Pairing: CJ/Toby
Summary: "Okay, CJ," Josh said. "Have you and Toby ever. you know?"
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me.
Spoilers: None.
Archive: Just tell me where, please.
Feedback: I'd be happy to receive anything. Good and bad. jee__sun@hotmail.com
Thanks to: Lisa Martin for beta this one and for telling me how to become a better writer. =)
* * * * *
On her way home CJ passed the Roosevelt Room. She noticed that it wasn't empty even though it was past eleven o'clock. She entered the room and looked at the people inside it.
"Hey, what are you still doing here?"
Josh, Sam and Toby looked at her and then at each other. No one answered.
"I don't know if you heard me, but I asked a question." CJ started to smile.
"If I had an answer for you, I'd tell you." Toby murmured.
CJ sat down next to Toby and looked at Josh and Sam across the table. She studied the three men's faces. They all looked very tired, as if they had lost something important.
"I think you should go home. You look exhausted."
"That's the thing," Josh said loudly. "We should go home and get some sleep. Something tells me I should be here, though. I mean, doing something. Preparing for a meeting or waiting for a disaster, you know?"
CJ looked sceptically at him and then noticed that Sam nodded.
"Did something happen today?" she asked.
"No, not really." Sam said. "I guess, we're just having one of those nights where you realize that sometimes you work damn hard for no reason."
It was quiet for a while. CJ kept looking at them.
"You should go home." Toby said and looked at her.
"Why? Can't I sit here with you guys and be disappointed over my life?"
"Are you?" Sam asked and looked closely at her. "Are you disappointed with your life?"
CJ smiled and then shook her head.
"Sam, I love my work! And I'm fortunate to work with people that are my friends and who I care deeply for. It's just that, sometimes when I'm thinking of what I have given up." She stopped talking.
Josh and Sam looked expectantly at her. She had caught their attention now.
"What?" Josh had to ask after a moment of silence. "What have you given up, CJ?"
"Nothing in particular." CJ sighed. "But when I was young I thought that I'd be married now with lots of kids."
"I didn't know you wanted the whole family-thing." Toby said.
"I don't." CJ paused. "Or at least I don't think so." Then she started to laugh. "Look what kind of mood you guys have gotten me into now."
"I told you to go home." Toby murmured.
"I can actually relate to what you said, CJ," Sam stated. "I mean with the family-thing. Sure, it'd be easier for me to have children than you, but I think it's one's obligation as a father to spend time with one's children, and I certainly don't have any to spare. With my work schedule I don't even have time to date."
CJ smiled at him, and took his hand over the table. He smiled back. They understood each other well on that topic. They didn't think either Josh or Toby were too interested in family life, even though Toby had been married.
"What time is it?" Josh asked.
"Almost twelve," Toby replied.
"What are we doing here?" Josh said and threw his arms out wide. "We really should get home. After all, we have to be back here in seven hours."
Everyone looked at him, expecting him to rise and leave, but he stayed put.
"Josh, you know you haven't left, right?" Toby said.
"Yeah, yeah." Josh said quietly, as if he were on a different planet. "Maybe I'll crash on someone's couch."
It was quiet again. Even if these four colleagues didn't mention it to each other, they enjoyed each other's company. They liked just to sit together and think of whatever crossed their minds. In a weird way that none of them could explain, it felt safe.
"Hey, who's up for a bit of 'Truth Or Dare'?" CJ suddenly asked.
The guys looked at her and grinned.
"Sure, why not," Josh said.
"I'm in," Sam said. "Toby?"
"We're not teenagers," Toby murmured, and smiled a bit patronisingly.
"So, you don't want to play?" CJ asked. Toby shook his head. "Then I'm going to have to ask you to leave this room."
"What?" Toby asked.
"She's right, Toby," Josh filled in. "You can't hear all of our secrets if you're not going to share."
"Sure, then I'll go to my office and finish a memo."
Toby rose and left the room, closing the door behind him.
* * * * *
"Okay, who's starting?" CJ asked, grinning.
"I'll go," Sam said. "Josh, truth or dare?"
"Truth."
"Coward," CJ murmured. Josh glared at her, and she smiled back at him.
"What's up with you and Donna?" Sam asked, as he looked at Josh.
CJ also looked at Josh, and smiled. This was something she always had wondered about, but she had never gotten any real answers before.
"Oh come on!" Josh yelled. "Have you two grouped together on this one?"
"More likely the entire West Wing." Sam said, and smiled at CJ.
Josh was quiet for a while and looked at them both. Then he took a deep breath.
"Honestly, there's nothing going on between me and Donna. I know that you all think there is, but we're just friends. She's like a sister to me, like a person I have to take care of. That's the truth."
CJ and Sam looked at Josh and then at each other. There was no doubt that this was the truth. He had said it so sincerely, and they could see it in his eyes.
"Do you see your sister who died in Donna?" CJ asked carefully.
Josh nodded.
"Sometimes, yeah." He looked down at the table.
"I'm sorry," CJ reached out to take his hand.
"No, it's okay," he said, and smiled at her before squeezing her hand. "So, now you know the truth. But it is amusing that everyone thinks we're going to end up together, plus it gives them something to gossip about. So, who's next? CJ, truth or dare?"
"Um. truth," CJ said after a few seconds of thinking.
"What? Who's the coward now?" Josh asked, and grinned. "Let's see, what am I going to ask the beautiful Ms. Cregg?"
It was quiet for a while and CJ looked relieved.
"See, I don't have an interesting life." She grinned and threw up her hands.
"Ah, I know!" Sam said and reached out to whisper something in Josh's ear.
"Hey, that's cheating!" CJ yelled.
Sam relaxed back in his chair as Josh started to grin.
"What?" CJ asked with a suspicious face.
Josh looked at Sam, they grinned widely, and then they looked at her.
"Okay, CJ," Josh said. "Have you and Toby ever. you know?"
CJ froze at the question. How could she not have seen that coming? She felt stupid now for suggesting 'Truth Or Dare.' It was too late to lie now, because they had already seen her freeze at the question and they were looking at her with huge smiles o their faces.
"I knew it!" Sam said with a proud smile.
"So, are you going to tell us?" Josh asked.
"Okay." CJ muttered. "But nothing of what I'm going to tell you is leaving this room, okay?"
