"That would be the safest choice for Jake." They were only seven words, but for Jason Morgan, they held all the power and meaning in the world. Hiding in another room while the woman who supposedly loved him agreed to keep lying about their child, he knew that there was no coming back from that. He felt foolish that he had allowed himself to have false hope, to believe that he could actually have a family and a life with Elizabeth Spencer. After Emily's death, he had been able to pretend for a few days that he could be a parent to both Cameron and Jake, but her startling words had brought him tumbling back to reality. No matter how much he loved her or his son, his life would never be safe enough for her. He had made his choices long ago, and only now was he realizing what it would mean to have to deal with them.
Without even thinking, he immediately sprinted from her cozy cottage, silently vowing never to return. He knew that it would only take one trip against her threshold and he would be right back where he started from. Hot, salty tears stung at his eyes as he arrived at his motorcycle, the one thing that could guarantee his escape. He could see Lucky's police cruiser starting to pull away as she called out his name uselessly from inside the house. For a moment, he actually considered turning around and going to her. If she could only see that he would do his best to make sure that his life would never touch her, maybe she would finally accept her rightful place in his world.
Elizabeth had said so many times how she trusted him more than anything in the world, but looking back, he knew that wasn't exactly true. Her excuse now was her children, but even five years ago when they had tried to be together, she hadn't been able to accept him as he was. There had always been an inflection in her tone when she talked about his life, and he was sure that she blamed him for the mess that her life had become. Somewhere behind her doe eyes, he could her mind asking the question, "Why can't you get out for us?" He wished that the answer was simple, but nothing about the lifestyle he led was. Too deep in to ever be pulled out, leaving the organization was impossible now. Even given the chance, Jason wasn't sure that he would leave this world behind. He loved his children, but everything else in his life was wrapped up in his job. It had given him so much – direction after losing everything and a purpose when he wasn't sure how to go on.
More than that, something that Elizabeth could never understand, this world had given him his life. Most people wouldn't look at what he does as much of a life, but for him, it had always been more than enough. Working beside Sonny for all these years had given him a mentor, a best friend and a brother. No matter what happened, he knew that they would always have each other's backs. If he was to extricate himself from the organization, it would mean leaving the rest of his family behind. He loved his son, but he couldn't count on Liz always being there. The rest of them, Jason was sure that was a given.
Turning the key in the ignition, he shook his head to clear it of any thought and kickstarted the motorcycle. The familiar hum filled the still night air, instantly bringing comfort to his shaken nerves. He could sense her gazing out at him from behind the window but he couldn't bring himself to actually look up at her. Instead, he pressed forward and disappeared from her sight.
Port Charles was quiet tonight, the streets empty of any traffic. Cruising through downtown past Kelly's diner, he flirted with the idea of stopping in for a hot cup of coffee. However, a singular thought prevented him from going inside, a notion that would stop him from going to the Metrocourt, the coffeehouse or even Jake's. In a small town, the chances of running into someone he knew were simply too high for his mood. Whether it was someone from the police department with a bone to pick or someone wanting to stick their nose where it didn't belong, he didn't feel up to dealing with anyone right now. He just wanted to be alone.
Actually, as he found himself rounding a quiet bend in a palatial neighborhood near the edge of town, he realized that wasn't entirely true. Without even realizing it, he had navigated his way down a familiar toward her home. Pulling into the driveway behind the fleet of cars, he smiled to himself. Whenever either of them felt like the world was falling apart, they always came back to each other. For Jason, it always felt like coming home.
Lights in the living room poured through the windows and out onto the pristine lawn. He could hear her voice carrying through the open screen door as she sang along to one of her favorite songs. He knew that he should gather himself enough so that she couldn't tell that anything was wrong, but even if he did manage to look like he hadn't been crying, she would know. She'd always known. It was a blessing and a curse to have someone know you so well, and while at times he had hated it more than anything, tonight he was just grateful. He needed a place where he could be himself and fall apart, and her shoulder was the only place he felt safe to do that. She would never let him go through this on his own.
