Amanda's POV

I don't regret it.

I am staring at her office, praying to avoid the barking call of my last name that I am sure will happen, though at the same time craving her attention, and am seemingly unable to resist the urge to walk up to the glass door and knock myself. My Lieutenant has been hard on me from day one, and I seem to always find a way to get into trouble. Ever since that horrible day that is forever burned into my mind, I have tried to do better. To earn back her trust. To get back into her good graces.

Every time I think we are getting closer, that I am starting to earn back her trust, I do something stupid. I get into trouble. I know she expected me to change after I had Jessie, and I certainly have and would do anything for my baby girl, but the impulsivity and insubordination I know she detests the most rises to the surface before I can seem to stop it. As much as I yearn for her approval, anger bubbles deep within me at the notion that after having a child I am supposed to be a different person, implying that the person I am isn't good enough.

I know I may have stepped over the line. Maybe the whole thing with Cassidy was none of my business, but despite all of the distrust she feels toward me, I have and will always respect the hell out of her and I would do anything to protect her. I couldn't stand see her put her job on the line for him. All he has done since they had ended things perhaps not so amicably is cause her pain. I told her my ass was on the line when I stormed into her office after watching Noah, but the truth is I was trying to get her to stop protecting him, and I know Liv values other people's lives more than her own. Even mine. She is selfless to a fault.

Cassidy probably told her about my tirade directed toward him at her apartment and I have an uneasy feeling bubbling in my stomach. She might be pissed and maybe I deserve it, but the truth is I would do it again. In a heart beat. I can't imagine anyone else running this unit and Cassidy jeopardized that. She may only see me as a pain but I have her back, and if it earns me an ear-bashing than so be it.

Olivia's POV

I keep looking up through the blinds of my office to see her staring at me, and I am unsure of whether it is in anger or apprehension. The truth is that it hurts me to know that I instill fear in her when I walk by, or she thinks she made a mistake. And it all stems back to that one night four years ago, when I decimated our friendship by voicing a loss of trust. The worst thing is that what I said wasn't even true. I let my anger get the best of me and I handled a delicate situation very poorly.

I get up from my chair and take a couple of steps toward the door to my office. I want to apologize. For putting her job on the line. For so many things.

"Amanda, can I see you in my office for a minute?" It pains me as I see the nervous look in her eyes and the shaky way she stands up, and the guilty tinge in her expression perplexes me. I prepared myself for this conversation, expecting to be met with anger and outrage. I half expect her to yell at me, and I wouldn't blame her if she did, but before I get a chance to open my mouth she is talking.

"Lieutenant I'm sorry. I know I stepped over the line and was disrespectful again and I will accept any punishment you deem appropriate, but I want to make sure you know that I didn't do what I did over selfishness. I have your back Liv. I know I lost your trust a long time ago and I will have to live with that but I respect you and will always look up to you. I care about you and am always here for you." She rambles, a single tear making its way down her cheek. She quickly wipes it away, a sheepish expression claiming her delicate features.

I swallow down the shock that I am feeling and think of a way to approach this.

She seems to misinterpret my silence for anger and opens her mouth presumably to issue another bout of apologies, but I hold up a kind, silencing hand.

"Amanda, you're not in trouble." I smile and my chest tightens at the confused expression painting her features. "Quite the opposite actually, you did nothing wrong. I called you in here to thank you for standing up for me like you did, and apologize for the position I put you in."

Her head cocks to the side slightly and her mouth opens and closes a few times, seemingly unsure of what to do. A wave of guilt sweeps over me again at the utter shock my apology has elicited. I am about to say something, anything, but she is talking again.

"Lieutenant you have nothing to apologize for. God knows I have put you in situations far worse than this more times than I can count. And as for having your back… you never have to thank me for that Lieutenant. It's what we do. I don't know if I've even earned the right, but I think of you, all of you guys, as family and that's what family does right?"

I blink several times to make sure that the tears I know are accumulating in my eyes don't fall. I have never had someone in my life that was so… loyal? Even after I have treated her so poorly probably more often than not. As I stare into the blue orbs in front of my all I see is concern and compassion and I choke on the lump that's in my throat because I know I don't deserve that. Not from her. I know I have to say something or she will perceive my silence as anger… I seem to have that affect on her.

