Did You Ever Really Love Me?
Chapter 1
Santana stands alone on stage, lost and broken, how could Brittany do this to her? Sure she played tough, pretended it was for the best, that she was okay with being best friends, like her heart wasn't shattering into a million pieces.
That's what she's best at after all, putting up a façade, hiding everything behind a mask. She's an expert at it really, especially when it comes to Brittany.
Tears run down her cheeks, but no sound escapes her cold lips. As she stands there a small sob finally escapes as she collapses to the floor. The lights dim in the auditorium leaving her in pure darkness.
After what feels like an eternity she pulls herself up off the floor and exits the stage for the last time. As she walks down the halls of McKinley High she feels her body start to go numb, so many painful memories fill these halls, memories of when she was happy, when she was loved, or was she ever really loved at all?
She sighs but peeks into the choir room as she passes. She stops for a few seconds, just so she can remember the moments that they shared here together. It takes all of her willpower but she finally pulls away and continues walking. Before long she steps in front of the exit.
The Latina turns around to take one last glance at the school, one last chance to engrave the memories into her mind. She turns back to the door, more tears sliding down her cheeks before she exits.
It only takes her a few minutes to reach her house, and luckily her parents aren't home. It's just easier this way. She takes her time walking up the stairs, memorizing every place that held a special moment with Brittany.
She steps into her room and a sharp pain rockets through her chest. This place holds too many memories and it's overwhelming. This is the place she'd first kissed Brittany, where they'd first made love, the place they'd shared everything. Santana lets out another sob but moves quickly, she needs to get out of here and fast.
Minutes later she trudges toward her car in the driveway, a duffle bag slug across her shoulder, a suitcase in each hand. She stops and stares at the big house for a moment. Her mind flashes first to the note she left on the counter for her parents, then to the swing on the porch. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, savoring the memories of her and Brittany cuddled up in that very spot but the beautiful Latina lets her mind indulge for a few seconds to long.
At first she curses herself, but then remembers that it's okay because she needs to cherish the memories. After all, this will be the last time she ever looks at these places, and they will be the only memories she will ever get with the blonde; because there is no way she will be able to look at the girl again, being best friends simply isn't enough. More tears slip down her cheeks.
Santana wipes them away and loads the bags into her car, piling them on top of the stuff from her dorm room. She climbs into the driver's seat and takes a deep breath. 'This is it, the last time' she thinks to herself. She takes in another deep breath as she gathers her thoughts.
After a few seconds she makes a split decision, she can't go to New York, not yet at least. The thought tugs at the strings of her mangled heart but she knows that she doesn't have another choice. She wants to forget, to disappear, she NEEDS to run away and never be found and everyone (by everyone she means Brittany) already thinks she's going to New York.
So it's settled she can't go to the big apple, not that Brittany would even care enough to try and find her anyways.
Finally she puts the car in reverse, backs out of the driveway and starts to drive away. Sadness flows through her, and she doesn't even try to stop the tears, because she's alone and it doesn't matter if she lets her façade down. In her heart she knows this is for the best, this is the only way she will have a chance to find happiness.
As she passes Brittany's house more tears fall, she lets out a shaky breath and mumbles, 'Brittany's made her choice. And this is me making mine.' With that she pulls onto the highway and heads for the place that will be her chance to start over, her chance to put the girl she loves behind her.
As she starts the long drive to nowhere she can't help but wonder if Brittany ever even loved her. She ponders the question for hours as she continues to drive. She replays everything in her head, every memory, every conversation, every time she said 'I love you.' She thinks of how she is always second choice, first to Artie and now to Sam. It breaks her heart.
It hurts thinking of Brittany, but it hurts even worse coming to the conclusion that she'd just been kidding herself all along; because if there's one thing Santana is sure of, and it's that Brittany didn't ever really love her at all.