A/N: I don't own Harry Potter or anything associated with it.
I know I should be posting on my other fic, but this idea popped into my head and I had to do something with it before I forgot about it. Happy reading!
What is happiness but the absence of despair?
But despair was all I felt as I sat there laughing and sharing stories with them as if nothing had ever happened to me. Really, my world was in turmoil. Colors passed by in a blur and conversations were forgotten like dead leaves in the autumn. It was like a vicious cycle of pretending. The war ended and summer turned to winter and summer again.
My parents didn't understand. They never would as far as I was concerned. They would never know why I flinched when someone got close, or immediately went on guard when someone entered the room I was in. My friends didn't understand. They would never know that I still heard Bellatrix cackle every time sleep took me or that I saw her face every time I closed my eyes. They would never know that whenever they hugged me I could only imagine the monster that hurt me in that cell before they could find me.
With the new summer came the anticipated offer from Hogwarts to return to repeat my seventh year when school resumed. Of course I would accept. It was expected of me. I'm the bookworm, and school is where I flourish. It didn't matter that McGonagall was giving me the title I'd always dreamed of. Head Girl—what a laugh now. I'd always wondered who would be Head Boy, but now I found it didn't matter as much as I thought it had.
The days passed by, and eventually I was boarding the train to Hogwarts. I remembered the feeling I had all of the previous years. It always felt like a homecoming, but now I felt nothing. No anticipation, no worry—simply nothing.
I sat alone in my private dorm, ignoring the Head Boy. He'd been eager to get to know me at the beginning of term, but as time went on the Hufflepuff only grew more persistent in getting to know me. I wouldn't allow him to know me, especially since I was "Harry Potter's best friend". I'd let Ron milk that title for all it was worth, because I had absolutely no interest in it.
With thoughts of Harry and the war came thoughts of everything I tried my hardest to avoid. Bellatrix's laugh echoed through my mind and I collapsed to the floor. Perhaps I was going mad, but I didn't care. It just had to stop. I dragged myself over to my trunk and pulled out the trinket I'd done my best to forget about.
It glistened beautifully in the moonlight as I pulled it out of its velvet covering. I ran my fingers over the arm Bellatrix had carved into, feeling the jagged scar. Maybe all I really am is a Mudblood, I thought, but I quickly banished it. I'm Hermione Granger, I thought proudly. But the pride soon faded as the laughter grew in strength again. My eyes returned to the tool in my palm. The silver was the most beautiful color I could remember. An escape route. A promise of peace. A promise of quiet. A promise of forgetting the past.
I considered my options as the light bounced off of the treasure. It would be messy. Bellatrix would be there in my head where she always was. She would laugh at me for doing something she wasn't able to finish by way of carving. Finishing what she started.
No. There was another way. The Astronomy Tower. With that thought I pulled myself off of the floor. It would all be over. I could sleep in peace and the memories would be gone.
I quickly made my way down the hall, cursing internally when I saw Harry and Ron walking toward me. I thought of an excuse before I could even take another step. They wouldn't see the pain behind my eyes. They wouldn't expect the lies in my words. They never did, but they would soon understand.
"Harry, Ron," I greeted.
"Hermione," they said together.
"Where are you off to?" Ron asked.
"Oh, just the Astronomy Tower to check on something," I said, only half lying.
"Oh, Hermione. Always studying. We'll see you later then," Harry said as they waved their goodbye. I could only nod at them. Of course that's all I was.
I held no doubts as I trekked up to my destination. I was in a daze and it was a moment before I realized the boy standing on the edge of the tower. It was even longer before I knew who it was, but the white-blonde hair gave it away eventually. He didn't notice me in his state, and I knew he had the same thing in mind as I did. Oddly enough, I was comforted by the thought. I wasn't the only one suffering.
Suddenly his knees bent slightly, and he poised to jump. I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins, and before I knew what I was doing I lunged toward him, pulling him off the edge only with the extra strength provided by the rush. We fell backwards, and he shifted his body so he could face me—or possibly brake his fall—before we landed. He used his arms to stop himself from crushing me. His sad eyes met mine.
My thoughts stopped as the silver invaded my mind. His eyes. The shade. I'd seen it before, but I couldn't place it in my haze. I barely felt the stiffness of his body from his shock at seeing me there below him. Just as suddenly as I pulled him off the ledge, his face was buried in my neck and he was sobbing. Body racking sobs left him and I could feel my own tears coursing down my cheeks. I knew I should have been startled by his behavior, but I understood, and with that understanding came a need to comfort him like no one comforted me. So while he cried, I patted his back and smoothed back his hair. I mumbled soothing nonsense to him and promised everything would be fine.
When his sobbing subsided and his breath evened out, his wait drooped onto me. He was heavy, but not as heavy as he should have been. He was too thin, and I knew that he was suffering like I had been. I thought about moving him off of me so he wasn't crushing me, but it was the first real human contact I'd had in months that didn't make me want to disappear.
As one hour turned into two, two into three, and three into four, I thought about my life and I thought about myself. I thought about Malfoy and I thought about his eyes.
They shared a color with the shimmering savior I'd left behind in my room.
With that thought, I made a vow. Not to myself, but to everything and everyone. To all things good and bad. To him while he slept. I would live, no matter what it took. Not for myself, not for Harry and Ron, not for my parents, and certainly not for everyone else. For him. For the boy who bullied me for most of my life. He would be my purpose whether he liked it or not. If I could make sure his pain was gone, mine would cease to matter.
For what is happiness but the absence of despair?
A/N: Please leave me your questions/comments/anything else in a review? Thanks for reading!