So this is my first OITNB fic.

I really hope that you enjoy it and I'd really appreciate any thoughts so please leave a review if you have a moment!

Enjoy

MBRB'xoxo

Sometimes the things you want are hard to take

Sometimes the ones you love are risks you don't make

[…]

And I was gonna tell you I wish all our wrongs could be right

I'm too late

I looked in my rearview and now I don't see you.

Anastacia - Rearview.

You're alone. The walls were closing in. You can't see them moving but you know that they are. Isn't the bed just a little bit closer? The vent a little bit nearer? You're sure that if you wait long enough, you'll see something shifting. If you just sit here for long enough.

And if there's one thing you have, it's time.

You don't know how long you've been here. Too long. Not long enough. Whenever the thought crosses your mind that you have to be released soon, the mangled face of Pennsatucky flashes before you. Hit after hit after hit after hit. Her blood splashing over the freshly fallen snow. The dress she had been so proud of becoming stained and damaged. Sometimes you view the memory with distain and sometimes the satisfaction you felt fills you again.

It can't be undone now.

All you can do is sit out your time in SHU and thank Jesus – Mr. Christ – that you weren't sent to Psych. You frequently think of what Suzanne said about Psych and it sends a shiver down your spine. You can barely scrape your sanity together here, let alone there.

The voices that you heard through the vent your first time in SHU haven't returned. At least you don't remember if they have. You speak to yourself often and there is always the hope that you'll get a reply but it never comes and you wonder if someone was ever there at all. The thought that even your constructs have abandoned you is one that you try not to dwell on but appears on the edges of your mind more often than you care to admit.

But you know someone that won't abandon you. The person that you long to see and to speak to. You're sure that she'll be waiting for you and it gets you through the days, weeks, months – who knows – that you imagine are passing around you.

Sure, you know what she said. Her words are branded into your brain and feel as if they're on repeat.

"You may not come running to me. Not with your problems. Not with your love. Not with your need or sadness or even your laundry when it's not specifically your laundry day. You may never come to me again. Ever."

You know that she meant it but you're sure that Alex would have changed her mind by now. Although not exactly sure of how long you've been here, you know that it must have been more than a couple of weeks. You'd place a bet on two months at least if you had anything to bet with. You've seen the reaction to those that have returned from SHU after a long period; the sympathy, the concern, the worry. They come back fragile and shadowy and everything is done to return them to the person that they were before, to help them cope with being back where they belong. You know that you're going to be one of those broken things and you pray that you'll be restored. You're sure that being away would have eased her anger. It is her that you've thought about as the hours passed by, not Larry. You know that you'd made the wrong decision and you're determined to fix it as soon as you're allowed to. You've made plan upon plan and the first thing to do is to break it off with Larry. You'd been fooling yourself into thinking that what you wanted was what your mother wanted you to have. That the stability and picket fence Larry provided was the dream that you'd been chasing but you know now. All you want is adventure. All you want is her.

She'd seemed so cold as she walked away but you know that what you had was different. With such a long history, you're both planted firmly in the others heart and you're sure that she's been worried. You know that you've been worried about her. Is she okay? Has anything happened to her? Is she eating, laughing, reading? You know that your worries are probably all for nothing. If there is a person that you know inside and out, it's Alex and you know that she can take care of herself better than any other human being alive. That's one of the things you love about her. And she loved taking care of you. You imagine her arms around you as she sees you again, the warmth seeping in and thawing the chill that has settled firmly around you. You can almost feel them now as you stare aimlessly at the grey walls.

Almost.

x-x-x

Paris. 3 Months Before You Left Her.

You're pissed. Not only pissed at her but you've drank way more than you know you can take and you've been poured into a taxi by a guy who decided you're too much responsibility for tonight. You've told the taxi driver your address as best as you can remember it and you're watching the passing buildings with blurred eyes.

Fuck her.

Fuck her and her job and her ignoring you and her.

You can still feel your blood boiling at the thought of her brushing your hand away from her shoulder. All you'd wanted to do was spend time with her but yet again, she'd been 'busy'. She'd given you a wad of money and a kiss and told you to enjoy yourself. She'd told you she'd join you later if you let her know where you were. You'd told her to fuck herself. Said that you'd had it with being in a relationship and still feeling so alone.

She'd told you to fuck yourself right back. That everything she did was for you both. That she'd tried so hard to give you everything you wanted and make you happy and that you were a spoiled brat. That you'd never understand the things that she'd done for you, the risks she'd taken just to remain with you. She'd said that you were everything to her and she hated you for it.

You'd thrown her money right back at her and gone to get your coat. She'd told you that she was sick of it and to not come back. You didn't intend to.

But when you'd found your way to a bar, you'd found the money back in your purse and knew that she'd slipped it in there in the moments you'd left the room. It had made you smile through your anger.

And yet you'd still tried to drink away your annoyance and here you were, heading back to the apartment with a spinning head and eyes that refused to focus. You don't know how you managed to get the key in the door but she was there holding you up and smoothing down your hair. She'd given you water, held your hair, put you to bed, rubbed your back.

Through her anger she had been there for you.

She always was in the end.

x-x-x

You knew that your relationship with Alex was tumultuous. It always had been. You never knew when the final straw would come and the camels back would be broken but you'd learnt by now that no matter how many threats you slung at each other, you'd always be there for each other. Even after over 8 years of being separated, you'd found each other again. You'd said it before; you were inevitable. Alex had always said that her main propriety was your well being and you were sure that seeing you come out of SHU would make her want to care for you. Sure, she'd said that you weren't to come to her anymore but things had changed since then. Months in SHU had changed things. You knew they had.

