Justina Beaver's Sorting

Darke Wispers (with guest appearance from Daisy Midnight)

Disclaimer: As much as I wish I owned Harry Potter, I don't. As much I wished I could have the rights to the name Justin Beiber (oh the things I could do, mwahahaha) I don't.

Author's Note: Obviously I hate "The Beaver". This is not meant to personally attack anyone except for him. Thanks to "Daisy Midnight" for helping write this during DR. She wrote everything Beiber said.

"Beiber, Justin!" McGonnagal called. The child walked up slowly, oblivious to the laughter of his peers. He sat on the stool and gingerly set the hat on his head, careful so as not to crush his hair.

"Justin?" the hat mocked. "I thought Justin was a boy's name!"

"But I am a boy!" He squeaked.

"Your mind says otherwise," the hat scolded.

"Oh, shut your mouth you musty, old hat!" the boy pouted, crossing his arms. "You can't see into my head. It's protected by my skull." he informed the hat smugly.

"Rather thick skull," the hat muttered.

"Why you-" his voice jumped an octave and the Great Hall erupted with laughter.

"Told you. I suppose I should get on with the sorting... what house do you expect to be in, Miss Beaver?" the hat inquired with a bored tone. The boy thought for a moment.

"I expect to be in..." A very long, weird pause ensued. "I'll have to take a few days to think about it. These kinds of life decisions can't be made to hastily you know." He finally stated.

"Silly girl!" the hat scoffed. "This hat waits for no one! I suppose I'll have to help then... let's see... selfish, but not cunning or ambitious. Dumber than a post. Cowardly and uncaring. Not loyal or trustworthy at all... My dear Justina, I'm afraid you are a... MUGGLE!" the hat shouted joyfully. The students jumped up and cheered.

"No no no no no no no no!" Justin screamed, stamping his feet. "You filthy liar! I'm not a girl! I'm amazing and I'm NOT A MUGGLE!" His voice had jumped three octaves and hovered near a yound girl screech.

"Flitwick! Take this young lady... erm, man! away!" McGonnagal cried, yaking the hat off Justin. His hair stood up in several directions, which caused him to crumple to the floor in tears.

"Baby! Baby! Oh! Baby! What have they done to you? I'll never let you go!" the child sobbed. The students threw their water goblets at him and the charms professor took him away.

THE End

Perfect