She looked closely at Josh and Sam, both of whom tried to look serious and nod.
"Okay. When Toby and I met, I guess I was about 24 and he was maybe 27. He had just been fired from a campaign in California. I was still going to school then and I worked part-time at a bar. One night he entered the bar and sat down by the counter. Since there hardly were any other people present, we started to talk. Anyway, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed."
She was quiet for a moment, looking towards the office door that she faced. She froze when she noticed Toby standing there, and the door slightly ajar. When he saw that he had been seen, he quickly turned around and walked away. Josh and Sam had seen the whole thing.
"Will you excuse me for a while?" CJ said and rose.
When she had left the room, Josh looked at Sam.
"Toby and CJ?" he said in a disbelieving tone. "That's just really weird."
"Oh, come on, Josh! How could you have missed it? It's as obvious as you and Donna! Or I mean, as other people think of you and Donna."
"No, it's not. I haven't heard one person in the West Wing say anything about Toby and CJ."
"Okay, so maybe it isn't that obvious, but I have noticed stuff. You know, she's almost the only one he apologizes to; he tells her she's beautiful.you know, small things."
"How could you not tell me?"
"Ah, well, you'll get over it. So, shall we continue?"
"Nah, lets wait for CJ."
* * * * *
CJ knocked lightly on the door to Toby's office. She didn't wait for an answer before entering. Toby sat by his desk with his back turned to the door. CJ quietly sat down in a couch. She knew it wasn't a good idea to start talking since he would just interrupt her. Instead, she waited for him. A couple of minutes later he slowly turned his chair around.
"CJ, I thought we agreed on not telling anyone ever about that," he said quietly.
"Then I broke that promise years ago. I told my friends Anne and Denise the day after." She joked in an attempt to relieve tension.
"You know what I mean, CJ," Toby said as he rose, walked around his desk, and leaned against it. "When I brought you on the campaign we agreed to never mention it again."
"I'm sorry, Toby, but I couldn't lie. Plus, when Josh asked me the question they already knew the answer just by taking one look at my face. I really am sorry, Toby, but I don't understand why it's bothering you so much. Is it something you regret or are ashamed of?"
Toby walked over to the couches and sat down on the one CJ wasn't on.
"CJ, I don't regret it. I'm not ashamed over it. It's just that. work is work and personal is personal."
She looked at him. She knew he lied, and he probably knew that she knew. But, it was nothing she wanted to take up with him now.
"Okay." CJ rose and walked over to the door.
Before she opened it, she turned around.
"You know, I didn't tell them everything."
"Good."
CJ opened the door, and left.
* * * * *
CJ slowly walked back to the Roosevelt Room. She thought of old times, months she hadn't let herself think of till now. She opened the door to the Roosevelt Room and stuck her head in.
"Um, guys, we'll have to continue playing some other night. I'm heading home." With that, she closed the door.
Josh and Sam looked at each other.
"You don't think.?" Sam began.
They looked at each other for one more second before running to Toby's office. They saw him through the windows. He was sitting by his desk, looking at his computer.
"Man, I thought that they were going home together," Sam said.
"Yeah, I understood that part," Josh said sarcastically. "Something fishy is going on here. Listen, I'll catch up with CJ and you 'help' Toby with that memo."
"Okay. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah, bye."
* * * * *
Sam saw Josh run off down the hallway. Then, Sam looked into Toby's office. Toby seemed to be concentrating very hard on what he was doing. Did Sam dare interrupt him?
Sam liked Toby, he even looked up to him like he would an older brother, but he admitted freely that Toby was difficult. It was hard to reach out to him and every time Sam tried, he was quickly, hurtfully, pushed away.
He could only remember one time when Toby hadn't pushed him away. It had been when Toby's brother David's shuttle had had trouble.
Sam slowly approached Toby's door and opened it. Toby looked up.
"Are you busy?" Sam asked.
Toby was quiet for a moment, and Sam waited for a sarcastic answer. Instead Toby rose and walked over to a couch and sat down.
"No, come in."
* * * * *
Outside the White House, Josh saw CJ walking on the sidewalk. He ran after her and tapped her shoulder. Startled, she turned around.
"Josh! What the hell are you doing?" she yelled.
"I'm sorry!" Josh said. "I just thought you wanted company. Why are you walking, by the way?"
"I'm going back later for my car, I just felt like a walk before heading home."
"CJ, you really shouldn't walk alone in DC in the middle of the night."
CJ didn't answer. She started walking again and Josh joined her. They walked next to each other quietly for a while. CJ understood that Josh had followed her for a reason and she was waiting for him to say something that would tell her what that reason was.
"So, what happened after that night?" Josh finally asked.
"Josh, I thought we had stopped playing," CJ said with a little laugh.
"Yeah, we have. Now, I'm just asking as your friend."
CJ stopped walking and looked at Josh.
"Josh, I've promised Toby not to tell anyone about this. He's angry with me now because I mentioned even a little bit of our history!"
She closed her eyes when she realised that she had said too much.
"You have a whole history?" Josh asked surprised. "It wasn't just that one time, right?"
CJ looked at him, then turned and start to walk again.
* * * * *
Sam looked at Toby. None of them had said a word since Sam had entered Toby's office. If it had been any other occasion, Sam would probably have kept quiet out of fear of asking Toby, but this time it's different. He can feel that Toby's going to tell him something important tonight, something Toby needs to say without being pressured.
"Sam, I need to know that what I'm possibly going to tell you tonight isn't leaving this room."
"Toby, I won't say anything. You know that."
"Yeah, yeah, I do, Sam," Toby said quietly. "I really should keep a bottle of scotch in my office for moments like these."
Sam just smiled, waiting for Toby to tell him what was bothering him.
"Sam, what exactly did CJ say in there?" Toby asked and looked down.
"Um, she told us that the first time you met each other was at a bar, and the first night you met you ended up in bed."
Toby smiled at the memory.
"Yeah, we were both pretty drunk when her shift ended."
Sam studied Toby, and he knew that he wasn't going to be pushed away tonight.
"Toby, did you meet again after that night?" he asked.
Toby looked up and smiled.
"You're a smart kid." Toby said. "After that night we spent the next eight months together."
Sam looked up, surprised at what Toby had revealed. How was it possible for them to have hidden this during the time they had worked together these last few years?
