Spam
by The Masked Hentai
Ryoga seemed nervous. `As nervous as a pig in the Hormel factory' Akari thought, before remembering that she was trying to wean herself off the pig similes, since they did seem to upset dear Ryoga.
Still, as cute as he was stumbling over his words, stuttering, blushing, and emitting gallons of flop sweat, Akari decided that she needed to get him back on track. "Please, Ryoga dear, don't hog all the conversation tonight."
For a brief instant, he looked chagrinned. He then cleared his throat, and with a new-found determination looked right in her eyes. "Akari...I was planning on proposing to you tonight."
Oh my...while not altogether a surprise, it was still quite something to digest. "Y-yes?"
"However, there is something I need to share about myself first. Something I need to get off my chest."
`What could it be?' she thought. `He already confessed to me about being Akane's pet. What other secret does he have?'
"My family...we are cursed with bad directions."
Akari nodded. This was true, if blindingly obvious.
"The directional curse is...genetic. My parents had it...my grandparents had it. We can trace the curse back at least four generations. And for that reason, I can't in good conscience allow myself to father children."
"Oh no..." Akari brought her hand her hand up to her lips. True, as a breeder of pigs, she was familiar with genetics, and she had toyed with the idea that Ryoga's inability to follow directions might be genetic. She could see why she *should* avoid having children with the man she loved, even if the thought hurt. But she wouldn't let that get between her and her ideal man.
"We...we can adopt...can't we?"
Ryoga looked her, relief in his eyes. "Yes...yes of course. We can adopt."
Akari smiled, tears of joy coming to her eyes. `He's going to ask me! He's going to ask me to marry him!'
Ryoga looked nervous again. "There's one other thing. And this...this is even worse."
`Worse?' Akari had a sinking feeling, but took a deep breath. `Be calm. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as I love him and he loves me.' "What is it, Ryoga?"
"The direction curse isn't just genetic...It's also..." he blushed "...sexually transmitted."
"...say what?"
"Uh...you see...my father had the curse. My mother didn't. Then they got married. And after they uh...did it...my mother started to get lost."
Akari had a sinking feeling. "Why are you telling me this?"
Ryoga looked straight at the ground. "If you marry me...I think it's better if we never..." he reddened again "...have sex."
"But...but Ryoga, that's what married couples DO!"
"I'm...I'm sorry...but the thought of you being lost all the time...I don't know if you can take care of yourself in the wilderness the way I can."
"But...no, I won't get lost!"
"Akari...you will. You will! No matter how hard you try, one day, you won't be paying attention, and suddenly you're in Kobe."
"But maybe...we can get lost together?"
Ryoga nodded sadly. "It doesn't work like that. My parents...they're both lost but they're never together. They meet up with each other maybe once ever five years or so. Which is why I don't want YOU to be lost. I want to be sure that when I find my way home, you will be there...and not just a note saying `I've got out for groceries, see you next Christmas.'"
Akari teared up again. `What a horrible thought.'
"I'm not asking you for an answer now. But, knowing that I can't let you bear my children...and knowing that we can't ever make love like a regular man and wife...will you still marry me?"
* * *
Akari remembered the night he asked that question. Yes...that certainly had been food for thought...for about five seconds. "He was my ideal man? How could I let a little thing like lifelong celibacy get in the way?"
Still...it got so boring when he was away. She looked around the immaculately clean house for something to do. `There's the crossword puzzle...or I could alphabetize the spice rack...or...'
Suddenly the telephone looked very inviting. She picked it up and pressed the first speed-dial button. "Hello, this is Ryoga Hibiki. I can't come to the phone right now, so if you'd like to leave a message..." Akari grunted in frustration. Yes, giving Ryoga a cellular phone was a good idea in theory...but it didn't help if he was out of range all the time.
The second speed-dial button. "Hi, you've reached the Hibiki household. Please leave a message." Akari did so...she truly hoped to one day have the opportunity to meet her in-laws in person...but no surprise, her husband wasn't there.
Would the third time be the charm? She pressed the third speed-dial button, heard the ringing on the other end, and the voice of a middle-aged man answering. "Tendo dojo, hello?"
