Left Behind

Things had never been the same since his breakup with Rachel. Since he'd egged her with his teammates. He was no better than any of the other losers that got in the future star's way, in fact he was the worst. Not only did he humiliate and insult her, but he'd got close to her and stabbed her in the back as well. That was never a part of the plan. But neither was falling for her, and he'd managed to do that as well. Shelby just asked him to befriend her, to lead her to her mother. He'd done so much more. From the moment he saw her up close, singing Hello in that music shop, he knew he was a goner. But Vocal Adrenaline wouldn't allow them to stay together; his team would have dragged them both through hell. So Jesse took the easy option. He can't even remember why the egging had seemed like a good idea. He regretted it from the minute it happened, even before.

He knew he wouldn't recover from the pain in his chest, so he tried to forget about it. To forget the softness of her lips and the smoothness of her skin. Her diva fits that could rival even his own, and her face of pure joy whenever she sang. The fact that she saw the part of him that nobody else knew existed. He remembered the exact words that he'd said to her in their auditorium. "You know me as Jesse, the Star of Vocal Adrenaline, your competition at Regionals. I want to introduce you to Jesse, the guy who's nuts about you, the guy who would never hurt you." It was true, all of it was true. He'd managed to convince the others in Vocal Adrenaline that it was all an act, even Shelby was convinced. But even his showface with the impossibly bright smile couldn't quite cover up the hurt in his eyes. He tried to throw himself into the songs and dancing, but couldn't. He was barely hanging onto his spot in the team.

You fold his hands and smooth his tie
You gently lift his chin
Were you really so blind
And unkind to him?

Shelby grabbed Jesse's hands, which were clenched in fists at his sides. His head was down, his eyes focusing on the scratched floor of the stage. When she forced his head up so his eyes would meet hers, she was surprised by the emptiness she could see within them. The eyes that had used to scream with passion and feeling. "What is wrong with you Jesse? You used to be our best and now look at you. You're sloppy. Your dancing is completely out of time and has a complete lack of energy. You singing had suffered even more. I don't think you hit a single one of those notes. Amd where's the emotion. You'll never get anywhere without the emotion." She hadn't noticed him steadily becoming less and less interested in Show Choir and more interested in staring into space, daydreaming.

Can't help the itch to touch, to kiss
To hold him once again
Now to close his eyes
Never open them

But now, even Shelby saw the utter desolation and loneliness in his face. "Alright everybody, rehearsal's done for today." She called, ignoring the protests of the teenagers. She just wanted to pull the boy into a tight hug. To smooth back his hair and mother him, like she wished she'd been able to do to Rachel. Suddenly she realised. Rachel. That's what this was about. Jesse had been suffering in silence, declining ever since he had moved back to Carmel. She had never realised that he had genuine feelings for her daughter. Shelby realised that this was her fault. She was the one who had encouraged him to befriend Rachel, for purely selfish reasons. She hadn't expected them to date. And she definitely hadn't expected her star, the player of Carmel high, to actually develop feelings for Rachel. Especially not ones like this. He looked up at Shelby, with actual tears in his eyes. "I love her." Then he left, slowly and silently.

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home

He missed Rachel a lot. Every day was worse than the one before it. His only focus was on getting through the day, until he could get into bed, cry himself to sleep and have the nightmares. He swore the dreams were the worst part of it. Either Rachel was back together with Finn Hudson, who danced like a zombie and didn't sing a lot better, or she was brutally murdered. He couldn't even look at eggs anymore.

The truth was that Jesse's parents weren't around a lot. In fact he hadn't seen them for months. Sure, he was popular, but his friends in Vocal Adrenaline were soulless automatons that would stab him in the back if he showed any sign of weakness, and he didn't really spend any time with anyone else. Rachel was everything he had. His only friend. His first real love. She was his home. And now, without her, he felt himself wasting away with every day that passed.

All things he never did are left behind
All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind
And all his dad had hoped he'd know

His life was over now. That wasn't even him being overdramatic; he'd lost that side of him when he left her. Or maybe he just didn't have the energy to keep up the dramatics any longer. Whatever the reason, he no longer fought for solos in Vocal Adrenaline, no longer had storm outs when he didn't get his way. He didn't even care anymore. All he wanted was to see Rachel one more time. He would do anything to hug her, to stroke her luscious brown hair or to hear her sing. His parents were good people, they just worked a lot. His sibling hated him, they'd felt mistreated as his parents spoilt him and favoured him. They were busy with their own problems anyway. His sister was currently being treated for bulimia in a clinic and his brother was just too stoned to notice anything. Whenever they made time for him, they always said how he needed to open himself up to love, to show some emotion. He had done. He made himself vulnerable at her feet. Then she'd made that stupid video, where he was triple-cast with her two ex-boyfriends. She made him feel unworthy. Just like everybody else in his life. He would never let anyone hurt him like that again. So he shut her out and rejoined Vocal Adrenaline, pretending that he wasn't dying inside.