* * * * *
"Whoa, CJ! Eight months?" Josh said loudly.
"You don't have to let the world know it," CJ commented sarcastically.
They stopped walking and sat down on a bench.
"Josh, I haven't talked about this since, well, since it ended. I have tried to not think about it, but, man, when you asked me earlier tonight all the memories came back to me. I hadn't allowed myself to think about it before."
"Oh, CJ. You were really in love with him, weren't you?" Josh put his arm around her shoulders.
"Yes, I was."
"Why did things end?"
* * * * *
"During the months that I and CJ were together I didn't have a job. Or rather, I was working multiple dead-end jobs. Working in sales and that sort of thing, but that wasn't what I wanted to do. So, one day a governor in New York called me. I don't know why, but he was impressed with me and wanted me on his campaign. Sam, it was my dream come true! But I still had one dream left in California-CJ. I told her about it when she came home that night; asked her what she thought about it."
Toby got quiet. Sam didn't say anything, just looking at him, and when Toby raised his head to look at Sam, he smiled.
"She wanted me to go, Sam. She said that she was going to miss me, but she told me to take the job. So, I did. I couldn't ask her to come with me because she had school and all of that."
"So, you just ended things?" Sam said, a bit disappointed.
"Yeah. Maybe if I had told her what I really felt, things would have been different. Sam, we were together for eight months but we didn't say that we loved each other once."
"Did you? I mean, love her?"
"Yes, I did. I loved her so much! I would have walked through fire for her. But, I'm pretty sure she didn't feel the same way. When she told me to take the job in New York, it was more like she said, 'It was fun for eight months, but now it's over.'"
"What happened after that? When you brought her on our campaign you were friends, so you must have met again and patched it up"
"Yeah, we met again." Toby took a deep breath.
* * * * *
"My first assignment for Triton Day involved travelling to Chicago. Who do you think I met at the airport?" CJ laughed.
"No, you're kidding?" Josh said incredulously.
"Yup, there he was. He had just gotten there from New York. We hadn't seen each other in six years. He was working for some other guy then and he had flown to Chicago because everyone else in the campaign was already there. So, we decided to have dinner."
CJ stopped talking and Josh looked impatiently at her. This was the type of story Hollywood loved to make into movies. Josh was therefore surprised that he was so excited with what CJ told him about her and Toby, considering that he didn't even like romantic movies. He was more into action.
"Dinner was nice, somehow it seemed as if we had grown up a lot since we were together."
"So, did you make a move on him?" Josh asked.
* * * * *
"I had gotten engaged just one week before I met CJ at the airport. I had been together with Andrea for almost a year by then, so I decided it was time to propose," Toby said and looked at Sam. "I loved Andrea of course, but honestly, when I had dinner with CJ that night, I wished I hadn't proposed to Andrea."
"You're kidding?" Sam said surprised. "Were you still in love with her after six years? After six years without a word from her?"
"Yes. I didn't think I did, but when I saw her at the airport, everything came back to me."
"Wow," was all Sam could say.
"Anyway, at dinner we acted like good friends and then it just stayed like that. Over the years we grew closer and closer. She came to our wedding, even though she knew Andrea didn't like her. Andrea thought that sometimes I looked at CJ as if I loved her more than Andrea, which probably was true."
"Did Andrea know about your relationship?" Sam was asking more now.
"No, we never told her. I don't know why really. I guess, we just thought it was better for her not to know."
* * * * *
"When she found out, she went crazy, of course," CJ said and looked at Josh. "She had already sensed it, Josh. I mean, she didn't like me from the beginning! I think the fact that we had lied to her was worse than that we had been together. So, then the friendship between Toby and I began to fall apart. We just sent each other e-mail sometimes. We stopped calling each other in the middle of night when we were ecstatic or upset, the way we had before to seek comfort in our friendship."
"Did Andrea forbid Toby to see you?"
"No, or at least, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure she never said that right out, but Toby knew better than to keep calling me to tell me important things before he told her."
"I don't understand," Josh said and looked confused. "You seemed like such good friends when you joined the campaign."
* * * * *
"I really should bring a bottle of scotch to put in here," Toby said.
"I don't think you should. If the press found out about it, they would accuse you of being an alcoholic. And that's not a problem we need."
Toby didn't answer.
"Where were we?" he said instead. "Oh yeah, anyway Andrea and I started to have problems maybe three or four years after the wedding. One night she told me she wanted to get divorced. I didn't protest. I didn't have a campaign to work on at the time, which only made it worse. Then, like a sign from heaven, CJ called me one night. She was crying, and she felt guilty for calling me. Her boyfriend had dumped her after a two year relationship."
* * * * *
"I truly believed that Mark was someone I could have married. But he knew that something was wrong. He never knew that Toby existed, but after two years he told me he didn't feel like he had my full love, which was true. I couldn't help it; I still had feelings for Toby."
"So, Mark left you?"
"Yeah. I knew I shouldn't call Toby, but I did. I knew he was the only one who could comfort me. I was surprised when he told me that he was coming to California. Later, I found out that Mark dumping me wasn't the only reason that he had come. Andrea had asked for a divorce."
Josh looked at CJ. It seemed as if she wanted to tell him something, but he wasn't sure what it was. Josh took her hand in his and gently squeezed it. She looked at him and smiled before leaning her head on his shoulder.
"Before he went back to New York, we slept together, Josh," CJ said quietly.
* * * * *
"You what?" Sam exclaimed. "Why?"
"At the time, I think both of us thought that we did it just because we were sad and needed comfort. But I know now that I did it because I still was in love with her. After that night, I went back to New York. We kept calling each other and we became best friends again, but we never talked about what had happened that night. Neither of us ever suggested that we should visit each other. I wish I had, though."
"Oh, Toby, you should have!" Sam said.
Toby glared at Sam and Sam blushed. He really liked this story, and the fact that it was real and happening to his friends only made it better. He loved to watch sappy romantic movies with happy endings. Only, it seemed as if this movie wasn't going to have a happy ending.
"I know I should have." Toby said after a moment of silence. "The next time we saw each other was when I went out to California to get her for the campaign. She tripped and fell in the pool, then. She told me to avert my eyes because her clothes would be clinging to her."
