Welcome, to my first story. I wrote a love, hate, dangerous story about James and Kendall. They secretly love eachother. But they cant admit it to eachother, at the thought of losing one another's friendship. They finally come to the realization, that they really care for eachother. But they both have secrets, dangerous secrets. James has suicidal thoughts, he cuts himself, has no love from his family, was abused, and had to struggle with knowing that he is in love with someone that doesn't love him back. Kendall is a ticking-time bomb, he can snap over the little things, ever since his father died. He becomes angry since he feels that his love doesn't love him back. Can these boys come together and work together to overcome eachothers problems to be together no matter whats in their way?

I do not own Big Time Rush, that belongs to Nickelodeon. Rated M, for later chapter's. Smut/Rage/Danger/Sex/Suicide/ etc…

Book 1

Chapter .1. - My Love

Kendall

It was the four of them, Logan the nerd, Carlos the hyper kid, and James the pretty boy, the boy of my dreams, a secret love that isn't mine to hold. Then there's me, Kendall, the leader of the group, who's full on crazy psycho in love with someone who can never love them in return. He thinks I don't know, but I do know about his past. That his family abused him, made him blow random men for money. They assaulted him at any given moment. I know about his tragic past. Even having to give his own father his treasures.

I remember him crying on my shoulder not saying a word. But I secretly known everything. Since, he sometimes screams in his sleep, and for some reason I can feel it deep inside telling me whats going on, when he is crying on my shoulder. Even followed him home one time watching it all, would of helped but the neighbor caught me and reported me to the cops. If that didn't stop me, James own father, came by and told me himself,

"If you ever repeat what you just saw, I will personally kill James. I will make sure something bad happens to him that you will regret for the rest of your life." as he whispered in my ear.

From that moment on, I was silent, I was quiet, I was forever ….. that's just it, I cant explain it. I just wanted to protect him, no matter what happens to me. I was their for him, I was the silent shoulder for him to cry on, giving him soothing words. He saved my life, I owe him my life. He was their when no one else was, the first one without a call. When my dad died, I was never the same. But when James comes around I smile, a smile that isn't forced or fake, but a smile that's real. He was their for me to cry on, scream to the skies why me, why him. When my dad died, I became angry for no reason at all, screaming at people for the anything that reminded me of my dad, I became the jerk of school, the asshole. Only James could calm me down, only his laugh, his smile, his voice would calm me down. He would calm me down from my anger, my rage. He was my shoulder to cry on.

We were like two peas in a pod, inseparable, together always, we helped each other with our problems. I realized now that over the years, my feelings grew from friendship to love. Is it wrong to fall for your best friend, no my brother. James, the man who I love with all my heart. I love him, I want to be with him. If only he loved me in return, I know he loves me. But he loves me as a brother/his best friend, not as a lover. This is what makes me angry, most days cause I cant have the love I want to be my one and only. But he comes to calm me down, thinking its about my dad, when really its for him to hold me, close to his chest. Forever & Always in my heart my James, my true love.

So this is the first Chp. Of my book, I hope you guys loved it. The next Chp. belongs to James. Please review and help me move on with my story, ideas are welcomed. Oh and if its short story, sorry about that ... its supposed to be short in the first 2 chapters. It get longer, later in the 3rd chapter.

Xoxoxo

Toxic Diva