Note - I do not have or own the rights to any Law & Order SVU content, characters or stories.
She had lost the trust of the few people that were in her life, as close to a family as she had. That fire inside that drove her to give in to the longing to make just one more bet had won, but now she had lost. She never could get out of her own way. Every time she was heading in the right direction she let that fire consume her. Once again Rollins was ready to run.
She was most devastated about the loss of trust from her partner. He was the closest thing she had to a friend, someone that she could rely on, and had come to need without even being aware of it. The trust she had for him had its limits, but was more than anyone else in her life; Sadly it was not enough to turn to Fin when she was spiraling into her addiction to gambling again, or to let him know of her work with Murphy undercover. Why? What was that thing that kept her from letting even him inside, past the façade she was so successful at putting up? She'd managed to keep everyone out, never letting lovers, her partners, not even her family once she learned they were not worthy, inside. Rollins watched out for Rollins.
Kim was the exception, the one person in her life that she opened her heart too and shared more than with anyone else. Betrayed, the one person she thought would always be with her and yet her own sister was willing to send her to prison for life. She still didn't know whether to laugh or cry at one of the last things her sister said to her, "mama always said you were too big for your britches." In her family having goals, a purpose, ambition (another word Kim had used) was viewed as wrong and disloyal. When you left it was proof of your conceit.
Inside there remained doubt. Despite the destructive life she left behind, was it disloyal she left? If she had stayed would Kim be different? Even now she knew the sacrifice of staying to help Kim would have crushed the last vestiges remaining of her soul. There still existed so much darkness and sorrow from what she couldn't leave behind. Moving away, school, becoming a detective, all helped her build a wall but the darkness was still there.
That darkness contained things she didn't allow herself to think about. When they tried to pry their way into her thoughts that was when the fire roared back to life. That was when she lost her self-control and went back to the adrenaline of the bet. The fire was stronger than that darkness. Even when she was losing the bet, she was blocking the seeping ugliness of memory from overtaking her mind. She watched her dad throw his life away for one brief moment of the thrill of winning. Seeing his life wasn't enough to stop her from following in his footsteps. The thought that she was anything like him was sickening, but she was his apple, a rotten one she supposed, and didn't fall far enough away from his tree. Fire, it was kindling, ready to roar to life.
Returning to work after the devastation of yesterday was one of the most difficult things she had to face in her life. Her instincts said to run. The same way she ran from home, from Atlanta, from trust. However, she couldn't run this time. She would completely lose the one place she loved and where she allowed herself to feel confident. She would also have nowhere to go. She had no one to turn to and nowhere to run this time. Last time her Captain, Sam, found a way out. She sensed it was as much to help her leave behind the poisonous atmosphere after the incident with the Deputy Chief, as it was to move temptation out of his life. She never once regretted moving to New York and SVU, she only wished today was the fresh start of the first time she walked into the building, not this moment of disgrace. She was sincere with Benson that she would work to regain her trust and some semblance of respect, no matter how much she wanted to run and hide instead.
Now was the time to remember, one day at a time. Today would be soul-crushing but she just had to make it through today. As she approached the building she put up her shield, the one that covered the storm inside. She put the face on that displayed strength and self-confidence, yes the façade. She would force herself to do her job and not let the darkness take over. Not this time.
She was early, as she had wanted, easier to be there when the team came in than have to walk in with all heads turning in her direction. She knew that the case of a rapist targeting teen girls was their top priority right now. She might not be in her team's good graces, but she was still a detective and would do her job. As she walked in she grabbed the file to review the case and evidence so far. As always she could feel the horror the victims of the crime must feel. She knew the agony of living through it, the nightmares they were likely feeling. She did this job to stop the evil and to give these victims justice. Something she would never get.
The first to arrive was Olivia. Olivia said nothing as she walked in. She went to her office and only briefly glanced at Rollins. As expected there were no pleasantries. Next was Amaro. In some ways Amaro was the most like her. She knew his life had also been toxic; he was filled with a passion to his job just like her. He even had that same sense of responsibility, the need to protect. It was this clash of his desire to protect her, and her own need to be self-reliant, that had caused the most tension between them. Now she had no right to push back, now she owed him for his defense of her. Murphy had sent her the official report of the undercover operation. In the report he included when Amaro had gone to him and gut-punched him with the warning to "stay away from Rollins". He even included his own parting shot of her being ok "once you got past the fact that she was used".
The truth was excruciating and now Amaro knew what she really was. He walked into the squad room and met her eyes. He didn't hide his emotions as well as Fin or Olivia. She saw the disappointment, but she also saw that need he had to save her. Despite everything, Amaro still wanted to protect her, this time from herself. She recalled the day that she was the bait to catch the rapist her first months in New York. He would have killed the perp if not for Fin. What would he do now to save her from her own demons?
Fin, her partner, her brother, he was that one person that had respected her and rarely pushed for more than she was willing to give, and now she had destroyed it. He handed her that money to help pay her debt, told her stop gambling, and he did it without judgment. Why didn't she tell him what she was doing with Murphy? Why did she allow that insane need for privacy, and an inability to fully trust, ruin the most important relationship in her life today, maybe ever? He looked at her as he walked in, for once his eyes did not hide his emotion. Hurt, pain, disappointment. They were all there in that moment when he looked at her and she was seared to the deepest parts of herself. She could barely contain the tears. The ones she refused to let fall. He was the only one to nod to her, although without the famous Fin smile.
Once they were all in for the day Olivia called them all to her office to discuss the case. Now she regained her focus, shut-down the emotions, and lazered in on the crime. She was partnered with Fin as usual and they were heading to talk to the most recent victim of the serial rapist. She was a 16-year-old high school student, raped in her car after leaving late from her retail job.
In the car Fin was silent, for a while. Finally, he started to talk and unexpectedly he went straight to what had happened in their life and not anything about the case. His first words were haunting, "Amanda, why? Why"? The look in his eyes was even worse, doubt. She saw doubt that was directed at her. She knew everything she worked so hard for was about to slip away. Even Fin wasn't sure she should be a part of the team, his partner.
Wasn't that the question of her life, "why"? She turned to him in the car, and for once, went for honesty and disclosure. "Fin, it was my pride and shame. I didn't want to admit I was undercover because I had fallen so far again. I didn't want to need you to save me. Taking your money was humiliating. But speaking out loud where I was, and how I wound up working undercover in an illegal gambling club, I couldn't look at you and say the words. I have never needed anyone to save me and my pride wouldn't let me turn to you, even as low as things were…are…for me". Inside she was once again on the verge of losing it, finally releasing the pain from every moment in her entire life. Finally allowing herself to lean on another person and trust them. At that exact moment she heard Fin quietly say, "When will you finally learn to trust Amanda"?
He looked at her and said it again, loud enough to be sure she heard it. "Amanda, what happened in your life that you can't trust another person, can't allow me, your partner, to have your back"? Fin was right; he'd only given her reasons to trust him. "Amanda, this isn't going to be easy to forget. If you don't trust me how can we work together? How can we be partners"?
It was that moment, the one where you have to decide if you truly want to change or keep defaulting to the same behaviors that put her $15,000 in debt to criminals, ready to use her body in exchange for silence, and breaking the oath she took at the academy… I will never betray my badge,
my integrity, my character. Did she have the courage? Could she open up to Fin, open up the wall, and grab the final opportunity to fight to keep Fin?