, made her flinch. This was going to be ugly.
She took a couple of steps forward and took the letter out of her pocket, throwing it at him. "What is this bullshit?"
Castle picked up the paper fromthe floor and placed it on the desk, not even giving it a look. "Excuse me?" He asked, his eyes cold as ice on her.
"I said, what is that bullshit?" She repeated, her voice a little higher.
The writer laughed mirthlessly and scrunched the paper in his hand, looking at her in the eyes for the first time since she arrived. "You know very well what this is, Kate. It's not so hard to understand."
"Well, I must be slow, 'cause I don't."
"Can you please stop it?" He begged. "Can you please just cut the act? You don't have to pretend that you care anymore. I get it, Beckett, and it's ok."
Kate sighed loudly and ran her hand through her hair, making the strands fall in every direction, making her look disheveled and extremely tired. "Ok, Rick, I don't know what the hell it is that you get, but do you really think this is the way to deal with this?" She enquired. "A letter? After 4 years that's all you give me? A fucking letter?"
She was fuming, and tears were threatening to fall any second. She didn't want to be vulnerable in from of him, or anybody for that matter, but maybe showing him how much it hurt, how much she cared, was exactly the best way to make him understand.
"You are very wrong if you think I'm going to let you run away from this."
He turned away from her and she heard a chuckle escape his lips. "Well, that's rich coming from you, don't you think? The freaking queen of running away from everything."
Her eyes widened and the lump in her throat suddenly became the size of a soccer ball. She wasn't surprised he thought that about her, after all, she had worked hard to win that title, but it did hurt hearing him say it out loud. It was time to show him that she was not that person anymore.
She sighed; a deep, long puff of air that left her empty. "Look, you are right. I have messed it up between us so many times, that I don't even know how you've been around for so long, 'cause I have hurt you so much, Castle. I've pushed you away; I've lied to you… And, I guess I deserve you walking out on me now, but don't you think you should, at least, give me a chance to explain myself? Please?"
Castle huffed and let himself fall back on his chair, his arms crossed and his eyes looking everywhere but at her. "Sure, Kate. Enlighten me. Tell me why have you been hiding from me, that you remember everything about your shooting. Explain to me why have you been stringing me along, making me think that I had any chance with you for almost a year, just to find out that it's all been a lie." He let out, his voice rising with each word. "Go on. Explain."
"What makes you think that I was stringing you along? Why would you think that?" She asked confused. She knew she had lied, but her actions, the looks, the smiles, the closeness they had achieved during the last few months, that was real. It had been there and there was no way he hadn't noticed the change. "Castle, I hid that fact from you because I was scared. I hid it from me too at first. I didn't want to have to deal with it when I was so weak and damaged."
"There was nothing to deal with, Kate." He practically yelled. "If you didn't feel the same, the least you could do was tell me, so could I move on."
Kate grunted and stepped dangerously close to him, her hands landing on his shoulders. "I didn't want to you move on! How can you be so blind?" She asked, reaching for his jaw and tilting his head, so he was facing her. "What in the world makes you think that I don't love you, Castle?"
TBC
Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think :)
Thanks to Tshlw for betaing for me last minute, and after this was already posted... hahaha I am master of doing things the wrong way. You rock, girl!