"Edward! Edward damn it time to get up!" yelled a voice that I knew all too well. I sat up, my bronze hair falling into my golden eyes as I stretched thinking about Bella. I wished fervently that I had not said those cruel things to her for the millionth time that year. I kept tabs on her, especially because of Jacob Black. I smelled what he was, knew what he was from the start even if he didn't yet. I missed her terribly as I watched Emmett walk out of my room. It hurt to be away from her, I had meant it when I said she was my own personal drug, my type of heroin. Now I was going through withdrawals that was making me useless to Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. I could not bear to be without her my entire life but I was committed to what had had to be done for her safety no matter how much it was killing my already dead heart and soul. I flopped down on the bed with a groan, wondering what she was doing right then but that was a mistake as so many images flooded my head.
I saw Bella giggling as I held her in my arms, our lips touching gently over and over again. She had brought me out of the darkness, out of my proverbial cage the moment that I had met her and let her into my life. She made me want to be a better man, to be the man that she needed. Then I saw her face when I had told her that I was no longer in love with her. I could just lie there and imagine the pain that must have caused her. I saw myself running away from her and watched her in my mind running into Jacob Black's arms, the two of them laughing after he stopped her tears. I felt my stomach churn as I watched her touching his chest, watched him slide his hands up her sides to remove her shirt and knowing that there was nothing that I could do to stop them. I knew it was all in my head but I saw them embracing, their lips touching and I felt anger course through my veins as I punched the bed.
I opened my eyes to make it all go away but the room was churning with fantasies of every kind as they danced and laughed and made love and so much more, laughing at my pain. It was killing me, these horrible fantasies, the sick lullabies, the alibis that were not real. I knew I was jealous, it had to be jealousy that Jacob got to hold my Bella and be around my Bella when I could not. It was at that time that I wished with all my dead heart that I was human, that I was not a threat to Bella so that it would be me in her arms doing the things in these fantasies with her instead of her being with that damned werewolf.
I went for a walk through the woods near where we were living by myself, hoping that maybe that would somehow help the things that I was seeing. Once again I saw her beautiful brown eyes, heard her melodious voice, felt the taste of her lips against mine once again and fell in love with her all over again as I sat down to think about her under a large tree. Big mistake. I saw Jacob holding her once again, the two of them ripping one another's clothing off, pressing hard against one another, clinging to each other for dear life as though they were all one another had left. I snapped my eyes open with a loud growl punching the tree and leaving a hole through it as I got up and stalked off into the woods to clear my head.
Everywhere that I looked I saw it and it was starting to become too much, it was killing me inside. How could she do that to me? I asked myself reminding myself that it wasn't real, it was a sick fantasy that made me so angry that I could rip Jacob Black apart. I cursed my jealousy softly as I headed back home, opening my eyes and telling myself that these fantasies were the price that I had to pay for the heartache that I had caused my precious Bella when I had left her and there was nothing that I could do to take it all back as I walked past everyone and back into my bedroom with a slam of my bedroom door. Flopping down on the bed I sighed and closed my eyes wishing that things were different yet again as I closed my eyes willing myself to see something, anything else.
As I lay there I rolled onto my side, softly praying that I would never do anything to hurt Jacob so long as I never saw him do these things to my Bella. I punched the bed again seeing everything again and again as night fell at last.