Just one little thing kept him from going through that front door and into her waiting arms. She still had no idea that Jake was even his son, let alone that he had fallen in love with one of the women she hated most in the world. Knowing her, she would want to lecture him about how she was right and then get angry at him for keeping this from her. He wasn't sure why he had lied to her for all these months exactly. Part of him knew that it was to keep her from doing anything rash to protect him. Another part of him also knew that he didn't want her to know. He knew that it would hurt her to know that he lied, but somehow, he'd always felt like it would hurt her more to know that he had a child with someone else. She would be disappointed without really knowing why, and that would only break both their hearts all over again.
Jason pinched the bridge of his nose as he turned his face toward the sky. Closing his icy blue eyes, he wished that he could talk to his sister right now. In her own quiet, unassuming way, Emily had always known exactly what to say. Even if they hadn't agreed on a lot of things, she had always been able to put aside her own opinions to help Jason figure out what was right for him. There would be a million times like this after that night, but in that moment, he couldn't imagine ever missing her more.
"What are you doing out there all by yourself?" Carly chirped cheerfully as she appeared on the porch. She could barely make him out in the dim light from the house, but she had known it was him by the sound of his motorcycle. "I heard you pull up a few minutes ago. When you never came in, I thought I better come out and find what's keeping you."
Reluctantly, Jason dragged his gaze from the sparkling heavens to meet her wide eyes. "I was just thinking about Emily," he told her before stepping into the light. As she got a better glimpse at him, he saw her look change drastically. She knew that something was wrong. "Sorry I came by so late. Maybe I should have called first."
Padding barefoot across the porch, she nearly ran across the expansive lawn to get to where he stood. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. Carly couldn't find the words to ask what was wrong. The deep, intense pain in his eyes scared her enough to shake her to the very core. She had only seen that look in Jason's eyes one time, the night he had found her with Sonny. Since then, she had prayed that she would never have to see that kind of overwhelming pain cross the baby blue eyes she knew as well as her own. There hadn't been any words to make it better back then, and she knew that whatever was haunting him couldn't be healed easily now. So, she slipped her small hand through his and silently led him inside.
Carly nodded at the guard as he held the door open for the pair of friends. Closing it firmly behind them, she never let go of his hand until they were seated next to each other on the couch. The house was quiet tonight with Jax and the boys all gone. Michael and Morgan were spending the night with Sonny for the first time since Emily had died, and Jacks was out of town in Hawaii to look at another hotel. She had initially agreed to go with him, but at the last minute, something had prevented her from going. He had been disappointed when she had refused to explain why she wouldn't come, but it was hard to explain a gut feeling in the pit of her stomach. He had tried to have another talk with her about trust, but Carly had been too tired to even pretend to listen to yet another lecture from him.
Turning to study her best friend, Carly was shocked to see unshed tears dwelling in his eyes. Without even thinking, she reached up to brush them away with her thumb. Jason's hands traveled up her bare arm and came to a rest on her wrist, holding her firmly in place. She could feel his body beginning to tremble as he leaned in closer to her. Slipping her arms around his back, she pulled him into an embrace and held him against her body. There were was only one person that was allowed to see Jason fall apart, and Carly had always been that one. As she shifted them on the couch so that he could rest more easily against her, he thanked God yet again for giving him this one person that he could always be himself with.
He knew that there were a million questions she wanted to ask him, but for now, she was quiet. There was great comfort to be found in the fact that she knew what he needed without having to ask. With the other women in his life – Courtney, Sam and Elizabeth – he had always felt the need to explain his every move and word. Carly had always loved him for who he was, no questions asked. Hell, in the beginning, she hadn't even needed to know his name. She was there for him then just like she was there for him now. Most of the time she was loud and demanding, but there were times where she could be silent and selfless. Those moments she kept only for him.
Carly rubbed small circles on his back, wishing that her fingers could have a heeling touch. She hated to see Jason cry almost more than anything in the world. It took her to the darkest place because she knew that there were few things that could turn him into this. If it had to do with the boys or Sonny, Jason would be calm and poised, knowing that he had to be strong for her. Still, whatever demons were crawling around inside his head, she knew that it wasn't good. Pulling back slightly so that she could look into his eyes, it pained her to see tears still rolling down his face. Pressing her forehead to his, she felt nothing but love for the man in her arms.
