Title: The Logical Choice
Author: Chocolatequeen
Rating: G/PG
Spoilers: None past The Council (This was started before Countdown.)
Summary: A sequel to Clarity of Heart. Archer and T'Pol repair their friendship and turn it into something more.
Chapter 1: Comfort Zone
"Captain's personal log, March 16, 2154:
"The last few weeks have been difficult, to put it mildly. Putting my crew in danger has been a part of this mission from the start, but I never got used to it. Watching Hoshi disappear right before my eyes, and then knowing that to save Earth I would actually have to work against her, that was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
"I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been able to depend on T'Pol. We've been talking again, and even though I'm supposed to be helping her deal with her emotions, it was her steadiness that pulled me through this. Right after Hoshi was kidnapped…"
"Cap'n, should we go back and pick up the shuttle?" Trip asked.
"Hmm? Oh, yes. Let them know we're on our way. I'm going to go to the shuttle bay and wait for them."
Trusting that his orders would be followed, Jon walked off the bridge in a daze, leaving behind a war-weary crew. This was not the first time one of their own had disappeared before; the Suliban had taken the captain more than once. But at those times, they'd been able to rely on the calm strength of their Vulcan 1st officer. This time they were being left on their own.
Meanwhile, the small crew of the shuttle was completely unaware of what had happened while they were gone. Instead, they were dealing with their own loss, and trying to reconcile all they had seen in the last year with what they had expected when they had come on board Enterprise for the first time. It wasn't an easy task, to put it simply life was not the same as it had been a year ago, for any of them.
The interesting thing about tragedy is that it can either pull people together or tear them apart, depending on how they deal with it. Some members of the Enterprise crew had chosen to lean on their friends as they dealt with their loss, and as a result they were more able to accept the continued cost the mission was handing them. Others however had separated themselves away from those around them, trying to manage everything on their own. Those people were fast discovering how frail the human spirit can be when it doesn't have something or someone to cling to.
And still another member of the crew was just starting to turn to a friend after isolating himself for nine months. That was why he was waiting for the shuttle to return—he knew he could not handle the latest curve ball thrown his way without her support.
Each member of the away team had a different thought on their mind as they stepped into the safety of the ship, different concepts of success and failure based on the standards they had set up. Therefore, each of them had a different reaction when they saw their captain standing there, as he if was waiting for a report.
"How did you do?" Jon asked, knowing it was the expected question.
"We lost Hawkins," Malcolm said stonily, still angry at yet another life that the Xindi had taken.
"Did you get any information at all?"
"I believe so Captain," T'Pol answered, her equipment in hand. "It will take some time to analyze, but this should give us a better understanding of the way they work."
"I'm afraid that part of the mission is going to have to take a back seat for now," he told them. "The insectoids and reptilians stole the weapon while you were gone."
"I believe they need a third launch code to fire it," T'Pol informed him.
"Yes, they do. And to that end, they kidnapped Hoshi. My guess is they'll force her to translate one of the three remaining codes."
"Is there anything we can do Sir?" Travis asked.
"Get some rest. We're all going to need to be our peak tomorrow if we want to get her back in time," Jon said by way of dismissal.
"Aye sir."
"T'Pol, could you walk with me please?" he requested, leading the way out of the hangar.
"Was there something else you needed Captain?" she inquired, matching her pace with his.
"I am so tired of losing crew members," he said in a low voice as they got in the lift.
"That is only understandable. It would be more disturbing if it stopped bothering you, if you became accustomed to it."
"That's just it, I am growing accustomed to it. I almost expect it now, it's like I wake up every morning and wonder who's going to die today!" he exclaimed, his frustration boiling over.
"That is illogical Captain," she reprimanded lightly, knowing he did not need a lecture right now.
Jon started to answer, but the lift doors opened, revealing two junior crewmen standing in the corridor. Choosing instead to wait until they were in the privacy of his quarters, his emotions were stretched the breaking point by the time he was able to speak.
"I know that!" he told her then, shoving his hands through his hair. "I can look back at the last nine months and see the victories, on a good day. But on a day like today, all I can see is the faces I've added to the seven million killed by the initial probe.
"Damnit T'Pol!" he huffed, pacing his the floor while she watched calmly from the sidelines. "Hoshi was my friend! I am so sick of losing friends!"
"Captain, you need to calm yourself. Sit down and take a deep breath. Stop focusing on what might happen and focus on what you know. Form a plan based on that," T'Pol counseled.
"And she was right," he said, continuing with his log entry. "After talking with her, I was able to create a strategy that allowed us to save Hoshi and Earth. I didn't have to sacrifice one for the other.
"A few days later, I was in a position to return the favor. Tensions on the ship were running high, and we were working 12 hours shifts, racing against the clock to stop the weapon. T'Pol didn't have enough time to meditate and center down at the end of the day, or before coming on shift. Finally, it almost got to be too much for her…"
"That's not the way to do it!" T'Pol exclaimed, nearly pushing Trip away from her station when he tried to adjust his recent repairs.