Akari bowed as she spoke. "Hello, Mr. Tendo, this is Akari Hibiki. Can you tell me if you've seen my husband there recently?"
"Ah, Ryoga? No, I'm afraid not. It's been a few weeks, I'm sorry to say. Would you like to leave a message just in case he does wander by?"
"Just have him call home, thank you."
"Certainly. Is there anything else?"
"Well...is Akane there? It's been a long time since I've talked with her. I wouldn't mind chatting with her, if it's possible."
Soun cleared his throat. "Well...as a matter of fact...she isn't here right now."
"Oh, she's out running errands? Will she be back soon?"
"Well, I don't think so. She's gone for a bit longer than that"
"Oh, she must be on a trip, then."
"Well, something like that. The fact is, Akane's been...er...travelling for awhile. Apparently it's a rather open-ended thing."
"I...see. Well, thank you anyway, Mr. Tendo." Akari hung up the phone. There was something about that conversation that struck her as distinctly odd. Why would Akane be traveling and her father not know where she was?"
She pondered that for a moment. She pulled out a phone book to look up the next number she wanted to call.
"Hello, Ono clinic."
"Ah...pardon me, is Kasumi Ono at home? This is a friend of hers."
"Sorry, she isn't. I'm her husband. Can I help you?"
"Ah...well, I was just going to ask her if she knew why Akane Tendo hasn't been around."
She heard the doctor clear his throat on the other end. "Well...it's a funny thing. Kasumi's been gone for awhile also."
"Oh my...I'm sorry."
"No, don't worry. She's alright. She's called me a few times. It's just...for some reason or other, she can't get home...yet."
"Can't get home?"
"Yes. Like that one friend of her's and Akane's...Hibiki, I think his name is?"
"Ryoga Hibiki. He's my husband."
"Ah, so you're Mrs. Hibiki. I've met your husband, but not you. Well, actually, he visited here shortly before Kasumi left for awhile. And that was just about the time that Akane left as well. I'm afraid that's really all I can say."
"I'm sorry for troubling you. Thank you." She hung up again. Curiouser and curiouser.
`What could be the cause of this?' she thought. `I wonder...why would Akane disappear like that. Could she be...eloping? And perhaps Kasumi left too to be with her little sister when she secretly married Ranma? That's IT! The perfect explanation! They couldn't tell anyone, which is why Mr. Tendo and Dr. Ono wouldn't know.' Akari liked that explanation. She liked it much better than the nagging doubts she was suddenly having.
Another phone call. Unfortunately, there was neither an answer, nor an answering machine at the Saotome home. Akari made a mental note to call back later.
`Now where else does Ryoga go in the Nerima vicinity?' Akari remembered the name of a couple of restaurants.
"Hello...you've reached Ucchan's. Ucchan's Nerima location is temporarily closed. Ucchan's has currently relocated to Sendai...I think. Be sure to enjoy some tasty okonomiyaki from `Ucchan's on Wheels' at a location near you...sooner or later."
Akari wrinkled her nose at that. That was the oddest message yet. Why would Akane, Kasumi, *and* this Ucchan person suddenly leave? Time for another call.
"Nekohanten, Mousse speaking."
"Uh, yes. Uh..."
"Are you calling about the waitress position? We're looking to hire as quickly as possible, so if you have ANY experience, just come on over, and..."
"Actually, I was wondering if my husband had been to your restaurant recently. His name is Ryoga Hibiki, and..."
"HIBIKI?"
Akari liked to think the best of people...so she was certain that her call just got cut off on accident, and that this `Mousse' person did NOT just hang up on her. But her nagging doubts had reached Roseanne-ian proportions.
She decided to call the Saotome residence one more time.
A middle-aged woman who answered. "Saotome."
"Hello, Mrs. Saotome, I'm sorry to disturb you. My name is Akari Hibiki."
"Hibiki? Like my son's friend?"
"Yes, that's my husband. I was wondering if Ryoga has been by your home recently. He seems to get around a lot."
"That's one way of putting it. But yes, he was here about two weeks ago."
"Two weeks? Tell me...was that before or after Akane Tendo and Kasumi Ono disappeared?"
