Cam's funeral.
She still hadn't accepted it. That he was never coming back. She couldn't deal with all the pitying glances, the condolences, everyone else being so emotional when they barely even knew him.
Clearly nobody had really known him, she had also mused, or they would have seen it coming. They could have stopped him. Then she remembered all the times there were little hints of it. When he fell off the balcony, for example. Now she blamed himself for taking him at his word.
"I'm not some loser who tries to hurt himself." His words echoed in her memory.
"No, I'm the loser…" she said quietly, covering her face with a pillow.
.
On the morning of his funeral, she locked herself in her room. She knew Katie and her mom would try to make her go, and she refused.
Sure enough, Katie knocked on her door. "Maya? It's almost time to go."
She didn't answer.
"Maya?" She went to open the door, thinking that maybe Maya was asleep, and found it locked. "Maya?" she said again, but this time she sounded worried.
Not wanting Katie to overreact over nothing, Maya finally said, "I'm not going."
"What? Maya, you have to—"
"I don't have to do anything!"
Katie sighed. "I think it would be good for you."
Her voice continued to rise as she spoke, and before she knew it she was nearly shouting. "Good for me!? To have a bunch of strangers telling me how 'sorry' they are? They didn't care one bit before, and now that he's dead everyone loves him!"
Ignoring most of what had been said, she simply replied, "Good for you to say goodbye."
That caught her off guard, as she had been expecting Katie to get mad in response. She bit her lip, willing herself to be done crying over him. He didn't see any reason to say goodbye to me. Why should I say it to him? she wanted to ask, but she refused to say things like that to her sister, who she knew would only come up with a new reason why she ought to go.
"Maya, I know it's hard, but—"
"You don't know anything!" She wanted to yell, but her voice cracked halfway through, and before she knew it, her vision was blurry with tears.
That's because you won't talk to me! But she stopped herself from saying something that she knew would sound so harsh, at least for right now. She sat down with her back against the door.
The two of them were silent for a while until finally Katie spoke. "I know. None of us could possibly know what you're going through right now, but please, let us help you."
Cam was the one who needed help. Not her. But nobody helped him. Once again she felt angry at herself for not noticing how much he had needed it, and she threw her owl across the room, letting it hit the door with a thud.
"Maya?" Katie asked, confused.
"Go away. Go to your stupid funeral where everyone can pretend they gave even a single damn about him before he was dead. Go tell everyone how 'sorry' you are as if it fixes anything. Go watch people remember him how they want, even when it's not the truth. Watch everyone say goodbye to him even though he abandoned us without a word." Her voice wasn't shaky anymore, but rather a quiet rage. She hadn't meant to say that much, but right now she honestly didn't care. She just wanted to be left alone.
No, that wasn't true.
.
She wanted Cam back.