Toby laughed at the memory and Sam smiled.
"She had to tell me one more time before I turned around. I though it was ironic, because it wasn't as if I hadn't seen it before. Anyway, I talked her into joining the campaign."
"Did you love her then?" Sam asked.
"Yes, I did, Sam," Toby said, looking straight into Sam's eyes.
* * * * *
"Yes, I did, Josh," CJ said, looking straight into Josh's eyes. "I guess that was one of the reasons why I joined the campaign. Somewhere inside, deep down, I guess I wished that we could get back together. But nothing ever happened. We just stayed best friends, which I'm, by the way, very happy with. You may not know this, Josh, but Toby is a really great friend."
"I can imagine," Josh said and CJ couldn't tell if he was joking or not. "So, the last time you slept together was after Mark had dumped you and when Andrea had filed for divorce?"
* * * * *
"No. The last time we were together was the night when we found out that Bartlet was being nominated as the Democratic candidate for President. I guess that night we blamed on the booze. As you may remember, we were all pretty drunk that night. But, when we entered the hotel room I was totally sober. I knew exactly what I was doing, Sam."
"What happened the morning after?"
"We pretended as if nothing had happened. We joked a bit awkwardly that it must have been the booze, and then we never spoke of it again. And now, we're just friends. Not that I'm saying that that's bad. CJ is a great friend."
"Yeah, I know."
"Sam, I know that you don't want to hear this, but I." Toby began and looked at the floor, then up at Sam again. "I never thanked you for rescuing CJ's life that night at Rosslyn."
"Oh," Sam started to blush.
"CJ told me. I won't tell anyone. I just wanted you to know that I'm grateful for that."
"Thanks, Toby," Sam said sincerely and smiled. "So, since the 'drunken mistake' you've just been friends?"
"Yeah," Toby said with a deep sigh, then he rose and walked over to the window.
"You're still in love with her, aren't you?"
Toby quickly turned around and looked at him.
* * * * *
CJ looked at Josh, who smiled at her. CJ knew that she still was in love with Toby and she still hoped that they finally would end up together, but to hear someone ask it out loud.
"CJ. Why don't you do something about it?"
"Josh, he doesn't think of me that way anymore. Maybe someday he will again, but I don't want to risk our friendship. Not now."
"CJ, is Toby the only one you ever truly loved?"
CJ thought for a while, and then she slowly nodded.
"Yeah, he is. Probably the one and only." She smiled slightly. "I mean, of course, I loved Mark, but it wasn't the same as the time I spent with Toby."
"CJ, you really should tell him."
CJ didn't answer.
"Come on, let's go back."
They rose, and Josh put his arm around her shoulders as they started to walk back to the White House.
* * * * *
"Sam, have you ever." The words stuck in Toby's throat. "Have you ever. Have you ever wanted to be with someone so much that it hurts?"
Sam was surprised at the words that came from Toby's mouth. It was so weird to hear him talk like this, but Sam appreciated it. And he appreciated that Toby seemed to have so much trust in him that he told him the whole story about him and CJ.
"I don't think so," Sam slowly said.
"Then you haven't." Toby smiled slightly. "Yes, Sam. I love CJ, more than anything in this world. That's why I'm so grateful to you, that you rescued her. I don't even dare to think the thought, but if something had happened that night I."
Toby couldn't find the words. Sam put a hand on his shoulder.
"Toby, you should tell her how you feel."
"Sam, she doesn't love me anymore. At least, not like that. I wish she did, but I know she doesn't."
"Maybe, maybe not. But you can't be certain until you tell her. You really should do it."
'Or else I will,' Sam added in his head. He wasn't about to let this real- life movie have a bad ending.
* * * * *
Sam was on his way back to Toby's office. He had gone to Josh's office to get some soft drinks because he knew Josh kept some in his office. While he was walking down the hallway, he heard voices. When he got to the Communications Bullpen he noticed that Josh was sitting on top of Ginger's desk. The blinds in Toby's office were now drawn.
"Josh, you're back?" Sam asked, surprised.
"Hey, those are my soft drinks!" Josh said loud and then he remembered why he was there. "Do you want to share a cab home?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Josh, but I'm talking to Toby."
"Actually, CJ is in there with him now." Josh smiled.
Sam smiled back.
"Really?" he asked, and Josh nodded. "Well, okay then, let's share a cab."
They started to walk down the hallway.
"You know, he loves her," Sam said.
"Really?" Josh asked happily. "She loves him, too. More than anything."
* * * * *
Toby was leaning against his desk, watching CJ sitting on the couch, looking down at her hands resting on her knees.
"What time is it?" she suddenly asked.
Toby was caught off guard by the question.
"It's 2 a.m.," he said quietly. "Tired?"
"A little."
"Why don't you lie down for a while? I can drive you home in an hour."
"No, it's fine. I have my car here, Toby."
"I know, but I don't want you to drive when you're this tired."
CJ was touched by his concern. She lay down on the couch while Toby stood watching her. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, and when she opened them she noticed that Toby was still watching her. He quickly looked away. She smiled to herself and closed her eyes again.
On the walk back to the White House she had thought of what Josh had told her. Maybe she should tell him that she loved him, but she didn't want it to be weird between them, which it would if he didn't feel the same, which he probably didn't.
Suddenly she felt someone pull a blanket over her. She opened her eyes. Toby had carefully put the blanket over her and now he stood next to the couch looking down at her. She smiled and scootched over.
"You want to sit down?"
He didn't say anything, just sat down on the couch. They looked at each other for a few seconds. Then he gently brushed a few stray hairs from her face. She shivered at his touch. He stroked her cheek gently with the back of his hand. CJ was confused. What did this mean? But she wasn't going to ask him, this felt way too good for her to interrupt the moment.
"CJ, there's something important I have to tell you," Toby almost whispered.
CJ smiled in nervous anticipation. She couldn't believe this was happening. She knew what he was going to say. She put her finger on his lips to quiet him. She lifted her head and then she put her hand around his neck and moved his face closer to hers. She brushed her lips gently against his.
"Toby, I love you," CJ whispered. "I have loved you since the first day we met."
"I love you too, CJ. More than you ever can imagine."
They kissed again and this time they had nothing to blame it on. They weren't drunk and they didn't need comfort. They were just in love.