"Amanda" I choke out, taking a deep breath to calm myself, for there is one thing that desperately needs to be addressed. "Of course you have earned the right to call us family. Never question that. Ever. Because you are a vital part of this team. This family." I could only hope she understands the passion I am trying to convey. "And the truth is, I really need to apologize." I see her try and interrupt but I hold up a hand again because I need to get this out before I chicken out. Before it's too late. She purses her lips together and I continue. "Not just for this, but for the last five years I owe you a sincere as all hell apology. I have been hard on you from day one. I know that, you know that, there is no way of getting around it, and to be honest, trust wasn't the problem. You remind me of well, me. When I was your age I was very similar to you. Impulsive, sometimes reckless, passionate, and loyal. I got called into Cragen's office to get my ass handed to me more times than I care to remember but I always knew he cared about me, and I didn't do the same for you. I care about you Amanda. I am grateful for you, but I was never good at showing it, and for that I am so very sorry." I stop to let air into my pounding chest then quickly continue. "As for putting me in situations, well I'd be a hypocrite if I held that against you. Cragen got suspended because of me. I am your superior here and putting you in a situation where your job could potentially be put on the line is inexcusable and I am sorry. I just hope that maybe I can earn your forgiveness. I don't deserve it right now but I will try. I promise you that." With that I close my mouth. I find my heart is racing in anticipation of her response and all I can do is wait and hope that she gives me a chance.

Amanda's POV

Concealing my shock is a seemingly insurmountable task at the moment. I expected to be dragged in here, reamed out, then put on desk duty for insubordination and instead I was thanked and apologized to. To be honest, I don't really know what to say. Sure Olivia's actions toward me have hurt sometimes, being treated like I was incompetent, and maybe they are what subconsciously fueled my actions of insubordination and deception. But for some reason my loyalty toward her has never wavered. I have had this child-like desire please her.

"Lieutenant, I'm not going to pretend that the way you have treated me didn't hurt sometimes. I have gone home crying and desperate to earn your praise and get back into your good graces, but…" I pause and take a breath, hoping that she won't hate me. "I can honestly say that I have deserved all of the reprimands I have gotten from you. You were right. I am reckless, impulsive, and I have gone behind your back. The thought of people getting away with rape, especially after I let Patton get away and do it to someone else, makes me break the rules. Sometimes it's worth it, and others I have been wrong. Look, you and Cragen, are the most stable relationships I have ever had with a boss. I admire you and I trust you. I wasn't really upset about my job being on the line because I trust you. The truth is, I brought that up because I know you, and I know that you put others before yourself- even those as unworthy as myself. I thought if I said that your actions could potentially impact me then you would make Cassidy turn himself in. I guess I was manipulative. I'm sorry… look, you have been through a lot lately, and we have both made mistakes but I am willing to try if you are?"

Her mouth opens slowly, lips trembling. "My mistakes have been much worse than yours. Even if you deserved to be reprimanded I went about it in the wrong way. Trust, trust is vital in our line of work and I had no right to lead you to believe that you lost that from me. I trust you. I trust you in the field, with my life, and I trust you with your word. What I did was dangerous in our line of work. Trust is a two way street and if I lead you to believe that I didn't have that in you, then you didn't have it in me and that was dangerous and I am sorry. You said you wanted to get back into my good graces: you are. You have been for a long time now and I should have told you this sooner."

I swallow hard with the emotion clogging my throat, looking up to see tears rolling down her face. I am about to say something. Something to assuage her fears but she is still talking.

"I am willing to do whatever it takes." She finishes, stepping closer to me, tears rolling off of her chin.

I can't take it anymore. Whatever hurt I even remember feeling seems irrelevant as I uncharacteristically pull her into my arms and hug her tight. "It's ok" I whisper. "Everything is going to be okay. I forgive you."

She looks up with a perplexed, flushed face, confusion painting her features until relief finally takes over. I smile and realize that this is all I have wanted. To be relieved of the tensions between us. For her to be at peace.

So no, I don't regret it.