"Oh, after, much after. Akane had left about a month before that time, and Kasumi a few days after that."
"I see." That blew the elopement theory out of the water.
"Yes, I was very glad to see Ryoga come by and cheer Ranma up. Ranma was so depressed with Akane gone like that."
"Ah."
"Yes. I had Ryoga stay for dinner. He and Ranma spent a long time talking in Ranma's room."
"Yes."
"He and Ranma had a very good conversation, I think."
"Really?"
"Yes. I know they generally fight quite a bit, but this time, from what I heard through the walls, Ranma was agreeing with everything that Ryoga said."
"Everything?"
"Indeed. I think his exact words were, `Yes! Yes! Yes! Yeeeees!' I must admit, at the time, I did wonder why Ranma changed into his girl form to talk to Ryoga."
Akari was turning some interesting colors.
"And the next day...?"
"Yes, and the next day, Ranma was gone."
"I see."
"Ryoga was quite distressed about that. In any case, I decided that the hospitable thing would be to let Ryoga be a guest at my home until Ranma found his way home."
"Uh-huh."
"So Ryoga spent the night in my home again. And after that...night...I found that for some reason or other, I wasn't able to find my way around any more. Purely by coincidence, I'm sure. I only now just stepped in the house for the first time since then."
"I see. Well, thank you, Mrs. Saotome."
Akari hung up the phone and fumed for a moment. There had to be another explanation. There HAD to. `Come on, brain, come up with another explanation, pronto!'
She picked up a newspaper and looked at some of the headlines.
`Idol Singer Still Missing After Three Weeks.' `Inhabitants of Girls' Dormitory Mysteriously Disappear.' `Office Lady Gets Lost Looking for Copy Machine, Ends Up in Okinawa.'
Akari set the newspaper down and headed to the kitchen.
There was coleslaw and corn-on-the-cob to prepare. What was a barbeque without coleslaw and corn-on-the-cob, after all?
What meat would there be at this barbeque?
The meat would arrive by itself. It might take its time...but it would arrive.
END
by The Masked Hentai
Ryoga seemed nervous. `As nervous as a pig in the Hormel factory' Akari thought, before remembering that she was trying to wean herself off the pig similes, since they did seem to upset dear Ryoga.
Still, as cute as he was stumbling over his words, stuttering, blushing, and emitting gallons of flop sweat, Akari decided that she needed to get him back on track. "Please, Ryoga dear, don't hog all the conversation tonight."
For a brief instant, he looked chagrinned. He then cleared his throat, and with a new-found determination looked right in her eyes. "Akari...I was planning on proposing to you tonight."
Oh my...while not altogether a surprise, it was still quite something to digest. "Y-yes?"
"However, there is something I need to share about myself first. Something I need to get off my chest."
`What could it be?' she thought. `He already confessed to me about being Akane's pet. What other secret does he have?'
"My family...we are cursed with bad directions."
Akari nodded. This was true, if blindingly obvious.
"The directional curse is...genetic. My parents had it...my grandparents had it. We can trace the curse back at least four generations. And for that reason, I can't in good conscience allow myself to father children."
"Oh no..." Akari brought her hand her hand up to her lips. True, as a breeder of pigs, she was familiar with genetics, and she had toyed with the idea that Ryoga's inability to follow directions might be genetic. She could see why she *should* avoid having children with the man she loved, even if the thought hurt. But she wouldn't let that get between her and her ideal man.
"We...we can adopt...can't we?"
Ryoga looked her, relief in his eyes. "Yes...yes of course. We can adopt."
Akari smiled, tears of joy coming to her eyes. `He's going to ask me! He's going to ask me to marry him!'
Ryoga looked nervous again. "There's one other thing. And this...this is even worse."
`Worse?' Akari had a sinking feeling, but took a deep breath. `Be calm. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as I love him and he loves me.' "What is it, Ryoga?"
"The direction curse isn't just genetic...It's also..." he blushed "...sexually transmitted."
"...say what?"
"Uh...you see...my father had the curse. My mother didn't. Then they got married. And after they uh...did it...my mother started to get lost."