~*~*~END~*~*~
Summary: "Okay, CJ," Josh said. "Have you and Toby ever. you know?"
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me.
Spoilers: None.
Archive: Just tell me where, please.
Feedback: I'd be happy to receive anything. Good and bad. jee__sun@hotmail.com
Thanks to: Lisa Martin for beta this one and for telling me how to become a better writer. =)
* * * * *
On her way home CJ passed the Roosevelt Room. She noticed that it wasn't empty even though it was past eleven o'clock. She entered the room and looked at the people inside it.
"Hey, what are you still doing here?"
Josh, Sam and Toby looked at her and then at each other. No one answered.
"I don't know if you heard me, but I asked a question." CJ started to smile.
"If I had an answer for you, I'd tell you." Toby murmured.
CJ sat down next to Toby and looked at Josh and Sam across the table. She studied the three men's faces. They all looked very tired, as if they had lost something important.
"I think you should go home. You look exhausted."
"That's the thing," Josh said loudly. "We should go home and get some sleep. Something tells me I should be here, though. I mean, doing something. Preparing for a meeting or waiting for a disaster, you know?"
CJ looked sceptically at him and then noticed that Sam nodded.
"Did something happen today?" she asked.
"No, not really." Sam said. "I guess, we're just having one of those nights where you realize that sometimes you work damn hard for no reason."
It was quiet for a while. CJ kept looking at them.
"You should go home." Toby said and looked at her.
"Why? Can't I sit here with you guys and be disappointed over my life?"
"Are you?" Sam asked and looked closely at her. "Are you disappointed with your life?"
CJ smiled and then shook her head.
"Sam, I love my work! And I'm fortunate to work with people that are my friends and who I care deeply for. It's just that, sometimes when I'm thinking of what I have given up." She stopped talking.
Josh and Sam looked expectantly at her. She had caught their attention now.
"What?" Josh had to ask after a moment of silence. "What have you given up, CJ?"
"Nothing in particular." CJ sighed. "But when I was young I thought that I'd be married now with lots of kids."
"I didn't know you wanted the whole family-thing." Toby said.
"I don't." CJ paused. "Or at least I don't think so." Then she started to laugh. "Look what kind of mood you guys have gotten me into now."
"I told you to go home." Toby murmured.
"I can actually relate to what you said, CJ," Sam stated. "I mean with the family-thing. Sure, it'd be easier for me to have children than you, but I think it's one's obligation as a father to spend time with one's children, and I certainly don't have any to spare. With my work schedule I don't even have time to date."
CJ smiled at him, and took his hand over the table. He smiled back. They understood each other well on that topic. They didn't think either Josh or Toby were too interested in family life, even though Toby had been married.
"What time is it?" Josh asked.
"Almost twelve," Toby replied.
"What are we doing here?" Josh said and threw his arms out wide. "We really should get home. After all, we have to be back here in seven hours."
Everyone looked at him, expecting him to rise and leave, but he stayed put.
"Josh, you know you haven't left, right?" Toby said.
"Yeah, yeah." Josh said quietly, as if he were on a different planet. "Maybe I'll crash on someone's couch."
It was quiet again. Even if these four colleagues didn't mention it to each other, they enjoyed each other's company. They liked just to sit together and think of whatever crossed their minds. In a weird way that none of them could explain, it felt safe.
"Hey, who's up for a bit of 'Truth Or Dare'?" CJ suddenly asked.
The guys looked at her and grinned.
"Sure, why not," Josh said.
"I'm in," Sam said. "Toby?"
"We're not teenagers," Toby murmured, and smiled a bit patronisingly.
"So, you don't want to play?" CJ asked. Toby shook his head. "Then I'm going to have to ask you to leave this room."
"What?" Toby asked.
"She's right, Toby," Josh filled in. "You can't hear all of our secrets if you're not going to share."
"Sure, then I'll go to my office and finish a memo."
Toby rose and left the room, closing the door behind him.
* * * * *
"Okay, who's starting?" CJ asked, grinning.
"I'll go," Sam said. "Josh, truth or dare?"
"Truth."
"Coward," CJ murmured. Josh glared at her, and she smiled back at him.
"What's up with you and Donna?" Sam asked, as he looked at Josh.
CJ also looked at Josh, and smiled. This was something she always had wondered about, but she had never gotten any real answers before.
"Oh come on!" Josh yelled. "Have you two grouped together on this one?"
"More likely the entire West Wing." Sam said, and smiled at CJ.
Josh was quiet for a while and looked at them both. Then he took a deep breath.
"Honestly, there's nothing going on between me and Donna. I know that you all think there is, but we're just friends. She's like a sister to me, like a person I have to take care of. That's the truth."
CJ and Sam looked at Josh and then at each other. There was no doubt that this was the truth. He had said it so sincerely, and they could see it in his eyes.
"Do you see your sister who died in Donna?" CJ asked carefully.
Josh nodded.
"Sometimes, yeah." He looked down at the table.
"I'm sorry," CJ reached out to take his hand.
"No, it's okay," he said, and smiled at her before squeezing her hand. "So, now you know the truth. But it is amusing that everyone thinks we're going to end up together, plus it gives them something to gossip about. So, who's next? CJ, truth or dare?"
"Um. truth," CJ said after a few seconds of thinking.
"What? Who's the coward now?" Josh asked, and grinned. "Let's see, what am I going to ask the beautiful Ms. Cregg?"
It was quiet for a while and CJ looked relieved.
"See, I don't have an interesting life." She grinned and threw up her hands.
"Ah, I know!" Sam said and reached out to whisper something in Josh's ear.
"Hey, that's cheating!" CJ yelled.
Sam relaxed back in his chair as Josh started to grin.
"What?" CJ asked with a suspicious face.
Josh looked at Sam, they grinned widely, and then they looked at her.
"Okay, CJ," Josh said. "Have you and Toby ever. you know?"
CJ froze at the question. How could she not have seen that coming? She felt stupid now for suggesting 'Truth Or Dare.' It was too late to lie now, because they had already seen her freeze at the question and they were looking at her with huge smiles o their faces.
"I knew it!" Sam said with a proud smile.
"So, are you going to tell us?" Josh asked.
"Okay." CJ muttered. "But nothing of what I'm going to tell you is leaving this room, okay?"