"Well if you think you know better…" he started to respond, wanting to lash out at her for being so irrational.
"Trip, finish your repairs," Archer interrupted before the situation could get out of hand. "T'Pol, would you join me in my ready room please?" he requested, leaving the bridge.
Her lips compressed in a thin line, she complied with his order, not expressing her displeasure until the door shut behind them. "You have made me look like a fool, Captain," she told him once they were alone. "Now the entire bridge crew will think I do not know how to take care of my station. They will think you trust Commander Tucker more than you do me."
Jon sighed, knowing where this was coming from. "T'Pol," he said quietly, "I just saved you from an emotional breakdown in front of the crew."
Her head snapped back in anger. "I was under control," she argued.
"Like hell you were!" he told her bluntly. "You were yelling at Trip for doing his job."
"I see. Perhaps it would be best if you made him your first officer, since I obviously am not good enough for you," she sneered, turning toward the door.
"I haven't dismissed you yet Sub-commander," he said harshly.
She stopped before opening the door, but did not turn back. "I apologize Captain, I was under the impression that my humiliation was your intent. Was there anything else you wished to say to me?" she asked snidely.
"T'Pol, knock it off," he ordered, pacing the deck in front of his desk. "You know I didn't call you in here to humiliate you. Think about it… be logical," he implored, staring at her.
Some of the constriction around his heart eased when he saw her eyes clear slightly. He watched as she lowered her gaze, clearly ashamed by her behavior. "I am truly sorry Captain," she said stiffly. "I have not found to meditate lately, clearly that was a mistake."
"T'Pol," he said gently, waiting to continue until she looked him in the eye, "I'm not reprimanding you. I just wanted to give you a moment to collect yourself. I know you wouldn't have wanted to explode in front of the crew."
"You are correct," she admitted. "Thank you for your… understanding." The words came hard to her, even after three years with humans and several months of living with their emotions, she still hadn't learned the art of a thank you.
She was trying though, and that was all that mattered to Archer. "You're welcome," he told her with a smile. "Besides," he added with a touch of humor, "I'm not sure we could handle seeing your Vulcan calm break."
When he saw that she didn't understand his last comment, he tried to explain. "You don't see how much your ability to remain clear-headed keeps us all grounded. We may feel like the world is falling apart all around us, but if you're still standing there, with that unflappable expression, we feel like we have a touchstone to cling to. I can't tell you how many times I personally have needed the strength you provide on the bridge"
He meant it as a compliment, thinking he was telling her how much she had come to mean to the crew as a whole, and to him in particular. However, she heard something different. "I see," she replied, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. "Perhaps it would be best if I gave my station to someone else for now and worked elsewhere, since I cannot guarantee my emotions will be stable. I would not want to damage the crew's ability to work simply because I cannot remain calm."
Appalled that she had so grossly misunderstood what he'd said, he rushed to explain. "No no, that's not what I meant. First of all, you are still the best science officer aboard this ship, and probably aboard any Star Fleet vessel. There is no one on Enterprise who could do your job as well as you do, and I need your expertise and advice on the bridge. Secondly, you may not feel like it, but even with your reserve weakened you are still far less volatile than most humans. I would just like to help you regain your control, if you would let me?" he requested.
She hesitated, pondering his offer. Her attempts thus far to meditate these feelings away had not succeeded, and at the moment there was no time for meditation. She had always found the presence of the captain to be soothing, perhaps that would be of some help. "I would appreciate any help you could provide," she agreed.
"All right then, why don't we eat dinner together tonight and talk," he suggested.
"Talk?" she asked dubiously, unsure how that could help. If you externalized emotions and thoughts, didn't that make them more real and more difficult to suppress?
"Yes, talk," he said adamantly. "T'Pol, if you're going to live with emotions, there's one thing you've got to learn: Once they're there, they don't just go away. You can't suppress them, you have to deal with them. One thing humans do is to sit down and talk about their day. It helps you work through any feelings you might have about what happened, before they have time to grow into something more."
"I suppose there is some logic to that," she said, still somewhat doubtful.
"Such a ringing endorsement," he teased. "Tell you what, let's try this tonight. You tell me if it helps any, and we can go from there."
"That is an acceptable idea," she said.
"Good, tonight it is then. Now let's get back to work, everyone is probably wondering where we disappeared to."
"That would be illogical Captain," she told him, taking the statement at face value. "However, they are probably curious as to why we have not returned."
"That was two weeks ago," he mused, thinking over what had happened in the interim time. "Since then… I think we have our friendship back. The old camaraderie and trust that disappeared when we entered the Expanse seems to be returning… I just hope we can build on that."