Akari had a sinking feeling. "Why are you telling me this?"
Ryoga looked straight at the ground. "If you marry me...I think it's better if we never..." he reddened again "...have sex."
"But...but Ryoga, that's what married couples DO!"
"I'm...I'm sorry...but the thought of you being lost all the time...I don't know if you can take care of yourself in the wilderness the way I can."
"But...no, I won't get lost!"
"Akari...you will. You will! No matter how hard you try, one day, you won't be paying attention, and suddenly you're in Kobe."
"But maybe...we can get lost together?"
Ryoga nodded sadly. "It doesn't work like that. My parents...they're both lost but they're never together. They meet up with each other maybe once ever five years or so. Which is why I don't want YOU to be lost. I want to be sure that when I find my way home, you will be there...and not just a note saying `I've got out for groceries, see you next Christmas.'"
Akari teared up again. `What a horrible thought.'
"I'm not asking you for an answer now. But, knowing that I can't let you bear my children...and knowing that we can't ever make love like a regular man and wife...will you still marry me?"
* * *
Akari remembered the night he asked that question. Yes...that certainly had been food for thought...for about five seconds. "He was my ideal man? How could I let a little thing like lifelong celibacy get in the way?"
Still...it got so boring when he was away. She looked around the immaculately clean house for something to do. `There's the crossword puzzle...or I could alphabetize the spice rack...or...'
Suddenly the telephone looked very inviting. She picked it up and pressed the first speed-dial button. "Hello, this is Ryoga Hibiki. I can't come to the phone right now, so if you'd like to leave a message..." Akari grunted in frustration. Yes, giving Ryoga a cellular phone was a good idea in theory...but it didn't help if he was out of range all the time.
The second speed-dial button. "Hi, you've reached the Hibiki household. Please leave a message." Akari did so...she truly hoped to one day have the opportunity to meet her in-laws in person...but no surprise, her husband wasn't there.
Would the third time be the charm? She pressed the third speed-dial button, heard the ringing on the other end, and the voice of a middle-aged man answering. "Tendo dojo, hello?"
Akari bowed as she spoke. "Hello, Mr. Tendo, this is Akari Hibiki. Can you tell me if you've seen my husband there recently?"
"Ah, Ryoga? No, I'm afraid not. It's been a few weeks, I'm sorry to say. Would you like to leave a message just in case he does wander by?"
"Just have him call home, thank you."
"Certainly. Is there anything else?"
"Well...is Akane there? It's been a long time since I've talked with her. I wouldn't mind chatting with her, if it's possible."
Soun cleared his throat. "Well...as a matter of fact...she isn't here right now."
"Oh, she's out running errands? Will she be back soon?"
"Well, I don't think so. She's gone for a bit longer than that"
"Oh, she must be on a trip, then."
"Well, something like that. The fact is, Akane's been...er...travelling for awhile. Apparently it's a rather open-ended thing."
"I...see. Well, thank you anyway, Mr. Tendo." Akari hung up the phone. There was something about that conversation that struck her as distinctly odd. Why would Akane be traveling and her father not know where she was?"
She pondered that for a moment. She pulled out a phone book to look up the next number she wanted to call.
"Hello, Ono clinic."
"Ah...pardon me, is Kasumi Ono at home? This is a friend of hers."
"Sorry, she isn't. I'm her husband. Can I help you?"
"Ah...well, I was just going to ask her if she knew why Akane Tendo hasn't been around."
She heard the doctor clear his throat on the other end. "Well...it's a funny thing. Kasumi's been gone for awhile also."
"Oh my...I'm sorry."
"No, don't worry. She's alright. She's called me a few times. It's just...for some reason or other, she can't get home...yet."
"Can't get home?"
"Yes. Like that one friend of her's and Akane's...Hibiki, I think his name is?"
"Ryoga Hibiki. He's my husband."
"Ah, so you're Mrs. Hibiki. I've met your husband, but not you. Well, actually, he visited here shortly before Kasumi left for awhile. And that was just about the time that Akane left as well. I'm afraid that's really all I can say."
"I'm sorry for troubling you. Thank you." She hung up again. Curiouser and curiouser.