She looked closely at Josh and Sam, both of whom tried to look serious and nod.
"Okay. When Toby and I met, I guess I was about 24 and he was maybe 27. He had just been fired from a campaign in California. I was still going to school then and I worked part-time at a bar. One night he entered the bar and sat down by the counter. Since there hardly were any other people present, we started to talk. Anyway, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed."
She was quiet for a moment, looking towards the office door that she faced. She froze when she noticed Toby standing there, and the door slightly ajar. When he saw that he had been seen, he quickly turned around and walked away. Josh and Sam had seen the whole thing.
"Will you excuse me for a while?" CJ said and rose.
When she had left the room, Josh looked at Sam.
"Toby and CJ?" he said in a disbelieving tone. "That's just really weird."
"Oh, come on, Josh! How could you have missed it? It's as obvious as you and Donna! Or I mean, as other people think of you and Donna."
"No, it's not. I haven't heard one person in the West Wing say anything about Toby and CJ."
"Okay, so maybe it isn't that obvious, but I have noticed stuff. You know, she's almost the only one he apologizes to; he tells her she's beautiful.you know, small things."
"How could you not tell me?"
"Ah, well, you'll get over it. So, shall we continue?"
"Nah, lets wait for CJ."
* * * * *
CJ knocked lightly on the door to Toby's office. She didn't wait for an answer before entering. Toby sat by his desk with his back turned to the door. CJ quietly sat down in a couch. She knew it wasn't a good idea to start talking since he would just interrupt her. Instead, she waited for him. A couple of minutes later he slowly turned his chair around.
"CJ, I thought we agreed on not telling anyone ever about that," he said quietly.
"Then I broke that promise years ago. I told my friends Anne and Denise the day after." She joked in an attempt to relieve tension.
"You know what I mean, CJ," Toby said as he rose, walked around his desk, and leaned against it. "When I brought you on the campaign we agreed to never mention it again."
"I'm sorry, Toby, but I couldn't lie. Plus, when Josh asked me the question they already knew the answer just by taking one look at my face. I really am sorry, Toby, but I don't understand why it's bothering you so much. Is it something you regret or are ashamed of?"
Toby walked over to the couches and sat down on the one CJ wasn't on.
"CJ, I don't regret it. I'm not ashamed over it. It's just that. work is work and personal is personal."
She looked at him. She knew he lied, and he probably knew that she knew. But, it was nothing she wanted to take up with him now.
"Okay." CJ rose and walked over to the door.
Before she opened it, she turned around.
"You know, I didn't tell them everything."
"Good."
CJ opened the door, and left.
* * * * *
CJ slowly walked back to the Roosevelt Room. She thought of old times, months she hadn't let herself think of till now. She opened the door to the Roosevelt Room and stuck her head in.
"Um, guys, we'll have to continue playing some other night. I'm heading home." With that, she closed the door.
Josh and Sam looked at each other.
"You don't think.?" Sam began.
They looked at each other for one more second before running to Toby's office. They saw him through the windows. He was sitting by his desk, looking at his computer.
"Man, I thought that they were going home together," Sam said.
"Yeah, I understood that part," Josh said sarcastically. "Something fishy is going on here. Listen, I'll catch up with CJ and you 'help' Toby with that memo."
"Okay. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah, bye."
* * * * *
Sam saw Josh run off down the hallway. Then, Sam looked into Toby's office. Toby seemed to be concentrating very hard on what he was doing. Did Sam dare interrupt him?
Sam liked Toby, he even looked up to him like he would an older brother, but he admitted freely that Toby was difficult. It was hard to reach out to him and every time Sam tried, he was quickly, hurtfully, pushed away.
He could only remember one time when Toby hadn't pushed him away. It had been when Toby's brother David's shuttle had had trouble.
Sam slowly approached Toby's door and opened it. Toby looked up.
"Are you busy?" Sam asked.
Toby was quiet for a moment, and Sam waited for a sarcastic answer. Instead Toby rose and walked over to a couch and sat down.
"No, come in."
* * * * *
Outside the White House, Josh saw CJ walking on the sidewalk. He ran after her and tapped her shoulder. Startled, she turned around.
"Josh! What the hell are you doing?" she yelled.
"I'm sorry!" Josh said. "I just thought you wanted company. Why are you walking, by the way?"
"I'm going back later for my car, I just felt like a walk before heading home."
"CJ, you really shouldn't walk alone in DC in the middle of the night."
CJ didn't answer. She started walking again and Josh joined her. They walked next to each other quietly for a while. CJ understood that Josh had followed her for a reason and she was waiting for him to say something that would tell her what that reason was.
"So, what happened after that night?" Josh finally asked.
"Josh, I thought we had stopped playing," CJ said with a little laugh.
"Yeah, we have. Now, I'm just asking as your friend."
CJ stopped walking and looked at Josh.
"Josh, I've promised Toby not to tell anyone about this. He's angry with me now because I mentioned even a little bit of our history!"
She closed her eyes when she realised that she had said too much.
"You have a whole history?" Josh asked surprised. "It wasn't just that one time, right?"
CJ looked at him, then turned and start to walk again.
* * * * *
Sam looked at Toby. None of them had said a word since Sam had entered Toby's office. If it had been any other occasion, Sam would probably have kept quiet out of fear of asking Toby, but this time it's different. He can feel that Toby's going to tell him something important tonight, something Toby needs to say without being pressured.
"Sam, I need to know that what I'm possibly going to tell you tonight isn't leaving this room."
"Toby, I won't say anything. You know that."
"Yeah, yeah, I do, Sam," Toby said quietly. "I really should keep a bottle of scotch in my office for moments like these."
Sam just smiled, waiting for Toby to tell him what was bothering him.
"Sam, what exactly did CJ say in there?" Toby asked and looked down.
"Um, she told us that the first time you met each other was at a bar, and the first night you met you ended up in bed."
Toby smiled at the memory.
"Yeah, we were both pretty drunk when her shift ended."
Sam studied Toby, and he knew that he wasn't going to be pushed away tonight.
"Toby, did you meet again after that night?" he asked.
Toby looked up and smiled.
"You're a smart kid." Toby said. "After that night we spent the next eight months together."
Sam looked up, surprised at what Toby had revealed. How was it possible for them to have hidden this during the time they had worked together these last few years?
