A/N: This story takes place after Dying Changes Everything or in other words the season 5 pilot. I realize this isn't what happened, but wouldn't it be cool if it did?

House was sitting in his office, one hand on his bitching flame-adorned cane, and his legs propped up on his desk. He was thinking about what Wilson had said. We're not friends anymore, House. I'm not sure we ever were. How could he have said that? Wilson obviously knew House cared about him, why else would he stoop so low as apologizing? It just wasn't the Gregory House way. Why didn't Wilson realize that?

There were other things, too. Amber was never the reason I was leaving. I didn't want to tell you because, because… I was trying like I always do to protect you. Which is the problem. You spread misery because you can't feel anything else. You manipulate people because you can't handle any kind of real relationship. And I've enabled it! For years, the games, the binges, the middle of the night phone calls…"

He drummed his fingers anxiously on his cane, staring at nothing in particular. On some level he realized that Wilson was right, and that was what pained him the most. He was cruel, and controlling, to everyone. He had been so horrible that he had driven away his best and only friend. All the while House had mistaken it for an admirable stoicism. But it had gone too far. Never had he thought this would happen. Wilson was the once constant in his life, the one person he could depend on to always be there. He had never actually realized how important his friend was to him until he was gone. Until it was too late.

The pain in his leg had worsened. It always did in times of extreme emotional turmoil, the worst periods of misery. He had forgotten how many Vicodin pills he had taken, but he shoved another couple in his mouth and chewed greedily. House wasn't sure if it was to get rid of the pain in his leg, or in his heart. Maybe a little of both.

As he was doing this, Cuddy walked into the room with visible anger. "What did you say to Wilson?"

House averted his gaze to the ground. "I told him I needed him to stay, that I was sorry Amber died. That I felt like it was my fault. He might as well have told me to go to hell."

"Well I'm not letting this go on for any longer. It's time I take serious measures. You guys were best friends, for God's sakes!"

House returned his gaze to his boss's eyes. "I'm not sure we ever were. That's what he said."

"House they will be plenty of time to make that's what he said jokes later! Wait… Wilson said that? That's horrible! Which is why I have signed you both up for couples counseling. The thing is… they don't do counseling for friends so…"

"So you want me and Wilson to pretend we're a gay couple in order to get counseling for our tattered friendship." There was almost tangible sarcasm in his voice.

Cuddy smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

"Sure, I could be up for that." This time there was no sarcasm, just a strange sincerity that astounded Lisa Cuddy into uncharacteristic quiet.

Wilson was waiting outside the counselor's office waiting for House. He scolded himself, wondering why he ever thought his old friend would actually show up. The man would never do anything that might even slightly damage his reputation. But this, this was absolute degradation. There was no lower rung on the ladder of social blunders. But if it would actually work, if it would actually help House, then he would do anything. The man was miserable 24/7, and if he could fix that, it would mean more than being a doctor ever had to him.

That was how he ended up here. Now it had became apparent that House wasn't coming. He was probably laughing it up somewhere all by himself at how he had made Wilson suffer. It was the kind of egocentric bastard he was…

House walked- or limped, rather- into through the door with a wide smile. "Hey honey! How was your day?"

Wilson was quick to come to the conclusion that this was far more embarrassing than his ex-best friend standing him up. He felt the eyes of the receptionist and the handful of other people in the waiting room fixate on them. "Just great, babe. I got to look forward to seeing your self-absorbed jackass self all day. That definitely lightened the mood."

House took a seat next to Wilson and whispered into his ear. "Wow good job! With that bit of acting everyone should be sure we're a troubled couple! By the way our back-story is we've been dating seven years and living together for six. Sound good?"

"Fine, whatever. I still meant what I said about you being a jackass." Wilson looked at the faces of a middle-aged husband and wife that were sitting across from them. He could only imagine what the couple thought they were whispering about.

The counselor stepped out of her office and said "Greg and James?" When House smiled and got up with some difficulty she continued. "So nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Milton. Why don't you come in?"

"Why don't you just shoot me?" Wilson said under his breath in House's direction.

"Because I love you too much," House said with his hand clutched against his chest in mock ardor.

They sat down at on a comfortable leather couch as Dr. Milton took a seat in front of them. "How long have you two been together then?"

House replied after a small pause. "Seven years."

Wilson rolled his eyes in his usual I-have-better-things-to-be-doing way. "Living together for six."

"Wow that's a long time," Dr. Milton said, trying to accentuate the positive. "And why have you come to me today?"

"I'm busy on Fridays, so I figured Thursdays were the next best thing," House answered.

"This is why. He's sarcastic, miserable, never takes anything seriously! All he does is crack jokes instead of talking about anything real!"

"How do you feel about what he said, Greg? Is it true?"

"Jimmy's probably right. But hey, what can I say? That's who I am."

Of course. House wouldn't take it seriously. Why did he even bother? What possible benefit could it be for "Greg" to show up? Or did he just want to poke holes in wounds that were already existing? The "Jimmy" was enough to make him want to punch his supposed friend.

The counselor jotted down some notes on a clipboard. "How do you feel about Jimmy, Greg? Are you happy with your relationship?"

"Those are two different questions. Not related at all. See I love Jimmy, but he's upset and wants to leave because "All I do is spread misery." So to your second question, no I'm not really happy with the relationship."

Wilson hadn't been expecting this. Behind all that sarcasm and false homosexuality was there actually a bit of sincerity there? Was this maybe the genuine House? Nah…

"Jimmy, do you think he spreads misery?"

"Yes I do believe that was a direct quote. 'Greggie' has been miserable for years and takes everyone down with him."

More notes. "Well, what are some good things about Greg?"

"He's a good doctor. A brilliant one." Silence. "He makes me laugh, I guess. Deep, deep, deep, deep down somewhere he's actually a pretty good guy. If only anyone got to see that."

It was just like that and it was out in the open. Wilson had never meant to say anything like that. House would never let him live down the "good guy" thing. I should have never come here. This was a stupid idea.

"And how about you Greg?" Dr. Milton asked. "What are some good things about Jimmy?"
Wilson put a hand through his hair in frustration. "Please call me James."

"Oh mostly his kind loving soul," House said with an expression of sarcasm only the truly guarded can muster up. "But he is pretty cute too…"

Wilson looked back and forth, focusing his gaze anywhere but on 'Greg'. Had he actually believed that he was seeing the real House? And where did he get the idea that this might actually help? All this time he had been hoping that his friend would come around, but instead he was caught in the same old problems, never solving anything. Everything was just like old times.

A/N: I hope you liked it! It was lots of fun to write, but right now I feel a bit like giving up on writing, so if you want me to continue this you're going to have to tell me. I'm well aware that parts of it are stupid, but I find this rather funny. If you don't I'm sorry. Thanks for reading!