After a few minutes of sitting quietly like that, Jason finally began to compose himself enough to sit up. He kept his connection to Carly, afraid what would happen if he didn't feel her touch. Pulling her between his parted legs, he laid down enough to let her rest her head on his chest. The position was familiar and comfortable, and he knew that if Jax walked in the door right now, they wouldn't have to explain much. They were just being the way that they had always been, indescribably to anyone but each other. To be in their lives was to accept them because there was no changing Jason or Carly. If she needed him, he would be there. If he called in the middle of the night, she would always answer. Other than Michael and Morgan, no one else came first in her life, and other than the boys and now his son, no one came first for Jason.
She settled further against his body, snuggling into the warmth of his skin, as he easily wrapped his arms around her. Carly ached with questions, her mind imploring her to ask what was wrong. She could feel his heart racing beneath her, its rhythm rapidly drumming a melody onto her back. Finally, she gathered enough courage to ask the inevitable, afraid what would happen if she denied herself for too long. "Are you going to tell me what happened?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. Peering up at him over her shoulder, she wasn't surprised to see his silent nod. Biting her bottom lip to keep from asking another question, she nodded back in response and resumed their contented silence.
"You're not going to like it," he warned her, his voice stumbling over each syllable. She could hear the strain and hesitation in his tone. There was something that he needed to tell her but clearly didn't want to. Anyone else would try to push him into confessing, but Carly understood that he needed his space. Given time, he would tell her whatever it was that was weighing him down when he was ready. Any moment before that would simply be too soon. "I just want to sit like this for now."
Her continued silence indicated that she understood. As he closed his eyes and began to relax, he wasn't at all surprised to hear her hushed voice speak out again. "Jase, I'm here," she promised him softly. He squeezed her hand to show that he had heard her but failed to reopen his eyes. Her vow was simple but all consuming, easy but completely honest. Come hell or high water, she would stand by his side no matter what and nothing could ever take that away, not even this lie. He trusted her enough to tell her, which had never been the problem. The thing was, he had never trusted himself enough to have to break her heart.
Eventually, he was going to have to break her heart because that was the only way he could ever explain all of this to her. As much as he hated to hurt her, he didn't want to lie to her anymore. She had always been the one place he could go to when the world was too much, the one person he could tell anything to. He had told her that he loved her so many times, but even the times that he didn't, she just knew. Logic should dictate that this didn't have to be any different, but raw emotion assured him that it already was. "Carly, you know that I love you, right?" He was surprised at the question even as the words escaped past his lips.
"I do," came her muted reply. There was no hesitation or question on her part, she really did know. He had never let her doubt it in the ten years he had known her, even when he had tried to deny it to himself. He had saved her from herself when she wanted to destroy her life. He had been a father to her child when she was scared of losing him. He had been her best friend even when he had ripped his heart out. He had stood by her side even when it meant going against Sonny, the person who had given him so much. More than anything, he had yelled at her when she needed it, let her cry when she needed it, laughed with her when she needed it and allowed her to fight with him when she needed it. He let her be the woman that she needed to be because that was the woman he loved. "Just like you know that I love you."
Her confidence in him assured Jason that he could do this. He had to find the words and tell her the whole story, all of it. She was going to be angry and make accusations. She was going to cry and maybe even yell. She was going to feel hurt and betrayed and dismayed. She was not going to understand why he had did what he did, especially when he couldn't explain it to her. But after that was all over and she had time to calm down, Jason knew that she would forgive him. They would find their way through this together, just as they had so many other heartaches in the past. He knew this, he felt this, he believed this. Taking her hand in his, he took a deep breath. He felt safe with her like this in his arms. "Okay, here it goes."
Author's Note: The title of this story was slightly inspired by an amazing song, "What You Don't Know" by Katie Reider. Hope y'all enjoy.