* * * * *
"Whoa, CJ! Eight months?" Josh said loudly.
"You don't have to let the world know it," CJ commented sarcastically.
They stopped walking and sat down on a bench.
"Josh, I haven't talked about this since, well, since it ended. I have tried to not think about it, but, man, when you asked me earlier tonight all the memories came back to me. I hadn't allowed myself to think about it before."
"Oh, CJ. You were really in love with him, weren't you?" Josh put his arm around her shoulders.
"Yes, I was."
"Why did things end?"
* * * * *
"During the months that I and CJ were together I didn't have a job. Or rather, I was working multiple dead-end jobs. Working in sales and that sort of thing, but that wasn't what I wanted to do. So, one day a governor in New York called me. I don't know why, but he was impressed with me and wanted me on his campaign. Sam, it was my dream come true! But I still had one dream left in California-CJ. I told her about it when she came home that night; asked her what she thought about it."
Toby got quiet. Sam didn't say anything, just looking at him, and when Toby raised his head to look at Sam, he smiled.
"She wanted me to go, Sam. She said that she was going to miss me, but she told me to take the job. So, I did. I couldn't ask her to come with me because she had school and all of that."
"So, you just ended things?" Sam said, a bit disappointed.
"Yeah. Maybe if I had told her what I really felt, things would have been different. Sam, we were together for eight months but we didn't say that we loved each other once."
"Did you? I mean, love her?"
"Yes, I did. I loved her so much! I would have walked through fire for her. But, I'm pretty sure she didn't feel the same way. When she told me to take the job in New York, it was more like she said, 'It was fun for eight months, but now it's over.'"
"What happened after that? When you brought her on our campaign you were friends, so you must have met again and patched it up"
"Yeah, we met again." Toby took a deep breath.
* * * * *
"My first assignment for Triton Day involved travelling to Chicago. Who do you think I met at the airport?" CJ laughed.
"No, you're kidding?" Josh said incredulously.
"Yup, there he was. He had just gotten there from New York. We hadn't seen each other in six years. He was working for some other guy then and he had flown to Chicago because everyone else in the campaign was already there. So, we decided to have dinner."
CJ stopped talking and Josh looked impatiently at her. This was the type of story Hollywood loved to make into movies. Josh was therefore surprised that he was so excited with what CJ told him about her and Toby, considering that he didn't even like romantic movies. He was more into action.
"Dinner was nice, somehow it seemed as if we had grown up a lot since we were together."
"So, did you make a move on him?" Josh asked.
* * * * *
"I had gotten engaged just one week before I met CJ at the airport. I had been together with Andrea for almost a year by then, so I decided it was time to propose," Toby said and looked at Sam. "I loved Andrea of course, but honestly, when I had dinner with CJ that night, I wished I hadn't proposed to Andrea."
"You're kidding?" Sam said surprised. "Were you still in love with her after six years? After six years without a word from her?"
"Yes. I didn't think I did, but when I saw her at the airport, everything came back to me."
"Wow," was all Sam could say.
"Anyway, at dinner we acted like good friends and then it just stayed like that. Over the years we grew closer and closer. She came to our wedding, even though she knew Andrea didn't like her. Andrea thought that sometimes I looked at CJ as if I loved her more than Andrea, which probably was true."
"Did Andrea know about your relationship?" Sam was asking more now.
"No, we never told her. I don't know why really. I guess, we just thought it was better for her not to know."
* * * * *
"When she found out, she went crazy, of course," CJ said and looked at Josh. "She had already sensed it, Josh. I mean, she didn't like me from the beginning! I think the fact that we had lied to her was worse than that we had been together. So, then the friendship between Toby and I began to fall apart. We just sent each other e-mail sometimes. We stopped calling each other in the middle of night when we were ecstatic or upset, the way we had before to seek comfort in our friendship."
"Did Andrea forbid Toby to see you?"
"No, or at least, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure she never said that right out, but Toby knew better than to keep calling me to tell me important things before he told her."
"I don't understand," Josh said and looked confused. "You seemed like such good friends when you joined the campaign."
* * * * *
"I really should bring a bottle of scotch to put in here," Toby said.
"I don't think you should. If the press found out about it, they would accuse you of being an alcoholic. And that's not a problem we need."
Toby didn't answer.
"Where were we?" he said instead. "Oh yeah, anyway Andrea and I started to have problems maybe three or four years after the wedding. One night she told me she wanted to get divorced. I didn't protest. I didn't have a campaign to work on at the time, which only made it worse. Then, like a sign from heaven, CJ called me one night. She was crying, and she felt guilty for calling me. Her boyfriend had dumped her after a two year relationship."
* * * * *
"I truly believed that Mark was someone I could have married. But he knew that something was wrong. He never knew that Toby existed, but after two years he told me he didn't feel like he had my full love, which was true. I couldn't help it; I still had feelings for Toby."
"So, Mark left you?"
"Yeah. I knew I shouldn't call Toby, but I did. I knew he was the only one who could comfort me. I was surprised when he told me that he was coming to California. Later, I found out that Mark dumping me wasn't the only reason that he had come. Andrea had asked for a divorce."
Josh looked at CJ. It seemed as if she wanted to tell him something, but he wasn't sure what it was. Josh took her hand in his and gently squeezed it. She looked at him and smiled before leaning her head on his shoulder.
"Before he went back to New York, we slept together, Josh," CJ said quietly.
* * * * *
"You what?" Sam exclaimed. "Why?"
"At the time, I think both of us thought that we did it just because we were sad and needed comfort. But I know now that I did it because I still was in love with her. After that night, I went back to New York. We kept calling each other and we became best friends again, but we never talked about what had happened that night. Neither of us ever suggested that we should visit each other. I wish I had, though."
"Oh, Toby, you should have!" Sam said.
Toby glared at Sam and Sam blushed. He really liked this story, and the fact that it was real and happening to his friends only made it better. He loved to watch sappy romantic movies with happy endings. Only, it seemed as if this movie wasn't going to have a happy ending.
"I know I should have." Toby said after a moment of silence. "The next time we saw each other was when I went out to California to get her for the campaign. She tripped and fell in the pool, then. She told me to avert my eyes because her clothes would be clinging to her."
Toby laughed at the memory and Sam smiled.