A lock scraped.

A face appeared.

"Chapman. Up. You're moving"

After so long, it's weird for you to make your way down the corridors and out into the fresh air. It's warmer outside and the remnants of winter have long been swept away by Spring. Time has moved on without you.

Litchfield, however, feels the same. You see familiar faces staring back at you with shock as you are guided through the hallways. Murmurs and whispers chase you and you're sure that they will be your shadow for weeks to come. You don't mind. Let them talk.

You're let free quicker than you think. There is no welcome back from Caputo, no update on the happenings of the prison. You're thrown back into life as if you'd never been away but you're painfully aware of the subtle differences around you. There are people here that you've never seen and you hear the ghosts of rumours being whispered. It isn't until you make your way to the bathrooms for a shower where you're not cuffed that you come across someone you really know. Nicky stands in front of you and you're sure that she hasn't touched a hairbrush since you left.

"Shit. Chapman." Her face shows her shock to see you and you wonder if you should be worried at the absence of a smile. Time stretches between you and you wait for her to say something else. Anything else.

"What the fuck are you doing back?" Her face is still pure shock and she hasn't moved since she clapped eyes on you.

"They let me out" is all you reply and you can hear your voice strain from lack of use.

"Does Alex know?" You wonder why her first thought is Alex. You almost smile at the name being spoken. You take it to mean that Alex has been worried, that she's been waiting for you to come back. That Alex and Piper are names that still fit together, that they're a duo.

"No". Nicky looks at you almost blankly and doesn't say anything for a while.

"Shit" And then she's gone, leaving you to wonder what the hell just happened. You decide to take your shower and relish being able to use two hands to wash yourself, to wash away SHU and the loneliness. You only leave the stall when the water had ran cold and you're shivering. The first thing you notice is Alex. She's stood leant against the sinks, arms crossed over her and her hair falling over her face. She looks up at the sound of you and your eyes meet for the first time in what your sure was forever.

"Piper". Your name escapes her lips and your pretty sure they you're going to cry. You don't.

"Alex" you breathe. With your towel around you, you step forward and wrap your arms around her. Your head is on her shoulder and you can smell the prison shampoo in her hair, the smell of her that is so distinctly Alex. A smile is creeping onto your face that feels so horribly alien to you now but you know that now she's here –

Her arms are on your shoulders and she's pushing you away. It takes a second to compute. What?

"Piper, what're you doing?" she asks. You look at her blankly.

"I've missed you so much". You don't see a smile on her face. You see a chill behind her eyes. You don't like it and your heart skips a beat.

"Nothing's changed, Pipes" and you're pretty sure that you hear your heart crack. "Nicky came to tell me that you were back and you looked like shit. I came to see that you were okay but…things haven't changed since you've been away. I stand by what I said". You look at her with wide eyes, not understanding. This wasn't supposed to happen.

"But it's been so long, Alex. I've missed you so much. I love you". You hear your voice break and you know that she does too. She pauses and looks like she's deciding what to say.

"I can't do it, Piper. You pick me up and you put me down and I can't do that. You know how I feel – felt – about you, but you've hurt me so many fucking times. I can't sit and wait for you like a book on a fucking shelf that's just waiting for you to have the time to read it. You've picked me up and dropped me so many times I don't even know which way is up any more and I can't do it again. I waited for so fucking long for you to come out of SHU and I was sure that as soon as I saw you I'd change my mind but… I haven't". Her eye brows crease together and you can't help but see her on the day her mum died, begging you not to leave her. Except this time it's you who want to plead with her to stay. It's you who is being abandoned when you need her the most and the cruel irony hits you. Coldness washes over you at the realisation that she's serious. She means it. She's leaving.

"I pick you. I want you, Al-" you begin to say but she holds up and hand and lets out a small laugh. You think you hear a note of sadness in it.

"You don't pick me, Pipes. You need someone and I'm the one that is here, but you don't have a choice anymore. I'm not an option. I pick me. I pick being able to move on and let you go. I choose to cut my loses and get away from this endless carousel. I'm getting off." Silence falls between you both and you don't know what to say. This isn't what you'd planned. By now you should be in her arms, not seeing her fall a million miles away from you. You can feel your eyes filling but you're determined not to let them fall. Not this time.

"I swear Alex" her shaking her head tells you that it's useless. "Please don't leave me". A faint smile slips over her lips for a second and she steps towards you. Her hand cups your face and a thumb grazes lightly over your cheek. You want to lean in to her touch but you know that you can't. You don't know what to do anymore.

"Those fucking words, hey Kid? Did it hurt as much to hear them from me?" You want to tell her that it damn near killed you but she doesn't allow for an answer. "I thought that you were inevitable too for a while, you know. I guess even inevitable isn't guaranteed anymore". She lets out a small sad laugh and drops her hand from your face which you instantly miss.

She moves past you and out of the shower room leaving you feeling more alone then you'd ever felt in SHU and you finally realise that this time she's not going to be there for you. She's not going to hold your hand and help you sort your mess out. You're going to have to pull yourself through this by yourself and it hurts so fucking much.

Panic washes over you. You're alone. You're so alone. And as you stand alone in the shower room, you're sure that the walls are closing in on you. You can't see them but you're sure that they are.

And you have so much fucking time.

Fin.