The talks you never had
The Saturdays you never spent
All the grown-up places
You never went

He was plagued by thoughts of the things they could have done together. Their romance could have been epic, could have lasted the test of time. But he was scared and insecure and so was she. And instead of confessing and trusting each other, they'd exploded. He supposed that that was what happened with two diva's in such a close space. He would never be able to win back her trust now. He'd never see her again. He wouldn't see her at her prom. He wouldn't see her getting married. He'd never meet her children. And he wanted to, God he wanted to more than anything else. He'd give up his dreams in a second if it meant that he could have his girl back. But she wasn't his girl anymore. He'd broken her when he broke himself. She was so young, only 16. She would never understand why he did what he did. She would get over it easily. Sure she'd be upset. He was her first long-term boyfriend. But that's all he was to her. She'd proved that when she'd filmed her Run Joey Run video. From then on, their breakup was just a matter of time.

And all of the crying
You wouldn't understand
You just let him cry
Make a man out of him

He wouldn't let his team know that he was affected. He couldn't afford to. They'd just laugh at him, pour salt on his wounds. They didn't have emotions. He almost believed that they were robots. He had used to be one of them, hidden behind his emotionless mask. He'd put up walls to prevent him from getting hurt. Then Rachel had come along and she'd brought those walls down from the moment that he'd first heard her sing. Not only had she slipped into his closely guarded heart, she'd broken his walls, shattered them even. He could no longer bring them back. So he was forced to pretend that he was OK, just to get through the days. He laughed bitterly, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home

Jesse didn't even know why he was doing it anymore. Why keep fighting when every day leaves you more damaged than the one before. He'd turned to alcohol, drinking so much that he'd pass out on his bedroom floor. The hangovers were hell though, so instead he started taking drugs, which he bought through an acquaintance from school. They were good, they made him feel numb, at least for a little while. He thought about ending it all. What was the point of life any more? Before meeting Rachel, he had lived to perform, but she'd taken the love of the stage from him as well as his fight.

All things he ever wished are left behind
All the things his mama did to make him mind
And how his dad had hoped he'd grow

Of course his parents would be sad if he died, any parents would. But they'd get over it soon enough. His so-called friends would miss his winning attitude and voice that helped them win four consecutive national championships, but they'd be fighting over his solos within about an hour of the news. He hadn't made any friends at McKinley either. Even the club that had claimed to accept anybody had hated him. Rachel was the only exception to that rule as well, but he'd screwed that up too. She'd probably celebrate and dance on his grave. He just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Was that too much to ask for?

All things he ever lived are left behind
All the fears that ever flickered through his mind
All the sadness that he'd come to own

Everything he'd ever hoped for had gone and was out of reach. He had nothing to live for now. Life was so pointless, dragging yourself around, not enjoying anything. Not feeling anything. Day after day he had the same routine. That was the only thing keeping him going now, his routine. His mind was on autopilot. He forgot to eat and drink. He barely showed up to lessons, and the ones he did turn up to he paid absolutely no attention. He was a dead man walking.

A shadow past, a shadow past
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home

He needed to write her a letter. He owed her that much. One letter to explain everything. To apologise to everyone that he had hurt. To ask them for forgiveness, not that he deserves it. He wrote a note to Shelby as well. She was like his second mother really. She pushed him hard, but only because she wanted him to succeed. But as he stared at the paper, he couldn't force himself to write anything. Only two words, "I'm Sorry."

He then started on his letter to Rachel. His handwriting was messy, imperfect, like him. Tears smudged the words, leaving stains on the paper. He confessed everything; put his heart and soul into that letter. He was never good with words, but now they flowed from him freely. Some lyrics stood out in his mind, so he wrote those too. "Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart, there's nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart." He knew she'd understand. She always did. She was the only one who ever did. He folded the letter, writing her name on the outside and sticking on a Gold star.

And it whistles through the ghosts still left behind
It whistles through the ghosts still left behind
It whistles through the ghosts still left behind