"She had to tell me one more time before I turned around. I though it was ironic, because it wasn't as if I hadn't seen it before. Anyway, I talked her into joining the campaign."
"Did you love her then?" Sam asked.
"Yes, I did, Sam," Toby said, looking straight into Sam's eyes.
* * * * *
"Yes, I did, Josh," CJ said, looking straight into Josh's eyes. "I guess that was one of the reasons why I joined the campaign. Somewhere inside, deep down, I guess I wished that we could get back together. But nothing ever happened. We just stayed best friends, which I'm, by the way, very happy with. You may not know this, Josh, but Toby is a really great friend."
"I can imagine," Josh said and CJ couldn't tell if he was joking or not. "So, the last time you slept together was after Mark had dumped you and when Andrea had filed for divorce?"
* * * * *
"No. The last time we were together was the night when we found out that Bartlet was being nominated as the Democratic candidate for President. I guess that night we blamed on the booze. As you may remember, we were all pretty drunk that night. But, when we entered the hotel room I was totally sober. I knew exactly what I was doing, Sam."
"What happened the morning after?"
"We pretended as if nothing had happened. We joked a bit awkwardly that it must have been the booze, and then we never spoke of it again. And now, we're just friends. Not that I'm saying that that's bad. CJ is a great friend."
"Yeah, I know."
"Sam, I know that you don't want to hear this, but I." Toby began and looked at the floor, then up at Sam again. "I never thanked you for rescuing CJ's life that night at Rosslyn."
"Oh," Sam started to blush.
"CJ told me. I won't tell anyone. I just wanted you to know that I'm grateful for that."
"Thanks, Toby," Sam said sincerely and smiled. "So, since the 'drunken mistake' you've just been friends?"
"Yeah," Toby said with a deep sigh, then he rose and walked over to the window.
"You're still in love with her, aren't you?"
Toby quickly turned around and looked at him.
* * * * *
CJ looked at Josh, who smiled at her. CJ knew that she still was in love with Toby and she still hoped that they finally would end up together, but to hear someone ask it out loud.
"CJ. Why don't you do something about it?"
"Josh, he doesn't think of me that way anymore. Maybe someday he will again, but I don't want to risk our friendship. Not now."
"CJ, is Toby the only one you ever truly loved?"
CJ thought for a while, and then she slowly nodded.
"Yeah, he is. Probably the one and only." She smiled slightly. "I mean, of course, I loved Mark, but it wasn't the same as the time I spent with Toby."
"CJ, you really should tell him."
CJ didn't answer.
"Come on, let's go back."
They rose, and Josh put his arm around her shoulders as they started to walk back to the White House.
* * * * *
"Sam, have you ever." The words stuck in Toby's throat. "Have you ever. Have you ever wanted to be with someone so much that it hurts?"
Sam was surprised at the words that came from Toby's mouth. It was so weird to hear him talk like this, but Sam appreciated it. And he appreciated that Toby seemed to have so much trust in him that he told him the whole story about him and CJ.
"I don't think so," Sam slowly said.
"Then you haven't." Toby smiled slightly. "Yes, Sam. I love CJ, more than anything in this world. That's why I'm so grateful to you, that you rescued her. I don't even dare to think the thought, but if something had happened that night I."
Toby couldn't find the words. Sam put a hand on his shoulder.
"Toby, you should tell her how you feel."
"Sam, she doesn't love me anymore. At least, not like that. I wish she did, but I know she doesn't."
"Maybe, maybe not. But you can't be certain until you tell her. You really should do it."
'Or else I will,' Sam added in his head. He wasn't about to let this real- life movie have a bad ending.
* * * * *
Sam was on his way back to Toby's office. He had gone to Josh's office to get some soft drinks because he knew Josh kept some in his office. While he was walking down the hallway, he heard voices. When he got to the Communications Bullpen he noticed that Josh was sitting on top of Ginger's desk. The blinds in Toby's office were now drawn.
"Josh, you're back?" Sam asked, surprised.
"Hey, those are my soft drinks!" Josh said loud and then he remembered why he was there. "Do you want to share a cab home?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Josh, but I'm talking to Toby."
"Actually, CJ is in there with him now." Josh smiled.
Sam smiled back.
"Really?" he asked, and Josh nodded. "Well, okay then, let's share a cab."
They started to walk down the hallway.
"You know, he loves her," Sam said.
"Really?" Josh asked happily. "She loves him, too. More than anything."
* * * * *
Toby was leaning against his desk, watching CJ sitting on the couch, looking down at her hands resting on her knees.
"What time is it?" she suddenly asked.
Toby was caught off guard by the question.
"It's 2 a.m.," he said quietly. "Tired?"
"A little."
"Why don't you lie down for a while? I can drive you home in an hour."
"No, it's fine. I have my car here, Toby."
"I know, but I don't want you to drive when you're this tired."
CJ was touched by his concern. She lay down on the couch while Toby stood watching her. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, and when she opened them she noticed that Toby was still watching her. He quickly looked away. She smiled to herself and closed her eyes again.
On the walk back to the White House she had thought of what Josh had told her. Maybe she should tell him that she loved him, but she didn't want it to be weird between them, which it would if he didn't feel the same, which he probably didn't.
Suddenly she felt someone pull a blanket over her. She opened her eyes. Toby had carefully put the blanket over her and now he stood next to the couch looking down at her. She smiled and scootched over.
"You want to sit down?"
He didn't say anything, just sat down on the couch. They looked at each other for a few seconds. Then he gently brushed a few stray hairs from her face. She shivered at his touch. He stroked her cheek gently with the back of his hand. CJ was confused. What did this mean? But she wasn't going to ask him, this felt way too good for her to interrupt the moment.
"CJ, there's something important I have to tell you," Toby almost whispered.
CJ smiled in nervous anticipation. She couldn't believe this was happening. She knew what he was going to say. She put her finger on his lips to quiet him. She lifted her head and then she put her hand around his neck and moved his face closer to hers. She brushed her lips gently against his.
"Toby, I love you," CJ whispered. "I have loved you since the first day we met."
"I love you too, CJ. More than you ever can imagine."
They kissed again and this time they had nothing to blame it on. They weren't drunk and they didn't need comfort. They were just in love.
~*~*~END~*~*~