`What could be the cause of this?' she thought. `I wonder...why would Akane disappear like that. Could she be...eloping? And perhaps Kasumi left too to be with her little sister when she secretly married Ranma? That's IT! The perfect explanation! They couldn't tell anyone, which is why Mr. Tendo and Dr. Ono wouldn't know.' Akari liked that explanation. She liked it much better than the nagging doubts she was suddenly having.
Another phone call. Unfortunately, there was neither an answer, nor an answering machine at the Saotome home. Akari made a mental note to call back later.
`Now where else does Ryoga go in the Nerima vicinity?' Akari remembered the name of a couple of restaurants.
"Hello...you've reached Ucchan's. Ucchan's Nerima location is temporarily closed. Ucchan's has currently relocated to Sendai...I think. Be sure to enjoy some tasty okonomiyaki from `Ucchan's on Wheels' at a location near you...sooner or later."
Akari wrinkled her nose at that. That was the oddest message yet. Why would Akane, Kasumi, *and* this Ucchan person suddenly leave? Time for another call.
"Nekohanten, Mousse speaking."
"Uh, yes. Uh..."
"Are you calling about the waitress position? We're looking to hire as quickly as possible, so if you have ANY experience, just come on over, and..."
"Actually, I was wondering if my husband had been to your restaurant recently. His name is Ryoga Hibiki, and..."
"HIBIKI?"
Akari liked to think the best of people...so she was certain that her call just got cut off on accident, and that this `Mousse' person did NOT just hang up on her. But her nagging doubts had reached Roseanne-ian proportions.
She decided to call the Saotome residence one more time.
A middle-aged woman who answered. "Saotome."
"Hello, Mrs. Saotome, I'm sorry to disturb you. My name is Akari Hibiki."
"Hibiki? Like my son's friend?"
"Yes, that's my husband. I was wondering if Ryoga has been by your home recently. He seems to get around a lot."
"That's one way of putting it. But yes, he was here about two weeks ago."
"Two weeks? Tell me...was that before or after Akane Tendo and Kasumi Ono disappeared?"
"Oh, after, much after. Akane had left about a month before that time, and Kasumi a few days after that."
"I see." That blew the elopement theory out of the water.
"Yes, I was very glad to see Ryoga come by and cheer Ranma up. Ranma was so depressed with Akane gone like that."
"Ah."
"Yes. I had Ryoga stay for dinner. He and Ranma spent a long time talking in Ranma's room."
"Yes."
"He and Ranma had a very good conversation, I think."
"Really?"
"Yes. I know they generally fight quite a bit, but this time, from what I heard through the walls, Ranma was agreeing with everything that Ryoga said."
"Everything?"
"Indeed. I think his exact words were, `Yes! Yes! Yes! Yeeeees!' I must admit, at the time, I did wonder why Ranma changed into his girl form to talk to Ryoga."
Akari was turning some interesting colors.
"And the next day...?"
"Yes, and the next day, Ranma was gone."
"I see."
"Ryoga was quite distressed about that. In any case, I decided that the hospitable thing would be to let Ryoga be a guest at my home until Ranma found his way home."
"Uh-huh."
"So Ryoga spent the night in my home again. And after that...night...I found that for some reason or other, I wasn't able to find my way around any more. Purely by coincidence, I'm sure. I only now just stepped in the house for the first time since then."
"I see. Well, thank you, Mrs. Saotome."
Akari hung up the phone and fumed for a moment. There had to be another explanation. There HAD to. `Come on, brain, come up with another explanation, pronto!'
She picked up a newspaper and looked at some of the headlines.
`Idol Singer Still Missing After Three Weeks.' `Inhabitants of Girls' Dormitory Mysteriously Disappear.' `Office Lady Gets Lost Looking for Copy Machine, Ends Up in Okinawa.'
Akari set the newspaper down and headed to the kitchen.
There was coleslaw and corn-on-the-cob to prepare. What was a barbeque without coleslaw and corn-on-the-cob, after all?
What meat would there be at this barbeque?
The meat would arrive by itself. It might take its time...but it would arrive.
END